I Don't Trust Very Well

It's an ongoing theme here in my brain...I am not one to trust people. My poor husband, bless his heart, went through the toughest "interrogation" period before we started dating before I trusted him enough to go out on a date with him.

I have a hard time trusting the people closest to me too. I read into things that people do (or don't do) and take things very personally. I'm an ideal-est having to adjust to a realistic world.

While we can have a whole discussion on my issues with that adjustment, I want to talk about how that personality trait affects my relationship with God. Maybe some of you can relate.

When I have big decisions to make or am going through a rough time, it's easy for me to turn to God and not trust him to come through for me. In the past, I have frequently pointed to all the bad things in my life and told God he was responsible for those and I didn't trust for him to not do it again. Or, if I am supposed to be waiting for God to answer a question I have or give me guidance on a situation, I frequently want the answer on my timing. I don't want to be patient for God because doesn't he see the deadline I have or the looming disaster that could happen if I don't know in time?

Then, because I don't trust him I get angry. I start yelling at him in my brain and accusing him of being late or absent or not caring about what's going on in my life. I think about things to do to disobey him just to show that I don't approve of how he runs things. But then, after I have cried into my pillow a bit I realize that he's such a patient Daddy, that he lets me have my temper tantrum like a five year old. Then he calmly says, I'm still here. I still love you and I'm not going anywhere. He reminds me that even if I can't see it, he's preparing me for something bigger than what I am even thinking. And then he asks the question:

Do you trust me?

It's these pivotal moments that seem so inconsequential. Step by step he leads us to where he wants us. Every time we get tired or angry that we haven't arrived yet he lets us express our emotions, calms us down and continues to ask us if we trust him. Before we know it, if we keep saying yes, we begin to see all the crazy things he has for us! I have the benefit to seeing my journey through college and see all the points where I said yes when I could have told him no and walked away. I am glad to say, I'm joyful I said yes every time. And the best part is, I know this is only the beginning.

I just want to encourage anyone that's reading this, that you may be going through a similar patch of life. You might be walking down this trail and wondering where the trail is even going. I just want to encourage you to say that if you faithfully keep telling God you trust him, you will not believe the incredible things you can do. The best part is, even if we lose faith, God never loses faith in us.