The Thrill of Adventure

So it's finally summer! I think we will break into the 90s every day now here in North Texas and the sun has finally come out! I am so excited about all that summer brings and the adventures Jared and I have planned.

Speaking of which, some of those adventures include our newest endeavor...backpacking! Jared and I have always been interested in camping. We go all the time. But now, we are finally thinking about putting those fancy backpacks to good use and hitting the trails in the literal middle-of-nowhere.

Physically, this means I will have some different workouts going on. I still plan on running twice a week with my long run being five miles. Then I have a goal of riding my bike at least once a week. The rest of the workouts will focus more on strength in my back and arms so that I don't have to rely on my legs for all the work while hiking with my backpack on.

The biggest thing for me I think is going to be mental. As much as I say I love adventure, I get so anxious before traveling! I get nervous sweats at the airport waiting for planes. I get so anxious trying to plan for the "unknown."

So when thinking about backpacking, there is a ton of fear going on inside my head. When are we going to go? What trails are we going to take? How are we going to fit everything in our bags? What if we can't find a good campsite? What if we get lost? What if we see a bear????

I have been doing some research on fear this week for work. It's very interesting the studies that neuroscientists are conducting these days. One study is actually finding that we are wired as human beings to be optimistic by nature...assume the best about someone or something until proof of the worst. They also talk about how fear bypasses the logical part of the brain and goes straight to the emotional. But logic is how you quiet fear. No one fears a stampede of hippopotami followed by their car getting eaten by a T-rex when they drive on the highway because logic eliminates that possibility. When we see someone that's upset because of fear, we automatically try to help them calm down by using logic. And if we are having a really hard time, we can implement what scientists call "productive paranoia" where we plan for the worst case scenario while hoping for the best.

And that's kind of where I am right now. With my upcoming adventures, I am doing boatloads of research trying to arm myself with the knowledge needed in worst case scenarios (how to deal with a bear), as well as the skills to keep me from getting into worst case scenarios (buy a bear canister and use it appropriately). What's awesome is while I still get nervous about it, I am growing as a person because I am gaining new skills and learning new things about myself and what I am capable of doing.

I think God wants us to use fear, not be controlled by it. He wants us to develop courage, not limit ourselves because of anxiety. He wants us to continue to grow and learn and explore the world he created. So that's why I continue to travel, see new things and meet new people. Ultimately, I know that the best truth I can use against fear is the knowledge that God is in control and he has the ultimate power in any situation.

I recently re-watched an episode of Dr. Who where they search for the alien that might be the reason we as children fear the monster under the bed. But I love what Clara tells the child doctor at the end about fear:

"I know you’re afraid, but being afraid is alright. Because didn’t anybody ever tell you? Fear is a superpower. Fear can make you faster and cleverer and stronger. And one day you’re gonna come back to this barn and on that day you’re going to be very afraid indeed. But that’s okay, because if you’re very wise and very strong fear doesn’t have to make you cruel or cowardly. Fear can make you kind. It doesn’t matter if there’s nothing under the bed or in the dark so long as you know it’s okay to be afraid of it. So listen. If you listen to anything else, listen to this. You’re always gonna be afraid even if you learn to hide it. Fear is like a companion, a constant companion, always there. But that’s okay because fear can bring us together. Fear can bring you home. I’m gonna leave you something just so you’ll always remember. Fear makes companions of us all."

Clara explaining courage to a young boy during the "Listen" episode using a small army figure.

Memorial Day

This weekend will be full of people traveling and grilling and spending time with friends and family. And thank goodness because it's summer! I know friends and family that have much anticipated time off coming up and I am so excited for them.

Jared and I just got back from a whirlwind trip up to Washington D.C. He had work stuff up there and so we made a quick trip out of it. We woke up at 3:00 AM to get on a 5:15 AM flight. We were in DC by 9:00 and we ate breakfast at this awesome place called Wicked Waffle. It was SOOO good! And a great way to start out a touring day.

We started by geocaching along the mall. Most caches there are virtuals (can you imagine the potential bomb threats in DC with physical caches?) but it's fun to go to each monument and learn something new. Jared actually showed me a monument I hadn't been to (what???) for the signers of the Declaration of Independence. We also found the point where they measure all the highway miles on the South Side of the White House.

Mile 0!

I love touring DC. I find that each time I go I find a deeper and more mature appreciation for all the Americans that have gone before us to protect our freedom.

My great uncle, who is on the Vietnam Memorial

Hello Mr. Lincoln

Which is why I was a little disheartened by the second half of our touring. 

We went to the Smithsonian Museum of American History. This is one of my FAVORITE places. We got to go look at the gunboat Philadelphia. It was a small boat that helped delay the British from sailing down the Hudson River and split New York from the other colonies. Had this not happened, we wouldn't have had time to raise and train our army to fight in the Revolution. They found it at the bottom of the river 160 years later and brought it to the museum, cannonballs and artifacts and all. It was so incredible to see what these people did back then. And what drove them? This idea that the government did not have the authority to take all their money and dictate their lives.

What was disheartening was the amount of high school students there on field trips that seemed completely disinterested or were talking through the museum spouting incorrect information. It wasn't just the high school students either. While sitting and meditating about the War of 1812 in front of the flag that flew during that battle (one of the most awe inspiring displays ever) there was a mom who came in with her two year old and told him "Look, it's the very first American flag!" 

*Face palm*

I do admire her bringing her toddler to see American History. But I don't know what does more damage...not bringing your kid or teaching them incorrect information. Never mind that she had just walked through the first part of the exhibit explaining the story behind the flag. But apparently she didn't think it was important enough to get her facts straight before teaching her son something. 

I get it. He's two. There's plenty of time to get the record straight. But this instance, combined with several other examples just in the few hours we were touring, just highlighted to me the lack of interest people have for getting their facts straight. It's why political pundits can just spew lies about stats and history and get away with it. Because no one knows if they are telling the truth because they don't know their facts. Apathy is a killer. And it's people's apathy that is going to trap them from their potential as not just Americans, but as humans. 

Americans have built our nation on the ability to identify a problem and create a solution. Then they refine the solutions until it is the best it can be. But I have seen a trend in history where we balked at our ownership of innovation and told the government to take care of it. That's not the government's job and that's why it fails at many of the things it tries to do (Obamacare website perhaps as one of many examples?). 

While standing in the Lincoln Memorial, I always take time to stand and read the Gettysburg Address engraved on the side of the building. Something stood out to me this time. While standing at this site where so many Americans died, he said there's nothing we, the living, can do to add or subtract from this consecrated ground. Whether or not we dedicate this space makes no difference because the blood spilt makes it a sacred place. Rather, it is us, the ones alive, who should dedicate ourselves to finish the work they started. 

So this Memorial Day, I want to take the time to rededicate myself to the work that so many Americans have started. I'm killing apathy instead of letting it kill me. I want to help make sure that the ideas the Founding Fathers used to create this nation stand. We are nation with a government by the people and for the people. Not a government where some people can bully other people into submission. Not a government where we take more of your money to reward those who break the law or don't work. Not a government where we shame you for being "politically incorrect." Rather, we can, and should be, a government that gets out of your life and allows you to build things that benefits  people. Because American history has shown that when Americans succeed, the whole world benefits.

I'm taking time to do that today. I hope you do too. And God bless America so that we may become who we originally set out to be. 

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

Abraham Lincoln

November 19, 1863

Was Blind But Now I See

This last week was a big day in history for our family.

Seven years ago on the weekend after Thanksgiving, Jared and I started dating.

Four years ago, I had life changing eye surgery.

Last year, we closed on our first house.

I've been very reflective this week on where I have been. I didn't have dating or marriage high on the list of things to do in college. Would it be nice to date? Sure. Were there guys interested in dating me? Yes. But I shrugged off one by one, more determined to focus on school and being the strong willed independent woman I wanted to be. Thank goodness God gave Jared the patience to wait my stubbornness out. He has helped me change into a better person. One that is more patient, more forgiving and less judgmental. I feel I still have a long way to go but I'm definitely better off with him!

Right before we got married I had eye surgery. I was legally blind and didn't have enough tissue on my eye to correct it via Lasik. However, I had the right doctor who knew the best surgeon who was able to do ICL surgery. It cost a fortune and I know how much my parents sacrificed for me to have this surgery. It has been one of the single life changing moments of my life. I remember growing up and getting my prescription adjusted every year. When we would go home I would marvel at the leaves on the trees and notice that we had our address number above our garage. But this was that on a whole different scale. I didn't know the world could be seen in HD after viewing it on a fuzzy box my whole life. I don't think I would appreciate the beauty of the world like I do today if I had not had the opportunity to have this surgery.

Last year was a life changing moment as well. Jared and I didn't just buy a house...we bought a HOME. It's a place I have been able to finally feel comfortable in. I wasn't just a passerby waiting for the next best thing. I was finally able to see and feel and decorate this space because it's my home. It's where we are going to raise our kids. It's where we are going to entertain our friends and family. It's where Jared and I will spend our good days and our bad days together. My PTSD has significantly reduced the frequency of rearing it's ugly head since moving in a year ago. Again, life changing.

As I reflect on these things, I can't help but remember Paul writing in 1 Corinthians that when we are younger in life, whether that be in our Christian walk or our physical life span, "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know it part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known." I remember having so many questions after graduating college...even more than after graduating high school. Most of my questions can be summarized by "Now what?" It's so incredible that just a few years later I can look back and go, "Wow God. I had a big vision of what you wanted me to do. But the path that you took me down to get here is something only you could have dreamed up."

And it can all be summarized as grace.

Amazing grace! How sweet the sound
that saved a wretch like me!
I once was lost, but now am found;
was blind but now I see.

Grace from God is what brought me to Jared. Grace from my parents is what allowed me to literally see. Grace is what allowed me to see metaphorically what God wanted me to do. Grace is what brought us to this home and this job and this amazing group of friends and family. I am truly thankful this Christmas season. It's the most content I have ever been in my life, and I am truly thankful.

Here's to what God is doing next.

Anticipation

How many more days until Disney??????

Happy Halloween! I hope you and your family have fun tonight Trick or Treating together!

I get a little cynical about Halloween because of two things.

1) We avoid death at all costs and then make light of it one month out of the year. I think Halloween is fun to a certain extent. I like dressing up in a costume and carving pumpkins and having parties. But when you have the whole Halloween store on your front yard and bloody handprints on the windows, I think that's a bit too far.

2) The minute the clock chimes midnight and it's November, everyone instantly goes into Christmas mode. Never mind Thanksgiving. We just want to go straight to the holiday where we ask for things to be given of us. This isn't going to be a post ranting about the importance of Thanksgiving (I'll do that post later) but rather, a pontification about why we anticipate Christmas so much. In fact, why do we anticipate things in the first place?

I am definitely in a state of anticipation right now as I count down the days until we get to go to Disney. I'm listening to Disney music, Disney podcasts, watching old Disney videos from past trips (mine as well as others on youtube), making costumes, and my suitcase has been open with all the things I need for the trip resting nicely inside. One minute I'm on a Disney cloud. Next minute, I'm sad because the trip seems so far away still. The push and the pull of emotions brought on by anticipation seems to be killing me, as the saying goes.

So what is it about Disney that gets me all excited and anxious about going? It's the fact that it's a vacation in a place I find joy and I get to share it with some favorite people of mine. It's a guarantee that no matter what we end up enjoying our time together and make memories for a lifetime.

I think this is what the draw is for Christmas too. Although Christmas brings some baggage with family dynamics and those who have experienced loss, it's a time where society seems to be at least trying to be better. We smile at each other. We give gifts. We sing songs about hope and joy. We think about how terrible Mr. Scrooge was and thank goodness those ghosts taught him a lesson! We have random flash mobs in the mall singing Christmas music and bringing magic to normal everyday life. We eat good food and spend time with those we love most.

Let's zoom out even further. What are other things we anticipate besides Disney trips and Christmas? I know for our family, we anticipate when Jared's job will allow him to gain seniority. We anticipate our small business growing. Some might anticipate a certain team winning the Super Bowl (*cough...Cowboys*). Others might anticipate that special someone coming into their lives. Some might be anticipating the new life coming into their family. I know some are anticipating loved ones coming back home.

Anticipation allows us to see what we desire. What is that thing that we are most eagerly awaiting to happen? Point to that, and that is what your heart is chasing after. It's not bad. But if you are not careful, it can lead to bad things. If you allow your emotions then to go like mine waiting for my Disney trip, then your going to be swinging back and forth between cloud nine and hopelessness, wondering if it will ever happen.

Now, the church answer to what we should actually be anticipating is "We should be eagerly awaiting when Jesus is coming back." And yes, while that sounds nice, many of us would go, "Well, sure. But people keep guessing the date wrong and in the meantime..."

So the question is, why is it so hard to get excited about Jesus coming back?

I don't have the answer to that.

I have theories. They range from the fact that I don't have a date for Jesus' return. I'm also pretty sure I will die before that happens. But, again, I don't know that for sure. I also think that part of me is like, "I talk to God every day. It's not like he's in another country and I'm waiting for him to come home." Life doesn't seem so bad that I want him to come and take me away from it. So what's the rush?

This the line of thinking that makes it hard to anticipate Jesus returning like I anticipate Disney. So I'm going to let this question marinate in my own brain. While I already have a passionate love for God and wanting to bring him glory, why is it hard for me to find the emotions to get excited about God coming back? I know it's possible. I've experienced it before. And when I do, how do I integrate my life with that passion for his return?

Universal Encouragement

One of the many "fun" administrative jobs of mine is to send out our newsletter for our ministry every month. I always begin by dreading it. By the end I get excited by all I get to share about what's going on with our team!

I wrote this as an encouragement to our volunteers, but thought some of you could use it and apply it in our daily lives. Community is being slowly replaced by technology and it is crucial to God working in our lives!

"October is such a fun month. We have cooler temperatures, pumpkins are coming out. Everyone
seems to be on board with October being super fantastic.

What is also super fantastic is the teams we are building within Redeemed in Dallas. We have some
incredible people stepping up and answering the call God has put on their hearts to serve the women
who are being exploited within our city.

With all the awesome activity, the thing that has been on my heart has been the word "sustainability."
These women are used to people coming in and out of their life, never sticking around long term for
them. The question most people ask of them is "what can I get out of you?" We are working to have
them ask the question, "What does God think about you?"

We all know the answer to that is God hold us in high value. We are his most prized creation. He
knows our thoughts. He knows our hurts. He knows our dreams. He loves us unconditionally, which is a concept that is hard for us to wrap our heads around. But once these women know God is for them and not against them, we know it can turn their whole situation around.

So the question I ask of myself and our teams is how are we going to sustain these efforts to reach
these women? When burn out comes, when we experience fear, when life seems too complicated to
continue, how are we going to continue reaching out to these women who are desperately looking for
God's love? The answer is two fold: 1) continuing our personal walk with Christ, asking for him to
stretch time and energy so that we can obey the call and 2) reaching out to those we work with for
support and help with the things Satan is throwing at us to try to stop us.

Redeemed is unique in that we are not just a non-profit that you check in and out of in order to get
service hours or experience. Rather, we are a community of believers from all over the metroplex
gathering together in Christ to reach out to those in the darkest of situations and offer them a light of
hope. On top of that, God isn't just using us to change the lives of the women we minister to, but he's
using our community and those we volunteer with to change us to become more like Christ as well.

So I encourage you to not just check in and out and add this work to the list of things you do to be a
"good Christian." Rather I encourage you to really plug in and build community with the people doing this work alongside you. I know the people that have stepped up and volunteered for a while have already changed my life. I pray that God does the same in your life."

Time Travel

http://quotesfans.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/08/Doctor-Who-Quotes-David-Tennant-Timey-Wimey-1.jpg

Jared and I have found a new favorite nerdy TV show. It's not so new...but more new to us. It is none other than

Dr. Who

When it comes to cheesy British TV shows I have found that I'm a sucker. I absolutely know there are some jokes that just go way over my American head. But it's funny, witty and like any good sic-fy show, helps us to clarify our values as humans.

With Dr. Who on Netflix streaming in our house much more these days, it really does have me thinking about the past, present and future more. More specifically, what's on loop is the old adage that sometimes you have to look back at where you have been to determine where you should go next. With time continuums and alternate dimensions constantly being created by our choices no matter how small, I've been evaluating my own life in the scope of human history...which can get a bit overwhelming at times!

What I have boiled it down to is three things.

1. Dr. Who LOVES humans and sees the best in them.
Whenever he comes across some crisis that humans are about to overcome or they are on the verge of some scientific breakthrough, he is the human race's biggest fan. He doesn't let individual humans give in to defeatism. He praises humans for spanning time and space with their courage and bravery. When someone holds the human race back from their potential, he defeats them with a vengeance.

This is something that I feel like is missing in our culture today. I hear much in the political talk about how many talk show host don't have faith in the American public today to make good decisions. They begin to talk down to people who are low information voters and become just like the elitists you find on the progressive side of policies. Conservative or liberal, you cannot hold yourself higher in position than any other fellow human and be effective at bringing about change.

Imagine if we did believe in ourselves. Imagine if we kept believing that we really could make changes for the better and actively made them happen right now. Imagine if we didn't give in and acquiesce to a challenge just because it got hard. Disney didn't let that stop him from making Snow White or Disneyland. Reagan effected great change politically because he believed in the American public. Dr. Who doesn't dismiss the defects humans have but rather encourages humans to work past them.

2. Dr. Who just simply loves to explore new places.
I think this is lost on many of us as human beings. Even myself who loves to travel likes having a home and a schedule. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around how Dr. Who literally never has a normal day. He never has a schedule or relationships (other than the revolving door of girls that come in and out of his life). But his thirst for knowledge drives him to see and explore so many new places.

Sometimes as humans we tend to lose that sense of adventure and prefer our couches in front of the TV instead of experiencing the world around us. I hope that we never lose that desire to travel and learn from other people that we meet...even if the relationships only last for a short time.

3. Dr. Who is always regenerating.
Usually he regenerates after something catastrophic has happened. Literally, his cells reorganize and he becomes as completely new human being. He has to rediscover his own personality and his own likes and dislikes. While biologically we as humans may not regenerate I believe we spiritually and emotionally regenerate. Usually, if you think about it, after a very traumatic and trying time. It's that moment when you realize that you don't have that job you wanted and so you rethink everything you wanted to do in your career. It's that moment a relationship breaks down. It's that time when you have to overcome a physical ailment. People relate it to life breaking down your old walls and you having to rebuild them all over again.

But what's cool is those are the moments you get to discover a whole new self. You can discover that you really can overcome your fear of heights or can run further. You might discover you actually like escargot after years of avoiding it. Or that person you thought didn't like you can actually become a good friend. Your little stone shack just got knocked down but a beautiful castle is being built up in it's place.

And if you want to bring it full circle, the times when you feel like you have to regenerate are those times when it is most critical to see the best in your future. To believe the future can be greater than before.

Thankfully, I'm not at a point where I feel like I have a cataclysmic regeneration going on right now. But I am still growing and changing and learning about myself and where I'm going. I believe Dr. Who is so popular because he is the one who gives us hope. While the future may be daunting and scary and unknown it is also our untapped potential. If we hold on to that adventurous spirit and believe that we can always be improving individually, we will be able to really do all the amazing things that we see on the Dr. Who show!

“We’re all stories, in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?”

— The Doctor, Season 5, Episode 13

Giving Up Control

Control is a weird word. It also bring up some interesting emotional responses in people.

But, let's face it, we all like to have control over things. We like to control what we watch and when we watch it...so we invented the DVR. We like to control traffic and our commute to work so the app Waze was created. We like to control our news feed on Facebook, our news stories, our podcasts...we have phones that allow us to customize it exactly how we want it!

I'm sure it's just me. But maybe someone else might try to control other people around them sometimes...

We like to be able to predict what is going to happen around us and make sure that it comes out in our favor. It's human nature. We try to control others but don't like to be controlled by other people. But many times, when we try to gain control of our situation, we end up losing control of the situation. It's a mix-mashed bag of crazy.

We need to learn how to give up control.

I deal with having to learn to give up control on a daily basis. I'm pretty sure God had me marry a pilot just to break me of my planning habit. I like to plan YEARS in advance when it comes to events and trips. He's been on reserve for way longer than expected and I can never plan for 100% until the month before. It drives me NUTS.

Not to mention, I get to deal with Jared on a daily basis. I'm sure I get frustrated over his decisions sometimes just as much as he gets frustrated over mine. :)

Then, God gave me in interns at work. I know that I need to let them work on their own projects so that they can learn and grow, even from mistakes. Micromanaging won't help. But it's my instinct to make sure every detail is in place!

Then, God gave me the women I work with. Emergencies happen without any warning. You can't plan for emergencies in your schedule and you have to just go with the flow when the needs arise.

Then, God gave me Obama. Everything seems to be going down the drain. I shake my head as I see other people in my generation not caring about politics or the ways in which our government affects our daily lives. Yet, I can't control how people think, vote, or pay attention.

The good news is, I have plenty of opportunity to practice giving up control. What's awesome is that this last weekend in FC Kids, we learned that God is so powerful that he controls everything in the universe. He controls the stars, the blood moon we just got to witness, the things in the ocean, the storms, EVERYTHING! And yet, the one thing he gave up control on was us. He gave up the control to make us worship him. He gave us a choice. His biggest act of love for us was to give us free will. To choose to accept him as Christ or not.

Our biggest act of love sometimes is to give up control of certain situations where we try to control everyone else. My biggest act of love to Jared is to not try to control his likes, habits, schedule, etc. I can really help my interns by not micromanaging. I can't make my sparrows choose wisely...I have to love them enough to know God's going to work all things in their life for his glory. I can't control what happens in my government or what people think. In fact, I think many of our problems would be solved if people just stopped trying to control one another.

What we don't realize though, is that while we are anxious about giving up control, this is the very thing that will help release us from anxiety. When we pray and give up control over something to God, it's a peaceful, calming feeling knowing that he is going to take it over. It only gets stronger the more and more we experience God coming through for us. If we know that God is all powerful and has control over everything, why don't we trust him with it?

So as you go about your weekend today, I hope that this little bit of musing can help you trust God with whatever is going on in your life. After all...we know that we are supposed to be just...

LETTING IT GO!

Bringing Hope to Those in Pain

In my line of work, I deal with people (mainly women) who have reached the end of their rope. They have experienced such pain and drama that they are filled with shame and grief over what has happened in their past. What we try to do is help them see what God wants to offer them...hope and love. But, that is a much more difficult task than you would think.

Take this clip from when I first got to hold my brother after he was born...


All my little 3-year-old brain knew was that I was holding a baby boy. Who knew it had a name! I had no context that this baby boy would grow up, have his own spunky personality, be my comrade-in-arms on our childhood adventures or become one of my best friends. My brain had no context of what a baby brother meant because it had never experienced having a baby brother before.

We see this phenomena with women who have never experienced hope before. They don't know what it looks like because in many cases, they have rarely experienced it. If they have, it was a long time ago in an era of their life long forgotten.

Most women have experienced pain for so long they lash out pain to those around them. You might have heard the expression, "People in pain hurt others." I know I have seen that in my own experience. Then the people that are trying to help them and bring them hope end up walking out on them because they do not want to be hurt any more.

Another metaphor: When I was training to become a life guard, we had to learn how to deal with people who were thrashing around in the water. Many times, it was human nature to grab on to anything or anyone else around them and push them under the water in an effort of self preservation. While we were trying to save them, they were trying to drown us. This is what happens when working with human trafficking victims as well.

So how do we bring hope to people that have no context of it and lash out at those trying to bring it to them?

With patience.

We have to be so patient with people in pain. We have to understand what they are processing through. Allow them to work through the anger and pain and guilt and shame and everything Satan is throwing at them from their past. We have to have Teflon emotions where we do not take their actions or words against us personally. We have to love them even when they don't seem to value themselves.  This includes showing "tough love" as well, by not empowering them to continue self destructive habits. By doing this it allows God to plant the seeds necessary in their lives to grow and one day, become hope. And not just any hope, but hope in the one person that can bring it genuinely 100% of the time.

You may not deal with trafficking victims every day. But you do have family members, friends, co-workers who are hurting in different ways. Be patient with them. Love on them. And show them that they can have hope in their situations too.

"Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with a heart of mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if someone happens to have a complaint against anyone else. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also forgive others."

~ Colossians 3:12-13

Hope With No Shame

Recently, I've had to completely stop listening to some of the news podcasts I listen to. The message is the same.

"America is going to crap unless Americans wake up and do something about it."
"American's are stupid. So, therefore, we are all doomed."

And that's the basic "jist"
of hours of talk radio. So if you don't listen to talk radio, you aren't missing much.

The whole thing sounds very similar to a Psalm I just read:

Psalm 12:1-4

Deliver, Lord!
For the godly have disappeared; 
people of integrity have vanished. 
People lie to one another;
they flatter and deceive. 
May the Lord cut off all flattering lips,
and the tongue that boasts!
They say, “We speak persuasively; 
we know how to flatter and boast. 
Who is our master?”

In fact, we sound a ton like the Romans as Paul describes them in chapter 1:28-32

And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what should not be done. They are filled with every kind of unrighteousness, wickedness, covetousness, malice. They are rife with envy, murder, strife, deceit, hostility. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, contrivers of all sorts of evil, disobedient to parents, senseless, covenant-breakers, heartless, ruthless. Although they fully know God’s righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but also approve of those who practice them.

So then why should I have hope in the future? People that I talk to about human trafficking, abortion or any other major issue in our society don't seem to want to respond and take action against all that is going on.

Well, thankfully, Paul gives us an example of what we can do through Abraham in Romans chapter 4.

Abraham was asked to leave his home and go somewhere were he was a stranger. I identify with this because sometimes I feel like a stranger to my generation. Then God made him a promise that he was going to have a son, despite that biologically, it made no sense to him or his wife. Yet Paul says that Abraham "In hope, he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, 'So shall your offspring be.'" We see that Abraham was "fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised."

So the question for myself is, when I feel like a stranger in my own generation with a promise that God has given me, do I hope against all hope that when everything is stacked against me that God will provide all that is necessary for His promise to come true?

You see, I can come up with all the programs and ideas in the world and work really hard for them to work. Yet nothing is going to be able to happen if I do not have faith that God will work everything out in his timing. It's not going to be easy (just look at Abraham's life...not comfy!) but his faith was counted to him as righteousness. Not his works.

Paul continues, "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

Many people might think we are foolish to look at all that is happening in our world and pin all our hopes to God. He doesn't seem to be here with all of the evil that is happening in our generation. But what people don't see is all the times we have put our faith in God in our personal lives and the times he has come through for us. Every time I try to make something happen, it fails and God brings the same result around another way. EVERY TIME.

So while we live in a season of our generation where we are lost, let's continue to have the faith that God desires us to have so that we can learn to trust in him more and more. Our hope isn't in vain. It's so that God's love for us can be manifested in a way that allows us to love him more!

Benchmarks

It has been HOT this summer.

I'm sure you are thinking, "Thanks Captain Obvious. This is Texas."

Well, it's a statement I feel I need to make sure is on the page so that we all have the same starting place!

Because it has been so hot, running has been such a beat down. I feel like all I do is  run slow and drown in my sweat. Especially when I have track days with the training group. The track gets so hot some of the tar literally melts and attaches itself to the bottom of my shoes. Instead of feeling fast, I feel like I'm dragging a bunch of 20 pound dumbbells behind me.

Each of us in our training has splits we are supposed to try to hit while doing our track run. I've been hitting mine even though the heat has been oppressive. So one day when I wasn't going to be able to join my training group and had to do my track session on the treadmill at home, I had to do some math to figure out what settings I was supposed to use on the treadmill to achieve the same speed I do on the track.

I had to redo my math three times because I thought I kept getting it wrong.

I used to run my speed workout according to my McMillin calculator splits it gave me back in February. That translated to my treadmill by running my interval pace at a 6.0 MPH on the treadmill. Now, my math was telling me I can now do my treadmill pace at a 6.5 MPH.

So while I did my math three times using three different methods to get there, I finally concluded that it would be the correct speed. And sure enough, I was able to do it. The last interval was painful, but that's the same as every track workout!

A similar thing happened in my personal life. I've always felt I wasn't good at remembering Bible verses to help other people when they needed them. I've really dedicated myself this year to reading out of my physical Bible and not my electronic one so that I can highlight and comment to myself in the margins. I was hoping that by doing this, I would remember where in the Bible certain stories and verses that meant a ton to me were located. Sure enough, a situation at work called for me to share some encouraging verses to a woman who needed them. Without hesitation, I was able to recall several verses that ended up helping her calm down. I did a little, "hmmm" to myself afterwards. It was the first time I had been able to do that instantaneously.

What's the point to all this? Oftentimes in our Christian walk, we feel like we aren't making any progress. We keep dealing with the same emotions, the same habits, the same struggles and don't feel like we are getting anywhere. However, it's important for us to have "benchmarks" in our lives to see how we have progressed. We need to have an "old self" to compare to in order to see how God is working in our lives.

So as you go throughout your week or month, take stock of things that you do. Whether you are running faster, lifting stronger, being more intentional with relationships or your walk with God, see what you are doing better or what needs improvement. While we have faith that God will change us, it's nice to be able to see measurable progress. It allows us to be able to go back and say, "Wow God!" and ultimately, give him the glory he deserves!

Travel vs. Home

Home building things or traveling seeing the Stanley Cup? I vote both.
If you are interested in buying the Home Sweet Home sign you can here!

This summer had been a whirlwind.

We traveled so much over the last few months. It's given me a new perspective, which...since this is a blog...I'm wanting to share!

I've always been the type of girl that's wanted to go on adventures. Thankfully, growing up, my parents got the opportunity to take me all over the world. I've been to see the Midwest, the Northeast, California, the Grand Canyon, and so many other places in the U.S. I've been to Italy, Belgium, Paris, Beijing, and the list goes on internationally. I really do thank my parents for being the kind of people that value experiences with those you love rather than the acquisition of things. I feel like the experiences I got to have while traveling have taught me a ton about people and a ton about myself as well.

Thankfully, that spirit hasn't died since getting married. Some of our most special times as a couple has been traveling whether it was just us or with our families.

When I was at my last job I didn't travel as much because of the way my job schedule was. I felt a void in my life where I once got to travel a ton and now I was hardly leaving home. So when I came to my current job where I could travel with more frequency, I was excited. However, I had no idea how much travel was going to come this summer. I was gone at least once a month since May. At one point we were only home one weekend out of a five weekend stretch. At the end of the summer I didn't feel full and refreshed with a passion for life like I normally do after traveling. Instead I felt drained. Exhausted beyond just lack of sleep. All I wanted to do was to be home.

So what changed? Why have I gone from being this passionate world traveler to a homebody?

I think it all comes to rhythm.

One of the things I love about my current job is that I don't ever have a week that looks the same. I never know what God is going to put in my life from week to week. It keeps me on my toes. It makes me excited to see Him work in unexpected ways. However, I think I have come to crave some type of rhythm in the rest of my life. It's why the girl who never likes to clean seems to always get to laundry done on Mondays and why I get sad if I have to miss my run with my training group during the week. I am craving these things that remind me what day of the week it is. It's why holidays and birthdays and traditions are so important to me. They ground me and remind me where I come from and what life is all about.

While I mull over these thoughts, I can't help but conclude that I think this is a God given design. We definitely need to travel and meet people who are not like us and experience all that God has created on this Earth to the fullest extent we can in our short life spans. He teaches us valuable life lessons in this travel. However, I think God has designed in each of us the desire for a place to call home. Why do you think we have tons and tons of shows who's sole purpose is to show you who to decorate your house?

However, don't you think it's interesting that we never seem completely satisfied by either being home or traveling? We always want to take the next big trip or decorate our house some more. I think this is God designed too. We will never be satisfied until we get to our ultimate home, heaven. There, we will have the ultimate, permanent place to call home and yet tons and tons to explore all at the same time. I think it took traveling so much this summer to show me how much God must have a longing for us to come home someday so that we can explore all he has made for us.

So, while I still look forward to the trips I have for the rest of the year, I'm excited about the fact that I have a place to call home. That I can cook Taco Tuesdays in my kitchen. That I have a garage for us to build a small business. That my Vinylmation minions watch me type this blog in silent solidarity on my desk. I'm perfectly fine with balancing travel and life at home. And thankfully, someday, I will get to explore my ultimate home thanks to the perfect love that God has for us.

Fireworks

I honestly sit here inspired tonight. It's been the culmination of a million pondering moments and a million questions all converging at once.

I had the honor tonight to attend a concert in the Botanical Gardens with one of my dearest friends Ashley and her family. Honestly, when I found out I was going to get to hang out with them tonight I was so excited. I love their family and how funny, genuine and hospitable they are. It takes a special kind of people to invite me over to a dinner and cater to my gluten free needs and they did so with flying colors. Literally. Mr. Mark's shirt looked exactly like the American flag when you held up our patriotic napkins to his shirt!

But I guess I should start explaining things a little bit, first starting a few months ago when I attended a training for work. We talked about trauma and how it affects the brain. We like to talk in symbolism to get our points across, naturally. We discussed how trauma affects the brain and how the brain achieved healing. The metaphor that the speaker used was that trauma was not a linear model where we travel in a straight line and get to point B from point A. Rather, it's a spiral model where we start at the bottom. Some times we move forward and other times we move back. But regardless where we are in the spiral, we are always moving up.

This is an important thing to keep in mind when we consider all that has been happening recently.

Personally, I've been under a ton of stress. Between my work with the women I mentor and my personal life, there is a ton going on. I can't elaborate. But let's say the new essential oils I received are definitely helping along side some very long prayer times for my anxiety.

Meanwhile, I couldn't even look at Facebook for a while. I feel like a recent post I saw from Glen Beck summed it up exactly:

Personally, I believe my first citizenship is to God. I am a daughter of the King. He says homosexuality was not a part of his design. So therefore, I believe that if you are living a homosexual lifestyle, you are not living in the will of God. However, God gave us the freedom to make our own choices. That's what makes His love so spectacular; He doesn't force us to love him. So in accordance to my second citizenship to the United States of America, you have the ability to do whatever you chose to do, as long as it doesn't cause me to deviate from my freedom to follow my beliefs in God.

What I do have a problem with is how this, among other decisions, was passed down through our court system. We have a constitution which is the most unique piece of governmental procedure in the world. No one came up with something like this before America. I feel like if we are to really protect freedom to live the way we want to (whether you choose to follow God or not) that monumental document needs to be followed so that everyone has the freedom to live the life they chose.

So meanwhile, I see the hate and the divisiveness that is coming across in social media and I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart. I wonder how such a court decision could have happened. Then on top of that, how can we have become a society where if you have a differing opinion than I do, it makes you an enemy that I can never talk to again?

So this Fourth of July, I am very reflective and prayerful as I consider what we are actually celebrating this year. While I'm very disappointed in what has happened in our country recently, I still can't help think about the spiral model of healing. Sometimes we will go forward. Sometimes we will go backward. Yet we will always be going up.

As I watched the fireworks tonight above my hometown, I couldn't help but judge which fireworks I thought were the prettiest. I'm pretty consistent. Ever since I was little I've loved the ones that sparkle and have lots of twinkling lights that linger even after the initial explosion. As I watched (and maybe had to wipe the ash from my face) I thought, "What is it about those fireworks that makes the sparkle ones so exceptional?" In my reflective mood, I thought about how there are thousands of tiny pieces of the fireworks that catch the energy from the initial explosion and then ignite to create the light and the sparkle. Consequentially, that causes those fireworks to last so much longer than the other ones.

I can't help but draw a parallel from those fireworks to our society. Right now we have a ton of fireworks that draw our attention. From Obamacare to church shootings to confederate flags to homosexuality...there are so many things looking to draw our attention and create a divide amongst our country right now. But the fireworks that last and actually make a difference in our lives are the ones that see the goodness and the kindness in our society. While they may not make the front page or the top of the news, they are the stories that actually pierce our hearts and cause us to aspire to be better versions of ourselves.

So amongst all those that have expressed despair for the future of our country, I actually have hope in our America. I believe that God is bringing up a generation of people my age that have caught the initial spark of the gospel and are propelled to make a change where God has planted them. That obedience, grace and love causes them to spark and make a difference in the lives of those around them, who therefore also catch the spark. God is creating a huge firework, the kind that lingers long after the others, and spreads the good news of love and redemption.

We may be in a backwards trend of the spiral right now. Trust me, I know it's NOT pretty. But I have hope. I refuse to give in to the idea that we are beyond repair. America was built on hope and it will only fail when hope in something better is lost by the people that live here. It's a hard road to travel. These days the road seems pretty tough. But if we do not give up, we will be that shining light on a hill the Bible talks about.

We will be a huge firework signaling freedom to everyone in the world looking for it.

So my question is, what spark is God calling you to be?

When God Says No

Growing up I always wanted to be an astronaut. My copy of "Flying to the Moon" by Michael Collins has a lot of wear and tear over the years from reading it constantly, only interrupted by homework and dance lessons. I did my research papers on astronauts. My drawings were of space. I remember looking through the telescope with my dad at planets and waking up at 3 AM to watch meteor showers from my backyard. We went to NASA in both Houston and Florida. My living statue assignment was on the Challenger teacher Christa McAuliffe...proof that someone "ordinary" could become an astronaut had the space shuttle actually worked. I watched Star Wars, wondering if I would someday find other planets to live on. I dreamed of becoming the first person on Mars.

But even after all of this, I distinctly remember struggling in math my junior year of high school and praying to God, "Is being an astronaut what you want me to do?" While I never heard a voice, I remember my heart going numb, knowing that wasn't going to be where He was leading me. I was distraught. I didn't know what else I would do.

And then life took it's turns. I didn't get the grades. I struggled with physics. I had my own mental issues to deal with much less think of solving how to get to Mars. My interest in space turned into music, art, biochemistry...more, Earthly things. I still however, catch myself staring up, looking for stars and wondering if someone or something else is looking at our star and dreaming of other planets as well.

When I still catch myself looking up at the stars I keep wondering what was the reasoning God designed my life this way. Honestly, I don't think I will every get the answer to it until I get to heaven. But let's speculate, based on what we know, shall we?

Reasons why I wanted to be an astronaut:
1. I wanted to do what was considered impossible.
2. I wanted to explore new worlds.
3. I wanted to fly a plane.
4. I wanted to be famous and inspire other people.

Do we notice a pattern with all my reasons? They all start with "I." Also, think about this...NASA has been shut down due to budget cuts. There are no missions to space in the exact time frames I would have been looking for a job as an astronaut. Currently they are being used to produce facts about climate change...and we all know how I feel about that...

The Bible says in Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Many people told me this as a kid when I told them the big plans I had for my life. But what they didn't tell me was that it was coupled with Psalm 37:3 "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness." 

While my intentions may have been good in all my reasons to be an astronaut, God wasn't at the center of what I desired. I loved God, and I wanted Him to make me an astronaut. I was viewing God as a cosmic blessing on my plans and my dreams instead of trusting in the Lord and doing good, even when disappointment and chaos reigned in my life. If I had not been faithful with what God was calling me to do, I wouldn't have met my deepest desire...to inspire and help other people to be better versions of themselves. Had I gone down the space path, at least up to this point in my lifetime, my dreams would have been crushed. Meanwhile, God has formed me and shaped me into ministry where I get to work with - and hopefully help people - become better versions of themselves every day with God being the power behind my work. In a way, I am getting to do my original #1 reason I wanted to be an astronaut...I'm doing what most people consider impossible.

While I know it's a limited view right now, it's enough to step back and say, "Wow God, you really had my back on that one." I'm sure it will become more and more evident as time goes on why I'm on this road, but it's enough to look to the sky and say even "if we are faithless, [God] remains faithful - for he cannot deny himself." (2 Timothy 2:13b)

So for now my exploration of space will be limited to the new Star Wars in December and watching the new TV series of "Astronaut Wives." I'll pull the start chart out every once in a while while we are camping and dream other planets from the back of our truck. But on the bright side, God still hasn't closed the door on me learning how to fly a plane. Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

Listen Already

My little brother graduated college last month. That statement in itself makes me feel older than I actually am. 😳

However, this is not a post to talk about yelling at kids on my lawn. This is about something that has been on my heart for a couple of weeks. Now that it's marinated, I figured it time to pop it on the grill and share. 

At the graduation ceremony, the president of the school addressed the crowd and said if he had one thing to advise to the graduates, it would be to learn how to listen. It caused me to tilt my head to one side and go, "hmmm." 

He talked about our polarizing culture. Between ISIS, the upcoming presidential campaigns, Caitlyn Jenner and open carry legislation, you can be barraged by a number of opinions on all these things just by opening Facebook or turning on the news. With the dawn of social media, everyone get to have their say. Isn't that special?

Issue is, I learned in Elementary school that when everyone is special, no one is. We see this phenomena in social media constantly. While we post our opinions on blogs and Instagram, we can't wait to see how many likes or website visits we get. Then when we are underwhelmed by the response, we look to other blogs who say if you really want to be followed, you have to post more frequently, post about more controversial things, give your opinions more. More, more, more. It's the social media equivalent of shouting to be heard in a virtual world that is already on par with the decible of a jet engine. 

The more we post coupled with the less people respond, we become defensive and battle lines are drawn. We post comments on other people's posts with differing opinions, hoping others will back us up. Or, we just filter out differing opinions so that we can have a feel good pow wow in our minds, Anyone who gets more hearts or a differing opinion is instantly an enemy because they are taking all the likes. We pick fights just to win and make ourselves feel better. 

But ultimately, this behavior isn't driven by the desire to be heard, but actually by the desire to control people. Take an example from a heated argument Jared and I had when we first got married. He didn't do something that I wanted him to do. I had asked him to do it before because, after all, our marriage depended on him showing me love, right? When I asked him why he didn't do it if he knew that I had asked him to, he didn't have an answer. As the conversation went on, I just talked, and talked, and my voice got louder and louder until I was yelling at him and threw a pillow for good measure in order to communicate my anger. But what was driving me wasn't my desire for him to love me or understand me. It was my desire to control him and his actions. 

When we engage in social interactions either in person or virtually, many times we are just trying to control what other people think. We want to be a movie star so we can influence people. We want to inflict what we think on others by implementing political policies we like. We want to win the argument on social media so we can win over more followers who will wait with bated breath for our words on what to do or say. We want to curb the actions and attitudes that we don't agree with so we don't have to deal with them. 

This is the source of our polarizing culture: control. Everyone wants to control everyone else. Problem is, I can't even control Jared, much less a community of people. Our argument in our marriage wasn't settled until I actually shut up for a second and allowed Jared to talk without me planning my next retort in my head. Our society's arguments won't be settled until we do the same. 

I can't control what other people do, but I can decide how I am going to respond. Letting someone make a different decision after I have communicated my opinion is the most vulnerable I have ever felt. As I think about it, I feel like it's how God feels whenever we decide not to listen to him. However, He gives us true liberty to have free will and not be controlled by Him. I feel like in our culture, we will not have true liberty either until we decide to give up control. We need to shut our mouths and actually listen to people for what they are actually saying. We need to be ok with them not agreeing with us. And we need to give people the freedom to make their own decision. It can definitely be scary when everyone seems to be making a different decision than you. But I think we would be surprised by the impact we can ACTUALLY have once we finally decide to just listen.

Living with PTSD

Many times on this blog, I've mentioned one of two things: my struggle with my depression and my PTSD. I am not a war vet, so many people don't even know I have it. Plus, I would never compare myself to any of them when it comes to bravery and honor. These people make life altering decisions to protect my freedom. No, my PTSD came from what happened to me at 15. I, along with my family, were victims of a home invasion. And it has fundamentally changed my life.

Initially, I wanted to just forget that it happened. As a teenager, I didn't want to go to a counselor or admit that anything was wrong. I wanted to be normal. I remember I missed that morning at school after being up until 2:00 AM with police as they investigated my house. When I arrived at lunch time, all my friends were asking where I had been. Many reacted with total shock when they heard and treated me weird afterwards. I had flashbacks walking down the stairs from classes, in the halls. I constantly felt paranoid and couldn't calm myself. I didn't understand why it happened or why I couldn't just shake it off. I remember wondering if there was ever going to be a day where I didn't think about it. If these men had stolen my ability to think about anything else. 

Thankfully high school kept me stressed out enough I could focus all my energy on that rather than why I couldn't get past my brush with death. Unfortunately, that caused my college years to be chaotic. Emotions always ran high. I frequently had insomnia or just always wanted to sleep. I would shut down if something became too overwhelming and many times, I barely had the motivation to continue with my studies. Living with my best friends helped immensely. Meeting Jared got me through many of my rough patches, especially when I went to live on my own at the end of my schooling. But I couldn't deny my bouts of depression, frequent nightmares and outbursts of anger any longer. I struggled with God, wondering why I couldn't overcome my issues. I experienced his deep love at the bottom of my pit my junior year of college. But it wasn't until graduation and getting married that I realized my issues were much deeper and I really needed help. 

Thankfully, when I moved to Dallas I was referred to a really great counselor. At the beginning, I was really frustrated because I was diagnosed with PTSD. I resented feeling labeled. Yet, as I met with her and she explained some of the symptoms and ways to manage them, I realized it wasn't a label, it was a method of getting better. My nightmares were normal. My insomnia, flashbacks, anger, paranoia, all were explained and methods to deal with them were then introduced to me. I had an unrealistic expectation that I could "cure myself" where I never had to deal with it again. But God actually used my work with trafficking survivors to help me see that I was going to have good and bad days. That the symptoms would diminish, but not necessarily always go away forever. I would ask God why he wouldn't just take it away. But I realize he has taken something terrible that has happened to me and made it a way to remind me to always trust in God. Paul mentioned he had a thorn in his side that God never took away. Mine seems to be PTSD. 

So what does it look like to live with PTSD? For starters, you have to realize that your brain has been structurally transformed due to the prolonged stress. Fight or flight responses are great for survival. However, if constantly turned on, they actually form additional channels of neurons to help deal with the stress. Post-trauma, if any of these neurons fire due to just a little amount of stress, it can trigger the same emotions that you felt when the trauma was occurring. Some of these things can be big. A kid pointed a stick at me while I was jogging in the park the other day. He was playing pretend and was an army dude "protecting the bridge." The kid didn't know doing that was going to cause me to have a flash back. But I did. Thankfully, I knew how to deal with it using a grounding technique my counselor taught me. A mile down the trail. I was feeling shaken, but relatively confident no one was pointing a gun at me.

Yet, small things can do it too. Just the other day, Jared and I were geocaching. We couldn't find the darn thing. We were bushwacking and getting frustrated and I got so overwhelmed I began to cry. Obvious to any other person, a geocache isn't worth crying for. But the constant weaving in and out of bushes and getting poked by thorns set me off where I just broke. But, thankfully, I knew it was normal for someone with my brain to get upset by that. I reassured myself that we weren't in any real danger. Then two minutes later, I was fine. Plus we found the geocache haha. So, it's just a good thing for others to know, I might get overwhelmed for a couple of minutes, and I just need to cry it out sometimes. My brain is bringing all the emotions of my past and crashing them into my present. It takes me a bit to regain control, but I'm learning how to do it better and better these days.

Secondly, for me, I need to feel accepted by those that I love. It's hard to let your guard down and be vulnerable to a person when you have been assaulted. I tell Jared all the time to show me he loves me. I desire recent evidence to allow me to feel safe in our marriage, that I am accepted with my crazy brain and all. I know he's not perfect and thankfully, forgiveness runs rampant in our household, because we both need it. But when he does show me how much he loves me, it helps me immensely to be able to feel secure. Husbands and wives...show your spouse you love them. They often feel like weirdos and outcasts even without PTSD. Showing them they are VALUED helps the healing go a long way. 

And thirdly, know that because of what has happened to me, God has implanted a deep empathy in my heart for those that go through traumatic experiences. Dr. Tomi Grover said it best that God uses the gloriously ruined to rescue those whom God wants to gloriously rescue. I understand on a deep level the shame and insecurities that come with constantly battling the past and trying to not let it affect your future. He has given me a deep love for people. That love has since transcended into my calling. 

While everyone is different in how they deal with it, I hope me being raw and real helps you, the reader, understand a little bit more about how complex stress and emotions can become when living with PTSD. Sometimes, I don't know how to explain myself and my crazy habits sometimes. Lord bless Jared when he married me! Yet, honestly, if I could go back and do it all over again, I wouldn't change anything. While I know I might not ever be "cured," I also know that living with PTSD causes me to rely on God more than ever and to reach out to people who need him all the more. And I can say I am truly thankful for that. 

The Millennial Disconnect

So I'm in that awkward stage of generations where I'm not quite an '80s baby, but I wasn't a '90s child either. I remember not having cell phones and I love being "off the grid." Yet I embrace new technology with anticipation and excitement. Growing up, I've always gotten along with those older than me and had very few friends younger than me. What makes me laugh is that "scientists" or "modern anthropologists" have tried to give my generation so many names. Yet none of them seem to really define any of us, do they? So whether we are generation XY or Millennials or whatever the names may be this day, I do see a common thread among all of us...a disconnect from reality.

There are many blog posts out there and talk show figures that lament over the bloggers and social media posters that sit in their underwear and type their opinions onto a computer screen and post them to see the world. What always makes me laugh is if they are complaining about people wearing underwear, those talk heads have bigger issues. :) I personally like wearing underwear while writing thank you very much.

All kidding aside, I understand their concerns. Many of the opinions on the web lack the "reality" that is needed to have common sense behind some of these opinions. I never thought I would become that older, cynical girl who wonders if a youngster has what it takes to work in the "real world." Yet I became that women as I sat at the Dallas Aggie Muster Ceremony and I heard all the accolades of the recipients of the scholarship recipients. I once had an outstanding resume in high school like many of these kids. It didn't mean squat once I reached college and failed my physics classes. It REALLY didn't mean anything when I had to go find a real job and work hard with a team of highly varied personalities. I sat through that ceremony and wondered, "Would I hire them for any of my internships?" Sadly, just based on what I heard, the answer was no.

It is easy to get cynical, especially in the ministry I am involved in, when most people think being involved with human trafficking means drawing a red X on your hand and posting it to social media. I used to walk around campus without shoes to support the work of TOMS. But what difference was I actually making besides picking up all the dirt around College Station? I frequently tell students it's not about a hashtag or wearing a specific bracelet. I want to know what work are you actually doing that makes a direct difference in the lives you wish to impact? Are you going and presenting to churches? Are they coming back with resources? Are you going into brothels and ministering to the women where you are? Are you raising money? Are you going on a mission trip? Does it come up in normal conversation with others because it is actually something so close to your heart?

I don't want to criticize anyone for not doing any of these things because I know that God hasn't called everyone to it. Some of you are supposed to be mothers and fathers. Some of you are supposed to focus on school, or your current job or any other social issue that God has placed on your heart. But what I think we all need to learn is that once God has placed something in your heart and called you to reach out to those he wants to reach, it is up to you to actually put in the effort.

The millennial effect is to say, "Sure God" but only put forth the effort that doesn't dramatically affect your current everyday schedule. The disconnect is to think that if you post it on social media or put together a "movement day" that you are having a direct impact on the people God is calling you to reach. It's the equivalent of the rich man who wanted to follow Jesus. But when Jesus told him he would have to sell all his possessions, he ended up not following him as a disciple. Many of us love our comfort more than we love our Christ and we allow that to keep us from doing the work he has called us to do.

So if you're being called to human trafficking, I got a spot for you haha. If you are being called to another aspect of ministry, go to it with all haste. But don't get sucked into the idea of the Millennial Disconnect. Don't allow the idea that you are entitled to comfort while serving your God to keep you from the impact he actually wants to make on the world through you.

Love Wins: Part 2

Almost a year and a half ago, I wrote this blog post called Love Wins. I was going through a very tough summer in my personal life where I moved, changed jobs, and attended more funerals that I wanted. It was a season in my life where pretty much everything that I was looking forward to either marred or didn't happen due to unforeseen circumstances.

Even though I ended that blog post with faith knowing that God would come through for us, the following year has been rough as well. Due to all the ups and downs of the year, I have been struggling with the depression the whole way. The ups were fantastic with wonderful family vacations and little victories. However, the downs seemed to plague us. Jared and I never seemed to get time together. When we did, I had something at work come up that he had to come help me with if he wanted to see me. I had a period in the fall where I was having nightmares pretty much every night and caused me to have low sleep and a higher sensitivity to stress. Christmas was brutal for me at church. So when January came around me and God has a serious amount of time to discuss and talk about what had been going on and how I was going to process through it all.

It seemed really scary to me when God called me to do Redeemed full time. It was one of those things where I was going to have to step out on faith again, and hope that everything would be alright. However, after the beating my hopes had taken last year, I was really second-guessing every decision I was making. But, I knew the end of the story. I know that love wins. And so, in obedience, I stepped out in faith again and God has seriously opened the floodgates of favor and provision.

Ever since stepping out in obedience, God has just shown me over and over that he has my back. While little things may come up that I begin to fret over, I just remind myself that God has this under control and he comes through every time. When all my donor checks got lost in the mail, God provided. When my dog has gotten a serious infection, God provided a cure and the funds to pay for it. When Jared is home, I actually get to see him. When I prayed for volunteers to come fill the positions I needed, he brought them out in droves. For the first time in a while, I feel like I now have the tangible evidence that I can point to that didn't happen years ago whenever things get hairy or scary. While I still have my PTSD moments and we still have to deal with the things life throws at us, we have a summer ahead of us full of exciting things for Redeemed, time with family and friends, travel, weddings and just an overall celebration of life. Things are finally looking up.

So to you who may be going through where I was a year and a half ago, I would encourage you standing this far down the road of the race that it does get better. Don't ever lose faith in God. Because...

"We have seasons where things seem dark and dry. We don’t feel God close to us. We feel isolated from those around us as we think, “Who could possibly understand what we are going through?” We are tempted to give up, because we wonder who cares about our seemingly wasted efforts to bring life and love into such a broken world. 

But we must remember that just because we can’t feel God close doesn’t mean he’s not there. Just because things are dark doesn’t mean they will be dark forever. You are not alone! God is with you and has placed people around you to go through this season with you. Our efforts are not wasted. They are seeds to bring glory to God in the perfect moment. Hold onto that as you go through whatever you have going on right now. You are loved by the one who created love.

And I read the end of the book. Love wins!"

Let's start an actual important conversation...

When I worked with Fellowship Church, you always had that awkward moment where when someone asks what you do and I say, "I'm a Children's Pastor." They kinda look at you weird and go "Oh!" or "Cool!" and that's the end of the conversation because now you have broken an important rule of building relationships: Don't bring up religion. I never thought it could get worse.

I was wrong.

I was in a long line at Starbucks waiting to order and a neighboring customer said hi and struck up a conversation. Naturally we get to careers and saying I was the director of a faith based non-profit that fights human trafficking was like the sum epitome of relational rule breaking. I now have now brought up religion, politics and sex. Don't you love talking to me already? I think the only thing that could be a worse conversation starter was Starbuck's #RaceTogether campaign. Those poor baristas...

But if you want to start a conversation with me you are going to hear how much I love God. You will hear how much I believe he has called me to this work. And you are going to hear about how much God is changing me just as much as he is changing the women we build relationships with.

Just last weekend we had a training with a fantastic women named Bonnie Martin. She has counseled thousands of clients and specifically works with human trafficking victims and those suffering from complex trauma. She introduced us to neuroscience that showed us images of the brain post-trauma and how it structurally redesigns the brain. It was incredible to learn how this restructuring leads to certain behavioral changes and why these women we work with think the way they do. Of course, without fail, God taught me a little bit more about myself as I struggle with my PTSD. I was able to understand how my brain works even more and what I can do to balance my life with the symptoms that occasionally interject themselves into my life.

But the most important piece to the puzzle was when she discussed shame. It will be very hard for me to sum up what I heard over two days from such an eloquent woman, but I will do my best because I feel it is so important.

Shame bring three things: secrecy, isolation and insecurity. Think about when you steal a cookie at age 5. You do it in secrecy. You isolate yourself to eat it. Then you are insecure the whole day on whether your mom or dad is going to find out. Right? Well, what Ms. Martin's point to her speech was that we don't just have a sin problem, but we also have a shame problem. In Genesis, it says that Adam and Eve, freshly created, were naked in the garden and not ashamed. But once they disobeyed God, they felt immense shame and hid from God. Sin is what keeps us from God. Shame is what keeps us from living past it. She then gave us three examples of people with shame from the Bible.

Moses was a traumatized baby. He survived white-water rafting down the Nile river and was adopted into an Egyptian family where he had identity issues and developed and anger management problem. He then killed a man in his anger, hid the body (secrecy) then ran away from home (isolation). He was so ashamed of what he did he could barely overcome his insecurity when God started talking to him from the burning bush. Thankfully, he learned to overcome his shame and lead the people out of Egypt.

Saul's story wasn't so happy. He had inherited shame socially as the youngest brother of the lowest family of the lowest tribe. When Samuel anointed him and held a banquet for him he didn't tell his family (secrecy) and hid on the day it was supposed to be announced that he was the first king of Israel (isolation). He was always insecure about his leadership role as shown by him not waiting for Samuel to come sacrifice before going into battle and by how he perceived David as a threat to his throne. He never overcame his shame.

Rahab had imposed shame. Historically, I learned that she was probably a prostitute as much as a girl being trafficked today was (aka forced to do it). Her story might be similar to many of the girls that come into our program where she was probably first trafficked at age 12 or 13. However, it was a way to survive in a culture hostile to women. She probably had so much shame from how society viewed her and she had to deal with that her whole life. However, as a survivor, she had heard of the God of the Israelites that wiped their enemies out. When she came across the Israeli spies, she saw an opportunity to save herself and her family. Yet, when the Israeli spies told her to put the scarlet cord in the window, she had a tough decision. Scarlet was the color associated with sexually immorality (Scarlet Letter anyone?) and so so save herself, she had to broadcast her occupation to the community. Thankfully she didn't let her shame from her occupation stop her and she became part of the lineage of Jesus.

See how it wasn't just the sins of the individual people that caused them to hesitate when God called them? It was the shame of their sins that they had to overcome. Those in the Bible that were able to understand that God knew every secret about them and yet still loved them allowed them to overcome their shame and move on to do the great God had called them to do.

I'm sure as I'm writing this some of the shame that you still keep secret in your heart might be coming to mind. When I was thinking about it, I had some things that I was ashamed of come to mind instantly. And yet, as we celebrate Easter, it is so good to know that our Savior knew we were going to face shame. With this knowledge he underwent severe beatings and mocking, taking the shame that he didn't deserve with him as he was paraded down the street to his death. With his resurrection, we see that he overcame the sin that keeps us from God, but he also overcame the shame that allows us to experience true liberty from our shame in His glory.

Do you really want to start a conversation? Let's talk about how the sin and the shame that we deal with as a human beings causes many of the problems that we see today, including human trafficking. People in pain inflict pain on others. Let's talk openly about how the answer to the sin and shame problem is getting squashed in our schools and our politics. Let's talk about how it's taboo to bring God up in conversation. Let's talk about the messes in life that the directives of God can help us heal and avoid in the future. Let's talk about how we can still be reflections of Christ without having to be perfect ourselves.

My hope is that if we can start having this real, actually important conversation, we can see real hope and change occur in our society. Isn't that a beautiful thing to imagine?

Happy Easter everyone. Remember that God loves you and you don't have to live in shame any more.