Moses and Me

So I have had several awesome things happen over the last couple of days that I really wanted to share with you all! I mentioned in my last post that I was dealing with a ton of doubt. Doubt about myself, Redeemed, church, EVERYTHING it seemed. I was in a funk and having a hard time shaking it.

Well, I've had some great conversations with people. God's been connecting a ton of dots. It would take a long time to explain everything that has happened but God is opening small doors and providing hopeful avenues even when it seems there is no way.

The last few days I've been focusing on waiting and prayer. These are probably some of the hardest things for me to do! I'm a goal oriented, step by step process kind of girl! To not work and just wait for God and to talk to what I sometimes feel is thin air are two things that do not come to mind with someone like me who feels she needs to be doing something in order to feel like she's going somewhere. But, I've been learning a ton about prayer and hoping to get closet to God and on the same page. Not only am I asking him to change me into a person where I can listen better and trust better, but I'm praying that he make the paths for Redeemed straight and the barriers to be removed.

But it's been SLOW!

At the women's conference Monday where Redeemed was blessed with a table, I was able to sit in on the sessions. There, the speaker talked about waiting and she quoted 2 Peter 3:9

"The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance."

I was like, "Ok, God. I feel like I am easy to lose hope in you. I easily try to do things myself because I don't feel you working. Help me in my unbelief. Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I have doubt."

Today rolls around and I went for my run this morning. I listened to Breakaway Ministries where Ben Stewart talked about Moses and talking to the Pharaoh about letting the Israelites free. I realized that God had the power to defeat the Egyptians in one fell swoop. He could have done more supernatural plagues. Why would he tell Pharaoh that the judgement was coming? Why did he remove the plagues when Pharaoh asked? Why didn't he just skip to number 10 if that was what was going to set his people free?

I realized that God uses this pattern with the Israelites too in the prophets of the Bible. He constantly declared judgement and then deferred it when the people turned back to him. It wasn't until they had utterly renounced God that he gave them over to the Babylonians. If you look at God then, he was trying to be merciful to his people. He was trying to get them to repent of their ways and extend them grace. But notice that he never gave up on them. He rescued them from their bondage again and ultimately sent Jesus to save them forever.

If you look at the Pharaoh in that light, I believe that God was also attempting to show mercy to the Egyptians. Ben Stewart talked about how he knew that the "goings on" in Egypt were spread to the entire countryside and he wanted to make his name known. Not in an egotistical way, but because he knew he was what they needed.

God dragged out the process, which I know what frustrating for Moses and the Israelites. But the Bible says that a multitude went with the Israelites out of Egypt and I'm 90% certain that many Egyptians believed in God due to the plagues and went with the Israelites out of Egypt. God's name went out so far that even a prostitute named Rahab had heard of the God of the Israelites before they even arrived at the city walls. God's name went out so far, that centuries later, many who aren't even Christian know this story and can watch it in cartoon form in the "Prince of Egypt."

As I look at this and try to free people in my own culture, some obvious parallels occur. I feel like God is giving me the worst pep talk of the century. He's like, "I've put it on your heart to free these people, but you are going to encounter all these issues along the way." I'm starting to imagine what Moses felt like when God said, "Go tell Pharaoh to let my people go, but I'm going to harden his heart."

However, I believe that if God wanted to, he could free all the men, women and children being trafficked in the world this very instant. He has the power to do that. However, just like he has done for centuries, God likes to use people. It's his favorite medium to work with. God begins with relationships and even though I feel like he's dragging out the process and time is of the essence so no one has to be trafficked ever again, I believe God has a purpose. I believe he has a plan. I believe his name is going to be glorified because of the abolition of trafficking and I pray, that many see this work and accept his graceful love.

Am I frustrated? Yes. Am I patient? Not really. But do I trust?

Absolutely. Because he is faithful, even in my doubt.

Marathons and bombs do not go together!

So I woke up this morning to my dog greeting me. It's such a wonderful thing to wake up to a dog AND a husband! In the past this doesn't usually happen!

As I got ready for the day I realized that the Boston Marathon was on this morning! Jared and I had spent a good deal of time last night talking about Boston as we were thinking of taking one last quick trip before our lives went into overdrive busy. We were looking at the map, picking out things to see, where to stay, things to do...normal touristy planing stuff. Naturally the Boston Marathon came up in conversation as we are training for our first marathon.

It was awe inspiring this morning to watch these athletes run faster than I've ever sprinted for miles and miles and miles! Even though you were looking at the same camera angle for minutes at a time, just watching the people run and jockey for position, thinking through the tactical and psychological parts of the race were thrilling! I was rooting for the American girls and I am really excited for their 4th and 6th place finishes!

Jared and I then went on with our day. We worked out, took care of our dog who's got an upset stomach, etc and then find out that minutes before I looked at my iPad's news, there was a bomb at the same race we were watching just hours ago. I was on the verge of tears watching runners who were running such a great feat either not be able to finish or be injured before they got across the finish line. I thought about my own upcoming marathon. Would the same thing happen at mine? It's always a possibility. Would I go even if that was a possibility? Will people run the Boston Marathon or any other race next year?

And before I go on, I know nothing I say will probably make any difference. I don't expect people to listen to me. There isn't anything I can say that will ease the pain of those who lost loved ones. They are going to have a long road through greif along side those who were injured and have a long road through recovery. The mental and psychological trauma will take time and patience to get through and it will be hard.

Unfortunately, as a society, we are not a stranger to terrorism. Nothing I say will make a difference, change what happened, or help with what road lies before those people involved. But for me and those that are mentally sorting through the unnecessary violence that happens in our culture, this is my response. Terrorism is meant to make us fearful. Fear will make us do life different. That different life will not be the full life God has planned for us. We will constantly live negative, paranoid, looking for someone to blame as we life in our unforgiveness and fear.

As the victim of a violent crime, I've had to deal with those thoughts and process through them in my own way. But as I've become a runner, I've learned that runners are the types of people that push through pain. They hear their bodies say, "Stop!" and allow their minds to push the body further. They accomplish feats that inspire us! They defy limits and say, "I can do the impossible." That's why we love sports. That's why comebacks in competitive games are some of the best moments in sports history. What looks impossible becomes possible and gives us hope for the rest of our lives.

So the answer to my questions? Will people run the race next year? My immediate response was yes. Because we are not a people who quit at the point of pain but run through it. We don't disregard it, but we fight through it. We run in remembrance of pain but also in the remembrance of the victory over pain.

God has victory over death and He is the one who will give us the strength to run through the pain.

Why The Biggest Loser Is My Favorite TV Show

I admit. I have loved TV my entire life. It's something that I have had a love/hate relationship with as I try to juggle productivity with sitting on the couch enjoying a TV show. Plus, being honest, there isn't a lot being produced out there that is actually worth my time.

But there is one TV show that I must credit my roommate and long time friend Ashley for introducing me to. It had been on for a few years at that point and I was a little put off by the title. Biggest Loser? That seems really demeaning to me. But she finally got me to sit down and watch it with her and it it has gone from the "Never want to see it" category to "One of my favorites."

Sidenote. There are people and situations involved with the show where I don't necessarily agree with personal lifestyles or methods. But I'm not here to talk about that. Just like I don't want people to look into my own personal life and talk trash based on their own opinions, I'm not going to do the same to anyone else.

What I love about the show is that they show us people who are faced with a challenge. This challenge can be mental, emotional, spiritual but no matter what it manifests itself in their weight. People look down on others who try to drown their problems with alcohol or drugs but nobody talks about the abuse of food as a means to try to drown out emotional and spiritual pain. But that is what is happening. And the scary part is, they are showing us people who are just like us. We all have personal pains, frustrations and hang ups that we either decide to overcome or cower in fear from.

Then what they do on the show is not just teach the contestants about what it takes to be physically healthy, but they force them to face their pains and hang ups and deal with them. The process is dramatic, messy, gross at times and confrontational. Everybody loves watching Jillian, Bob and Dolvett kicking butt.

But there is a reason why we love the finale. The transformation is amazing.

We finally get to see the amazing difference both physically and emotionally achieved by the contestants. The beauty of it, all you have to do is watch what you eat and WORK OUT. No magic! But we all know that is much easier said than done. And so we watch these people on TV and we think, "I wish I could accomplish that" because we know how hard it is!

It was actually a moment just like this where I was watching a previous season posted on Netflix, and the last four contestants were all running a marathon. Ada, a small amazing Asian woman who I looked up to through the show got on the screen and said something to the effect, "You can do this too."

This is when I go, "Yea right."

I start thinking in my head. Yes, I love to run. Yes, I would love to run a marathon. However, I can't go for a long time. I was that kid in P.E. wheezing with asthma and could barely run around the gym. I would constantly get passed by the faster kids. Even today, I can barely keep running for up for one minute. Much less the 4-6 hours it takes to complete a marathon. You had Bob Harper to help you. I got nobody and no time.

This little voice came into my head, "Really Maddie? What about me?"

It was then I realized I was in trouble.

Truth is, I got God. God is the man. He made my body. He made my heart, lungs, legs, mind. He knows me better than I know myself. He's like, the best personal trainer anyone could ask for! He than told me, "I gave you all the things you need to run a marathon. There is nothing different about you than anyone else. What is holding you back is that you are afraid of failure so you are not going to even try."

Ouch.

Then God said, "I want you to run a marathon."

Say what?

So I know you are probably thinking I'm crazy at this point, saying to the world, "God wants me to run a marathon." But it's true. Here's the thing. He's not asking me to quit anything that I have been doing. I'm still doing my job, I'm still hanging with my husband, hanging out with friends and family. I'm not doing this to say, "Hey, look how cool I am." I'm doing it to be obedient to God and through it He is showing me how much I am capable of doing.

I started out in August just running 30 seconds every five minutes. I found a great training program that increased my running time each day. After four months of training, crying, anxiety, asthma and anger, I just ran for a full hour last Friday. I went a whole five miles. I had to get in the shower quick to take care of my asthma that was flaring up. And while in the shower and cried. I never thought I could do that. I never in my life thought that I could run that long, think it was fun, struggle at the end and still make it past my goal. I never thought I could. But I did. All because I was obedient to a call and put in the work to make it there.

I have faced my fears on this journey. I've understood I've let fear reign for too long in my life. I've let laziness keep me from doing things I wanted to. I've realized I held onto things that were keeping me from bigger and better things down the road. I've been blessed on this journey to have my husband right along side me and we have faced some of my biggest fears together (like needles!) and in the process have begun to live healthier lives. 

Am I near to a marathon? Not yet. But I'm closer than I was back in September. So as my 10K comes up and the new season of the Biggest Loser starts I watch with tears as some new people start on a journey so much like my own and I have become very reflect-ful (can you tell?) about all that God has done in my life. I also find it fitting that my 10K at the end of the month is being held by none other...than the Biggest Loser.

So here I am. I'm on the flip side. I used to be that girl on the treadmill feeling stupid for trying to run a minute while the girl next to me was at minute 20. I used to think, "I could never do that." And now I'm the girl on the treadmill turning to the person next to me trying to run a minute and saying, "You can do this."

And I'm not just talking about running. 

Uncharted Territory

So yesterday and today mark the longest I have ever stuck with a workout plan EVER. As in my entire life. It is amazing to me to see the changes that have come about in myself even in as little as two weeks. I am running longer and faster. In my cross training workouts I can feel my core engaging and actually making the workout easier! It is so overwhelming to me when you actually understand the truths that you have been chanting to yourself over and over again. Things like, "I can do this" and "God has given me the body to be strong." I have heard motivating things like this said on shows like the Biggest Loser and on workout videos. I have told them to myself in workouts. But to actually experience these truths coming to life in my body is a whole new experience and it is exhilarating!

I bought a new book this weekend entitled "A Year With C. S. Lewis." It is a daily devotional for a year using snippets of C. S. Lewis' books and letters as the content. Today's first devotional just make me laugh at the brilliance of God's timing.

I know that we have all seen those TV shows where there is something that's dead and it starts moving. Then it is followed by the quintessential exclamation, "It's alive!" followed by everyone running for their lives. C. S. Lewis talks about this phenomena in his book Miracles. We all look for God. We all seek His blessing and His will for our lives. We volunteer, go to church, give to charity and participate in Bible studies. But what happens when things start to get hard or not go the way we thought it would? We start experiencing life and we run!

C. S. Lewis put it like this:

"An 'impersonal God' - well and good. A subjective God of beauty, truth and goodness, inside our own heads - better still. A formless life-force surging through us, a vast power which we can tap - best of all. But God Himself, alive, pulling at the other end of the cord, perhaps approaching at an infinite speed, the hunter, king, husband - that is quite another matter ... There comes a moment when people who have been dabbling in religion ('Man's search for God!') suddenly draw back. Supposing we really found Him? We never meant it to come to that! Worse still, supposing He had found us?"

God was never meant to just be "over there." He was never meant to just be found in nature where we hike on our vacations. He isn't just a nice idea in our heads that provides positive thoughts. He isn't just a cosmic force to ask for help from in our times of need. He is an entity. A being. And He wants a relationship with you.

Relationships take action. Relationships take risk. Just like working out, relationships can bring about pain. However, if we can experience pain and push through it, we experience hindsight on the other side. In workouts, we gain the ability to look back and see how far we have run or how much more we can lift. In life, we see the work of God in our lives! It is a perspective that we are never capable before going through the pain.

Instead of running away from life in fear we have the choice to push through the fear. God is intimidating! He has wiped out the entire human race with a flood! But He LOVES. More than anything He loves us. He want's a relationship with us. But we can't control God. If we enter into a relationship with Him we have to learn to lean in on the God who is in control and trust him. Think of God as not only our friend but our life trainer. He made life. He knows how to do it best! Trust your trainer! Trust the process!

The best part is with God we become more reliant on Him and yet stronger on our own all at the same time. We begin to see the changes. We begin to feel the core of our being becoming stronger as we go through our daily tasks. We begin to have new perspective on what is hard.

We begin to do what we thought was impossible.

If I could do anything right now I would encourage those of you who know God but don't trust Him to let Him free in your life! Let Him out of the little box you have Him in in your mind. Let Him transform your life like He has mine.

If you don't know God, I encourage you to ask around you. Ask Him into your heart and ask Him to transform your life. It will truly be the best decision you could ever make.

Let the impossible begin.