Giving Up Control

Control is a weird word. It also bring up some interesting emotional responses in people.

But, let's face it, we all like to have control over things. We like to control what we watch and when we watch it...so we invented the DVR. We like to control traffic and our commute to work so the app Waze was created. We like to control our news feed on Facebook, our news stories, our podcasts...we have phones that allow us to customize it exactly how we want it!

I'm sure it's just me. But maybe someone else might try to control other people around them sometimes...

We like to be able to predict what is going to happen around us and make sure that it comes out in our favor. It's human nature. We try to control others but don't like to be controlled by other people. But many times, when we try to gain control of our situation, we end up losing control of the situation. It's a mix-mashed bag of crazy.

We need to learn how to give up control.

I deal with having to learn to give up control on a daily basis. I'm pretty sure God had me marry a pilot just to break me of my planning habit. I like to plan YEARS in advance when it comes to events and trips. He's been on reserve for way longer than expected and I can never plan for 100% until the month before. It drives me NUTS.

Not to mention, I get to deal with Jared on a daily basis. I'm sure I get frustrated over his decisions sometimes just as much as he gets frustrated over mine. :)

Then, God gave me in interns at work. I know that I need to let them work on their own projects so that they can learn and grow, even from mistakes. Micromanaging won't help. But it's my instinct to make sure every detail is in place!

Then, God gave me the women I work with. Emergencies happen without any warning. You can't plan for emergencies in your schedule and you have to just go with the flow when the needs arise.

Then, God gave me Obama. Everything seems to be going down the drain. I shake my head as I see other people in my generation not caring about politics or the ways in which our government affects our daily lives. Yet, I can't control how people think, vote, or pay attention.

The good news is, I have plenty of opportunity to practice giving up control. What's awesome is that this last weekend in FC Kids, we learned that God is so powerful that he controls everything in the universe. He controls the stars, the blood moon we just got to witness, the things in the ocean, the storms, EVERYTHING! And yet, the one thing he gave up control on was us. He gave up the control to make us worship him. He gave us a choice. His biggest act of love for us was to give us free will. To choose to accept him as Christ or not.

Our biggest act of love sometimes is to give up control of certain situations where we try to control everyone else. My biggest act of love to Jared is to not try to control his likes, habits, schedule, etc. I can really help my interns by not micromanaging. I can't make my sparrows choose wisely...I have to love them enough to know God's going to work all things in their life for his glory. I can't control what happens in my government or what people think. In fact, I think many of our problems would be solved if people just stopped trying to control one another.

What we don't realize though, is that while we are anxious about giving up control, this is the very thing that will help release us from anxiety. When we pray and give up control over something to God, it's a peaceful, calming feeling knowing that he is going to take it over. It only gets stronger the more and more we experience God coming through for us. If we know that God is all powerful and has control over everything, why don't we trust him with it?

So as you go about your weekend today, I hope that this little bit of musing can help you trust God with whatever is going on in your life. After all...we know that we are supposed to be just...

LETTING IT GO!

Hope With No Shame

Recently, I've had to completely stop listening to some of the news podcasts I listen to. The message is the same.

"America is going to crap unless Americans wake up and do something about it."
"American's are stupid. So, therefore, we are all doomed."

And that's the basic "jist"
of hours of talk radio. So if you don't listen to talk radio, you aren't missing much.

The whole thing sounds very similar to a Psalm I just read:

Psalm 12:1-4

Deliver, Lord!
For the godly have disappeared; 
people of integrity have vanished. 
People lie to one another;
they flatter and deceive. 
May the Lord cut off all flattering lips,
and the tongue that boasts!
They say, “We speak persuasively; 
we know how to flatter and boast. 
Who is our master?”

In fact, we sound a ton like the Romans as Paul describes them in chapter 1:28-32

And just as they did not see fit to acknowledge God, God gave them over to a depraved mind, to do what should not be done. They are filled with every kind of unrighteousness, wickedness, covetousness, malice. They are rife with envy, murder, strife, deceit, hostility. They are gossips, slanderers, haters of God, insolent, arrogant, boastful, contrivers of all sorts of evil, disobedient to parents, senseless, covenant-breakers, heartless, ruthless. Although they fully know God’s righteous decree that those who practice such things deserve to die, they not only do them but also approve of those who practice them.

So then why should I have hope in the future? People that I talk to about human trafficking, abortion or any other major issue in our society don't seem to want to respond and take action against all that is going on.

Well, thankfully, Paul gives us an example of what we can do through Abraham in Romans chapter 4.

Abraham was asked to leave his home and go somewhere were he was a stranger. I identify with this because sometimes I feel like a stranger to my generation. Then God made him a promise that he was going to have a son, despite that biologically, it made no sense to him or his wife. Yet Paul says that Abraham "In hope, he believed against hope, that he should become the father of many nations, as he had been told, 'So shall your offspring be.'" We see that Abraham was "fully convinced that God was able to do what he had promised."

So the question for myself is, when I feel like a stranger in my own generation with a promise that God has given me, do I hope against all hope that when everything is stacked against me that God will provide all that is necessary for His promise to come true?

You see, I can come up with all the programs and ideas in the world and work really hard for them to work. Yet nothing is going to be able to happen if I do not have faith that God will work everything out in his timing. It's not going to be easy (just look at Abraham's life...not comfy!) but his faith was counted to him as righteousness. Not his works.

Paul continues, "More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."

Many people might think we are foolish to look at all that is happening in our world and pin all our hopes to God. He doesn't seem to be here with all of the evil that is happening in our generation. But what people don't see is all the times we have put our faith in God in our personal lives and the times he has come through for us. Every time I try to make something happen, it fails and God brings the same result around another way. EVERY TIME.

So while we live in a season of our generation where we are lost, let's continue to have the faith that God desires us to have so that we can learn to trust in him more and more. Our hope isn't in vain. It's so that God's love for us can be manifested in a way that allows us to love him more!

Giving Plants Salt

Last month I talked about keeping focus on the important vision of your dream instead of everything that is impeding it. This month, I've been having to focus hard! While some great blessings have happened at church, the biggest thing that has been my obstacle is fear.

I actually thought I had gotten past this. My first few months of marriage I dedicated myself to trying things that I was fearful of to show myself there is nothing to be afraid of...ironically including gardening. However, I am discovering that I am a person driven by fear when push comes to shove and it takes a ton of mental focus for me to overcome my instinctual paralysis. The fears vary. I don't like disappointing people. I don't like disappointing myself. I don't like failing at something I have tried. I don't like not being able to help people. But if you look at the majority of my fears, they are self centered. It's me feeling bad that I'm trying to avoid. That fear can keep me from reaching out to others who are desperately wanting to know what hope there is in world.

What I am specifically struggling with now is I feel like I am getting advice and listening to people much wiser than me tell me how to most effectively run my ministries. I want and yearn for their guidance. Yet as I desperately try to follow these guidelines I get frustrated when they don't seem to be working. I get so passionate about my ministries, that I want to see instant results!

Yet God doesn't work that way. In fact, God doesn't work in any predictable manner whatsoever.

I LOVE listening to podcasts. I remember growing up I would listen to Adventure in Odyssey all day long for years on end whenever I was in my room, changing out the tapes every thirty minutes. I'd clean my room. Work on crafts. Do homework. There was just something I loved about listening to something while I worked, especially something encouraging or informational. I've recently stumbled across a podcast on survival. It's not your typical survival podcast, like, how to survive in the middle of nowhere while camping or hiking. It's also got things on how to make your home self-sufficient. While I might try a few of the things in the future, one topic of podcast actually caught my attention as it talked about aquaphonics. It's where your fish tank system helps grow your plants. The nitrogen produced by the fish gets dissolved in the water. You then take that water and water your garden with it, providing much needed nutrients to your plants. The plants then filter the water through the ground and root system, making the water purified for your fish. I had actually studied a bit of it in school and it's an ingenious system, especially if you are farming fish. However, one important note: you can't use saltwater fish because the salt will kill your plants.

Couple that with the passage I read this morning:

The men of the city said to Elisha, “Look, the city has a good location, as our master can see. But the water is bad and the land doesn’t produce crops.” Elisha said, “Get me a new jar and put some salt in it.” So they got it. He went out to the spring and threw the salt in. Then he said, “This is what the Lord says, ‘I have purified  this water. It will no longer cause death or fail to produce crops.” The water has been pure to this very day, just as Elisha prophesied. ~ 2 Kings 2 19-22

Can you imagine if you were a farmer and you saw Elisha put salt in the water and proclaim it purified how perplexed you would be? No flashy magic-y sparkles flew out of it. No parting of the heavens with a hallelujah chorus. No indication that it wasn't just salt water. And he put it in the spring so the whole thing was contaminated! If I were a farmer, I'd be angry that he just put salt in the water that I'm supposed to try to grow my crops with!

There's no textual part that explains what happened after Elisha put salt in the water. But I can imagine he left and the farmers surrounded the spring and said to each other, "Well, it was bad water in the first place. It was worth a shot." Some might have said, "What the heck are we supposed to do with salt water?" But can you imagine that first farmer that decided to use the water on faith? Watering their fields wondering if the water would work or not, knowing they wouldn't eat if it didn't?

Sometimes in ministry it seems like we are watering our fields with salt water, wondering what the heck we are doing and thinking it will never work. But imagine the farmer's surprise when the crops started growing and growing abundantly because it was water purified by God. In ministry, we are told the harvest is plenty, but the workers are few. I wonder if this is because many don't believe that God can take whatever is salt water in our lives and use it make plants grow. Those salt water moments cause us to fear and paralyze us to tell others the Good News about Christ.

I know I have plenty of salt water moments in my life where I wonder how in the world God is going to use me for ministry. But if I let my fear hold me back, I will never get to see God work in the lives of those around me. I have no control in what happens in my ministry except my obedience to the authority of God and those he has placed over me. So, until I see my crops grow, that's what I'm going with. I'll get back to you when I start seeing buds!

Back from the Silent...something...trying to sound cool...

Hello everyone! It's been a while since I've posted. I've been busy getting things for work done, attending different events for Redeemed, decorating for Christmas, spending time with family, etc. Then #iceapocalypse hit Dallas Thursday and it has forced me to slooooowwwww dooooowwwwwnn. Hence, now I have plenty of time to blog!

My favorite picture from our adventure out yesterday.

Jared and I are getting a little stir crazy in our 720 sq ft apartment (and that includes our deck and laundry room/outdoor storage area). We have made Christmas presents, cooked. I attempted to paint my nails and they didn't turn out as bad as usual. We have done laundry, cleaned, discovered Undercover Boss on Netflix and probably spent more time on Facebook and Pinterest than ever before! Problem is, we are running out of things to do!

Jared and I took a walk yesterday and slid around for a bit. Jared attempted to go to work this morning but there were tons of people stranded at the little gas station next to our apartment and police officers were advising everyone to stay home. I have to say, it's not the fact that I have spent three days at home that's really bugging me. It's the fact that I have no other option but to stay home. I don't like it when I can't go out and do things I want on my unexpected time off and that's what is really wearing down on me.

I think about what I would be doing right now if I hadn't been iced in. First, I would have worked a ton more. We would have done a big outreach at the Children's parade, a fun party for foster kids, I would have friends over right now and we would be eating a big pasta dinner in preparation for our marathon relay tomorrow. It may seem overdramatic, but it's almost like I'm grieving over it. These fun things to do with people I love no longer are happening and I'm pretty sad.

I've prayed a ton over the last few days. I've asked God what the deal is and where he is going with this. After all, with the marathon relay, I felt that was something he asked me to do. I am sad we didn't get to invite the people at the Children's parade to church. I'm sad for the kids that were supposed to come to our church this weekend.

But Jared and I in all of our Netflix-ing watched the Polar Express last night. My favorite part of this movie is when the kid had seen the effects of Santa Claus. With the Polar Express and elves (which honestly are a little creepy in that movie) and a giant mound of presents and the reindeer, he still had to choose to believe even if he couldn't see Santa. He had to act on faith. The conductor even said, "Seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can't see."

God obviously doesn't come down in visual form of his glory and power. We would all wig out! But we see the effect of God. We see the changed lives, the peace, the miracles. We feel the effects of God in our emotions and our lives when we do life the way he designed it. It never seems to make sense, like reindeer flying with a sled full of presents for the entire world, but somehow it always works out.

So I'll continue to keep myself busy until we finally see the ice melt. I'm so not looking forward to my workout on the dreadmill tomorrow. Jared's vacuuming right now, and he HARDLY EVER VACUUMS. And even after the ice melts and we go on with our lives, I will continually act on faith, even when the doubt creeps in. God doesn't necessarily make sense, but I believe he knows what he's doing!

Moses and Me

So I have had several awesome things happen over the last couple of days that I really wanted to share with you all! I mentioned in my last post that I was dealing with a ton of doubt. Doubt about myself, Redeemed, church, EVERYTHING it seemed. I was in a funk and having a hard time shaking it.

Well, I've had some great conversations with people. God's been connecting a ton of dots. It would take a long time to explain everything that has happened but God is opening small doors and providing hopeful avenues even when it seems there is no way.

The last few days I've been focusing on waiting and prayer. These are probably some of the hardest things for me to do! I'm a goal oriented, step by step process kind of girl! To not work and just wait for God and to talk to what I sometimes feel is thin air are two things that do not come to mind with someone like me who feels she needs to be doing something in order to feel like she's going somewhere. But, I've been learning a ton about prayer and hoping to get closet to God and on the same page. Not only am I asking him to change me into a person where I can listen better and trust better, but I'm praying that he make the paths for Redeemed straight and the barriers to be removed.

But it's been SLOW!

At the women's conference Monday where Redeemed was blessed with a table, I was able to sit in on the sessions. There, the speaker talked about waiting and she quoted 2 Peter 3:9

"The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance."

I was like, "Ok, God. I feel like I am easy to lose hope in you. I easily try to do things myself because I don't feel you working. Help me in my unbelief. Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I have doubt."

Today rolls around and I went for my run this morning. I listened to Breakaway Ministries where Ben Stewart talked about Moses and talking to the Pharaoh about letting the Israelites free. I realized that God had the power to defeat the Egyptians in one fell swoop. He could have done more supernatural plagues. Why would he tell Pharaoh that the judgement was coming? Why did he remove the plagues when Pharaoh asked? Why didn't he just skip to number 10 if that was what was going to set his people free?

I realized that God uses this pattern with the Israelites too in the prophets of the Bible. He constantly declared judgement and then deferred it when the people turned back to him. It wasn't until they had utterly renounced God that he gave them over to the Babylonians. If you look at God then, he was trying to be merciful to his people. He was trying to get them to repent of their ways and extend them grace. But notice that he never gave up on them. He rescued them from their bondage again and ultimately sent Jesus to save them forever.

If you look at the Pharaoh in that light, I believe that God was also attempting to show mercy to the Egyptians. Ben Stewart talked about how he knew that the "goings on" in Egypt were spread to the entire countryside and he wanted to make his name known. Not in an egotistical way, but because he knew he was what they needed.

God dragged out the process, which I know what frustrating for Moses and the Israelites. But the Bible says that a multitude went with the Israelites out of Egypt and I'm 90% certain that many Egyptians believed in God due to the plagues and went with the Israelites out of Egypt. God's name went out so far that even a prostitute named Rahab had heard of the God of the Israelites before they even arrived at the city walls. God's name went out so far, that centuries later, many who aren't even Christian know this story and can watch it in cartoon form in the "Prince of Egypt."

As I look at this and try to free people in my own culture, some obvious parallels occur. I feel like God is giving me the worst pep talk of the century. He's like, "I've put it on your heart to free these people, but you are going to encounter all these issues along the way." I'm starting to imagine what Moses felt like when God said, "Go tell Pharaoh to let my people go, but I'm going to harden his heart."

However, I believe that if God wanted to, he could free all the men, women and children being trafficked in the world this very instant. He has the power to do that. However, just like he has done for centuries, God likes to use people. It's his favorite medium to work with. God begins with relationships and even though I feel like he's dragging out the process and time is of the essence so no one has to be trafficked ever again, I believe God has a purpose. I believe he has a plan. I believe his name is going to be glorified because of the abolition of trafficking and I pray, that many see this work and accept his graceful love.

Am I frustrated? Yes. Am I patient? Not really. But do I trust?

Absolutely. Because he is faithful, even in my doubt.

When Doubt Creeps In

It's been a rough couple of weeks.

Nothing drastically bad has happened. I just have had small things happen over the last few weeks. But we all know that these small things can build up and become big monsters in no time.

First small things that have happened have been with Redeemed. In this case it's things not happening. Churches backing out on us coming to talk to them, people flaking out on things they committed to, etc. I was really excited about some of these things happening and the fact that they didn't' work out really bummed me out.

Second thing that has been happening is kinda good. Jared and I started going through Financial Peace together. We are not in financial crisis by any standard. However, we have learned a whole bunch. Yet, when we talk about things that need to get paid for or things that we want to do and we can't afford them, it's another small let down. Can I survive without participating in the Turkey Trot this year? Sure I can. Can we survive without eating out? Absolutely. And we probably will be better off without it. But when it seems all my husband worries about when we go out is the bottom line of "how much is this going to cost us," it really makes time together a bummer. We've since discussed this and make an agreement on how to change it (which is why I'm ok with telling whoever reads this about this conflict in my marriage). What's bumming me out though is that Jared and I have had several talks recently. Really deep ones. We've talked out so many things recently and I think we have reached a new level of understanding each other. I just sometimes feel like I am a bad wife.

This leads into the third thing that happened. Jared turned 25! I was so pumped for him. He was getting new shirts, boots for work, tons of birthday cards and tons of money (yay!) that I hoped made him feel special. However, I wasn't able to really do anything this year. This is a big deal for me because I usually am scheming a month out on surprises and fun things to do. But this year, I didn't want to spend that much money and I didn't have the time to devote to it like I have in the past. Add in Jared had to work on his birthday and all I could really do was tell him happy birthday and smile, and hopefully go to a restaurant he liked (which didn't happen either). To see the disappointment on his face made me feel like the worst person ever.

As a personality that bases most of my value on results, I feel pretty let down. I have many doubts right now that have been playing in the back of my head. I'm a terrible wife. I am not qualified enough to lead an anti-human trafficking organization. I'm not a good friend to those I love. I'm terrible with money. All my insecurities have come creeping up and causing me to doubt everything.

So the question is, what do I do with the doubt? What do I do with the insecurity and the heartache and the anxiety? As passionate as a person I am, my highs are really high yet my lows can be all-consuming.

So today, I broke out my first love, music. I pulled out the guitar my parents lovingly bought me for Christmas a few years ago and I found myself having my own mini-worship time. It's been forever since I played and I was surprised at how much my fingers remembered where to go and how steady I was able to keep my strumming. I love my guitar and the tone matches my voice amazingly. After revisiting some of my old favorites I used to play when I led worship, I decided to teach myself a new song. The first song that came to mind was "Oceans" by Hillsong.

The first time I heard this song, I was at church alone. Jared was out at work and we had just had a disagreement. It's crazy how you can be in a crowd of people and feel so isolated. I felt so alone. When they played this song I cried my eyes out. The words in the bridge just pierced my heart.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

I have asked God to use me and call me to places that people have never been to yet. I've asked for him to teach me how to love him more and rely on him for everything. As I was teaching myself how to play this song today I realized I'm in that place right now. I'm stretching and growing. God is the only one who is going to take my ministry, my marriage and my relationships and make them into the beauty God designed them to be.

As a results oriented person, I realized that what I have to do is just rest in God. Do my part and then rest it in his hands. And when doubt creeps in, all I can do is sing this chorus to him.

"I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine"

I find that so comforting to know that if everything goes south, if everything crumbles, if everything just falls apart, God still loves me, still has a plan for me. I'm not just a pawn that is thrown out when I'm used, I'm cherished and I am loved. God loves me just the same has he loves everyone. He loves me the same way he loves everyone all the way back to Adam and Eve.

So I don't know what else to say but I hope that in my vulnerability, in my openness and at my low points, God can speak to you and let you know that the same goes for you. When doubt creeps in and you have those questions, know that you are loved no matter the outcome.



Hillsong United - Oceans (Live) from Hillsong Church on Vimeo.

Tangled Dreams

So in anticipation of our Disney run coming up (wohoo WDW Marathon!) Jared and I have been getting into the mood by watching some of our favorite Disney movies...including some ones that we are a little bit behind on, and hadn't watched yet.

One of those was Tangled. Let me say, it's my new favorite!

First off, this girl has as many hobbies as I do!

She reads more than I do!

Her mom lets her paint on the wall too!

She knits! Needless to say, I never had a chameleon sitting in my knitting...

So within 10 minutes of the movie, I'm already in love with this girl. I've been described by others as ...mmmmmm.... passionate. I have so many emotions. When they come up though, they are super extreme.

First thrill of leaving the tower!

Then, she starts feeling guilty about lying.

But then she's elated and running around! I love Flynn's expression in this picture!

Then she is at a low point again, feeling like the worst daughter ever.

Next moment she's swinging from the tree singing, "BEST DAY EVER!!!!"

Then she's face down feeling like a despicable human being...

I feel like this explains Jared and I's relationship pretty well. I go all extreme, and he just bears with me! Talk about true love!

But despite the love story, the happily ever after, the witty points of the creators in the movie, the dramatic death with the extra-dramatic bringing back to life moment... I feel there is one moment in this movie where it is the most tender, the most simple and the most profound.

Right before she is about to see the lanterns, Rapunzel is worried. When Flynn asks what's wrong, she says she's terrified. What if her dream isn't everything she hoped for? Or worse...what if it is? What then?

As a dreamer, I've often had this moment. I've been dreaming about running the Disney marathon. I often have the fear that I go through all this training, put in the hours and the miles (and my mom's money since it's my birthday, Christmas, and birthday gift all combined) and it's not everything I dreamed of. What if something goes wrong? What if I get injured or sick and can't race? What if I can't finish?

I had this line of thinking with my wedding day. After the waiting and the planning and the anticipation, what if it wasn't everything I dreamed of? I've had this moment in ministry. Planning events and hoping for people to come. What if they don't? What happens if nobody comes or cares?

Flynn tells Rapunzel that this moment with them in the boat watching the lanterns will be everything that she dreams of. And I think this is important. If we focus on the negative points, we will never enjoy the moment that we have been waiting for. We will never be free to just enjoy it. Then, he says something very profound. Once you've lived your dream, you get to go find a new one!

Marathoners often experience Post-Marathon-Syndrome. They've worked so hard towards this marathon that in the aftermath, they start looking around and go, "Ok. Did that. What now?" Newlyweds often have Post-Wedding-Syndrome, where now that the hype of the wedding is over, they look at each other and go, "Now what?" New moms can have Post-Baby-Depression (there's a clinical term for that which I'm blanking on right now) where they have anticipated this baby and now that it's here, they go, "What do I do with this thing???"

But here's the deal. If our dreams and desires are in line with God's heart and His plan, our moments where dreams are realized are going to be way more amazing than we could have ever dreamed. Earlier I wrote a blog about the garage sale I did for my kids. All that work and stress and God blessed it three times over what I was hoping and dreaming for. Then, God gave me new dreams and gave me the directions on where to take them. This past week has been one that I have been really doubting the dreams. I've been doubting if they would come true at all. If they did, would they will be everything I hoped for?

But the truth is, I've seen God work in my life. I've seen him bring dream after dream to life and he has never failed to give me a dream that he wouldn't work out in it's due time.

So today I want to encourage you, never stop dreaming! Ask God to give you dreams and desires that fall into his heart. Give up ok, self made dreams for great, God given ones. Don't give up hope on your God given dreams, and when doubt comes, trust in Him to bring you through.

And then when it happens, we will all look like this, entering the Kingdom of God!

At this point in the movie, Jared looks over and says, "You didn't tell me they filmed you going into Disney World!!"

Have a great rest of your day!! Love you all!