Giving Up Control

Control is a weird word. It also bring up some interesting emotional responses in people.

But, let's face it, we all like to have control over things. We like to control what we watch and when we watch it...so we invented the DVR. We like to control traffic and our commute to work so the app Waze was created. We like to control our news feed on Facebook, our news stories, our podcasts...we have phones that allow us to customize it exactly how we want it!

I'm sure it's just me. But maybe someone else might try to control other people around them sometimes...

We like to be able to predict what is going to happen around us and make sure that it comes out in our favor. It's human nature. We try to control others but don't like to be controlled by other people. But many times, when we try to gain control of our situation, we end up losing control of the situation. It's a mix-mashed bag of crazy.

We need to learn how to give up control.

I deal with having to learn to give up control on a daily basis. I'm pretty sure God had me marry a pilot just to break me of my planning habit. I like to plan YEARS in advance when it comes to events and trips. He's been on reserve for way longer than expected and I can never plan for 100% until the month before. It drives me NUTS.

Not to mention, I get to deal with Jared on a daily basis. I'm sure I get frustrated over his decisions sometimes just as much as he gets frustrated over mine. :)

Then, God gave me in interns at work. I know that I need to let them work on their own projects so that they can learn and grow, even from mistakes. Micromanaging won't help. But it's my instinct to make sure every detail is in place!

Then, God gave me the women I work with. Emergencies happen without any warning. You can't plan for emergencies in your schedule and you have to just go with the flow when the needs arise.

Then, God gave me Obama. Everything seems to be going down the drain. I shake my head as I see other people in my generation not caring about politics or the ways in which our government affects our daily lives. Yet, I can't control how people think, vote, or pay attention.

The good news is, I have plenty of opportunity to practice giving up control. What's awesome is that this last weekend in FC Kids, we learned that God is so powerful that he controls everything in the universe. He controls the stars, the blood moon we just got to witness, the things in the ocean, the storms, EVERYTHING! And yet, the one thing he gave up control on was us. He gave up the control to make us worship him. He gave us a choice. His biggest act of love for us was to give us free will. To choose to accept him as Christ or not.

Our biggest act of love sometimes is to give up control of certain situations where we try to control everyone else. My biggest act of love to Jared is to not try to control his likes, habits, schedule, etc. I can really help my interns by not micromanaging. I can't make my sparrows choose wisely...I have to love them enough to know God's going to work all things in their life for his glory. I can't control what happens in my government or what people think. In fact, I think many of our problems would be solved if people just stopped trying to control one another.

What we don't realize though, is that while we are anxious about giving up control, this is the very thing that will help release us from anxiety. When we pray and give up control over something to God, it's a peaceful, calming feeling knowing that he is going to take it over. It only gets stronger the more and more we experience God coming through for us. If we know that God is all powerful and has control over everything, why don't we trust him with it?

So as you go about your weekend today, I hope that this little bit of musing can help you trust God with whatever is going on in your life. After all...we know that we are supposed to be just...

LETTING IT GO!

Listen Already

My little brother graduated college last month. That statement in itself makes me feel older than I actually am. 😳

However, this is not a post to talk about yelling at kids on my lawn. This is about something that has been on my heart for a couple of weeks. Now that it's marinated, I figured it time to pop it on the grill and share. 

At the graduation ceremony, the president of the school addressed the crowd and said if he had one thing to advise to the graduates, it would be to learn how to listen. It caused me to tilt my head to one side and go, "hmmm." 

He talked about our polarizing culture. Between ISIS, the upcoming presidential campaigns, Caitlyn Jenner and open carry legislation, you can be barraged by a number of opinions on all these things just by opening Facebook or turning on the news. With the dawn of social media, everyone get to have their say. Isn't that special?

Issue is, I learned in Elementary school that when everyone is special, no one is. We see this phenomena in social media constantly. While we post our opinions on blogs and Instagram, we can't wait to see how many likes or website visits we get. Then when we are underwhelmed by the response, we look to other blogs who say if you really want to be followed, you have to post more frequently, post about more controversial things, give your opinions more. More, more, more. It's the social media equivalent of shouting to be heard in a virtual world that is already on par with the decible of a jet engine. 

The more we post coupled with the less people respond, we become defensive and battle lines are drawn. We post comments on other people's posts with differing opinions, hoping others will back us up. Or, we just filter out differing opinions so that we can have a feel good pow wow in our minds, Anyone who gets more hearts or a differing opinion is instantly an enemy because they are taking all the likes. We pick fights just to win and make ourselves feel better. 

But ultimately, this behavior isn't driven by the desire to be heard, but actually by the desire to control people. Take an example from a heated argument Jared and I had when we first got married. He didn't do something that I wanted him to do. I had asked him to do it before because, after all, our marriage depended on him showing me love, right? When I asked him why he didn't do it if he knew that I had asked him to, he didn't have an answer. As the conversation went on, I just talked, and talked, and my voice got louder and louder until I was yelling at him and threw a pillow for good measure in order to communicate my anger. But what was driving me wasn't my desire for him to love me or understand me. It was my desire to control him and his actions. 

When we engage in social interactions either in person or virtually, many times we are just trying to control what other people think. We want to be a movie star so we can influence people. We want to inflict what we think on others by implementing political policies we like. We want to win the argument on social media so we can win over more followers who will wait with bated breath for our words on what to do or say. We want to curb the actions and attitudes that we don't agree with so we don't have to deal with them. 

This is the source of our polarizing culture: control. Everyone wants to control everyone else. Problem is, I can't even control Jared, much less a community of people. Our argument in our marriage wasn't settled until I actually shut up for a second and allowed Jared to talk without me planning my next retort in my head. Our society's arguments won't be settled until we do the same. 

I can't control what other people do, but I can decide how I am going to respond. Letting someone make a different decision after I have communicated my opinion is the most vulnerable I have ever felt. As I think about it, I feel like it's how God feels whenever we decide not to listen to him. However, He gives us true liberty to have free will and not be controlled by Him. I feel like in our culture, we will not have true liberty either until we decide to give up control. We need to shut our mouths and actually listen to people for what they are actually saying. We need to be ok with them not agreeing with us. And we need to give people the freedom to make their own decision. It can definitely be scary when everyone seems to be making a different decision than you. But I think we would be surprised by the impact we can ACTUALLY have once we finally decide to just listen.

Giving Plants Salt

Last month I talked about keeping focus on the important vision of your dream instead of everything that is impeding it. This month, I've been having to focus hard! While some great blessings have happened at church, the biggest thing that has been my obstacle is fear.

I actually thought I had gotten past this. My first few months of marriage I dedicated myself to trying things that I was fearful of to show myself there is nothing to be afraid of...ironically including gardening. However, I am discovering that I am a person driven by fear when push comes to shove and it takes a ton of mental focus for me to overcome my instinctual paralysis. The fears vary. I don't like disappointing people. I don't like disappointing myself. I don't like failing at something I have tried. I don't like not being able to help people. But if you look at the majority of my fears, they are self centered. It's me feeling bad that I'm trying to avoid. That fear can keep me from reaching out to others who are desperately wanting to know what hope there is in world.

What I am specifically struggling with now is I feel like I am getting advice and listening to people much wiser than me tell me how to most effectively run my ministries. I want and yearn for their guidance. Yet as I desperately try to follow these guidelines I get frustrated when they don't seem to be working. I get so passionate about my ministries, that I want to see instant results!

Yet God doesn't work that way. In fact, God doesn't work in any predictable manner whatsoever.

I LOVE listening to podcasts. I remember growing up I would listen to Adventure in Odyssey all day long for years on end whenever I was in my room, changing out the tapes every thirty minutes. I'd clean my room. Work on crafts. Do homework. There was just something I loved about listening to something while I worked, especially something encouraging or informational. I've recently stumbled across a podcast on survival. It's not your typical survival podcast, like, how to survive in the middle of nowhere while camping or hiking. It's also got things on how to make your home self-sufficient. While I might try a few of the things in the future, one topic of podcast actually caught my attention as it talked about aquaphonics. It's where your fish tank system helps grow your plants. The nitrogen produced by the fish gets dissolved in the water. You then take that water and water your garden with it, providing much needed nutrients to your plants. The plants then filter the water through the ground and root system, making the water purified for your fish. I had actually studied a bit of it in school and it's an ingenious system, especially if you are farming fish. However, one important note: you can't use saltwater fish because the salt will kill your plants.

Couple that with the passage I read this morning:

The men of the city said to Elisha, “Look, the city has a good location, as our master can see. But the water is bad and the land doesn’t produce crops.” Elisha said, “Get me a new jar and put some salt in it.” So they got it. He went out to the spring and threw the salt in. Then he said, “This is what the Lord says, ‘I have purified  this water. It will no longer cause death or fail to produce crops.” The water has been pure to this very day, just as Elisha prophesied. ~ 2 Kings 2 19-22

Can you imagine if you were a farmer and you saw Elisha put salt in the water and proclaim it purified how perplexed you would be? No flashy magic-y sparkles flew out of it. No parting of the heavens with a hallelujah chorus. No indication that it wasn't just salt water. And he put it in the spring so the whole thing was contaminated! If I were a farmer, I'd be angry that he just put salt in the water that I'm supposed to try to grow my crops with!

There's no textual part that explains what happened after Elisha put salt in the water. But I can imagine he left and the farmers surrounded the spring and said to each other, "Well, it was bad water in the first place. It was worth a shot." Some might have said, "What the heck are we supposed to do with salt water?" But can you imagine that first farmer that decided to use the water on faith? Watering their fields wondering if the water would work or not, knowing they wouldn't eat if it didn't?

Sometimes in ministry it seems like we are watering our fields with salt water, wondering what the heck we are doing and thinking it will never work. But imagine the farmer's surprise when the crops started growing and growing abundantly because it was water purified by God. In ministry, we are told the harvest is plenty, but the workers are few. I wonder if this is because many don't believe that God can take whatever is salt water in our lives and use it make plants grow. Those salt water moments cause us to fear and paralyze us to tell others the Good News about Christ.

I know I have plenty of salt water moments in my life where I wonder how in the world God is going to use me for ministry. But if I let my fear hold me back, I will never get to see God work in the lives of those around me. I have no control in what happens in my ministry except my obedience to the authority of God and those he has placed over me. So, until I see my crops grow, that's what I'm going with. I'll get back to you when I start seeing buds!

Personal, Controversial Jesus Conversation About My Control Issues.

Me and Duchess being goofy together!

I feel like there is a pattern coming around. I feel like starting every blog with:

"WEEEEEEEEEEELL, I've been busy working...."

And it's true. I haven't just been working. I've spent time with my amazing husband, hanging out with Redeemed people...and working. But it's been a decent balance recently of work and rest. I've slowly been unpacking the apartment, have successfully found the post office box (seriously, it was a three day adventure) and I know where the nearest Starbucks is. Win!

I've been feeling in a slump in my running. It's been hot. It's been hard to go and find good running spots too because I've been by myself and don't know where to go that is safe yet. So I've made good use of my treadmill, but my spirit (and my dog) miss being out in nature on a long run through pretty trees. I can't wait for fall.

I also feel a bit at a slump in life. It doesn't help I've been in transition as well. I don't really have a "schedule" yet (whatever that means for someone in ministry who schedules their life around when their husband is home). It's a constant evaluation for me every day to know what my day looks like.

One thing that doesn't change for me is the fact that I have Jesus in my life, particularly in the mornings. I love having my oatmeal in my favorite chair with my coffee and my blanket. Sometimes, Duchess likes to squeeze in with me and we have morning time together. I've been pondering what to read in my Bible next. I've read all of it now a couple times. So as I pondered and prayed this morning, something struck me that I wanted to share.

I've been listening to C. S. Lewis on tape. Specifically, Mere Christianity. I got to a point where he talks about people's perception of Jesus. I recently had a conversation with a teenager at church where he was struggling with the idea of Jesus being the Son of God. I think many people struggle with that. They like the idea of him being a good teacher because then they can pick and choose what makes them feel better and leave out the parts they don't like or that challenge their way of living. Jesus didn't leave room for people to accept him as just a good teacher. What he said was extremely counter-cultural. It upset the people in power. In John chapter 14, He said, "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." So you either have to accept that he is who he says he is, or he's a lunatic. I don't know about you, but if someone came up to me and said he was the Son of God, I'd be weirded-out.

Brant Hansen said it this way recently; what if Jesus was a short, Iranian man who talked about things that were extremely counter-cultural (like...don't use Facebook or dress modest!) and only answered your questions with vague stories that left you asking more questions than you had in the first place? What if his entire family (except him of course) were criminals? Would you believe he was the Son of God? Would he look or seem like someone who you would give your life for, based on faith that this counter cultural man says that he loves you?

Then I thought about this as I ate my oatmeal this morning. What if I had lunch with Jesus? What if we got some Gluten Free stuff at P. F. Changs today and got to sit at the table together, face to face. What would I want to ask?

My gut response was, "How do I get people to care?" It's been something that has bothered me for a while now. I don't know how people see things that go on around them and not help. Why do people say they love Jesus, and then don't help the people who need to see his love the most? It's hard for me to realize other people haven't had the same experience as me when it comes to realizing Jesus loves them and wants us to love others the same. They are in a different part of the journey and that's ok.

But as I went through my day today, I pondered a ton more on why I would ask that question. Long story short, I think I would ask that question because I struggle with grace.

I have grown up thinking if I do A, B and C then God will reward me with D. If I tithe, read my Bible, go to church, help those that he places in my life, then he will help me through the rough times and make the big things happen perfectly. I realized in college this doesn't stand up to anything God has in mind for my life. But I still struggle with the idea that if something isn't going the way I think it should, maybe I'm not doing something right. Maybe my relationship with God is off or I'm not in His will. This is of course, ludicrous. God never says that it will work like that but I struggle with my perception of Christianity looking like karma. If I do good things, good thing will happen to me.

Right now, things aren't going like I want. Jared is home a whopping 11 days next month. He won't get to run my half marathon with me. We won't get to watch any Aggie games together. I struggle with the fact that he's not flying. The picture that others painted for us of what life for us would look like in his job schedule is nothing like our reality. I'm struggling with the future of my job with our new campus opening up. I don't know what I'm going to be asked (or worse...not asked) to do! I'm struggling with Redeemed as I tell people about what happens in their city and they don't step up to help in the cause.

But, if you notice, what I'm struggling with are things that are completely out of my control! I have no way to influence how Jared's job goes. I have no influence on what our new campus will look like. I have no influence on who comes and goes with Redeemed. There is literally nothing I can do to change the outcome to what I want it to look like. Everything is in God's hands. Meanwhile, I sit here by myself and look into a very foggy future. I don't know what my next week will look like, much less the next month. That's a hard thing for a major planner like me.

So, I'm sitting here crying. However, also thankful that even though I don't have control of every situation going on in my life, I know who does. He's already shown me in the past he has everything taken care of even if I don't realize it at first. I can look at that and place my faith on what he's already done.

Thankfully, I can also look at the world around me that he created and I know that he is creating something in my life just as beautiful. He's creating something just as wondrous as the trees I run under, just as magnificent as my big Texas sunsets that I see planes flying through and just as magical as the bright starry skies with the moon lighting up the night. I've given my life to him and love him with all my heart.

If I were to sit across the table from Jesus, I would ask something different than my original question now that I have thought about it. I would ask, "Can you just reassure me that you love me, and give me the power to trust you more?" I hope, and would like to think, that he wouldn't give me some vague story or leave me with an answer that causes me to go, "Wha...????"

He would look at me, smile, and simply say "Always."