Benchmarks

It has been HOT this summer.

I'm sure you are thinking, "Thanks Captain Obvious. This is Texas."

Well, it's a statement I feel I need to make sure is on the page so that we all have the same starting place!

Because it has been so hot, running has been such a beat down. I feel like all I do is  run slow and drown in my sweat. Especially when I have track days with the training group. The track gets so hot some of the tar literally melts and attaches itself to the bottom of my shoes. Instead of feeling fast, I feel like I'm dragging a bunch of 20 pound dumbbells behind me.

Each of us in our training has splits we are supposed to try to hit while doing our track run. I've been hitting mine even though the heat has been oppressive. So one day when I wasn't going to be able to join my training group and had to do my track session on the treadmill at home, I had to do some math to figure out what settings I was supposed to use on the treadmill to achieve the same speed I do on the track.

I had to redo my math three times because I thought I kept getting it wrong.

I used to run my speed workout according to my McMillin calculator splits it gave me back in February. That translated to my treadmill by running my interval pace at a 6.0 MPH on the treadmill. Now, my math was telling me I can now do my treadmill pace at a 6.5 MPH.

So while I did my math three times using three different methods to get there, I finally concluded that it would be the correct speed. And sure enough, I was able to do it. The last interval was painful, but that's the same as every track workout!

A similar thing happened in my personal life. I've always felt I wasn't good at remembering Bible verses to help other people when they needed them. I've really dedicated myself this year to reading out of my physical Bible and not my electronic one so that I can highlight and comment to myself in the margins. I was hoping that by doing this, I would remember where in the Bible certain stories and verses that meant a ton to me were located. Sure enough, a situation at work called for me to share some encouraging verses to a woman who needed them. Without hesitation, I was able to recall several verses that ended up helping her calm down. I did a little, "hmmm" to myself afterwards. It was the first time I had been able to do that instantaneously.

What's the point to all this? Oftentimes in our Christian walk, we feel like we aren't making any progress. We keep dealing with the same emotions, the same habits, the same struggles and don't feel like we are getting anywhere. However, it's important for us to have "benchmarks" in our lives to see how we have progressed. We need to have an "old self" to compare to in order to see how God is working in our lives.

So as you go throughout your week or month, take stock of things that you do. Whether you are running faster, lifting stronger, being more intentional with relationships or your walk with God, see what you are doing better or what needs improvement. While we have faith that God will change us, it's nice to be able to see measurable progress. It allows us to be able to go back and say, "Wow God!" and ultimately, give him the glory he deserves!

I Don't Trust Very Well

It's an ongoing theme here in my brain...I am not one to trust people. My poor husband, bless his heart, went through the toughest "interrogation" period before we started dating before I trusted him enough to go out on a date with him.

I have a hard time trusting the people closest to me too. I read into things that people do (or don't do) and take things very personally. I'm an ideal-est having to adjust to a realistic world.

While we can have a whole discussion on my issues with that adjustment, I want to talk about how that personality trait affects my relationship with God. Maybe some of you can relate.

When I have big decisions to make or am going through a rough time, it's easy for me to turn to God and not trust him to come through for me. In the past, I have frequently pointed to all the bad things in my life and told God he was responsible for those and I didn't trust for him to not do it again. Or, if I am supposed to be waiting for God to answer a question I have or give me guidance on a situation, I frequently want the answer on my timing. I don't want to be patient for God because doesn't he see the deadline I have or the looming disaster that could happen if I don't know in time?

Then, because I don't trust him I get angry. I start yelling at him in my brain and accusing him of being late or absent or not caring about what's going on in my life. I think about things to do to disobey him just to show that I don't approve of how he runs things. But then, after I have cried into my pillow a bit I realize that he's such a patient Daddy, that he lets me have my temper tantrum like a five year old. Then he calmly says, I'm still here. I still love you and I'm not going anywhere. He reminds me that even if I can't see it, he's preparing me for something bigger than what I am even thinking. And then he asks the question:

Do you trust me?

It's these pivotal moments that seem so inconsequential. Step by step he leads us to where he wants us. Every time we get tired or angry that we haven't arrived yet he lets us express our emotions, calms us down and continues to ask us if we trust him. Before we know it, if we keep saying yes, we begin to see all the crazy things he has for us! I have the benefit to seeing my journey through college and see all the points where I said yes when I could have told him no and walked away. I am glad to say, I'm joyful I said yes every time. And the best part is, I know this is only the beginning.

I just want to encourage anyone that's reading this, that you may be going through a similar patch of life. You might be walking down this trail and wondering where the trail is even going. I just want to encourage you to say that if you faithfully keep telling God you trust him, you will not believe the incredible things you can do. The best part is, even if we lose faith, God never loses faith in us.

Goodbye 2014

Hello all my fellow readers!

So today is the day in the blogging world where we go back and reminisce on all that has happened in the last year. I will not be a trail blazer on this one. In fact, I talk about what has happened this year just like everyone else.

Last time I wrote, I was in what I like to call "survival mode." In a time where I was learning new things and adjusting to my new position at our church, I basically had no time and no will to blog. I kinda wanted to...but had no energy and frankly, nothing to say. Last time I talked about watering with salt water and how it may not make sense to us, but ultimately, God is the one who brings the harvest. Usually, he brings it around in a way that makes no sense to us as well.

Well, currently, I haven't seen a ton of harvesting yet. In a time where I talked about focusing on the most important things was getting hard, I lost focus a ton, at least in my opinion. I've allowed to-do lists and deadlines to come before people in many cases and it's not ok. I had a great quiet time a few days ago when I got some rest and realized that I have become quick to judge and quick to frustrate instead of extending grace where I could.  I have always known intellectually that grace and forgiveness costs more to the person giving it instead of the one receiving it. But only now am I truly experiencing it in my heart for the first time. Every time I extend grace I have to let go of the side of me that wants justice. Which, if you know me, justice is the thing I strive for A TON. I have a black and white view of the world and grace messes with that.

But, thankfully, my heart is learning just as much as my brain is. Yesterday, I had a meeting with two very special friends and right when I try to leave work to go meet them, two different men came up to the church asking for help. One was lost and needed directions. The other was looking for money to buy cough syrup for his family who had the flu. Working in downtown Dallas, you get use to the con-artists that come asking for money. But in light of the conversations I've had with God, I knew that this was Him asking me if I was going to blow these men off and not help because I had a meeting to go to, or if I would going to take the time to help and be late to my meeting. Judgemental side of me would have said, "If you weren't prepared, you deserve the consequences and your emergency shouldn't make me late to what I have to do. I'm...after all...a church worker and I have important things to attend to!" But, thankfully, I stopped and realized the situation and took the time to help.

Now I don't say all this as a virtual pat on the back to say "Great job me!" I tell these stories because, in review of 2014, I've had a great year. I ran my first marathon...the culmination of me overcoming a ton of mental and physical struggles I had in 2013. After my marathon, I learned how to deal with my depression that comes as a result of my PTSD. I got the opportunity to work part time at one of the greatest churches in one of the greatest departments. I ran coast to coast with my family in what have become some of my fondest memories. Jared and I were blessed with a house. It's been a phenomenal year. But yet, here at the end, I find myself yearning for more.

I got to have a great conversation with my mother-in-law who is also in ministry and she said something great about New Years Resolutions. Instead of making them about varying bars of success, make them about love. I've been all about varying bars of success recently (aka...how many things on my to do list can I knock off!), but this year I think God is calling me to make it even more about showing love to others. So looking forward, I am hoping to have more encounters like yesterday, with people who need help, and less about my crazy long to do lists. People are what God cares about the most. So I'm going to try to align my heart with his even more.

Happy 2015 everyone. I hope God blesses you and your family beyond your wildest imagination!

New Directions

Gorgeous sunshine at the park!

Hi everyone! Last post I was pretty down. Struggling with post marathon blues and the eternal winter going on. But recently, the sun has come out! The air is warmer and as I've been getting my usual doses of Vitamin D now, my mood has warmed up considerably as well! There is nothing like the hope of spring and great weather to lift anyone's spirits!

What has also helped, is that I am also realizing where and what I am supposed to be doing next. The last two years have been marked by my steady pursuit of my first marathon. From not being able to run for more than 30 seconds, I conquered health problems and mental blocks to overcome my fear of pain from running. In the meantime, I overcame many other fears, literally anything from guns to gardening. So as I am sitting here post marathon, I don't think I'm done overcoming fears yet. However, a new idea has been forming in my head, and let's just say I have a ton of growing up to do.

Ever since I can remember, I haven't given a whole ton of thought to other people's perception of me. All I knew, was I wanted to be different from everyone else. I recognized a culture deficit going on and I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I liked doing my own thing, regardless of what people thought of me.

Now that I'm older and I have great people speaking into my life, I'm recognizing that sometimes, this desire to be different comes off different than I intend. People have said to me that sometimes I seem stand-off-ish, and until they got to know me, they thought I didn't like them. While I brushed off these comments a few years ago, they are coming back up in my head.

I've always said that I'm basically 8 years old at heart (Jared is 5 haha). I say that because I remember that age where everything seemed wonderful and enjoyable and new, and I want that spirit to be with me as an adult. But I recently heard someone say that you need to be 2/3 adult and 1/3 kid, and you have to be careful not to flip it around. So I'm realizing, that my 8 year old self that just wants to be different and satisfy my craving to explore the world is getting in the way of my authentic relationships. And while I won't get to know everyone that I meet "deeply," I never want them to look at me and say, "She doesn't like me." The old me would say, "Well, they should just stick around and find out the truth." But the newer, questioning me says, "But why would they if someone else seems so much more inviting?"

So to sum up what I've been learning, is that maturity is knowing the fine line of being aware of how people perceive you, without letting everyone's opinions determine your personality. If I look at someone and judge whether or not I want to try to be friends with them, I would be naive to think that they don't do the same to me. The truth is, I love making new friends. But the other truth is, I tend to not show that on the outside. The truth is, I want people to know Jesus. But how can they get to know that if I seem selfish or self absorbed?

So I'm going to work on maturing myself, making sure the way people perceive me matches what is actually going on inside. I have no idea how to do this yet, but thank goodness I have a ton of training miles to sort it all out!

Say something, I'm giving up.

It's after midnight and I can't fall asleep. I didn't even have hot chocolate or anything with caffeine in it. Instead, I have a song stuck in my head. And after an hour of learning it on the guitar trying to get it all out, it's still eating at me. GT English critical reading essays have ruined me for life I think. So you all get a treat of my insomniac critical essay on the song stuck in my head.

But I think you will like it.

The song in question is called "Say Something," by A Great Big World. It's a beautiful yet slightly haunting melody that I just can't get enough of.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.Immediately, I see two people, not unlike Jared and myself, who are at the end of a particularly frustrating argument. If it's me singing it, it's probably because I've done all the talking and I'm just yearning for him to engage. I'll be his girl, if he wants it. I will follow him anywhere, just like I have in the past. But I need that connection. I need him to talk with me.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Here we see expectations meeting reality. The enormity of the anger, frustration, sadness and loneliness in the relationship is causing me to feel so incapable of solving it. I had expectations of love, but I obviously was naive to think that it would be like what I expected.

But hey. I realize I'm going to mess up. This is my first (and hopefully only) marriage. I'm going to mess up. Just like a toddler, I have to learn to walk before I can run.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

When I feel like I'm getting no response, my corresponding reaction is that I can't communicate with you. My feelings are not getting heard, just causing more pain, more grief, more doubt that I could ever help make this work. So instead of getting hurt more, I'm just going to say goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

And yet, even after all the hurt, all the anguish, I repeat myself just one last time. I still hold out hope that I can somehow, someway, get a positive response...

While I relate to this song on a level in my marriage primarily, I've been thinking that this is much like my friendships sometimes. I'd venture to say, this pops up in almost any relationship of any sort. People we love sometimes don't realize how much we crave their interaction, their affection or their support in our lives and we just cry out in angst for someone to say something, anything, where we don't feel alone. It can be heightened by social media, where we can have so many "friends" yet feel so alone at home.

But as Christmas rolls around and it heightens our sensitivity to our social relationships, I think this song touches a much deeper level of need that people are seeking. In reality, we are looking for unconditional love. Yet, we are seeking it from humans whom are incapable of it.

Now we have all heard that God loves us. But it's a ton easier to believe that God exists rather than believe that an all powerful being cares about me and my going-ons personally. It's hard to believe that he cares about my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, my fears. It's hard to believe that he's as interested in hearing about my day at work as he is about orphans in Africa.

But that's the truth. And yet, sometimes it's so hard to feel that love. It's so hard to feel it and believe it, especially in the hardest and most painful circumstances. It's at that point that we yell out, "Say something!" to God, hoping that we get a burning bush or a parting of the sea to show us his power. We doubt. We say I would have followed you. Yet because I cannot feel you or see any inkling of your interaction with me, I'm giving up on you.

Maybe you have had this kind of interaction with God. Now, Christmas is just a reminder of that struggle with God and the feelings of being alone. But what you have to realize is that during a storm, all you can see are the clouds and the thunder and lightning. It gets really dark and dangerous as the storm builds and starts dumping water everywhere.

When I went running the other day, it was raining at the beginning. But after an hour or so of running through the rain and the cold, the rain stopped, the clouds moved and the sun came out. That got me thinking. Just because it's storming doesn't mean the sun isn't there. It's just hidden. Get in a plane (if it's safe) and pop up through the clouds and it's there. Shining as ever, giving a warm glow. In a life storm, all you may see are the dark and rainy parts. The lighting may frighten you and the thunder may be loud, but God's still there, behind the storm. He will never leave you. The song we may sing in our anguish is, thankfully, not his song.

His song can be found in 2 Timothy chapter 2:
"If we died with him, we will also live with him.
If we endure, we will also reign with him.
If we deny him, he will also deny us.
If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, since he cannot deny himself."

God will always remain faithful, even if we say goodbye to him due to our unbelief. He is love. He is grace. He came to Earth on Christmas to bring you hope that you are not alone in the storm. You are not alone in your struggle or your anguish. You do not have the bear the burdens of your destructive behavior you have now. God came to give himself as a gift to the world. It's like a present under the tree. It's been paid for and wrapped, all you have to do is accept it for your own.

If Jesus were to rewrite some of this song, I think he would say
Say something, I'm coming to you.
I love you and I give my life for you.
Anywhere, I'm always with you.
Say something, yet I'm not giving up on you.

Authentic Contentment

Hello everyone! It's been an amazing week and weekend so far!

Last weekend I got to run another race with my parents..the Rhar and Sons Oktoberfest 5K! While I couldn't drink the beer due to my food allergy, I still had tons of fun with my parents and set a PR for my 5K!

Mom and I before the race!

Right before the start!

Post Race Festivities!

I finally (officially!) PR'ed my 5K at 29:54.6!

Now, one thing I want to make sure gets across, is that it's easy to look at someone who's achieved a ton of their goals (especially all at once) and say, "Wow. It's great you can do that. You are superwomen! I can't do what you do."

And if that's what you have to say, then I have failed as the goal of my blog. This blog isn't to show off to the world about my running. I'm not that good in the first place! But what I hope you see is someone who was challenged, set goals, and worked step by step to meet them. I had two major milestones this past week that had me on cloud nine. But they have been milestones months in the making. A year and a month if you want to be exact! I am a normal, messed up human being with sin and trials and, thankfully, a Savior. I couldn't run 30 seconds at the beginning of this journey. I hope you see my writing as an authentic representation of what God is teaching me, and I hope He is using it to encourage and challenge you to be in His presence, in His love. Without him none of this is possible.

Something along the same lines that I have learned from it all, is that while I set goals and strive to achieve them, I have actually learned how to live in the moment. I have learned to enjoy the journey. I don't run and pine or worry over the ability to run a marathon. I simply say, "This is what I can do today, and it's the next step to get me where I need to be tomorrow." I've been able to spend some quality time with God on my long runs. I've learned to worship him even if my legs are screaming and some of my most treasured moments with him have been while I'm alone running through his creation. I've learned that God has me right where I need to be no matter what the circumstances and I am content in that!

So with that said, here's to another round of training. This one leads to my BIG goal, the one I've been working toward for 13 months. The Walt Disney World Marathon!

Here we go!

The Marriage Gift

 

I had the privilege to attend one of the most beautiful weddings last night.

For obvious reasons, my favorite wedding was my own. I was able to marry the most amazing man on Earth and so other weddings simply do not compare. So for fairness' sake, I'll just take my wedding out of the competition.

But last night's wedding was definitely a top pick, if not the top pick, of weddings I have had the privilege of attending. I love weddings. I think there should be more of them. I think they are super important and special to God's heart. Marriage is a reflection of the love God has for us. Just as a man loves a women and the women loves the man back, Jesus loves the church just as the church loves Jesus back. In a culture where increasingly more and more people co-habitate and don't get married, I treasure the times I get to witness two people committing their lives to one other with no take backs in front of their communities.

What struck me the most about this wedding is the back story of Uncle Ray and his new wife, Patty. I remember sitting in the hospital, close to Thanksgiving right before Jared and I got married. Jared's Aunt Linda was in her hospital bed, breathing slowly. She didn't talk and while the family had to leave the room to discuss things with a nurse, I had the honor of holding her hand and just getting to talk to her. I told her how beautiful her family was. How privileged I was to get to marry into it. I told her how wonderful her kids were and how I was so lucky to get to be with them and get to know them. In her pain, she managed a smile. It was the most beautiful smile I ever saw.

I watched Uncle Ray at the funeral and the days after. I saw how much he loved Linda. From a distance and through the grapevine I watched the family grow together. And then last Easter, I got to meet Patty. She was so gracious. So kind. I learned that she also had lost a spouse and in talking with her, I saw how much love she had for people.

Watching them say their vows yesterday was breathtaking. Here were two people who had loved fiercely and lost those loved ones. They both had been tested with their vows. They had lived  through sickness and health, for richer and poorer, and until death parted them. And here they were. They believed in the power of marriage and commitment to each other so strongly with their first marriages, they were willing to walk through it again with each other. Despite how heartbreaking it was to go through what they have gone through, God has gifted them a new love to walk through the rest of life together with.

And that's when it struck me. Words to explain what I have felt in the first 18 months of marriage with Jared. Marriage is a gift. When I was single I never felt I had the capacity to love someone the way I felt I should in marriage. But thankfully, God has given me the love I need to inexplicably walk through life with Jared unconditionally. We support each other in the hard times and giggle like kids with each other in the great times.

So Patty and Ray, you are probably going to get a thank you letter in the mail from me...fair warning! Thank you so much for inviting me to this wedding. Thank you for the love you have for another, the example you have set for me and for the amazing party and celebration last night! Jared and I love you both and pray for your marriage to grow in love abundantly in the future!