Say something, I'm giving up.

It's after midnight and I can't fall asleep. I didn't even have hot chocolate or anything with caffeine in it. Instead, I have a song stuck in my head. And after an hour of learning it on the guitar trying to get it all out, it's still eating at me. GT English critical reading essays have ruined me for life I think. So you all get a treat of my insomniac critical essay on the song stuck in my head.

But I think you will like it.

The song in question is called "Say Something," by A Great Big World. It's a beautiful yet slightly haunting melody that I just can't get enough of.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.Immediately, I see two people, not unlike Jared and myself, who are at the end of a particularly frustrating argument. If it's me singing it, it's probably because I've done all the talking and I'm just yearning for him to engage. I'll be his girl, if he wants it. I will follow him anywhere, just like I have in the past. But I need that connection. I need him to talk with me.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Here we see expectations meeting reality. The enormity of the anger, frustration, sadness and loneliness in the relationship is causing me to feel so incapable of solving it. I had expectations of love, but I obviously was naive to think that it would be like what I expected.

But hey. I realize I'm going to mess up. This is my first (and hopefully only) marriage. I'm going to mess up. Just like a toddler, I have to learn to walk before I can run.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

When I feel like I'm getting no response, my corresponding reaction is that I can't communicate with you. My feelings are not getting heard, just causing more pain, more grief, more doubt that I could ever help make this work. So instead of getting hurt more, I'm just going to say goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

And yet, even after all the hurt, all the anguish, I repeat myself just one last time. I still hold out hope that I can somehow, someway, get a positive response...

While I relate to this song on a level in my marriage primarily, I've been thinking that this is much like my friendships sometimes. I'd venture to say, this pops up in almost any relationship of any sort. People we love sometimes don't realize how much we crave their interaction, their affection or their support in our lives and we just cry out in angst for someone to say something, anything, where we don't feel alone. It can be heightened by social media, where we can have so many "friends" yet feel so alone at home.

But as Christmas rolls around and it heightens our sensitivity to our social relationships, I think this song touches a much deeper level of need that people are seeking. In reality, we are looking for unconditional love. Yet, we are seeking it from humans whom are incapable of it.

Now we have all heard that God loves us. But it's a ton easier to believe that God exists rather than believe that an all powerful being cares about me and my going-ons personally. It's hard to believe that he cares about my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, my fears. It's hard to believe that he's as interested in hearing about my day at work as he is about orphans in Africa.

But that's the truth. And yet, sometimes it's so hard to feel that love. It's so hard to feel it and believe it, especially in the hardest and most painful circumstances. It's at that point that we yell out, "Say something!" to God, hoping that we get a burning bush or a parting of the sea to show us his power. We doubt. We say I would have followed you. Yet because I cannot feel you or see any inkling of your interaction with me, I'm giving up on you.

Maybe you have had this kind of interaction with God. Now, Christmas is just a reminder of that struggle with God and the feelings of being alone. But what you have to realize is that during a storm, all you can see are the clouds and the thunder and lightning. It gets really dark and dangerous as the storm builds and starts dumping water everywhere.

When I went running the other day, it was raining at the beginning. But after an hour or so of running through the rain and the cold, the rain stopped, the clouds moved and the sun came out. That got me thinking. Just because it's storming doesn't mean the sun isn't there. It's just hidden. Get in a plane (if it's safe) and pop up through the clouds and it's there. Shining as ever, giving a warm glow. In a life storm, all you may see are the dark and rainy parts. The lighting may frighten you and the thunder may be loud, but God's still there, behind the storm. He will never leave you. The song we may sing in our anguish is, thankfully, not his song.

His song can be found in 2 Timothy chapter 2:
"If we died with him, we will also live with him.
If we endure, we will also reign with him.
If we deny him, he will also deny us.
If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, since he cannot deny himself."

God will always remain faithful, even if we say goodbye to him due to our unbelief. He is love. He is grace. He came to Earth on Christmas to bring you hope that you are not alone in the storm. You are not alone in your struggle or your anguish. You do not have the bear the burdens of your destructive behavior you have now. God came to give himself as a gift to the world. It's like a present under the tree. It's been paid for and wrapped, all you have to do is accept it for your own.

If Jesus were to rewrite some of this song, I think he would say
Say something, I'm coming to you.
I love you and I give my life for you.
Anywhere, I'm always with you.
Say something, yet I'm not giving up on you.

Things I've Learned From My Dog

She's cuddly. She's furry. She begs for all of my food. She's my loveable, adorable dog.

But the story of what I've learned from Duchess, goes way further back. Back to before I even was thinking where I'd go to college or who I'd marry.

My mom got me involved in dance. I think the incessant dancing naked around the house with my towel as my cape after baths (while listening to Disney songs) tipped her off about my love for dance. That love for dance turned into dance class almost every day of the week, for about two or three hours each day. Even though I constantly looked at the clock during class to see when it was time to go, I think this exercise routine really prepped my body for doing high intensity workouts for long periods of time.

After I had to quit dance due to my over-commitment to extra curricular activities, I still exercised. While band required me to spend two hours every day in the sun, I began to get involved in running. I had always wanted to be a runner. But when I'd go try to reenact my Pocahontas "Colors of the Wind" routine, I'd always be winded just by running a few steps. Back then, 10 minutes of running/walking around the small pond was, in my opinion, a difficult workout. I'd do Pilates, kickboxing with mom, walking and weight lifting, but running was always my secret ambition.

College brought along sporadic running with my roommates, but nothing to really be consistent about. And with busy schedules during the summer of my junior and senior year, exercise had really fallen off the radar. It was an occasional blip on the horizon.

So when we got Duchess, we knew that she would be a big ball of energy. I mean, just look at her when she was a puppy!

She's 10 weeks old in this picture!

It was love at first sight!

Jared and Duchess playing!

But I was excited about her being a giant fluffy energy ball. I knew that it was going to force me to take her on walks and be active. I wanted to get back to being active and moving! But when we took her on these walks, we quickly realized this husky/lab pup liked walks. But what she really loved, was running.

So as she got older, Jared and I started an exercise routine with her. We would go run in the neighborhood, working on just being able to run a mile without walking. Duchess would be so happy on runs. Even today, she gets so excited she just pulls us along. We just have to move our feet to go forward. She thinks she's a sled dog. She loves it when we run "in formation" with her in front and dead center of Jared and I. When it's just Duchess and I, she loves running right beside me.

I'm often chasing these two on our runs!

But as my dream for running a marathon grew, she became a part of that training process. When I wanted to just sit on the couch, she would be so disappointed if we didn't get out there and run.

Mom? Are we going running today?

She's so excited to go running!

She trained right along side me. We started out with those 30 second intervals a year and a half ago, and now she's doing up to 10 miles with me in the blistering 32 degree winter wind (5 if it's hot!). We come home from those long runs, and she wants to play as if we didn't just cover some serious milage!

She's post-run cooling in front of the fan...

...five minutes later, she wants to play!

Tug of war is her favorite!

What I've learned from her is that running is supposed to be fun. When we first start to run, she looks back at me with that little happy trot and it's like she's telling me this is the best thing ever! She's become the best running buddy ever. She loves to run so much, it makes me smile and makes those long, solo runs more enjoyable.

Post run shenanigans in the car!

Second thing I've learned from her, is to see the world with wonder. We almost always see a bobcat or armadillo on our runs (sometimes raccoons!) and she thinks these animals are new found friends. She gets to excited to try to meet them. Poor dog doesn't realize that's not a good idea, but that's not the point. Even if it's a person on rollerblades, she thinks every new thing is a fantastic, new experience and she gets so excited to meet new people and do new things.

That leads me into the next thing I've learned from Duchess. She loves people. She's learned to "defend the fortress" when we are home, but she loves meeting all the people we pass in the parks and loves kids! We often stop and let kids pet her and she gets so many compliments from people passing by on how pretty she is. I wish I could love people as unconditionally as her.

Turkey Trot this year, she's wondering when we can start running and meeting new dogs!

So as we are in the final preparations of our marathon training and in the peak week with our 20 mile run (that she won't get to join us on) I have to say I love this dog. She's an amazing friend and companion through all the crazies of life. She has taught me so much about running and loving people. She's become the catalyst to help me dream and stick to my marathon training when I wanted to quit. I wish I could give her a medal or something for all the miles she's put in with me. But let's be honest. She's a dog. And I think she would rather just have me take her out on a bonus run as a reward. :)

Back from the Silent...something...trying to sound cool...

Hello everyone! It's been a while since I've posted. I've been busy getting things for work done, attending different events for Redeemed, decorating for Christmas, spending time with family, etc. Then #iceapocalypse hit Dallas Thursday and it has forced me to slooooowwwww dooooowwwwwnn. Hence, now I have plenty of time to blog!

My favorite picture from our adventure out yesterday.

Jared and I are getting a little stir crazy in our 720 sq ft apartment (and that includes our deck and laundry room/outdoor storage area). We have made Christmas presents, cooked. I attempted to paint my nails and they didn't turn out as bad as usual. We have done laundry, cleaned, discovered Undercover Boss on Netflix and probably spent more time on Facebook and Pinterest than ever before! Problem is, we are running out of things to do!

Jared and I took a walk yesterday and slid around for a bit. Jared attempted to go to work this morning but there were tons of people stranded at the little gas station next to our apartment and police officers were advising everyone to stay home. I have to say, it's not the fact that I have spent three days at home that's really bugging me. It's the fact that I have no other option but to stay home. I don't like it when I can't go out and do things I want on my unexpected time off and that's what is really wearing down on me.

I think about what I would be doing right now if I hadn't been iced in. First, I would have worked a ton more. We would have done a big outreach at the Children's parade, a fun party for foster kids, I would have friends over right now and we would be eating a big pasta dinner in preparation for our marathon relay tomorrow. It may seem overdramatic, but it's almost like I'm grieving over it. These fun things to do with people I love no longer are happening and I'm pretty sad.

I've prayed a ton over the last few days. I've asked God what the deal is and where he is going with this. After all, with the marathon relay, I felt that was something he asked me to do. I am sad we didn't get to invite the people at the Children's parade to church. I'm sad for the kids that were supposed to come to our church this weekend.

But Jared and I in all of our Netflix-ing watched the Polar Express last night. My favorite part of this movie is when the kid had seen the effects of Santa Claus. With the Polar Express and elves (which honestly are a little creepy in that movie) and a giant mound of presents and the reindeer, he still had to choose to believe even if he couldn't see Santa. He had to act on faith. The conductor even said, "Seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can't see."

God obviously doesn't come down in visual form of his glory and power. We would all wig out! But we see the effect of God. We see the changed lives, the peace, the miracles. We feel the effects of God in our emotions and our lives when we do life the way he designed it. It never seems to make sense, like reindeer flying with a sled full of presents for the entire world, but somehow it always works out.

So I'll continue to keep myself busy until we finally see the ice melt. I'm so not looking forward to my workout on the dreadmill tomorrow. Jared's vacuuming right now, and he HARDLY EVER VACUUMS. And even after the ice melts and we go on with our lives, I will continually act on faith, even when the doubt creeps in. God doesn't necessarily make sense, but I believe he knows what he's doing!