Fireworks

I honestly sit here inspired tonight. It's been the culmination of a million pondering moments and a million questions all converging at once.

I had the honor tonight to attend a concert in the Botanical Gardens with one of my dearest friends Ashley and her family. Honestly, when I found out I was going to get to hang out with them tonight I was so excited. I love their family and how funny, genuine and hospitable they are. It takes a special kind of people to invite me over to a dinner and cater to my gluten free needs and they did so with flying colors. Literally. Mr. Mark's shirt looked exactly like the American flag when you held up our patriotic napkins to his shirt!

But I guess I should start explaining things a little bit, first starting a few months ago when I attended a training for work. We talked about trauma and how it affects the brain. We like to talk in symbolism to get our points across, naturally. We discussed how trauma affects the brain and how the brain achieved healing. The metaphor that the speaker used was that trauma was not a linear model where we travel in a straight line and get to point B from point A. Rather, it's a spiral model where we start at the bottom. Some times we move forward and other times we move back. But regardless where we are in the spiral, we are always moving up.

This is an important thing to keep in mind when we consider all that has been happening recently.

Personally, I've been under a ton of stress. Between my work with the women I mentor and my personal life, there is a ton going on. I can't elaborate. But let's say the new essential oils I received are definitely helping along side some very long prayer times for my anxiety.

Meanwhile, I couldn't even look at Facebook for a while. I feel like a recent post I saw from Glen Beck summed it up exactly:

Personally, I believe my first citizenship is to God. I am a daughter of the King. He says homosexuality was not a part of his design. So therefore, I believe that if you are living a homosexual lifestyle, you are not living in the will of God. However, God gave us the freedom to make our own choices. That's what makes His love so spectacular; He doesn't force us to love him. So in accordance to my second citizenship to the United States of America, you have the ability to do whatever you chose to do, as long as it doesn't cause me to deviate from my freedom to follow my beliefs in God.

What I do have a problem with is how this, among other decisions, was passed down through our court system. We have a constitution which is the most unique piece of governmental procedure in the world. No one came up with something like this before America. I feel like if we are to really protect freedom to live the way we want to (whether you choose to follow God or not) that monumental document needs to be followed so that everyone has the freedom to live the life they chose.

So meanwhile, I see the hate and the divisiveness that is coming across in social media and I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart. I wonder how such a court decision could have happened. Then on top of that, how can we have become a society where if you have a differing opinion than I do, it makes you an enemy that I can never talk to again?

So this Fourth of July, I am very reflective and prayerful as I consider what we are actually celebrating this year. While I'm very disappointed in what has happened in our country recently, I still can't help think about the spiral model of healing. Sometimes we will go forward. Sometimes we will go backward. Yet we will always be going up.

As I watched the fireworks tonight above my hometown, I couldn't help but judge which fireworks I thought were the prettiest. I'm pretty consistent. Ever since I was little I've loved the ones that sparkle and have lots of twinkling lights that linger even after the initial explosion. As I watched (and maybe had to wipe the ash from my face) I thought, "What is it about those fireworks that makes the sparkle ones so exceptional?" In my reflective mood, I thought about how there are thousands of tiny pieces of the fireworks that catch the energy from the initial explosion and then ignite to create the light and the sparkle. Consequentially, that causes those fireworks to last so much longer than the other ones.

I can't help but draw a parallel from those fireworks to our society. Right now we have a ton of fireworks that draw our attention. From Obamacare to church shootings to confederate flags to homosexuality...there are so many things looking to draw our attention and create a divide amongst our country right now. But the fireworks that last and actually make a difference in our lives are the ones that see the goodness and the kindness in our society. While they may not make the front page or the top of the news, they are the stories that actually pierce our hearts and cause us to aspire to be better versions of ourselves.

So amongst all those that have expressed despair for the future of our country, I actually have hope in our America. I believe that God is bringing up a generation of people my age that have caught the initial spark of the gospel and are propelled to make a change where God has planted them. That obedience, grace and love causes them to spark and make a difference in the lives of those around them, who therefore also catch the spark. God is creating a huge firework, the kind that lingers long after the others, and spreads the good news of love and redemption.

We may be in a backwards trend of the spiral right now. Trust me, I know it's NOT pretty. But I have hope. I refuse to give in to the idea that we are beyond repair. America was built on hope and it will only fail when hope in something better is lost by the people that live here. It's a hard road to travel. These days the road seems pretty tough. But if we do not give up, we will be that shining light on a hill the Bible talks about.

We will be a huge firework signaling freedom to everyone in the world looking for it.

So my question is, what spark is God calling you to be?

When God Says No

Growing up I always wanted to be an astronaut. My copy of "Flying to the Moon" by Michael Collins has a lot of wear and tear over the years from reading it constantly, only interrupted by homework and dance lessons. I did my research papers on astronauts. My drawings were of space. I remember looking through the telescope with my dad at planets and waking up at 3 AM to watch meteor showers from my backyard. We went to NASA in both Houston and Florida. My living statue assignment was on the Challenger teacher Christa McAuliffe...proof that someone "ordinary" could become an astronaut had the space shuttle actually worked. I watched Star Wars, wondering if I would someday find other planets to live on. I dreamed of becoming the first person on Mars.

But even after all of this, I distinctly remember struggling in math my junior year of high school and praying to God, "Is being an astronaut what you want me to do?" While I never heard a voice, I remember my heart going numb, knowing that wasn't going to be where He was leading me. I was distraught. I didn't know what else I would do.

And then life took it's turns. I didn't get the grades. I struggled with physics. I had my own mental issues to deal with much less think of solving how to get to Mars. My interest in space turned into music, art, biochemistry...more, Earthly things. I still however, catch myself staring up, looking for stars and wondering if someone or something else is looking at our star and dreaming of other planets as well.

When I still catch myself looking up at the stars I keep wondering what was the reasoning God designed my life this way. Honestly, I don't think I will every get the answer to it until I get to heaven. But let's speculate, based on what we know, shall we?

Reasons why I wanted to be an astronaut:
1. I wanted to do what was considered impossible.
2. I wanted to explore new worlds.
3. I wanted to fly a plane.
4. I wanted to be famous and inspire other people.

Do we notice a pattern with all my reasons? They all start with "I." Also, think about this...NASA has been shut down due to budget cuts. There are no missions to space in the exact time frames I would have been looking for a job as an astronaut. Currently they are being used to produce facts about climate change...and we all know how I feel about that...

The Bible says in Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Many people told me this as a kid when I told them the big plans I had for my life. But what they didn't tell me was that it was coupled with Psalm 37:3 "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness." 

While my intentions may have been good in all my reasons to be an astronaut, God wasn't at the center of what I desired. I loved God, and I wanted Him to make me an astronaut. I was viewing God as a cosmic blessing on my plans and my dreams instead of trusting in the Lord and doing good, even when disappointment and chaos reigned in my life. If I had not been faithful with what God was calling me to do, I wouldn't have met my deepest desire...to inspire and help other people to be better versions of themselves. Had I gone down the space path, at least up to this point in my lifetime, my dreams would have been crushed. Meanwhile, God has formed me and shaped me into ministry where I get to work with - and hopefully help people - become better versions of themselves every day with God being the power behind my work. In a way, I am getting to do my original #1 reason I wanted to be an astronaut...I'm doing what most people consider impossible.

While I know it's a limited view right now, it's enough to step back and say, "Wow God, you really had my back on that one." I'm sure it will become more and more evident as time goes on why I'm on this road, but it's enough to look to the sky and say even "if we are faithless, [God] remains faithful - for he cannot deny himself." (2 Timothy 2:13b)

So for now my exploration of space will be limited to the new Star Wars in December and watching the new TV series of "Astronaut Wives." I'll pull the start chart out every once in a while while we are camping and dream other planets from the back of our truck. But on the bright side, God still hasn't closed the door on me learning how to fly a plane. Winner, winner, chicken dinner!