Happy Birthday Mom!

Today is a pretty special day...it's my mom's birthday!!!

My mom is a pretty special lady. ;) Not only is she absolutely beautiful, but she is an amazing woman! I am completely blessed to have her as a role model!

Here's what I love about Mom:

1. She introduced me to Disney and chocolate. What else does a girl need???

2. She's a hard worker. She has tirelessly worked her whole life to be the best at what she does and she never gives up. I hope I can be the best at what I do just like her.

3. She is the most loyal person I know. If I'm into something or my brother is into something, she jumps in 100% and learns about that thing with you. From my days working at the winery to our new runDisney obsession, she loves sharing what you love. And to boot? She sticks with you no matter what.

4. She loves to travel! I have had the opportunity to travel to so many places because of her love for travel! I am so blessed to have had all the experiences I have had and I know my love for travel comes from her and Dad. Thank you for schlepping me all over the world so that I could experience so many things!

5. She is the best teacher. Yes, yes she teaches at Rice. But she's also a great teacher for life. If she doesn't know how to do it, she finds someone who does (hello Spanish and music!). But she's taught me so many things. Like how to make a cheesecake (and cook in general). She taught me about history, how to read and write, how to do a resume, how to make friends. She builds fences, can do-it-yourself on many things around the house, and knows how to shop sales!!!! I have the best person to learn alongside with.

6. She is super compassionate. But what's awesome about her compassion is that she doesn't just look at your plight and go "poor baby" and bring you some milk. But she tells you the things you need to hear to give you that extra push to move past it. I think this is super rare. I'm able to talk to her whenever I'm having a meltdown and be able to move on with her encouragement.

7. She's my best friend. We get together and we can just talk! From Disney to running to clothes she and I just can go on for hours! It's a problem when we are on a trip and we need to get up early in the morning, but it's one of the most cherished things about her that I love!

To thank you Mom for being so awesome. Today we celebrate you!

Love always,
Madelyn

When Doubt Creeps In

It's been a rough couple of weeks.

Nothing drastically bad has happened. I just have had small things happen over the last few weeks. But we all know that these small things can build up and become big monsters in no time.

First small things that have happened have been with Redeemed. In this case it's things not happening. Churches backing out on us coming to talk to them, people flaking out on things they committed to, etc. I was really excited about some of these things happening and the fact that they didn't' work out really bummed me out.

Second thing that has been happening is kinda good. Jared and I started going through Financial Peace together. We are not in financial crisis by any standard. However, we have learned a whole bunch. Yet, when we talk about things that need to get paid for or things that we want to do and we can't afford them, it's another small let down. Can I survive without participating in the Turkey Trot this year? Sure I can. Can we survive without eating out? Absolutely. And we probably will be better off without it. But when it seems all my husband worries about when we go out is the bottom line of "how much is this going to cost us," it really makes time together a bummer. We've since discussed this and make an agreement on how to change it (which is why I'm ok with telling whoever reads this about this conflict in my marriage). What's bumming me out though is that Jared and I have had several talks recently. Really deep ones. We've talked out so many things recently and I think we have reached a new level of understanding each other. I just sometimes feel like I am a bad wife.

This leads into the third thing that happened. Jared turned 25! I was so pumped for him. He was getting new shirts, boots for work, tons of birthday cards and tons of money (yay!) that I hoped made him feel special. However, I wasn't able to really do anything this year. This is a big deal for me because I usually am scheming a month out on surprises and fun things to do. But this year, I didn't want to spend that much money and I didn't have the time to devote to it like I have in the past. Add in Jared had to work on his birthday and all I could really do was tell him happy birthday and smile, and hopefully go to a restaurant he liked (which didn't happen either). To see the disappointment on his face made me feel like the worst person ever.

As a personality that bases most of my value on results, I feel pretty let down. I have many doubts right now that have been playing in the back of my head. I'm a terrible wife. I am not qualified enough to lead an anti-human trafficking organization. I'm not a good friend to those I love. I'm terrible with money. All my insecurities have come creeping up and causing me to doubt everything.

So the question is, what do I do with the doubt? What do I do with the insecurity and the heartache and the anxiety? As passionate as a person I am, my highs are really high yet my lows can be all-consuming.

So today, I broke out my first love, music. I pulled out the guitar my parents lovingly bought me for Christmas a few years ago and I found myself having my own mini-worship time. It's been forever since I played and I was surprised at how much my fingers remembered where to go and how steady I was able to keep my strumming. I love my guitar and the tone matches my voice amazingly. After revisiting some of my old favorites I used to play when I led worship, I decided to teach myself a new song. The first song that came to mind was "Oceans" by Hillsong.

The first time I heard this song, I was at church alone. Jared was out at work and we had just had a disagreement. It's crazy how you can be in a crowd of people and feel so isolated. I felt so alone. When they played this song I cried my eyes out. The words in the bridge just pierced my heart.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

I have asked God to use me and call me to places that people have never been to yet. I've asked for him to teach me how to love him more and rely on him for everything. As I was teaching myself how to play this song today I realized I'm in that place right now. I'm stretching and growing. God is the only one who is going to take my ministry, my marriage and my relationships and make them into the beauty God designed them to be.

As a results oriented person, I realized that what I have to do is just rest in God. Do my part and then rest it in his hands. And when doubt creeps in, all I can do is sing this chorus to him.

"I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine"

I find that so comforting to know that if everything goes south, if everything crumbles, if everything just falls apart, God still loves me, still has a plan for me. I'm not just a pawn that is thrown out when I'm used, I'm cherished and I am loved. God loves me just the same has he loves everyone. He loves me the same way he loves everyone all the way back to Adam and Eve.

So I don't know what else to say but I hope that in my vulnerability, in my openness and at my low points, God can speak to you and let you know that the same goes for you. When doubt creeps in and you have those questions, know that you are loved no matter the outcome.



Hillsong United - Oceans (Live) from Hillsong Church on Vimeo.

The Importance of Song Choice

Hello everyone! I was really worried about the weather today as it was still cold and rainy when I left out the door this morning. I went in and gave a presentation for Redeemed for the lovely ladies at Lakewood United Methodist Church (thank you everyone for having me!) and when I came out, it was sunny and beautiful! It's days like today where I truly appreciate my eye surgery. The colors in the full sunlight are SO vibrant and when I look around the details still astound me. Don't know if I will ever get used to it. Don't know if I want to. Thanks Mom and Dad. This surgery really has changed my life!

Now like any other presentation I give, I get really nervous before hand. I definitely suffer from "waiting in the wing" syndrome. But one thing that I learned from running is that everything seems better with a good song you can belt along to. So as I waited in the Starbucks drive through to treat myself to some dark roast coffee, I turned on Fellowship Creative's "All About You" album and sang all the way to the church. It not only put me in the right frame of mind for the event, but I also felt so much better about giving the presentation. Again, if you didn't read my post from yesterday, we really do magnify what we focus on!

When I got home this afternoon, my first priority was to get my computer back in order. First of all my computer's name is Mic (stands for "Made in China"). So Mic the Mac had to go to the Mac computer hospital to get a new logic board. But the good news is, Mic is back and kicking again. Hopefully Mic will last me a whole bunch of years more!

Part of the process of getting Mic back in working shape (because he basically came back factory new) was to get all my songs back and organized on my iTunes library. Thankfully, I had most of the files on my Time Capsule AND iTunes lets you re-download any song you purchased ever if you ever lose the files. Hallelujah!

It was kinda hilarious going back and seeing songs I had downloaded all the way back in high school. This included all the Spanish songs I had to download for Spanish oral projects (Juanes!) and several hits from the early 2000's (Smash Mouth anyone?). I also found all the songs my mom and I had downloaded in the Alamodome waiting on my brother's high school marching band to perform for State. Old School Rock and Roll Classics! Then I hit a period in my life where I wasn't too careful about the types of songs I was downloading, much less the lyrics. They weren't even on par with the old school rock and roll musically. They were really just junk. I remember what a dark period in my life that was too. I was a very negative, skeptical person. I knew all the answers God had to life, but I was too prideful to let him in and actually work in my life.

And then, even more recently, I was looking for running songs! I saw a pin on Pinterest about some of the best running songs around. Most of them are things from like...Maroon 5, Beyonce, Pitbull etc. Needless to say, even though they are not uplifting songs, I bought them because I thought they would help me get pumped during my run.

But you know what I realized? One of those songs would come on and yea, I would nod my head to the beat and enjoy the "pop-i-ness" of the song. Then I would get tired of it halfway through because the artists are singing about stupid things or don't even make sense. But then a song like Stellar Kart's "We Shine" would come on with much more musical drive and meaningful lyrics and I would have a REAL boost of mental and emotional energy to go faster or longer on my run.

So as I went through my iTunes library today, I had to make some choices. Do I really download those songs again, or leave them off? I'm glad to say I deleted some. Others, I haven't heard in so long I don't remember them. I'm going to reevaluate as I hear them. But I'm going to really be strict on myself. Running is something that I find so positive in my life. It changes my mood and helps me de-stress. I need to make sure my music helps me focus on those things that are important and more than anything, glorify the one who I'm running for!

If you are looking for new music, I highly suggest going to air1.com. They are a positive, Christian rock radio station. They really have some songs on their website that I love! You can even head bang to some. Others come on and make me just dance in my seat! Plus, any station that plays Switchfoot on a regular basis definitely has my vote!

Cue the Olympic theme on my iTunes as I finish this post! God has a sense of humor people!

Happy running everyone!