Movie Review: Zootopia!

This week Jared and I went out to see Zootopia! It's been on our list for a while. But if you know me, I can barely stand going to see a movie when I know it's nice outside. Low and behold a rainy day came and we made our way out to our local movie theatre for an afternoon showing.

Now, to give a review without a spoiler...

The premise of the movie is that Judy Hopps wants to be a police officer. Thing is, bunnies don't become cops. So her whole career is mostly trying to prove everyone wrong.

Judy unsuccessfully trying to make friends.

On the other hand, there is Nick who is a sly fox and lives up to societies standards that no one can trust a fox.

The two end up working together when Judy is assigned a case that her career as a police officer rides on. 

The great message of this movie is that society tries to bunch us together. Bunnies do this, foxes do that, zebras do this, etc. But for much of the movie animals wrestle with this. Do they go for it and break out of the stereotype and chase their dreams? Or do they concede and become who society tells them to be? 

In a day and age where many of us are grouped and labeled and those labels are used to divide us, this movie couldn't be more timely. Whether we group ourselves by race, faith or political views, many loud platforms try to then take these differing groups and pit us against each other. Why? Political gain, news ratings, who knows what goes on in our hearts to motivate this. However, it is so interesting that we can take a "kids movie" to gain perspective on what's going on in our society. We have gotten to a point where we are so divided we don't talk to anyone of an "opposite label" because we want to avoid the confrontation we are told we are supposed to have.

While life has kinda beat me into a realist, I can't help but hold on to a little bit of idealist that still lives inside of me. I know not everyone is going to believe the same things that I do. But I do believe we can still respect each other not despite, but because of our differing views. 

So as the title song goes for this movie, "I won't give up and I won't give in." "I wanna try even though I could fail."

Trying even though you may fail and make mistakes, is one of the purest forms of courage. 

Universal Encouragement

One of the many "fun" administrative jobs of mine is to send out our newsletter for our ministry every month. I always begin by dreading it. By the end I get excited by all I get to share about what's going on with our team!

I wrote this as an encouragement to our volunteers, but thought some of you could use it and apply it in our daily lives. Community is being slowly replaced by technology and it is crucial to God working in our lives!

"October is such a fun month. We have cooler temperatures, pumpkins are coming out. Everyone
seems to be on board with October being super fantastic.

What is also super fantastic is the teams we are building within Redeemed in Dallas. We have some
incredible people stepping up and answering the call God has put on their hearts to serve the women
who are being exploited within our city.

With all the awesome activity, the thing that has been on my heart has been the word "sustainability."
These women are used to people coming in and out of their life, never sticking around long term for
them. The question most people ask of them is "what can I get out of you?" We are working to have
them ask the question, "What does God think about you?"

We all know the answer to that is God hold us in high value. We are his most prized creation. He
knows our thoughts. He knows our hurts. He knows our dreams. He loves us unconditionally, which is a concept that is hard for us to wrap our heads around. But once these women know God is for them and not against them, we know it can turn their whole situation around.

So the question I ask of myself and our teams is how are we going to sustain these efforts to reach
these women? When burn out comes, when we experience fear, when life seems too complicated to
continue, how are we going to continue reaching out to these women who are desperately looking for
God's love? The answer is two fold: 1) continuing our personal walk with Christ, asking for him to
stretch time and energy so that we can obey the call and 2) reaching out to those we work with for
support and help with the things Satan is throwing at us to try to stop us.

Redeemed is unique in that we are not just a non-profit that you check in and out of in order to get
service hours or experience. Rather, we are a community of believers from all over the metroplex
gathering together in Christ to reach out to those in the darkest of situations and offer them a light of
hope. On top of that, God isn't just using us to change the lives of the women we minister to, but he's
using our community and those we volunteer with to change us to become more like Christ as well.

So I encourage you to not just check in and out and add this work to the list of things you do to be a
"good Christian." Rather I encourage you to really plug in and build community with the people doing this work alongside you. I know the people that have stepped up and volunteered for a while have already changed my life. I pray that God does the same in your life."

Time Travel

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Jared and I have found a new favorite nerdy TV show. It's not so new...but more new to us. It is none other than

Dr. Who

When it comes to cheesy British TV shows I have found that I'm a sucker. I absolutely know there are some jokes that just go way over my American head. But it's funny, witty and like any good sic-fy show, helps us to clarify our values as humans.

With Dr. Who on Netflix streaming in our house much more these days, it really does have me thinking about the past, present and future more. More specifically, what's on loop is the old adage that sometimes you have to look back at where you have been to determine where you should go next. With time continuums and alternate dimensions constantly being created by our choices no matter how small, I've been evaluating my own life in the scope of human history...which can get a bit overwhelming at times!

What I have boiled it down to is three things.

1. Dr. Who LOVES humans and sees the best in them.
Whenever he comes across some crisis that humans are about to overcome or they are on the verge of some scientific breakthrough, he is the human race's biggest fan. He doesn't let individual humans give in to defeatism. He praises humans for spanning time and space with their courage and bravery. When someone holds the human race back from their potential, he defeats them with a vengeance.

This is something that I feel like is missing in our culture today. I hear much in the political talk about how many talk show host don't have faith in the American public today to make good decisions. They begin to talk down to people who are low information voters and become just like the elitists you find on the progressive side of policies. Conservative or liberal, you cannot hold yourself higher in position than any other fellow human and be effective at bringing about change.

Imagine if we did believe in ourselves. Imagine if we kept believing that we really could make changes for the better and actively made them happen right now. Imagine if we didn't give in and acquiesce to a challenge just because it got hard. Disney didn't let that stop him from making Snow White or Disneyland. Reagan effected great change politically because he believed in the American public. Dr. Who doesn't dismiss the defects humans have but rather encourages humans to work past them.

2. Dr. Who just simply loves to explore new places.
I think this is lost on many of us as human beings. Even myself who loves to travel likes having a home and a schedule. It's hard for me to wrap my brain around how Dr. Who literally never has a normal day. He never has a schedule or relationships (other than the revolving door of girls that come in and out of his life). But his thirst for knowledge drives him to see and explore so many new places.

Sometimes as humans we tend to lose that sense of adventure and prefer our couches in front of the TV instead of experiencing the world around us. I hope that we never lose that desire to travel and learn from other people that we meet...even if the relationships only last for a short time.

3. Dr. Who is always regenerating.
Usually he regenerates after something catastrophic has happened. Literally, his cells reorganize and he becomes as completely new human being. He has to rediscover his own personality and his own likes and dislikes. While biologically we as humans may not regenerate I believe we spiritually and emotionally regenerate. Usually, if you think about it, after a very traumatic and trying time. It's that moment when you realize that you don't have that job you wanted and so you rethink everything you wanted to do in your career. It's that moment a relationship breaks down. It's that time when you have to overcome a physical ailment. People relate it to life breaking down your old walls and you having to rebuild them all over again.

But what's cool is those are the moments you get to discover a whole new self. You can discover that you really can overcome your fear of heights or can run further. You might discover you actually like escargot after years of avoiding it. Or that person you thought didn't like you can actually become a good friend. Your little stone shack just got knocked down but a beautiful castle is being built up in it's place.

And if you want to bring it full circle, the times when you feel like you have to regenerate are those times when it is most critical to see the best in your future. To believe the future can be greater than before.

Thankfully, I'm not at a point where I feel like I have a cataclysmic regeneration going on right now. But I am still growing and changing and learning about myself and where I'm going. I believe Dr. Who is so popular because he is the one who gives us hope. While the future may be daunting and scary and unknown it is also our untapped potential. If we hold on to that adventurous spirit and believe that we can always be improving individually, we will be able to really do all the amazing things that we see on the Dr. Who show!

“We’re all stories, in the end. Just make it a good one, eh?”

— The Doctor, Season 5, Episode 13

Follow up...PTSD and Essential Oils

A little while ago I shared how I have been dealing with my PTSD and how I've grown through struggling with it. What I would like to share is how I have found a great way to help manage those days where it seems super overwhelming. 

In case you didn't get to read the blog where I talked about what struggles I have due to PTSD, here's a recap:

1) I deal with depression.

2) I have nightmares at night more often than I'd like. 

3) A recent development, I have panic attacks occasionally. 

Combine all these together and it makes some days seem insurmountable and demotivates me from getting off the couch in front of Dr. Who on Netflix. Thankfully, I have the mental strength to not stay there but...as promised!...I have found something that really helps me deal with these issues. It's essential oils!

Now, when I say that, most people switch off because they think I'm just trying to advertise and build a buisness. Well, the small little lawyer in me (albeit, she's very, very small) wants you to know I don't share this just to advertise essential oils. Yes, I am a rep and very happy about it. But I'm already building a small business with my husband (LoveLifeDesignCo on Etsy...go check it out!) and I don't need to start another one right now. But I'm sharing this because it really has worked for me. Since I got a ton of response from the last post on PTSD, I really wanted to share a solution that I feel could help a ton of people. 

I'm also not advocating essential oils as cures or substitutes for counselors or doctors.  

Now that we got motives and legal-eze out of the way...essential oils have really helped me and here's what works...

Valor II: This is my #1 go to oil when dealing with PTSD. I put it on my wrists and on the back of my neck and the smell alone helps me start feeling normal again. It's a great blend of several things including Idaho Blue Spruce, Ylang Ylang, Frankensence and German Chamomile. When I diffuse it at night with Cedarwood and Lavender it helps me fall asleep faster and more often than not, I don't have nightmares. On weeks where I'm having consecutive bad nights of sleep, I put it on the bottom of my feet and it does helps me sleep really well.

Cedarwood: Many times I sit in bed struggling to fall asleep. Diffusing this helps me fall asleep and sleep without nightmares. 

Lavender: We joke at our house that this is a cure all oil, but diffusing this or applying it topically helps me calm down when I get tense or fearful. It's much cheaper than Valor so I use it on days where I'm not full blown crazy. 😉

Orange and Frankensense: I love to diffuse a couple drops each of these oils when I'm working during the day. It helps me feel happy and excited about work and I find when I'm already diffusing this, it helps stave off any negative emotions or tension and then I don't have to go to any of the other oils. Days where I don't have to deal with PTSD are the best!

So, like I mentioned, I am a rep and if you wanted a blend like Valor II you would have to buy it through a rep. But for the rest of them, you can find essential oils at your local health store. They aren't as pure so they aren't as strong and you have to use more to get the same effect. So make sure you do your cost analysis there. 

I hope this helps many of you who are dealing with PTSD. On top of everything else in life it's a huge burden to deal with on some days. I hope you can find some relief in oils like I have!

Benchmarks

It has been HOT this summer.

I'm sure you are thinking, "Thanks Captain Obvious. This is Texas."

Well, it's a statement I feel I need to make sure is on the page so that we all have the same starting place!

Because it has been so hot, running has been such a beat down. I feel like all I do is  run slow and drown in my sweat. Especially when I have track days with the training group. The track gets so hot some of the tar literally melts and attaches itself to the bottom of my shoes. Instead of feeling fast, I feel like I'm dragging a bunch of 20 pound dumbbells behind me.

Each of us in our training has splits we are supposed to try to hit while doing our track run. I've been hitting mine even though the heat has been oppressive. So one day when I wasn't going to be able to join my training group and had to do my track session on the treadmill at home, I had to do some math to figure out what settings I was supposed to use on the treadmill to achieve the same speed I do on the track.

I had to redo my math three times because I thought I kept getting it wrong.

I used to run my speed workout according to my McMillin calculator splits it gave me back in February. That translated to my treadmill by running my interval pace at a 6.0 MPH on the treadmill. Now, my math was telling me I can now do my treadmill pace at a 6.5 MPH.

So while I did my math three times using three different methods to get there, I finally concluded that it would be the correct speed. And sure enough, I was able to do it. The last interval was painful, but that's the same as every track workout!

A similar thing happened in my personal life. I've always felt I wasn't good at remembering Bible verses to help other people when they needed them. I've really dedicated myself this year to reading out of my physical Bible and not my electronic one so that I can highlight and comment to myself in the margins. I was hoping that by doing this, I would remember where in the Bible certain stories and verses that meant a ton to me were located. Sure enough, a situation at work called for me to share some encouraging verses to a woman who needed them. Without hesitation, I was able to recall several verses that ended up helping her calm down. I did a little, "hmmm" to myself afterwards. It was the first time I had been able to do that instantaneously.

What's the point to all this? Oftentimes in our Christian walk, we feel like we aren't making any progress. We keep dealing with the same emotions, the same habits, the same struggles and don't feel like we are getting anywhere. However, it's important for us to have "benchmarks" in our lives to see how we have progressed. We need to have an "old self" to compare to in order to see how God is working in our lives.

So as you go throughout your week or month, take stock of things that you do. Whether you are running faster, lifting stronger, being more intentional with relationships or your walk with God, see what you are doing better or what needs improvement. While we have faith that God will change us, it's nice to be able to see measurable progress. It allows us to be able to go back and say, "Wow God!" and ultimately, give him the glory he deserves!

When God Says No

Growing up I always wanted to be an astronaut. My copy of "Flying to the Moon" by Michael Collins has a lot of wear and tear over the years from reading it constantly, only interrupted by homework and dance lessons. I did my research papers on astronauts. My drawings were of space. I remember looking through the telescope with my dad at planets and waking up at 3 AM to watch meteor showers from my backyard. We went to NASA in both Houston and Florida. My living statue assignment was on the Challenger teacher Christa McAuliffe...proof that someone "ordinary" could become an astronaut had the space shuttle actually worked. I watched Star Wars, wondering if I would someday find other planets to live on. I dreamed of becoming the first person on Mars.

But even after all of this, I distinctly remember struggling in math my junior year of high school and praying to God, "Is being an astronaut what you want me to do?" While I never heard a voice, I remember my heart going numb, knowing that wasn't going to be where He was leading me. I was distraught. I didn't know what else I would do.

And then life took it's turns. I didn't get the grades. I struggled with physics. I had my own mental issues to deal with much less think of solving how to get to Mars. My interest in space turned into music, art, biochemistry...more, Earthly things. I still however, catch myself staring up, looking for stars and wondering if someone or something else is looking at our star and dreaming of other planets as well.

When I still catch myself looking up at the stars I keep wondering what was the reasoning God designed my life this way. Honestly, I don't think I will every get the answer to it until I get to heaven. But let's speculate, based on what we know, shall we?

Reasons why I wanted to be an astronaut:
1. I wanted to do what was considered impossible.
2. I wanted to explore new worlds.
3. I wanted to fly a plane.
4. I wanted to be famous and inspire other people.

Do we notice a pattern with all my reasons? They all start with "I." Also, think about this...NASA has been shut down due to budget cuts. There are no missions to space in the exact time frames I would have been looking for a job as an astronaut. Currently they are being used to produce facts about climate change...and we all know how I feel about that...

The Bible says in Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Many people told me this as a kid when I told them the big plans I had for my life. But what they didn't tell me was that it was coupled with Psalm 37:3 "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness." 

While my intentions may have been good in all my reasons to be an astronaut, God wasn't at the center of what I desired. I loved God, and I wanted Him to make me an astronaut. I was viewing God as a cosmic blessing on my plans and my dreams instead of trusting in the Lord and doing good, even when disappointment and chaos reigned in my life. If I had not been faithful with what God was calling me to do, I wouldn't have met my deepest desire...to inspire and help other people to be better versions of themselves. Had I gone down the space path, at least up to this point in my lifetime, my dreams would have been crushed. Meanwhile, God has formed me and shaped me into ministry where I get to work with - and hopefully help people - become better versions of themselves every day with God being the power behind my work. In a way, I am getting to do my original #1 reason I wanted to be an astronaut...I'm doing what most people consider impossible.

While I know it's a limited view right now, it's enough to step back and say, "Wow God, you really had my back on that one." I'm sure it will become more and more evident as time goes on why I'm on this road, but it's enough to look to the sky and say even "if we are faithless, [God] remains faithful - for he cannot deny himself." (2 Timothy 2:13b)

So for now my exploration of space will be limited to the new Star Wars in December and watching the new TV series of "Astronaut Wives." I'll pull the start chart out every once in a while while we are camping and dream other planets from the back of our truck. But on the bright side, God still hasn't closed the door on me learning how to fly a plane. Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

Living with PTSD

Many times on this blog, I've mentioned one of two things: my struggle with my depression and my PTSD. I am not a war vet, so many people don't even know I have it. Plus, I would never compare myself to any of them when it comes to bravery and honor. These people make life altering decisions to protect my freedom. No, my PTSD came from what happened to me at 15. I, along with my family, were victims of a home invasion. And it has fundamentally changed my life.

Initially, I wanted to just forget that it happened. As a teenager, I didn't want to go to a counselor or admit that anything was wrong. I wanted to be normal. I remember I missed that morning at school after being up until 2:00 AM with police as they investigated my house. When I arrived at lunch time, all my friends were asking where I had been. Many reacted with total shock when they heard and treated me weird afterwards. I had flashbacks walking down the stairs from classes, in the halls. I constantly felt paranoid and couldn't calm myself. I didn't understand why it happened or why I couldn't just shake it off. I remember wondering if there was ever going to be a day where I didn't think about it. If these men had stolen my ability to think about anything else. 

Thankfully high school kept me stressed out enough I could focus all my energy on that rather than why I couldn't get past my brush with death. Unfortunately, that caused my college years to be chaotic. Emotions always ran high. I frequently had insomnia or just always wanted to sleep. I would shut down if something became too overwhelming and many times, I barely had the motivation to continue with my studies. Living with my best friends helped immensely. Meeting Jared got me through many of my rough patches, especially when I went to live on my own at the end of my schooling. But I couldn't deny my bouts of depression, frequent nightmares and outbursts of anger any longer. I struggled with God, wondering why I couldn't overcome my issues. I experienced his deep love at the bottom of my pit my junior year of college. But it wasn't until graduation and getting married that I realized my issues were much deeper and I really needed help. 

Thankfully, when I moved to Dallas I was referred to a really great counselor. At the beginning, I was really frustrated because I was diagnosed with PTSD. I resented feeling labeled. Yet, as I met with her and she explained some of the symptoms and ways to manage them, I realized it wasn't a label, it was a method of getting better. My nightmares were normal. My insomnia, flashbacks, anger, paranoia, all were explained and methods to deal with them were then introduced to me. I had an unrealistic expectation that I could "cure myself" where I never had to deal with it again. But God actually used my work with trafficking survivors to help me see that I was going to have good and bad days. That the symptoms would diminish, but not necessarily always go away forever. I would ask God why he wouldn't just take it away. But I realize he has taken something terrible that has happened to me and made it a way to remind me to always trust in God. Paul mentioned he had a thorn in his side that God never took away. Mine seems to be PTSD. 

So what does it look like to live with PTSD? For starters, you have to realize that your brain has been structurally transformed due to the prolonged stress. Fight or flight responses are great for survival. However, if constantly turned on, they actually form additional channels of neurons to help deal with the stress. Post-trauma, if any of these neurons fire due to just a little amount of stress, it can trigger the same emotions that you felt when the trauma was occurring. Some of these things can be big. A kid pointed a stick at me while I was jogging in the park the other day. He was playing pretend and was an army dude "protecting the bridge." The kid didn't know doing that was going to cause me to have a flash back. But I did. Thankfully, I knew how to deal with it using a grounding technique my counselor taught me. A mile down the trail. I was feeling shaken, but relatively confident no one was pointing a gun at me.

Yet, small things can do it too. Just the other day, Jared and I were geocaching. We couldn't find the darn thing. We were bushwacking and getting frustrated and I got so overwhelmed I began to cry. Obvious to any other person, a geocache isn't worth crying for. But the constant weaving in and out of bushes and getting poked by thorns set me off where I just broke. But, thankfully, I knew it was normal for someone with my brain to get upset by that. I reassured myself that we weren't in any real danger. Then two minutes later, I was fine. Plus we found the geocache haha. So, it's just a good thing for others to know, I might get overwhelmed for a couple of minutes, and I just need to cry it out sometimes. My brain is bringing all the emotions of my past and crashing them into my present. It takes me a bit to regain control, but I'm learning how to do it better and better these days.

Secondly, for me, I need to feel accepted by those that I love. It's hard to let your guard down and be vulnerable to a person when you have been assaulted. I tell Jared all the time to show me he loves me. I desire recent evidence to allow me to feel safe in our marriage, that I am accepted with my crazy brain and all. I know he's not perfect and thankfully, forgiveness runs rampant in our household, because we both need it. But when he does show me how much he loves me, it helps me immensely to be able to feel secure. Husbands and wives...show your spouse you love them. They often feel like weirdos and outcasts even without PTSD. Showing them they are VALUED helps the healing go a long way. 

And thirdly, know that because of what has happened to me, God has implanted a deep empathy in my heart for those that go through traumatic experiences. Dr. Tomi Grover said it best that God uses the gloriously ruined to rescue those whom God wants to gloriously rescue. I understand on a deep level the shame and insecurities that come with constantly battling the past and trying to not let it affect your future. He has given me a deep love for people. That love has since transcended into my calling. 

While everyone is different in how they deal with it, I hope me being raw and real helps you, the reader, understand a little bit more about how complex stress and emotions can become when living with PTSD. Sometimes, I don't know how to explain myself and my crazy habits sometimes. Lord bless Jared when he married me! Yet, honestly, if I could go back and do it all over again, I wouldn't change anything. While I know I might not ever be "cured," I also know that living with PTSD causes me to rely on God more than ever and to reach out to people who need him all the more. And I can say I am truly thankful for that. 

The Millennial Disconnect

So I'm in that awkward stage of generations where I'm not quite an '80s baby, but I wasn't a '90s child either. I remember not having cell phones and I love being "off the grid." Yet I embrace new technology with anticipation and excitement. Growing up, I've always gotten along with those older than me and had very few friends younger than me. What makes me laugh is that "scientists" or "modern anthropologists" have tried to give my generation so many names. Yet none of them seem to really define any of us, do they? So whether we are generation XY or Millennials or whatever the names may be this day, I do see a common thread among all of us...a disconnect from reality.

There are many blog posts out there and talk show figures that lament over the bloggers and social media posters that sit in their underwear and type their opinions onto a computer screen and post them to see the world. What always makes me laugh is if they are complaining about people wearing underwear, those talk heads have bigger issues. :) I personally like wearing underwear while writing thank you very much.

All kidding aside, I understand their concerns. Many of the opinions on the web lack the "reality" that is needed to have common sense behind some of these opinions. I never thought I would become that older, cynical girl who wonders if a youngster has what it takes to work in the "real world." Yet I became that women as I sat at the Dallas Aggie Muster Ceremony and I heard all the accolades of the recipients of the scholarship recipients. I once had an outstanding resume in high school like many of these kids. It didn't mean squat once I reached college and failed my physics classes. It REALLY didn't mean anything when I had to go find a real job and work hard with a team of highly varied personalities. I sat through that ceremony and wondered, "Would I hire them for any of my internships?" Sadly, just based on what I heard, the answer was no.

It is easy to get cynical, especially in the ministry I am involved in, when most people think being involved with human trafficking means drawing a red X on your hand and posting it to social media. I used to walk around campus without shoes to support the work of TOMS. But what difference was I actually making besides picking up all the dirt around College Station? I frequently tell students it's not about a hashtag or wearing a specific bracelet. I want to know what work are you actually doing that makes a direct difference in the lives you wish to impact? Are you going and presenting to churches? Are they coming back with resources? Are you going into brothels and ministering to the women where you are? Are you raising money? Are you going on a mission trip? Does it come up in normal conversation with others because it is actually something so close to your heart?

I don't want to criticize anyone for not doing any of these things because I know that God hasn't called everyone to it. Some of you are supposed to be mothers and fathers. Some of you are supposed to focus on school, or your current job or any other social issue that God has placed on your heart. But what I think we all need to learn is that once God has placed something in your heart and called you to reach out to those he wants to reach, it is up to you to actually put in the effort.

The millennial effect is to say, "Sure God" but only put forth the effort that doesn't dramatically affect your current everyday schedule. The disconnect is to think that if you post it on social media or put together a "movement day" that you are having a direct impact on the people God is calling you to reach. It's the equivalent of the rich man who wanted to follow Jesus. But when Jesus told him he would have to sell all his possessions, he ended up not following him as a disciple. Many of us love our comfort more than we love our Christ and we allow that to keep us from doing the work he has called us to do.

So if you're being called to human trafficking, I got a spot for you haha. If you are being called to another aspect of ministry, go to it with all haste. But don't get sucked into the idea of the Millennial Disconnect. Don't allow the idea that you are entitled to comfort while serving your God to keep you from the impact he actually wants to make on the world through you.

Let's start an actual important conversation...

When I worked with Fellowship Church, you always had that awkward moment where when someone asks what you do and I say, "I'm a Children's Pastor." They kinda look at you weird and go "Oh!" or "Cool!" and that's the end of the conversation because now you have broken an important rule of building relationships: Don't bring up religion. I never thought it could get worse.

I was wrong.

I was in a long line at Starbucks waiting to order and a neighboring customer said hi and struck up a conversation. Naturally we get to careers and saying I was the director of a faith based non-profit that fights human trafficking was like the sum epitome of relational rule breaking. I now have now brought up religion, politics and sex. Don't you love talking to me already? I think the only thing that could be a worse conversation starter was Starbuck's #RaceTogether campaign. Those poor baristas...

But if you want to start a conversation with me you are going to hear how much I love God. You will hear how much I believe he has called me to this work. And you are going to hear about how much God is changing me just as much as he is changing the women we build relationships with.

Just last weekend we had a training with a fantastic women named Bonnie Martin. She has counseled thousands of clients and specifically works with human trafficking victims and those suffering from complex trauma. She introduced us to neuroscience that showed us images of the brain post-trauma and how it structurally redesigns the brain. It was incredible to learn how this restructuring leads to certain behavioral changes and why these women we work with think the way they do. Of course, without fail, God taught me a little bit more about myself as I struggle with my PTSD. I was able to understand how my brain works even more and what I can do to balance my life with the symptoms that occasionally interject themselves into my life.

But the most important piece to the puzzle was when she discussed shame. It will be very hard for me to sum up what I heard over two days from such an eloquent woman, but I will do my best because I feel it is so important.

Shame bring three things: secrecy, isolation and insecurity. Think about when you steal a cookie at age 5. You do it in secrecy. You isolate yourself to eat it. Then you are insecure the whole day on whether your mom or dad is going to find out. Right? Well, what Ms. Martin's point to her speech was that we don't just have a sin problem, but we also have a shame problem. In Genesis, it says that Adam and Eve, freshly created, were naked in the garden and not ashamed. But once they disobeyed God, they felt immense shame and hid from God. Sin is what keeps us from God. Shame is what keeps us from living past it. She then gave us three examples of people with shame from the Bible.

Moses was a traumatized baby. He survived white-water rafting down the Nile river and was adopted into an Egyptian family where he had identity issues and developed and anger management problem. He then killed a man in his anger, hid the body (secrecy) then ran away from home (isolation). He was so ashamed of what he did he could barely overcome his insecurity when God started talking to him from the burning bush. Thankfully, he learned to overcome his shame and lead the people out of Egypt.

Saul's story wasn't so happy. He had inherited shame socially as the youngest brother of the lowest family of the lowest tribe. When Samuel anointed him and held a banquet for him he didn't tell his family (secrecy) and hid on the day it was supposed to be announced that he was the first king of Israel (isolation). He was always insecure about his leadership role as shown by him not waiting for Samuel to come sacrifice before going into battle and by how he perceived David as a threat to his throne. He never overcame his shame.

Rahab had imposed shame. Historically, I learned that she was probably a prostitute as much as a girl being trafficked today was (aka forced to do it). Her story might be similar to many of the girls that come into our program where she was probably first trafficked at age 12 or 13. However, it was a way to survive in a culture hostile to women. She probably had so much shame from how society viewed her and she had to deal with that her whole life. However, as a survivor, she had heard of the God of the Israelites that wiped their enemies out. When she came across the Israeli spies, she saw an opportunity to save herself and her family. Yet, when the Israeli spies told her to put the scarlet cord in the window, she had a tough decision. Scarlet was the color associated with sexually immorality (Scarlet Letter anyone?) and so so save herself, she had to broadcast her occupation to the community. Thankfully she didn't let her shame from her occupation stop her and she became part of the lineage of Jesus.

See how it wasn't just the sins of the individual people that caused them to hesitate when God called them? It was the shame of their sins that they had to overcome. Those in the Bible that were able to understand that God knew every secret about them and yet still loved them allowed them to overcome their shame and move on to do the great God had called them to do.

I'm sure as I'm writing this some of the shame that you still keep secret in your heart might be coming to mind. When I was thinking about it, I had some things that I was ashamed of come to mind instantly. And yet, as we celebrate Easter, it is so good to know that our Savior knew we were going to face shame. With this knowledge he underwent severe beatings and mocking, taking the shame that he didn't deserve with him as he was paraded down the street to his death. With his resurrection, we see that he overcame the sin that keeps us from God, but he also overcame the shame that allows us to experience true liberty from our shame in His glory.

Do you really want to start a conversation? Let's talk about how the sin and the shame that we deal with as a human beings causes many of the problems that we see today, including human trafficking. People in pain inflict pain on others. Let's talk openly about how the answer to the sin and shame problem is getting squashed in our schools and our politics. Let's talk about how it's taboo to bring God up in conversation. Let's talk about the messes in life that the directives of God can help us heal and avoid in the future. Let's talk about how we can still be reflections of Christ without having to be perfect ourselves.

My hope is that if we can start having this real, actually important conversation, we can see real hope and change occur in our society. Isn't that a beautiful thing to imagine?

Happy Easter everyone. Remember that God loves you and you don't have to live in shame any more.

I Don't Trust Very Well

It's an ongoing theme here in my brain...I am not one to trust people. My poor husband, bless his heart, went through the toughest "interrogation" period before we started dating before I trusted him enough to go out on a date with him.

I have a hard time trusting the people closest to me too. I read into things that people do (or don't do) and take things very personally. I'm an ideal-est having to adjust to a realistic world.

While we can have a whole discussion on my issues with that adjustment, I want to talk about how that personality trait affects my relationship with God. Maybe some of you can relate.

When I have big decisions to make or am going through a rough time, it's easy for me to turn to God and not trust him to come through for me. In the past, I have frequently pointed to all the bad things in my life and told God he was responsible for those and I didn't trust for him to not do it again. Or, if I am supposed to be waiting for God to answer a question I have or give me guidance on a situation, I frequently want the answer on my timing. I don't want to be patient for God because doesn't he see the deadline I have or the looming disaster that could happen if I don't know in time?

Then, because I don't trust him I get angry. I start yelling at him in my brain and accusing him of being late or absent or not caring about what's going on in my life. I think about things to do to disobey him just to show that I don't approve of how he runs things. But then, after I have cried into my pillow a bit I realize that he's such a patient Daddy, that he lets me have my temper tantrum like a five year old. Then he calmly says, I'm still here. I still love you and I'm not going anywhere. He reminds me that even if I can't see it, he's preparing me for something bigger than what I am even thinking. And then he asks the question:

Do you trust me?

It's these pivotal moments that seem so inconsequential. Step by step he leads us to where he wants us. Every time we get tired or angry that we haven't arrived yet he lets us express our emotions, calms us down and continues to ask us if we trust him. Before we know it, if we keep saying yes, we begin to see all the crazy things he has for us! I have the benefit to seeing my journey through college and see all the points where I said yes when I could have told him no and walked away. I am glad to say, I'm joyful I said yes every time. And the best part is, I know this is only the beginning.

I just want to encourage anyone that's reading this, that you may be going through a similar patch of life. You might be walking down this trail and wondering where the trail is even going. I just want to encourage you to say that if you faithfully keep telling God you trust him, you will not believe the incredible things you can do. The best part is, even if we lose faith, God never loses faith in us.

Glutenous Maximus

I had the amazing opportunity to take dance lessons growing up. It kept me active and socially involved even though my body frame wasn't an "ideal" for a dancer. One of my teachers, Ms. Jennie, was my favorite. Instead of telling us to "tuck our butts in" and keep our back straight, she would refer to it as our "Gluteus Maximus" as the word "Butt" was not appropriate for a lady to say.

I think of her often now as the word "Gluteous" sounds similar to my made up word "Glutinous," which I now use to describe to the main diet of many Americans today.

Yes. I'm one of those people that has to eat gluten free. And yes, when I tell you that at Pie Five, I really do need you to change your gloves because it really could make me sick and I really appreciate it when you do! I was crushed when I had to start my gluten free diet cold turkey. I instantly (relatively, over the course of a few days) felt better and had more energy. But I was depressed because (believe it or not) I couldn't have Oreos.

More than the fact that I couldn't have oreos, I was depressed because I didn't know what I could eat. All I knew was I got a huge list from the doctor of things I couldn't eat and I was living like a rabbit for a week or so...munching lettuce and drinking smoothies. Thankfully, after a couple of tearful episodes of self pity, my husband and I took to the internet and found some great gluten free recipes and products that we could find at our local HEB.

So if you are thinking of going gluten free for whatever reason, think about these things:

1. The price. Going gluten free can be expensive. This was the hardest for my husband as he don't like spending more than $2.00 a unit on any food product. But, if you stick to non-processed food (aka...things that are naturally gluten free) it can actually be quite affordable. When you start buying gluten free bread and pizza crusts and cookies, it will get much more pricey. Stick to corn and rice as your grains as they are much more affordable and readily found!

2. Gluten is found everywhere! While the obvious source is wheat, there is gluten in a ton of chemically processed foods. It is basically like "edible glue" that food manufacturers use to add different flavors to food. You can find it in deli meats, canned food, candy coatings, cereal and pretty much anything that says "Natural and/or Artificial Flavor." When in doubt, I use my new favorite app called Fooducate! It's $5.00 but it has saved me several headaches when I was about to buy that Kraft cheese or canned chicken broth!

3. Keep it sustainable. I preach that these things are meant to be a marathon and not a sprint. I have been gluten free for almost three years now and in those three years, I have had lots of chocolate, bread and candy...things not normally found on a gluten free diet! But thankfully, we now have lots of options for people that have to eat gluten free (including Oreos!). Even if they are a little pricey, they make their way into my shopping cart every once in a while as my treat for the month. 80/20 rule is crucial...eat 80% of what is good for you and 20% of what makes you happy, even if it might cost a little more. The other side of that is make sure you are getting all the nutrients you need. I keep a food log not just for the calories, but also for the nutrient info. It's a tendency for people who eat gluten free to not get all their needed nutrients. So, I try to keep track of what I'm deficient in and adjust accordingly week to week.

I hope this helps you start thinking about how to start and maintain your gluten free lifestyles. Feel free to ask questions if you need help! I'm not a doctor, but I've figured out how to make this work for me and my family!

Do you have any great tips for eating gluten free?

Goodbye 2014

Hello all my fellow readers!

So today is the day in the blogging world where we go back and reminisce on all that has happened in the last year. I will not be a trail blazer on this one. In fact, I talk about what has happened this year just like everyone else.

Last time I wrote, I was in what I like to call "survival mode." In a time where I was learning new things and adjusting to my new position at our church, I basically had no time and no will to blog. I kinda wanted to...but had no energy and frankly, nothing to say. Last time I talked about watering with salt water and how it may not make sense to us, but ultimately, God is the one who brings the harvest. Usually, he brings it around in a way that makes no sense to us as well.

Well, currently, I haven't seen a ton of harvesting yet. In a time where I talked about focusing on the most important things was getting hard, I lost focus a ton, at least in my opinion. I've allowed to-do lists and deadlines to come before people in many cases and it's not ok. I had a great quiet time a few days ago when I got some rest and realized that I have become quick to judge and quick to frustrate instead of extending grace where I could.  I have always known intellectually that grace and forgiveness costs more to the person giving it instead of the one receiving it. But only now am I truly experiencing it in my heart for the first time. Every time I extend grace I have to let go of the side of me that wants justice. Which, if you know me, justice is the thing I strive for A TON. I have a black and white view of the world and grace messes with that.

But, thankfully, my heart is learning just as much as my brain is. Yesterday, I had a meeting with two very special friends and right when I try to leave work to go meet them, two different men came up to the church asking for help. One was lost and needed directions. The other was looking for money to buy cough syrup for his family who had the flu. Working in downtown Dallas, you get use to the con-artists that come asking for money. But in light of the conversations I've had with God, I knew that this was Him asking me if I was going to blow these men off and not help because I had a meeting to go to, or if I would going to take the time to help and be late to my meeting. Judgemental side of me would have said, "If you weren't prepared, you deserve the consequences and your emergency shouldn't make me late to what I have to do. I'm...after all...a church worker and I have important things to attend to!" But, thankfully, I stopped and realized the situation and took the time to help.

Now I don't say all this as a virtual pat on the back to say "Great job me!" I tell these stories because, in review of 2014, I've had a great year. I ran my first marathon...the culmination of me overcoming a ton of mental and physical struggles I had in 2013. After my marathon, I learned how to deal with my depression that comes as a result of my PTSD. I got the opportunity to work part time at one of the greatest churches in one of the greatest departments. I ran coast to coast with my family in what have become some of my fondest memories. Jared and I were blessed with a house. It's been a phenomenal year. But yet, here at the end, I find myself yearning for more.

I got to have a great conversation with my mother-in-law who is also in ministry and she said something great about New Years Resolutions. Instead of making them about varying bars of success, make them about love. I've been all about varying bars of success recently (aka...how many things on my to do list can I knock off!), but this year I think God is calling me to make it even more about showing love to others. So looking forward, I am hoping to have more encounters like yesterday, with people who need help, and less about my crazy long to do lists. People are what God cares about the most. So I'm going to try to align my heart with his even more.

Happy 2015 everyone. I hope God blesses you and your family beyond your wildest imagination!

So I've recently been out of the loop on blogging. For good reason! It's been a bit of an introspective season of my life. I'm learning to be discreet with my words, including blogging, and not just spewing out dirty laundry whenever I feel like it.

I have been learning something very important though. I have talked about having dreams and longings that God has put deep in my heart. I greatly wish for people to get to know Jesus, especially kids. I long for women who have been broken by he sin of this world to have their hope restored by Him. I long to push myself and do things that I never thought I could in order to push my faith and keep myself constantly depending on God to show me the way.

All these dreams are good and in my eyes, worthy of pursing. I have taken the time to mull them over in my mind. Set up reminders of what my dreams are in my room. I've internalized them and set up my life around them.

But no one told me what happens when you take your dreams from that lofty space in your head and then try to birth them into the world.

The world has humans in it and therefore, is messy.

People either try to tell you your dream isn't good or worth pursuing. "It's a waste of time and talent!" Situations can place obstacles in your way that you have to overcome. There might be people who oppose your dream and directly try to stop it.

But what I've learned is that the important thing about bringing dreams into the world is focus. It's so easy to get caught up in the things that are impeding your dream that you focus on those rather than why you started the process of bringing your dreams into reality. Recently, I had a Sunday at church where everything seemed to be going wrong. While we had a "great" weekend as far as programing and tons of kids, I considered the weekend a miss because I focused on all the things that went wrong instead of pushing on and focusing on connecting to the parent's and kids that God brought to church that morning. I can get so focused on all the things that don't go right, that I forget to do the thing that I came to do in the first place!

This is the mentality that makes or breaks dreams. When I first started running, I thought that I had to follow a training schedule perfectly. And if I missed a workout, then the whole dream was ruined because I didn't do it perfectly. But that's the mentality the devil wants us to have when it comes to furthering the Kingdom of God. God doesn't demand perfection. He just asks for you to bring everything that you have. He then takes your natural and makes it supernatural.

So as you pursue your dreams, whether it be training for a big race or changing the world, don't forget to keep the vision of your dream the focus of your work. Don't get distracted by what isn't going the way you want it to. Simply bring you best, and let God do the rest!

Nike Woman's Half Marathon

I knew it had been a while since I posted. But I didn't know it had been THIS long!

Also late, is my post about our recent trip and race in Washington D.C.! Mom and I had a blast touring and racing. I PRed by 8.5 minutes on a gorgeous course. The race was really well run. But don't take my word for it. See for yourself!

Running. Where do I start?

So Saturdays are usually the days that I go for my long runs! I get a ton of questions on how I started running and how others can start. So I thought every Saturday, I would give little tips for people!

Where better to begin, than the beginning?

First thing you need to decide before you even set out is to have a goal. Some of you, your goal might just to be start running. Great! Get going! Some of you, you might want to lose weight, get healthier or run a race of any distance. Once you have it, write it down! And put it in a place you will see it all the time. This could be on your fridge, or even setting a reminder for the same time every day on your phone! When you write it down, you are much likelier to do it. I have a whole bulletin board with my goals on it right opposite my bed. I see it every night and remind myself on my running goals.

Limits are nothing. Do not doubt yourself and reach for the goal, no matter how unlikely it seems right now! So what do you want to do?

Pushing Through Fear

Hello everyone! I hope you are all doing great! And I don't just say that. I really want you to be doing great!

So each week I have been using this new cool technology to communicate to my volunteers and hopefully encourage them as we go through ministry together. So I figured if I'm going to go through making these videos, then I could probably use them on here too and hopefully encourage more people! So here's my encouragement for the week. Remember, it is geared toward my volunteers but I hope you can find encouragement too!



Volunteer 10-1-12 from Madelyn on Vimeo.

Running Across America finally came back online! Here's last Saturday and Sunday's runs!

Today was our 30 minute run. No intervals. Only walking if we had to! I only walked once for about a minute! I am so proud of myself! This is the run I've been training for! Now all I gotta do is get my 5K under 30 minutes in 3 weeks. I think I can do it!

Here's today's run!

New Directions

Gorgeous sunshine at the park!

Hi everyone! Last post I was pretty down. Struggling with post marathon blues and the eternal winter going on. But recently, the sun has come out! The air is warmer and as I've been getting my usual doses of Vitamin D now, my mood has warmed up considerably as well! There is nothing like the hope of spring and great weather to lift anyone's spirits!

What has also helped, is that I am also realizing where and what I am supposed to be doing next. The last two years have been marked by my steady pursuit of my first marathon. From not being able to run for more than 30 seconds, I conquered health problems and mental blocks to overcome my fear of pain from running. In the meantime, I overcame many other fears, literally anything from guns to gardening. So as I am sitting here post marathon, I don't think I'm done overcoming fears yet. However, a new idea has been forming in my head, and let's just say I have a ton of growing up to do.

Ever since I can remember, I haven't given a whole ton of thought to other people's perception of me. All I knew, was I wanted to be different from everyone else. I recognized a culture deficit going on and I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I liked doing my own thing, regardless of what people thought of me.

Now that I'm older and I have great people speaking into my life, I'm recognizing that sometimes, this desire to be different comes off different than I intend. People have said to me that sometimes I seem stand-off-ish, and until they got to know me, they thought I didn't like them. While I brushed off these comments a few years ago, they are coming back up in my head.

I've always said that I'm basically 8 years old at heart (Jared is 5 haha). I say that because I remember that age where everything seemed wonderful and enjoyable and new, and I want that spirit to be with me as an adult. But I recently heard someone say that you need to be 2/3 adult and 1/3 kid, and you have to be careful not to flip it around. So I'm realizing, that my 8 year old self that just wants to be different and satisfy my craving to explore the world is getting in the way of my authentic relationships. And while I won't get to know everyone that I meet "deeply," I never want them to look at me and say, "She doesn't like me." The old me would say, "Well, they should just stick around and find out the truth." But the newer, questioning me says, "But why would they if someone else seems so much more inviting?"

So to sum up what I've been learning, is that maturity is knowing the fine line of being aware of how people perceive you, without letting everyone's opinions determine your personality. If I look at someone and judge whether or not I want to try to be friends with them, I would be naive to think that they don't do the same to me. The truth is, I love making new friends. But the other truth is, I tend to not show that on the outside. The truth is, I want people to know Jesus. But how can they get to know that if I seem selfish or self absorbed?

So I'm going to work on maturing myself, making sure the way people perceive me matches what is actually going on inside. I have no idea how to do this yet, but thank goodness I have a ton of training miles to sort it all out!

Post Marathon Life

So a few days ago, I talked about my marathon experience briefly. I loved the vacation and the time with my family. I was certainly not ready to come back! But while I think there are a ton of people who like to add their two cents about the marathon weekend, like if it was run smoothly or as spectacular as last year or if they had any corral issues, there are not a ton of people that talk about the days after the marathon. People don't talk about the "Post Marathon Blues." Which, I have experienced, full force.

I had heard it was common to have some post marathon blues. Any time you have a big anticipated event, there's some sadness when it's over. But for me, it was a marked difference pre-marathon and post marathon. Coming back to work was difficult. No one seemed to notice that something big had just happened in my life (that acknowledgment wouldn't come for a few days). My sleep schedule was all crazy (and still is. I haven't gotten back to my sleep schedule and it's been a month!). I didn't have any big things to look to anymore. Combine that with the cold, cold winter and dreary weather it was a recipe for disaster.

The best way I can describe what I've been feeling was this undercurrent of sadness in my chest that seemed to be always present. It is like a river, always flowing. I tried to keep busy by working on some projects or hanging out with friends. This would help keep my mind off of it and the river "small." But any time I didn't have something to distract me, this undercurrent of sadness blossomed into a gigantic river, overflowing the banks and overcoming my feelings. Worse, I couldn't run to cope since I was letting my marathon injuries rest.

I don't think I've beat it yet. But I'm getting better. My best friend and I got a chance to talk as she deals with the same thing. And what I've come up with is that what I learned to get me through the marathon is what I can use to get past the marathon blues! When you get to that point in the race where your body just gives out and you are running on fumes, you have to fight to keep going. Things that used to keep you going in training may or may not work. You have to dig deep inside to keep up the will to keep going.

I've gotten to the point where things I used to enjoy weren't fun anymore. Things that kept me motivated didn't exist anymore and clinically, that's depression. What I've had to do is realize that things that are important haven't changed. Spending time with family. My work. My friends. And most importantly, my relationship with Christ. Sometimes, the good and pleasant feelings come naturally when we think about the things we love. And sometimes, we have to fight for those feelings to come, especially when negativity seems to be coursing through your soul.

I've had to fight for my feelings post marathon. I've had to be dedicated to my Bible studies. I had to choose to believe the best in people and situations when I felt the worst. And more importantly, I had to give myself permission to be ok with not being ok. It's a bit like paddling upstream with only your hands. Many times I wonder why God is allowing this to happen. And yet slowly and inexplicably God is starting to bless my efforts and my prayers and turn the river in my favor, where I'm now gaining speed and going towards where I want to be faster and faster.

As I've been consistently choosing to do all these things (and setting up my new race schedule) I'm starting to get back to what I call "normal me." The negativity is ebbing away and I'm starting to laugh more often, smile more and feel so much happier. To anyone who might deal with the same thing, I'd say a couple of things.

1) Keep doing what you know is right. Choose to be kind. Choose to love others no matter what you feel. Choose to love God even if he seems far away. Choose to be ok with the season you are in no matter how un-content you feel. Dig deep. Yes, if feels futile against the current you are in. But then:

2) Pray for God to change the current. Pray that he bless your efforts to enjoy what you have been given and allow you to see the fruit of what you have been faithful with.

I'll let you know how things are going on my side soon!

We Get Permission to Fail!

I had the most interesting experience yesterday. We had a run scheduled (Tempo Intervals: 2000m with a 400m recovery three times in case anyone was really wondering). I laced up my kicks and grabbed my dog and my husband and I hit the pavement. But as we made it to the park, we found it incredibly crowded! Families of all sizes were out with their shiny new bikes and scooters. Puppies were being walked. Kids were playing in the trails. Soccer games were being played. It was beautiful. I didn't mind that I had to run on the grass often. I was just glad to see everyone out enjoying a beautiful day instead of watching TV on their couches.

We even saw one of my best friends Ashely! You may have heard how awesome she is in an earlier blog post. She was out running too and I was so glad to give her a big sweaty hug! We briefly talked (we're on our runs right?) and as we left, she announced, "Professional runners! Coming through!"

We laughed and I assured her, she's a professional too. But I started looking around and realizing many people out here are starting their "New Years Fitness Plan." They are going to ride their bike, run or walk x amount of days in a week and lose x amount of pounds. My beat up kicks were looking pretty worn out compared to some of the white new sneakers some people were wearing. What started whirring in my head is the question.

"If this is what people's new year resolutions are, how long will it last?"

I have felt different come this new years. I am not starting a new fitness plan, but cumulating a year and a half of training for a marathon. I'm on my third pair of sneakers and the new ones are already not new. And I didn't start this goal at the new year of 2012. I started it in August. Which makes no sense if you know about the heat in Texas in August.

But I stuck with it. So what was it that kept me working a year and a half later to get me to this point? As I mulled it over, I felt like it might help someone out there.

1. I felt that this journey was a calling from Jesus. You may think I'm crazy for saying that. But if you have read my past blog posts, you will realize that I've held this belief from the beginning. I believe that after thinking so negatively for so long, God challenged me to try. He gave me all the equipment I need...I just needed to trust him and go do it.

For once in my life I had goals. It gave me purpose and direction. That purpose and direction in my physical life overflowed into every other aspect of my life. It's a strange, supernatural phenomena. But because I listened to God in my fitness, I was able to hear him more clearly in the rest of my life. What I found is that Jesus gave us a purpose to live, no matter what area of life we are talking about. Jesus said trust Him and and love people. As I ran and wondered what I was doing, I decided to trust God and pray for people that I passed. I found that to be key to keeping me running and key to me making progress in every other goal I've made in day to day life.

2. It's ok not to be perfect. In the past I've made new years resolutions and when I fail on doing it perfectly, I give up all together. When people create art, do you think they do it perfectly from beginning to end? Of course not. That's why we have erasers for pencils and the ability to paint over things! But if an artist gave up the moment they made a mistake on their art pieces, they would never finish some of the beautiful artwork that inspires us today. In fact, some of the mistakes become inspirations to take the art to a totally higher level than they were expecting.

When I train, I don't do all my workouts! I miss some because life happens. I have found it key to forgive myself for missing a workout and getting right back on the workout wagon whenever I can to making sure I stick with my training plan and complete my goals.

What's even better, is that the Bible tells us that we have hope that God will forgive our sins. If you truly trust in Jesus, we can have full confidence that when we fail fighting sin and bad patterns in our lives (that we try to correct with new years resolutions), it will be forgiven and we can start again! The freedom to fail gives us the hope to fight against the sinful parts of our lives!

3. Christ will help us in our fight...if we ask him. I remember some of the early runs and I'm dying at the end. My legs are spent and I can't breathe. I used to repeat over and over in my head "I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me."And you know, I made it through the run. Ironically, I do the same thing whether it's a three mile run or a twenty mile run. I hold the same conviction that Jesus is the source of my hope and my faith and He supernaturally helps in one way or another.

When we come across times where we can't seem to break cycles or the running gets tough or a relationship seems eternally broken, we can ask for help. If we trust God and love people and truly believe that as sons and daughters of Christ that our sins are forgiven, the supernatural will occur in our lives and we will see Christ come through in the fight.

So as you make your resolutions (and I think you should) I hope that you think about the fact that you are launching into something that hopefully, you can sustain longer than just a year. Hopefully, you can trust God to guide you and to build upon your faithfulness.

And remember, 2 Timothy says that even if we are unfaithful, God remains faithful because he cannot deny himself!

Happy New Year everyone.

Say something, I'm giving up.

It's after midnight and I can't fall asleep. I didn't even have hot chocolate or anything with caffeine in it. Instead, I have a song stuck in my head. And after an hour of learning it on the guitar trying to get it all out, it's still eating at me. GT English critical reading essays have ruined me for life I think. So you all get a treat of my insomniac critical essay on the song stuck in my head.

But I think you will like it.

The song in question is called "Say Something," by A Great Big World. It's a beautiful yet slightly haunting melody that I just can't get enough of.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.Immediately, I see two people, not unlike Jared and myself, who are at the end of a particularly frustrating argument. If it's me singing it, it's probably because I've done all the talking and I'm just yearning for him to engage. I'll be his girl, if he wants it. I will follow him anywhere, just like I have in the past. But I need that connection. I need him to talk with me.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Here we see expectations meeting reality. The enormity of the anger, frustration, sadness and loneliness in the relationship is causing me to feel so incapable of solving it. I had expectations of love, but I obviously was naive to think that it would be like what I expected.

But hey. I realize I'm going to mess up. This is my first (and hopefully only) marriage. I'm going to mess up. Just like a toddler, I have to learn to walk before I can run.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

When I feel like I'm getting no response, my corresponding reaction is that I can't communicate with you. My feelings are not getting heard, just causing more pain, more grief, more doubt that I could ever help make this work. So instead of getting hurt more, I'm just going to say goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

And yet, even after all the hurt, all the anguish, I repeat myself just one last time. I still hold out hope that I can somehow, someway, get a positive response...

While I relate to this song on a level in my marriage primarily, I've been thinking that this is much like my friendships sometimes. I'd venture to say, this pops up in almost any relationship of any sort. People we love sometimes don't realize how much we crave their interaction, their affection or their support in our lives and we just cry out in angst for someone to say something, anything, where we don't feel alone. It can be heightened by social media, where we can have so many "friends" yet feel so alone at home.

But as Christmas rolls around and it heightens our sensitivity to our social relationships, I think this song touches a much deeper level of need that people are seeking. In reality, we are looking for unconditional love. Yet, we are seeking it from humans whom are incapable of it.

Now we have all heard that God loves us. But it's a ton easier to believe that God exists rather than believe that an all powerful being cares about me and my going-ons personally. It's hard to believe that he cares about my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, my fears. It's hard to believe that he's as interested in hearing about my day at work as he is about orphans in Africa.

But that's the truth. And yet, sometimes it's so hard to feel that love. It's so hard to feel it and believe it, especially in the hardest and most painful circumstances. It's at that point that we yell out, "Say something!" to God, hoping that we get a burning bush or a parting of the sea to show us his power. We doubt. We say I would have followed you. Yet because I cannot feel you or see any inkling of your interaction with me, I'm giving up on you.

Maybe you have had this kind of interaction with God. Now, Christmas is just a reminder of that struggle with God and the feelings of being alone. But what you have to realize is that during a storm, all you can see are the clouds and the thunder and lightning. It gets really dark and dangerous as the storm builds and starts dumping water everywhere.

When I went running the other day, it was raining at the beginning. But after an hour or so of running through the rain and the cold, the rain stopped, the clouds moved and the sun came out. That got me thinking. Just because it's storming doesn't mean the sun isn't there. It's just hidden. Get in a plane (if it's safe) and pop up through the clouds and it's there. Shining as ever, giving a warm glow. In a life storm, all you may see are the dark and rainy parts. The lighting may frighten you and the thunder may be loud, but God's still there, behind the storm. He will never leave you. The song we may sing in our anguish is, thankfully, not his song.

His song can be found in 2 Timothy chapter 2:
"If we died with him, we will also live with him.
If we endure, we will also reign with him.
If we deny him, he will also deny us.
If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, since he cannot deny himself."

God will always remain faithful, even if we say goodbye to him due to our unbelief. He is love. He is grace. He came to Earth on Christmas to bring you hope that you are not alone in the storm. You are not alone in your struggle or your anguish. You do not have the bear the burdens of your destructive behavior you have now. God came to give himself as a gift to the world. It's like a present under the tree. It's been paid for and wrapped, all you have to do is accept it for your own.

If Jesus were to rewrite some of this song, I think he would say
Say something, I'm coming to you.
I love you and I give my life for you.
Anywhere, I'm always with you.
Say something, yet I'm not giving up on you.