Memorial Day

This weekend will be full of people traveling and grilling and spending time with friends and family. And thank goodness because it's summer! I know friends and family that have much anticipated time off coming up and I am so excited for them.

Jared and I just got back from a whirlwind trip up to Washington D.C. He had work stuff up there and so we made a quick trip out of it. We woke up at 3:00 AM to get on a 5:15 AM flight. We were in DC by 9:00 and we ate breakfast at this awesome place called Wicked Waffle. It was SOOO good! And a great way to start out a touring day.

We started by geocaching along the mall. Most caches there are virtuals (can you imagine the potential bomb threats in DC with physical caches?) but it's fun to go to each monument and learn something new. Jared actually showed me a monument I hadn't been to (what???) for the signers of the Declaration of Independence. We also found the point where they measure all the highway miles on the South Side of the White House.

Mile 0!

I love touring DC. I find that each time I go I find a deeper and more mature appreciation for all the Americans that have gone before us to protect our freedom.

My great uncle, who is on the Vietnam Memorial

Hello Mr. Lincoln

Which is why I was a little disheartened by the second half of our touring. 

We went to the Smithsonian Museum of American History. This is one of my FAVORITE places. We got to go look at the gunboat Philadelphia. It was a small boat that helped delay the British from sailing down the Hudson River and split New York from the other colonies. Had this not happened, we wouldn't have had time to raise and train our army to fight in the Revolution. They found it at the bottom of the river 160 years later and brought it to the museum, cannonballs and artifacts and all. It was so incredible to see what these people did back then. And what drove them? This idea that the government did not have the authority to take all their money and dictate their lives.

What was disheartening was the amount of high school students there on field trips that seemed completely disinterested or were talking through the museum spouting incorrect information. It wasn't just the high school students either. While sitting and meditating about the War of 1812 in front of the flag that flew during that battle (one of the most awe inspiring displays ever) there was a mom who came in with her two year old and told him "Look, it's the very first American flag!" 

*Face palm*

I do admire her bringing her toddler to see American History. But I don't know what does more damage...not bringing your kid or teaching them incorrect information. Never mind that she had just walked through the first part of the exhibit explaining the story behind the flag. But apparently she didn't think it was important enough to get her facts straight before teaching her son something. 

I get it. He's two. There's plenty of time to get the record straight. But this instance, combined with several other examples just in the few hours we were touring, just highlighted to me the lack of interest people have for getting their facts straight. It's why political pundits can just spew lies about stats and history and get away with it. Because no one knows if they are telling the truth because they don't know their facts. Apathy is a killer. And it's people's apathy that is going to trap them from their potential as not just Americans, but as humans. 

Americans have built our nation on the ability to identify a problem and create a solution. Then they refine the solutions until it is the best it can be. But I have seen a trend in history where we balked at our ownership of innovation and told the government to take care of it. That's not the government's job and that's why it fails at many of the things it tries to do (Obamacare website perhaps as one of many examples?). 

While standing in the Lincoln Memorial, I always take time to stand and read the Gettysburg Address engraved on the side of the building. Something stood out to me this time. While standing at this site where so many Americans died, he said there's nothing we, the living, can do to add or subtract from this consecrated ground. Whether or not we dedicate this space makes no difference because the blood spilt makes it a sacred place. Rather, it is us, the ones alive, who should dedicate ourselves to finish the work they started. 

So this Memorial Day, I want to take the time to rededicate myself to the work that so many Americans have started. I'm killing apathy instead of letting it kill me. I want to help make sure that the ideas the Founding Fathers used to create this nation stand. We are nation with a government by the people and for the people. Not a government where some people can bully other people into submission. Not a government where we take more of your money to reward those who break the law or don't work. Not a government where we shame you for being "politically incorrect." Rather, we can, and should be, a government that gets out of your life and allows you to build things that benefits  people. Because American history has shown that when Americans succeed, the whole world benefits.

I'm taking time to do that today. I hope you do too. And God bless America so that we may become who we originally set out to be. 

"Four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.

But, in a larger sense, we can not dedicate -- we can not consecrate -- we can not hallow -- this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us -- that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion -- that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain -- that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth."

Abraham Lincoln

November 19, 1863

Giving Up Control

Control is a weird word. It also bring up some interesting emotional responses in people.

But, let's face it, we all like to have control over things. We like to control what we watch and when we watch it...so we invented the DVR. We like to control traffic and our commute to work so the app Waze was created. We like to control our news feed on Facebook, our news stories, our podcasts...we have phones that allow us to customize it exactly how we want it!

I'm sure it's just me. But maybe someone else might try to control other people around them sometimes...

We like to be able to predict what is going to happen around us and make sure that it comes out in our favor. It's human nature. We try to control others but don't like to be controlled by other people. But many times, when we try to gain control of our situation, we end up losing control of the situation. It's a mix-mashed bag of crazy.

We need to learn how to give up control.

I deal with having to learn to give up control on a daily basis. I'm pretty sure God had me marry a pilot just to break me of my planning habit. I like to plan YEARS in advance when it comes to events and trips. He's been on reserve for way longer than expected and I can never plan for 100% until the month before. It drives me NUTS.

Not to mention, I get to deal with Jared on a daily basis. I'm sure I get frustrated over his decisions sometimes just as much as he gets frustrated over mine. :)

Then, God gave me in interns at work. I know that I need to let them work on their own projects so that they can learn and grow, even from mistakes. Micromanaging won't help. But it's my instinct to make sure every detail is in place!

Then, God gave me the women I work with. Emergencies happen without any warning. You can't plan for emergencies in your schedule and you have to just go with the flow when the needs arise.

Then, God gave me Obama. Everything seems to be going down the drain. I shake my head as I see other people in my generation not caring about politics or the ways in which our government affects our daily lives. Yet, I can't control how people think, vote, or pay attention.

The good news is, I have plenty of opportunity to practice giving up control. What's awesome is that this last weekend in FC Kids, we learned that God is so powerful that he controls everything in the universe. He controls the stars, the blood moon we just got to witness, the things in the ocean, the storms, EVERYTHING! And yet, the one thing he gave up control on was us. He gave up the control to make us worship him. He gave us a choice. His biggest act of love for us was to give us free will. To choose to accept him as Christ or not.

Our biggest act of love sometimes is to give up control of certain situations where we try to control everyone else. My biggest act of love to Jared is to not try to control his likes, habits, schedule, etc. I can really help my interns by not micromanaging. I can't make my sparrows choose wisely...I have to love them enough to know God's going to work all things in their life for his glory. I can't control what happens in my government or what people think. In fact, I think many of our problems would be solved if people just stopped trying to control one another.

What we don't realize though, is that while we are anxious about giving up control, this is the very thing that will help release us from anxiety. When we pray and give up control over something to God, it's a peaceful, calming feeling knowing that he is going to take it over. It only gets stronger the more and more we experience God coming through for us. If we know that God is all powerful and has control over everything, why don't we trust him with it?

So as you go about your weekend today, I hope that this little bit of musing can help you trust God with whatever is going on in your life. After all...we know that we are supposed to be just...

LETTING IT GO!

Benchmarks

It has been HOT this summer.

I'm sure you are thinking, "Thanks Captain Obvious. This is Texas."

Well, it's a statement I feel I need to make sure is on the page so that we all have the same starting place!

Because it has been so hot, running has been such a beat down. I feel like all I do is  run slow and drown in my sweat. Especially when I have track days with the training group. The track gets so hot some of the tar literally melts and attaches itself to the bottom of my shoes. Instead of feeling fast, I feel like I'm dragging a bunch of 20 pound dumbbells behind me.

Each of us in our training has splits we are supposed to try to hit while doing our track run. I've been hitting mine even though the heat has been oppressive. So one day when I wasn't going to be able to join my training group and had to do my track session on the treadmill at home, I had to do some math to figure out what settings I was supposed to use on the treadmill to achieve the same speed I do on the track.

I had to redo my math three times because I thought I kept getting it wrong.

I used to run my speed workout according to my McMillin calculator splits it gave me back in February. That translated to my treadmill by running my interval pace at a 6.0 MPH on the treadmill. Now, my math was telling me I can now do my treadmill pace at a 6.5 MPH.

So while I did my math three times using three different methods to get there, I finally concluded that it would be the correct speed. And sure enough, I was able to do it. The last interval was painful, but that's the same as every track workout!

A similar thing happened in my personal life. I've always felt I wasn't good at remembering Bible verses to help other people when they needed them. I've really dedicated myself this year to reading out of my physical Bible and not my electronic one so that I can highlight and comment to myself in the margins. I was hoping that by doing this, I would remember where in the Bible certain stories and verses that meant a ton to me were located. Sure enough, a situation at work called for me to share some encouraging verses to a woman who needed them. Without hesitation, I was able to recall several verses that ended up helping her calm down. I did a little, "hmmm" to myself afterwards. It was the first time I had been able to do that instantaneously.

What's the point to all this? Oftentimes in our Christian walk, we feel like we aren't making any progress. We keep dealing with the same emotions, the same habits, the same struggles and don't feel like we are getting anywhere. However, it's important for us to have "benchmarks" in our lives to see how we have progressed. We need to have an "old self" to compare to in order to see how God is working in our lives.

So as you go throughout your week or month, take stock of things that you do. Whether you are running faster, lifting stronger, being more intentional with relationships or your walk with God, see what you are doing better or what needs improvement. While we have faith that God will change us, it's nice to be able to see measurable progress. It allows us to be able to go back and say, "Wow God!" and ultimately, give him the glory he deserves!

I Don't Trust Very Well

It's an ongoing theme here in my brain...I am not one to trust people. My poor husband, bless his heart, went through the toughest "interrogation" period before we started dating before I trusted him enough to go out on a date with him.

I have a hard time trusting the people closest to me too. I read into things that people do (or don't do) and take things very personally. I'm an ideal-est having to adjust to a realistic world.

While we can have a whole discussion on my issues with that adjustment, I want to talk about how that personality trait affects my relationship with God. Maybe some of you can relate.

When I have big decisions to make or am going through a rough time, it's easy for me to turn to God and not trust him to come through for me. In the past, I have frequently pointed to all the bad things in my life and told God he was responsible for those and I didn't trust for him to not do it again. Or, if I am supposed to be waiting for God to answer a question I have or give me guidance on a situation, I frequently want the answer on my timing. I don't want to be patient for God because doesn't he see the deadline I have or the looming disaster that could happen if I don't know in time?

Then, because I don't trust him I get angry. I start yelling at him in my brain and accusing him of being late or absent or not caring about what's going on in my life. I think about things to do to disobey him just to show that I don't approve of how he runs things. But then, after I have cried into my pillow a bit I realize that he's such a patient Daddy, that he lets me have my temper tantrum like a five year old. Then he calmly says, I'm still here. I still love you and I'm not going anywhere. He reminds me that even if I can't see it, he's preparing me for something bigger than what I am even thinking. And then he asks the question:

Do you trust me?

It's these pivotal moments that seem so inconsequential. Step by step he leads us to where he wants us. Every time we get tired or angry that we haven't arrived yet he lets us express our emotions, calms us down and continues to ask us if we trust him. Before we know it, if we keep saying yes, we begin to see all the crazy things he has for us! I have the benefit to seeing my journey through college and see all the points where I said yes when I could have told him no and walked away. I am glad to say, I'm joyful I said yes every time. And the best part is, I know this is only the beginning.

I just want to encourage anyone that's reading this, that you may be going through a similar patch of life. You might be walking down this trail and wondering where the trail is even going. I just want to encourage you to say that if you faithfully keep telling God you trust him, you will not believe the incredible things you can do. The best part is, even if we lose faith, God never loses faith in us.

New Directions

Gorgeous sunshine at the park!

Hi everyone! Last post I was pretty down. Struggling with post marathon blues and the eternal winter going on. But recently, the sun has come out! The air is warmer and as I've been getting my usual doses of Vitamin D now, my mood has warmed up considerably as well! There is nothing like the hope of spring and great weather to lift anyone's spirits!

What has also helped, is that I am also realizing where and what I am supposed to be doing next. The last two years have been marked by my steady pursuit of my first marathon. From not being able to run for more than 30 seconds, I conquered health problems and mental blocks to overcome my fear of pain from running. In the meantime, I overcame many other fears, literally anything from guns to gardening. So as I am sitting here post marathon, I don't think I'm done overcoming fears yet. However, a new idea has been forming in my head, and let's just say I have a ton of growing up to do.

Ever since I can remember, I haven't given a whole ton of thought to other people's perception of me. All I knew, was I wanted to be different from everyone else. I recognized a culture deficit going on and I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I liked doing my own thing, regardless of what people thought of me.

Now that I'm older and I have great people speaking into my life, I'm recognizing that sometimes, this desire to be different comes off different than I intend. People have said to me that sometimes I seem stand-off-ish, and until they got to know me, they thought I didn't like them. While I brushed off these comments a few years ago, they are coming back up in my head.

I've always said that I'm basically 8 years old at heart (Jared is 5 haha). I say that because I remember that age where everything seemed wonderful and enjoyable and new, and I want that spirit to be with me as an adult. But I recently heard someone say that you need to be 2/3 adult and 1/3 kid, and you have to be careful not to flip it around. So I'm realizing, that my 8 year old self that just wants to be different and satisfy my craving to explore the world is getting in the way of my authentic relationships. And while I won't get to know everyone that I meet "deeply," I never want them to look at me and say, "She doesn't like me." The old me would say, "Well, they should just stick around and find out the truth." But the newer, questioning me says, "But why would they if someone else seems so much more inviting?"

So to sum up what I've been learning, is that maturity is knowing the fine line of being aware of how people perceive you, without letting everyone's opinions determine your personality. If I look at someone and judge whether or not I want to try to be friends with them, I would be naive to think that they don't do the same to me. The truth is, I love making new friends. But the other truth is, I tend to not show that on the outside. The truth is, I want people to know Jesus. But how can they get to know that if I seem selfish or self absorbed?

So I'm going to work on maturing myself, making sure the way people perceive me matches what is actually going on inside. I have no idea how to do this yet, but thank goodness I have a ton of training miles to sort it all out!

Post Marathon Life

So a few days ago, I talked about my marathon experience briefly. I loved the vacation and the time with my family. I was certainly not ready to come back! But while I think there are a ton of people who like to add their two cents about the marathon weekend, like if it was run smoothly or as spectacular as last year or if they had any corral issues, there are not a ton of people that talk about the days after the marathon. People don't talk about the "Post Marathon Blues." Which, I have experienced, full force.

I had heard it was common to have some post marathon blues. Any time you have a big anticipated event, there's some sadness when it's over. But for me, it was a marked difference pre-marathon and post marathon. Coming back to work was difficult. No one seemed to notice that something big had just happened in my life (that acknowledgment wouldn't come for a few days). My sleep schedule was all crazy (and still is. I haven't gotten back to my sleep schedule and it's been a month!). I didn't have any big things to look to anymore. Combine that with the cold, cold winter and dreary weather it was a recipe for disaster.

The best way I can describe what I've been feeling was this undercurrent of sadness in my chest that seemed to be always present. It is like a river, always flowing. I tried to keep busy by working on some projects or hanging out with friends. This would help keep my mind off of it and the river "small." But any time I didn't have something to distract me, this undercurrent of sadness blossomed into a gigantic river, overflowing the banks and overcoming my feelings. Worse, I couldn't run to cope since I was letting my marathon injuries rest.

I don't think I've beat it yet. But I'm getting better. My best friend and I got a chance to talk as she deals with the same thing. And what I've come up with is that what I learned to get me through the marathon is what I can use to get past the marathon blues! When you get to that point in the race where your body just gives out and you are running on fumes, you have to fight to keep going. Things that used to keep you going in training may or may not work. You have to dig deep inside to keep up the will to keep going.

I've gotten to the point where things I used to enjoy weren't fun anymore. Things that kept me motivated didn't exist anymore and clinically, that's depression. What I've had to do is realize that things that are important haven't changed. Spending time with family. My work. My friends. And most importantly, my relationship with Christ. Sometimes, the good and pleasant feelings come naturally when we think about the things we love. And sometimes, we have to fight for those feelings to come, especially when negativity seems to be coursing through your soul.

I've had to fight for my feelings post marathon. I've had to be dedicated to my Bible studies. I had to choose to believe the best in people and situations when I felt the worst. And more importantly, I had to give myself permission to be ok with not being ok. It's a bit like paddling upstream with only your hands. Many times I wonder why God is allowing this to happen. And yet slowly and inexplicably God is starting to bless my efforts and my prayers and turn the river in my favor, where I'm now gaining speed and going towards where I want to be faster and faster.

As I've been consistently choosing to do all these things (and setting up my new race schedule) I'm starting to get back to what I call "normal me." The negativity is ebbing away and I'm starting to laugh more often, smile more and feel so much happier. To anyone who might deal with the same thing, I'd say a couple of things.

1) Keep doing what you know is right. Choose to be kind. Choose to love others no matter what you feel. Choose to love God even if he seems far away. Choose to be ok with the season you are in no matter how un-content you feel. Dig deep. Yes, if feels futile against the current you are in. But then:

2) Pray for God to change the current. Pray that he bless your efforts to enjoy what you have been given and allow you to see the fruit of what you have been faithful with.

I'll let you know how things are going on my side soon!

Back from the Silent...something...trying to sound cool...

Hello everyone! It's been a while since I've posted. I've been busy getting things for work done, attending different events for Redeemed, decorating for Christmas, spending time with family, etc. Then #iceapocalypse hit Dallas Thursday and it has forced me to slooooowwwww dooooowwwwwnn. Hence, now I have plenty of time to blog!

My favorite picture from our adventure out yesterday.

Jared and I are getting a little stir crazy in our 720 sq ft apartment (and that includes our deck and laundry room/outdoor storage area). We have made Christmas presents, cooked. I attempted to paint my nails and they didn't turn out as bad as usual. We have done laundry, cleaned, discovered Undercover Boss on Netflix and probably spent more time on Facebook and Pinterest than ever before! Problem is, we are running out of things to do!

Jared and I took a walk yesterday and slid around for a bit. Jared attempted to go to work this morning but there were tons of people stranded at the little gas station next to our apartment and police officers were advising everyone to stay home. I have to say, it's not the fact that I have spent three days at home that's really bugging me. It's the fact that I have no other option but to stay home. I don't like it when I can't go out and do things I want on my unexpected time off and that's what is really wearing down on me.

I think about what I would be doing right now if I hadn't been iced in. First, I would have worked a ton more. We would have done a big outreach at the Children's parade, a fun party for foster kids, I would have friends over right now and we would be eating a big pasta dinner in preparation for our marathon relay tomorrow. It may seem overdramatic, but it's almost like I'm grieving over it. These fun things to do with people I love no longer are happening and I'm pretty sad.

I've prayed a ton over the last few days. I've asked God what the deal is and where he is going with this. After all, with the marathon relay, I felt that was something he asked me to do. I am sad we didn't get to invite the people at the Children's parade to church. I'm sad for the kids that were supposed to come to our church this weekend.

But Jared and I in all of our Netflix-ing watched the Polar Express last night. My favorite part of this movie is when the kid had seen the effects of Santa Claus. With the Polar Express and elves (which honestly are a little creepy in that movie) and a giant mound of presents and the reindeer, he still had to choose to believe even if he couldn't see Santa. He had to act on faith. The conductor even said, "Seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can't see."

God obviously doesn't come down in visual form of his glory and power. We would all wig out! But we see the effect of God. We see the changed lives, the peace, the miracles. We feel the effects of God in our emotions and our lives when we do life the way he designed it. It never seems to make sense, like reindeer flying with a sled full of presents for the entire world, but somehow it always works out.

So I'll continue to keep myself busy until we finally see the ice melt. I'm so not looking forward to my workout on the dreadmill tomorrow. Jared's vacuuming right now, and he HARDLY EVER VACUUMS. And even after the ice melts and we go on with our lives, I will continually act on faith, even when the doubt creeps in. God doesn't necessarily make sense, but I believe he knows what he's doing!

Moses and Me

So I have had several awesome things happen over the last couple of days that I really wanted to share with you all! I mentioned in my last post that I was dealing with a ton of doubt. Doubt about myself, Redeemed, church, EVERYTHING it seemed. I was in a funk and having a hard time shaking it.

Well, I've had some great conversations with people. God's been connecting a ton of dots. It would take a long time to explain everything that has happened but God is opening small doors and providing hopeful avenues even when it seems there is no way.

The last few days I've been focusing on waiting and prayer. These are probably some of the hardest things for me to do! I'm a goal oriented, step by step process kind of girl! To not work and just wait for God and to talk to what I sometimes feel is thin air are two things that do not come to mind with someone like me who feels she needs to be doing something in order to feel like she's going somewhere. But, I've been learning a ton about prayer and hoping to get closet to God and on the same page. Not only am I asking him to change me into a person where I can listen better and trust better, but I'm praying that he make the paths for Redeemed straight and the barriers to be removed.

But it's been SLOW!

At the women's conference Monday where Redeemed was blessed with a table, I was able to sit in on the sessions. There, the speaker talked about waiting and she quoted 2 Peter 3:9

"The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance."

I was like, "Ok, God. I feel like I am easy to lose hope in you. I easily try to do things myself because I don't feel you working. Help me in my unbelief. Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I have doubt."

Today rolls around and I went for my run this morning. I listened to Breakaway Ministries where Ben Stewart talked about Moses and talking to the Pharaoh about letting the Israelites free. I realized that God had the power to defeat the Egyptians in one fell swoop. He could have done more supernatural plagues. Why would he tell Pharaoh that the judgement was coming? Why did he remove the plagues when Pharaoh asked? Why didn't he just skip to number 10 if that was what was going to set his people free?

I realized that God uses this pattern with the Israelites too in the prophets of the Bible. He constantly declared judgement and then deferred it when the people turned back to him. It wasn't until they had utterly renounced God that he gave them over to the Babylonians. If you look at God then, he was trying to be merciful to his people. He was trying to get them to repent of their ways and extend them grace. But notice that he never gave up on them. He rescued them from their bondage again and ultimately sent Jesus to save them forever.

If you look at the Pharaoh in that light, I believe that God was also attempting to show mercy to the Egyptians. Ben Stewart talked about how he knew that the "goings on" in Egypt were spread to the entire countryside and he wanted to make his name known. Not in an egotistical way, but because he knew he was what they needed.

God dragged out the process, which I know what frustrating for Moses and the Israelites. But the Bible says that a multitude went with the Israelites out of Egypt and I'm 90% certain that many Egyptians believed in God due to the plagues and went with the Israelites out of Egypt. God's name went out so far that even a prostitute named Rahab had heard of the God of the Israelites before they even arrived at the city walls. God's name went out so far, that centuries later, many who aren't even Christian know this story and can watch it in cartoon form in the "Prince of Egypt."

As I look at this and try to free people in my own culture, some obvious parallels occur. I feel like God is giving me the worst pep talk of the century. He's like, "I've put it on your heart to free these people, but you are going to encounter all these issues along the way." I'm starting to imagine what Moses felt like when God said, "Go tell Pharaoh to let my people go, but I'm going to harden his heart."

However, I believe that if God wanted to, he could free all the men, women and children being trafficked in the world this very instant. He has the power to do that. However, just like he has done for centuries, God likes to use people. It's his favorite medium to work with. God begins with relationships and even though I feel like he's dragging out the process and time is of the essence so no one has to be trafficked ever again, I believe God has a purpose. I believe he has a plan. I believe his name is going to be glorified because of the abolition of trafficking and I pray, that many see this work and accept his graceful love.

Am I frustrated? Yes. Am I patient? Not really. But do I trust?

Absolutely. Because he is faithful, even in my doubt.

Personal, Controversial Jesus Conversation About My Control Issues.

Me and Duchess being goofy together!

I feel like there is a pattern coming around. I feel like starting every blog with:

"WEEEEEEEEEEELL, I've been busy working...."

And it's true. I haven't just been working. I've spent time with my amazing husband, hanging out with Redeemed people...and working. But it's been a decent balance recently of work and rest. I've slowly been unpacking the apartment, have successfully found the post office box (seriously, it was a three day adventure) and I know where the nearest Starbucks is. Win!

I've been feeling in a slump in my running. It's been hot. It's been hard to go and find good running spots too because I've been by myself and don't know where to go that is safe yet. So I've made good use of my treadmill, but my spirit (and my dog) miss being out in nature on a long run through pretty trees. I can't wait for fall.

I also feel a bit at a slump in life. It doesn't help I've been in transition as well. I don't really have a "schedule" yet (whatever that means for someone in ministry who schedules their life around when their husband is home). It's a constant evaluation for me every day to know what my day looks like.

One thing that doesn't change for me is the fact that I have Jesus in my life, particularly in the mornings. I love having my oatmeal in my favorite chair with my coffee and my blanket. Sometimes, Duchess likes to squeeze in with me and we have morning time together. I've been pondering what to read in my Bible next. I've read all of it now a couple times. So as I pondered and prayed this morning, something struck me that I wanted to share.

I've been listening to C. S. Lewis on tape. Specifically, Mere Christianity. I got to a point where he talks about people's perception of Jesus. I recently had a conversation with a teenager at church where he was struggling with the idea of Jesus being the Son of God. I think many people struggle with that. They like the idea of him being a good teacher because then they can pick and choose what makes them feel better and leave out the parts they don't like or that challenge their way of living. Jesus didn't leave room for people to accept him as just a good teacher. What he said was extremely counter-cultural. It upset the people in power. In John chapter 14, He said, "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." So you either have to accept that he is who he says he is, or he's a lunatic. I don't know about you, but if someone came up to me and said he was the Son of God, I'd be weirded-out.

Brant Hansen said it this way recently; what if Jesus was a short, Iranian man who talked about things that were extremely counter-cultural (like...don't use Facebook or dress modest!) and only answered your questions with vague stories that left you asking more questions than you had in the first place? What if his entire family (except him of course) were criminals? Would you believe he was the Son of God? Would he look or seem like someone who you would give your life for, based on faith that this counter cultural man says that he loves you?

Then I thought about this as I ate my oatmeal this morning. What if I had lunch with Jesus? What if we got some Gluten Free stuff at P. F. Changs today and got to sit at the table together, face to face. What would I want to ask?

My gut response was, "How do I get people to care?" It's been something that has bothered me for a while now. I don't know how people see things that go on around them and not help. Why do people say they love Jesus, and then don't help the people who need to see his love the most? It's hard for me to realize other people haven't had the same experience as me when it comes to realizing Jesus loves them and wants us to love others the same. They are in a different part of the journey and that's ok.

But as I went through my day today, I pondered a ton more on why I would ask that question. Long story short, I think I would ask that question because I struggle with grace.

I have grown up thinking if I do A, B and C then God will reward me with D. If I tithe, read my Bible, go to church, help those that he places in my life, then he will help me through the rough times and make the big things happen perfectly. I realized in college this doesn't stand up to anything God has in mind for my life. But I still struggle with the idea that if something isn't going the way I think it should, maybe I'm not doing something right. Maybe my relationship with God is off or I'm not in His will. This is of course, ludicrous. God never says that it will work like that but I struggle with my perception of Christianity looking like karma. If I do good things, good thing will happen to me.

Right now, things aren't going like I want. Jared is home a whopping 11 days next month. He won't get to run my half marathon with me. We won't get to watch any Aggie games together. I struggle with the fact that he's not flying. The picture that others painted for us of what life for us would look like in his job schedule is nothing like our reality. I'm struggling with the future of my job with our new campus opening up. I don't know what I'm going to be asked (or worse...not asked) to do! I'm struggling with Redeemed as I tell people about what happens in their city and they don't step up to help in the cause.

But, if you notice, what I'm struggling with are things that are completely out of my control! I have no way to influence how Jared's job goes. I have no influence on what our new campus will look like. I have no influence on who comes and goes with Redeemed. There is literally nothing I can do to change the outcome to what I want it to look like. Everything is in God's hands. Meanwhile, I sit here by myself and look into a very foggy future. I don't know what my next week will look like, much less the next month. That's a hard thing for a major planner like me.

So, I'm sitting here crying. However, also thankful that even though I don't have control of every situation going on in my life, I know who does. He's already shown me in the past he has everything taken care of even if I don't realize it at first. I can look at that and place my faith on what he's already done.

Thankfully, I can also look at the world around me that he created and I know that he is creating something in my life just as beautiful. He's creating something just as wondrous as the trees I run under, just as magnificent as my big Texas sunsets that I see planes flying through and just as magical as the bright starry skies with the moon lighting up the night. I've given my life to him and love him with all my heart.

If I were to sit across the table from Jesus, I would ask something different than my original question now that I have thought about it. I would ask, "Can you just reassure me that you love me, and give me the power to trust you more?" I hope, and would like to think, that he wouldn't give me some vague story or leave me with an answer that causes me to go, "Wha...????"

He would look at me, smile, and simply say "Always."