Let's start an actual important conversation...

When I worked with Fellowship Church, you always had that awkward moment where when someone asks what you do and I say, "I'm a Children's Pastor." They kinda look at you weird and go "Oh!" or "Cool!" and that's the end of the conversation because now you have broken an important rule of building relationships: Don't bring up religion. I never thought it could get worse.

I was wrong.

I was in a long line at Starbucks waiting to order and a neighboring customer said hi and struck up a conversation. Naturally we get to careers and saying I was the director of a faith based non-profit that fights human trafficking was like the sum epitome of relational rule breaking. I now have now brought up religion, politics and sex. Don't you love talking to me already? I think the only thing that could be a worse conversation starter was Starbuck's #RaceTogether campaign. Those poor baristas...

But if you want to start a conversation with me you are going to hear how much I love God. You will hear how much I believe he has called me to this work. And you are going to hear about how much God is changing me just as much as he is changing the women we build relationships with.

Just last weekend we had a training with a fantastic women named Bonnie Martin. She has counseled thousands of clients and specifically works with human trafficking victims and those suffering from complex trauma. She introduced us to neuroscience that showed us images of the brain post-trauma and how it structurally redesigns the brain. It was incredible to learn how this restructuring leads to certain behavioral changes and why these women we work with think the way they do. Of course, without fail, God taught me a little bit more about myself as I struggle with my PTSD. I was able to understand how my brain works even more and what I can do to balance my life with the symptoms that occasionally interject themselves into my life.

But the most important piece to the puzzle was when she discussed shame. It will be very hard for me to sum up what I heard over two days from such an eloquent woman, but I will do my best because I feel it is so important.

Shame bring three things: secrecy, isolation and insecurity. Think about when you steal a cookie at age 5. You do it in secrecy. You isolate yourself to eat it. Then you are insecure the whole day on whether your mom or dad is going to find out. Right? Well, what Ms. Martin's point to her speech was that we don't just have a sin problem, but we also have a shame problem. In Genesis, it says that Adam and Eve, freshly created, were naked in the garden and not ashamed. But once they disobeyed God, they felt immense shame and hid from God. Sin is what keeps us from God. Shame is what keeps us from living past it. She then gave us three examples of people with shame from the Bible.

Moses was a traumatized baby. He survived white-water rafting down the Nile river and was adopted into an Egyptian family where he had identity issues and developed and anger management problem. He then killed a man in his anger, hid the body (secrecy) then ran away from home (isolation). He was so ashamed of what he did he could barely overcome his insecurity when God started talking to him from the burning bush. Thankfully, he learned to overcome his shame and lead the people out of Egypt.

Saul's story wasn't so happy. He had inherited shame socially as the youngest brother of the lowest family of the lowest tribe. When Samuel anointed him and held a banquet for him he didn't tell his family (secrecy) and hid on the day it was supposed to be announced that he was the first king of Israel (isolation). He was always insecure about his leadership role as shown by him not waiting for Samuel to come sacrifice before going into battle and by how he perceived David as a threat to his throne. He never overcame his shame.

Rahab had imposed shame. Historically, I learned that she was probably a prostitute as much as a girl being trafficked today was (aka forced to do it). Her story might be similar to many of the girls that come into our program where she was probably first trafficked at age 12 or 13. However, it was a way to survive in a culture hostile to women. She probably had so much shame from how society viewed her and she had to deal with that her whole life. However, as a survivor, she had heard of the God of the Israelites that wiped their enemies out. When she came across the Israeli spies, she saw an opportunity to save herself and her family. Yet, when the Israeli spies told her to put the scarlet cord in the window, she had a tough decision. Scarlet was the color associated with sexually immorality (Scarlet Letter anyone?) and so so save herself, she had to broadcast her occupation to the community. Thankfully she didn't let her shame from her occupation stop her and she became part of the lineage of Jesus.

See how it wasn't just the sins of the individual people that caused them to hesitate when God called them? It was the shame of their sins that they had to overcome. Those in the Bible that were able to understand that God knew every secret about them and yet still loved them allowed them to overcome their shame and move on to do the great God had called them to do.

I'm sure as I'm writing this some of the shame that you still keep secret in your heart might be coming to mind. When I was thinking about it, I had some things that I was ashamed of come to mind instantly. And yet, as we celebrate Easter, it is so good to know that our Savior knew we were going to face shame. With this knowledge he underwent severe beatings and mocking, taking the shame that he didn't deserve with him as he was paraded down the street to his death. With his resurrection, we see that he overcame the sin that keeps us from God, but he also overcame the shame that allows us to experience true liberty from our shame in His glory.

Do you really want to start a conversation? Let's talk about how the sin and the shame that we deal with as a human beings causes many of the problems that we see today, including human trafficking. People in pain inflict pain on others. Let's talk openly about how the answer to the sin and shame problem is getting squashed in our schools and our politics. Let's talk about how it's taboo to bring God up in conversation. Let's talk about the messes in life that the directives of God can help us heal and avoid in the future. Let's talk about how we can still be reflections of Christ without having to be perfect ourselves.

My hope is that if we can start having this real, actually important conversation, we can see real hope and change occur in our society. Isn't that a beautiful thing to imagine?

Happy Easter everyone. Remember that God loves you and you don't have to live in shame any more.

We Get Permission to Fail!

I had the most interesting experience yesterday. We had a run scheduled (Tempo Intervals: 2000m with a 400m recovery three times in case anyone was really wondering). I laced up my kicks and grabbed my dog and my husband and I hit the pavement. But as we made it to the park, we found it incredibly crowded! Families of all sizes were out with their shiny new bikes and scooters. Puppies were being walked. Kids were playing in the trails. Soccer games were being played. It was beautiful. I didn't mind that I had to run on the grass often. I was just glad to see everyone out enjoying a beautiful day instead of watching TV on their couches.

We even saw one of my best friends Ashely! You may have heard how awesome she is in an earlier blog post. She was out running too and I was so glad to give her a big sweaty hug! We briefly talked (we're on our runs right?) and as we left, she announced, "Professional runners! Coming through!"

We laughed and I assured her, she's a professional too. But I started looking around and realizing many people out here are starting their "New Years Fitness Plan." They are going to ride their bike, run or walk x amount of days in a week and lose x amount of pounds. My beat up kicks were looking pretty worn out compared to some of the white new sneakers some people were wearing. What started whirring in my head is the question.

"If this is what people's new year resolutions are, how long will it last?"

I have felt different come this new years. I am not starting a new fitness plan, but cumulating a year and a half of training for a marathon. I'm on my third pair of sneakers and the new ones are already not new. And I didn't start this goal at the new year of 2012. I started it in August. Which makes no sense if you know about the heat in Texas in August.

But I stuck with it. So what was it that kept me working a year and a half later to get me to this point? As I mulled it over, I felt like it might help someone out there.

1. I felt that this journey was a calling from Jesus. You may think I'm crazy for saying that. But if you have read my past blog posts, you will realize that I've held this belief from the beginning. I believe that after thinking so negatively for so long, God challenged me to try. He gave me all the equipment I need...I just needed to trust him and go do it.

For once in my life I had goals. It gave me purpose and direction. That purpose and direction in my physical life overflowed into every other aspect of my life. It's a strange, supernatural phenomena. But because I listened to God in my fitness, I was able to hear him more clearly in the rest of my life. What I found is that Jesus gave us a purpose to live, no matter what area of life we are talking about. Jesus said trust Him and and love people. As I ran and wondered what I was doing, I decided to trust God and pray for people that I passed. I found that to be key to keeping me running and key to me making progress in every other goal I've made in day to day life.

2. It's ok not to be perfect. In the past I've made new years resolutions and when I fail on doing it perfectly, I give up all together. When people create art, do you think they do it perfectly from beginning to end? Of course not. That's why we have erasers for pencils and the ability to paint over things! But if an artist gave up the moment they made a mistake on their art pieces, they would never finish some of the beautiful artwork that inspires us today. In fact, some of the mistakes become inspirations to take the art to a totally higher level than they were expecting.

When I train, I don't do all my workouts! I miss some because life happens. I have found it key to forgive myself for missing a workout and getting right back on the workout wagon whenever I can to making sure I stick with my training plan and complete my goals.

What's even better, is that the Bible tells us that we have hope that God will forgive our sins. If you truly trust in Jesus, we can have full confidence that when we fail fighting sin and bad patterns in our lives (that we try to correct with new years resolutions), it will be forgiven and we can start again! The freedom to fail gives us the hope to fight against the sinful parts of our lives!

3. Christ will help us in our fight...if we ask him. I remember some of the early runs and I'm dying at the end. My legs are spent and I can't breathe. I used to repeat over and over in my head "I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me."And you know, I made it through the run. Ironically, I do the same thing whether it's a three mile run or a twenty mile run. I hold the same conviction that Jesus is the source of my hope and my faith and He supernaturally helps in one way or another.

When we come across times where we can't seem to break cycles or the running gets tough or a relationship seems eternally broken, we can ask for help. If we trust God and love people and truly believe that as sons and daughters of Christ that our sins are forgiven, the supernatural will occur in our lives and we will see Christ come through in the fight.

So as you make your resolutions (and I think you should) I hope that you think about the fact that you are launching into something that hopefully, you can sustain longer than just a year. Hopefully, you can trust God to guide you and to build upon your faithfulness.

And remember, 2 Timothy says that even if we are unfaithful, God remains faithful because he cannot deny himself!

Happy New Year everyone.

Love Wins

I have had the most draining, excruciating, gut-wrenching couple of weeks. If you have ever looked at your life and wondered why it seems like it’s always one thing after another, you understand how I feel.

I was all excited to go to College Station with Jared on Monday, when I got a call from Jared’s dad that one of his uncles died unexpectedly the night before. It was an uncle Jared was close to; one he grew up with, a fellow pilot and runner in the family. With that news my week saw me very anxious about telling Jared at the right time along with coordinating schedules, hotels and flights. I was so excited to see that side of the family, but got anxious about planning, making sure I had food I could eat, and making sure we planned for every possible scenario that could happen with Jared’s schedule.

But then, our worst scenario became reality. Jared got called in straight for New York. We had to leave the family early. I had to leave Jared early, without a ton of time to actually just be with him. I had to deal with my expectations for this week being so different than reality. I had to navigate the grief I feel for my family, the stresses of my work, the demands and drama of those I volunteer with/for and the sadness of Jared being gone and NOT getting to fly.

I wrote a blog a couple of days ago. It was very angry. I wrote about how I was upset that I had been at so many funerals and not many weddings. I was trying to figure out why that was. I saved it thinking I’d post it the following morning. But when I woke up, it didn’t sit right with me to post it.

I was blaming others for what was going on in my life. I was blaming my circumstances, my jobs and my perceived lack of support system. I was blaming others and how their choices were affecting me.

But to be honest, awful stuff happens. We live in a world, soaked in sin. People’s choices affect those around them all day every day, including my actions.

But, as Jared and I work together through his work schedule, things seem to get better and better. As I talk with my parents and friends and they pray for me and my work, I get the strength to do what needs to get done. And as I stood up to exit at the end of the funeral Saturday, and looked back at the hundreds of people who had showed up because they loved Jared’s uncle, I was awed.

Jared and I love each other enough to be committed, even when we have doubts about our marriage, our career choices and our future. My friends and family love me enough to listen to me vent and pray for me through the times I need it the most. And Uncle Cliff’s love for those around him brought hundreds to celebrate his life to show that God’s love through Uncle Cliff touched more lives than we knew.

I know life gets hard for all of us. We have seasons where things seem dark and dry. We don’t feel God close to us. We feel isolated from those around us as we think, “Who could possibly understand what we are going through?” We are tempted to give up, because we wonder who cares about our seemingly wasted efforts to bring life and love into such a broken world.

But we must remember that just because we can’t feel God close doesn’t mean he’s not there. Just because things are dark doesn’t mean they will be dark forever. You are not alone! God is with you and has placed people around you to go through this season with you. Our efforts are not wasted. They are seeds to bring glory to God in the perfect moment. Hold onto that as you go through whatever you have going on right now. You are loved by the one who created love.

And I read the end of the book. Love wins!

Marathons and bombs do not go together!

So I woke up this morning to my dog greeting me. It's such a wonderful thing to wake up to a dog AND a husband! In the past this doesn't usually happen!

As I got ready for the day I realized that the Boston Marathon was on this morning! Jared and I had spent a good deal of time last night talking about Boston as we were thinking of taking one last quick trip before our lives went into overdrive busy. We were looking at the map, picking out things to see, where to stay, things to do...normal touristy planing stuff. Naturally the Boston Marathon came up in conversation as we are training for our first marathon.

It was awe inspiring this morning to watch these athletes run faster than I've ever sprinted for miles and miles and miles! Even though you were looking at the same camera angle for minutes at a time, just watching the people run and jockey for position, thinking through the tactical and psychological parts of the race were thrilling! I was rooting for the American girls and I am really excited for their 4th and 6th place finishes!

Jared and I then went on with our day. We worked out, took care of our dog who's got an upset stomach, etc and then find out that minutes before I looked at my iPad's news, there was a bomb at the same race we were watching just hours ago. I was on the verge of tears watching runners who were running such a great feat either not be able to finish or be injured before they got across the finish line. I thought about my own upcoming marathon. Would the same thing happen at mine? It's always a possibility. Would I go even if that was a possibility? Will people run the Boston Marathon or any other race next year?

And before I go on, I know nothing I say will probably make any difference. I don't expect people to listen to me. There isn't anything I can say that will ease the pain of those who lost loved ones. They are going to have a long road through greif along side those who were injured and have a long road through recovery. The mental and psychological trauma will take time and patience to get through and it will be hard.

Unfortunately, as a society, we are not a stranger to terrorism. Nothing I say will make a difference, change what happened, or help with what road lies before those people involved. But for me and those that are mentally sorting through the unnecessary violence that happens in our culture, this is my response. Terrorism is meant to make us fearful. Fear will make us do life different. That different life will not be the full life God has planned for us. We will constantly live negative, paranoid, looking for someone to blame as we life in our unforgiveness and fear.

As the victim of a violent crime, I've had to deal with those thoughts and process through them in my own way. But as I've become a runner, I've learned that runners are the types of people that push through pain. They hear their bodies say, "Stop!" and allow their minds to push the body further. They accomplish feats that inspire us! They defy limits and say, "I can do the impossible." That's why we love sports. That's why comebacks in competitive games are some of the best moments in sports history. What looks impossible becomes possible and gives us hope for the rest of our lives.

So the answer to my questions? Will people run the race next year? My immediate response was yes. Because we are not a people who quit at the point of pain but run through it. We don't disregard it, but we fight through it. We run in remembrance of pain but also in the remembrance of the victory over pain.

God has victory over death and He is the one who will give us the strength to run through the pain.

Everlasting God

One of my favorite songs is "Everlasting God" written by none other than my church back home, Fellowship. It is one of those songs I love to belt out in the car and no matter where I land on the mood spectrum, that song always makes it go up!

I was reminded on many of my runs recently that God is really everlasting. Recall if you will, your history classes. Remember Abraham Lincoln or James Bowie or [insert favorite historical character]. We could even go back further and talk about people in the Bible. Moses, David, Adam, Abraham, Rahab...you name it! I know surely I am speaking for myself (wink, wink), but I tend to almost raise these people to an elevated platform. I remember only the good things these people have done so I think of them as these heroes that  did amazing things.

Let's take George Washington for example.


This is what Wikipedia has to say:

1st President of the United States
In office April 30, 1789[nb] – March 4, 1797
Vice President	John Adams
Preceded by	Position established
Succeeded by	John Adams
Senior Officer of the Army
In office July 13, 1798 – December 14, 1799
Appointed by	John Adams
Preceded by	James Wilkinson
Succeeded by	Alexander Hamilton
Commander-in-Chief of the Continental Army
In office June 15, 1775 – December 23, 1783
Appointed by	Continental Congress
Preceded by	Position established
Succeeded by	Henry Knox (Senior Officer of the Army)
Delegate to the Second Continental Congress from Virginia
In office May 10, 1775 – June 15, 1775
Preceded by	Position established
Succeeded by	Thomas Jefferson
Delegate to the First Continental Congress from Virginia
In office September 5, 1774 – October 26, 1774
Preceded by	Position established
Succeeded by	Position abolished
Personal details
Born	February 22, 1732 Westmoreland, Virginia, British America
Died	December 14, 1799 (aged 67) Mount Vernon, Virginia, U.S.
Resting place	Washington Family Tomb Mount Vernon, Virginia
Political party	Independent
Spouse(s)	Martha Dandridge Custis
Religion	Deism[1] Episcopal[2]
Signature
Military service
Allegiance	Great Britain United States
Service/branch	Virginia provincial militia Continental Army United States Army
Years of service	Militia: 1752–1758 Continental Army: 1775–1783 U.S. Army: 1798–1799
Rank	Lieutenant general General of the Armies (posthumous: 1976)
Commands	Virginia Colony's regiment Continental Army United States Army
Battles/wars	French and Indian War  • Battle of Jumonville Glen  • Battle of Fort Necessity  • Braddock Expedition  • Battle of the Monongahela  • Forbes Expedition American Revolutionary War  • Boston campaign  • New York and New Jersey campaign  • Philadelphia campaign  • Yorktown campaign
Awards	Congressional Gold Medal Thanks of Congress

Talk about a resume! So with all this experience and prestige he had behind him (hello...first President of the United States) I thought that this would have given him the confidence to deal with anything in life. 

However, someone made a new billboard. I run by it now all the time. I have no idea who made it, but I like it. It has a picture of George Washington kneeling in the sand saying, "Lord, I trust in you. Guide my in your ways." The quote is from his journal that he kept the winter he was stationed at Valley Forge.

God was there for George Washington when he needed to ask God for guidance. George Washington had difficulties. He had pit days. He was faced with history altering situations that I am sure caused a great deal of stress. And who did he go to for help? Jesus Christ.

Jesus has been comforting and leading people all through history. He is timeless. He is EVERLASTING. People in history (including your favorite historical figure) have experienced many of the same feelings you are now and God helped them when they asked. 

I have been recently been listening to Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis (talk about MY favorite historical figure). He talks about how when it comes to moral standards, we typically hold everyone else to high standards but relax them when it comes to ourselves because we give ourselves excuses on why we don't apply to the moral standards.  We have an inside scoop on us. We're tired, hungry, busy, have more important things to do, whatever and so we don't have to extend the same courtesies that are expected from everyone else.

This thinking happens in our view of God too. We see God helping people and changing their lives, past or present. But because we know our inward sin and understand the full extent of our depravity we say that God cannot do the same in our lives as He does in others. This is a lie. 

The problem we have with everyone else is that we don't see the behind the scenes. When it comes to dealing with others, we don't see that someone is tired or dealing with stressful situations and so we get mad when they don't say hi or cut us off on the highway. When it comes to historical figures, we don't get the stories of internal struggles in our schools. We hear and get tested just on the results of those inward struggles. When it comes to God working in the lives of those around us, we don't fully understand their deepest darkest secrets and so we say, "God can't help me. I've gone too far in my sin. My life is too much of a mess."

My question is why CAN'T God do the same for you? When we find out that a stranger is dealing with cancer we treat them differently and give grace to them when they snap at us after a chemo treatment. When we find out that George Washington himself bowed a knee to God in his most difficult situations it changes our view of him from an elevated platform to a position that looks much more like our own. When someone opens up and shares about the full extent of their past, it allows us to understand they aren't much different then ourselves and there might be a chance that God can use and change us too.

The truth is, God can do anything. God is everlasting. The almighty. He was the beginning and He will be the end. God used the broken and "too far gone" people all throughout history. I found this pin on Pinterest and I wanted to share:

Talk about the unlikely being used by God! However, God wants to use you BECAUSE you have your problems. He wants to take them and transform them in a way only God can. God wants to show the world Himself through your deepest fears, insecurities and failures. Don't discount them. Give them to God. Then, watch what amazing stuff He does next!

The Point of Christmas

I've been so excited for this Christmas and came across this passage that made me giggle on the inside. So naturally, I need to share it with the world! :)

Merry Christmas!

The End of Week 6!

So today marks the end of training week 6. To be honest I'm shocked that I have made it this far!

Today I was really struggling with the run that seemed so easy on Sunday. Yes we were pushing ourselves and yes we went faster and further than Sunday! I didn't quit either! Yet at the end of this run I didn't feel the accomplishment like I did at the end of previous runs.

I think what is happening (after discussing my feelings with the husband) is that because I struggle with the run more than I used to I don't feel like I'm doing well. Therefore I don't realize how great I'm doing. The fact is I'm doing harder things that I did two weeks ago. I'm doing things I didn't think I could do! So I just need to take a step back and look at what I've accomplished before going back to the grindstone for what is coming up next.

Of course this wouldn't be my blog if I didn't relate this back to life. :) I think sometimes we struggle with sin and we get down on ourselves because we keep struggling with something. But we have to realize that struggle is God working in us to cleanse us of that sin. Don't wallow in the fact that you sin or carry it as a badge of honor. We don't want to just get comfortable with being able to say we are struggling with something. What we want to see is progress. Here's something I learned from Breakaway:

In the book of 1 John, John talks about how if we know Christ, we are in the light. If we don't know Christ, then we are in darkness. How do we know if we are in the light? Because we experience the amazing power of His love and that love makes us want to follow His commands. Not because we have to but because we want to. And we are not going to be sinless walking in the light, but we are going to be cleaned of our sin by Jesus over time.

'Whoever says "I know him" but does not keep his commandments is a liar, and the truth is not in him, but whoever keeps his word, in him truly the love of God is perfected. By this we may know that we are in him: whoever says he abides in him ought to walk in the same way in which he walked.' (1 John 2:4-6 ESV)

The key to this passage is the 'is perfected' part. We are being perfected right now like we have been in the past as well as in the future!

We may not see the progress or see how far we have come with Christ. But I encourage you to take the time to talk to Him and see what has happened recently in your life. Find the little victories and know in your heart that God is doing/will do a work in you and through you if you let Him!

I may get new running shoes tomorrow. :) I'll keep you posted!