Starting a Fire

Candlelight services remind me of how powerful a little light can be.

A couple of weekends ago Jared and I got the chance to go camping! As I've said in previous blogs, I love camping so much. It allows us both to get away and gain perspective on all the stuff that goes on in life.

On this particular trip, we actually tried out our new hammocks! Which was helpful since it stormed two out of the three nights we stayed and tents in neighboring campsites apparently flooded. Just another perk of hammock camping, which I will probably elaborate on in a future post.

But something Jared and I talked about was actually how hard it is to make a fire. We have become quite good at it over the years, but it's not as easy as everyone thinks.

First you have to have something that starts the fire. Your standard match or lighter would be typical here. You would use that to start the fire with something that catches fire quick. They have little sticks that you can use. Pine needles, lint, cardboard, all would be those quick catching fire starters that would work really well.

Then you have to have small twigs that can catch the fire. These need to be small, dry pieces of wood that will not catch fire as easily as the fire starter but will hold a fire longer.

Finally, you get to medium sized logs. Again, not catch fire as easily but will stay lit much longer. And last but not least, the big logs.

What I told Jared while making our fires this last camping trip is that this can be applied to ministry building. I hear so many people say, "It just takes a spark to get a fire going!" But it also takes a ton of prep work and tending in order to keep it going. If you try to do ministry with just the flame starter, you will burn out in seconds. If you try to jump from the fire starter to the big logs, the big logs will never catch fire. Then, if you don't keep adding wood to the fire, the fire will eventually burn out.

Ministries are callings that God has given to those who believe in Him. It starts with a fire starter, Jesus, who give that fire to us, his beloved. When we receive this fire of faith we are saved. Then God usually gives us a calling. A fire to build. But if that person cannot do the work that it takes to keep the fire going, the calling will never be the shining light that a dark world so desperately needs.

So whether you work in full time ministry or you are a pilot like my husband who talks about Jesus to whomever is in the cockpit with him, you have a calling. You are meant to be a fire to those who are looking for light. Do the work of pursuing Jesus and keeping the fire alive and let's change our world with the love of Jesus.

Universal Encouragement

One of the many "fun" administrative jobs of mine is to send out our newsletter for our ministry every month. I always begin by dreading it. By the end I get excited by all I get to share about what's going on with our team!

I wrote this as an encouragement to our volunteers, but thought some of you could use it and apply it in our daily lives. Community is being slowly replaced by technology and it is crucial to God working in our lives!

"October is such a fun month. We have cooler temperatures, pumpkins are coming out. Everyone
seems to be on board with October being super fantastic.

What is also super fantastic is the teams we are building within Redeemed in Dallas. We have some
incredible people stepping up and answering the call God has put on their hearts to serve the women
who are being exploited within our city.

With all the awesome activity, the thing that has been on my heart has been the word "sustainability."
These women are used to people coming in and out of their life, never sticking around long term for
them. The question most people ask of them is "what can I get out of you?" We are working to have
them ask the question, "What does God think about you?"

We all know the answer to that is God hold us in high value. We are his most prized creation. He
knows our thoughts. He knows our hurts. He knows our dreams. He loves us unconditionally, which is a concept that is hard for us to wrap our heads around. But once these women know God is for them and not against them, we know it can turn their whole situation around.

So the question I ask of myself and our teams is how are we going to sustain these efforts to reach
these women? When burn out comes, when we experience fear, when life seems too complicated to
continue, how are we going to continue reaching out to these women who are desperately looking for
God's love? The answer is two fold: 1) continuing our personal walk with Christ, asking for him to
stretch time and energy so that we can obey the call and 2) reaching out to those we work with for
support and help with the things Satan is throwing at us to try to stop us.

Redeemed is unique in that we are not just a non-profit that you check in and out of in order to get
service hours or experience. Rather, we are a community of believers from all over the metroplex
gathering together in Christ to reach out to those in the darkest of situations and offer them a light of
hope. On top of that, God isn't just using us to change the lives of the women we minister to, but he's
using our community and those we volunteer with to change us to become more like Christ as well.

So I encourage you to not just check in and out and add this work to the list of things you do to be a
"good Christian." Rather I encourage you to really plug in and build community with the people doing this work alongside you. I know the people that have stepped up and volunteered for a while have already changed my life. I pray that God does the same in your life."

Bringing Hope to Those in Pain

In my line of work, I deal with people (mainly women) who have reached the end of their rope. They have experienced such pain and drama that they are filled with shame and grief over what has happened in their past. What we try to do is help them see what God wants to offer them...hope and love. But, that is a much more difficult task than you would think.

Take this clip from when I first got to hold my brother after he was born...


All my little 3-year-old brain knew was that I was holding a baby boy. Who knew it had a name! I had no context that this baby boy would grow up, have his own spunky personality, be my comrade-in-arms on our childhood adventures or become one of my best friends. My brain had no context of what a baby brother meant because it had never experienced having a baby brother before.

We see this phenomena with women who have never experienced hope before. They don't know what it looks like because in many cases, they have rarely experienced it. If they have, it was a long time ago in an era of their life long forgotten.

Most women have experienced pain for so long they lash out pain to those around them. You might have heard the expression, "People in pain hurt others." I know I have seen that in my own experience. Then the people that are trying to help them and bring them hope end up walking out on them because they do not want to be hurt any more.

Another metaphor: When I was training to become a life guard, we had to learn how to deal with people who were thrashing around in the water. Many times, it was human nature to grab on to anything or anyone else around them and push them under the water in an effort of self preservation. While we were trying to save them, they were trying to drown us. This is what happens when working with human trafficking victims as well.

So how do we bring hope to people that have no context of it and lash out at those trying to bring it to them?

With patience.

We have to be so patient with people in pain. We have to understand what they are processing through. Allow them to work through the anger and pain and guilt and shame and everything Satan is throwing at them from their past. We have to have Teflon emotions where we do not take their actions or words against us personally. We have to love them even when they don't seem to value themselves.  This includes showing "tough love" as well, by not empowering them to continue self destructive habits. By doing this it allows God to plant the seeds necessary in their lives to grow and one day, become hope. And not just any hope, but hope in the one person that can bring it genuinely 100% of the time.

You may not deal with trafficking victims every day. But you do have family members, friends, co-workers who are hurting in different ways. Be patient with them. Love on them. And show them that they can have hope in their situations too.

"Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with a heart of mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience, bearing with one another and forgiving one another, if someone happens to have a complaint against anyone else. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also forgive others."

~ Colossians 3:12-13

When God Says No

Growing up I always wanted to be an astronaut. My copy of "Flying to the Moon" by Michael Collins has a lot of wear and tear over the years from reading it constantly, only interrupted by homework and dance lessons. I did my research papers on astronauts. My drawings were of space. I remember looking through the telescope with my dad at planets and waking up at 3 AM to watch meteor showers from my backyard. We went to NASA in both Houston and Florida. My living statue assignment was on the Challenger teacher Christa McAuliffe...proof that someone "ordinary" could become an astronaut had the space shuttle actually worked. I watched Star Wars, wondering if I would someday find other planets to live on. I dreamed of becoming the first person on Mars.

But even after all of this, I distinctly remember struggling in math my junior year of high school and praying to God, "Is being an astronaut what you want me to do?" While I never heard a voice, I remember my heart going numb, knowing that wasn't going to be where He was leading me. I was distraught. I didn't know what else I would do.

And then life took it's turns. I didn't get the grades. I struggled with physics. I had my own mental issues to deal with much less think of solving how to get to Mars. My interest in space turned into music, art, biochemistry...more, Earthly things. I still however, catch myself staring up, looking for stars and wondering if someone or something else is looking at our star and dreaming of other planets as well.

When I still catch myself looking up at the stars I keep wondering what was the reasoning God designed my life this way. Honestly, I don't think I will every get the answer to it until I get to heaven. But let's speculate, based on what we know, shall we?

Reasons why I wanted to be an astronaut:
1. I wanted to do what was considered impossible.
2. I wanted to explore new worlds.
3. I wanted to fly a plane.
4. I wanted to be famous and inspire other people.

Do we notice a pattern with all my reasons? They all start with "I." Also, think about this...NASA has been shut down due to budget cuts. There are no missions to space in the exact time frames I would have been looking for a job as an astronaut. Currently they are being used to produce facts about climate change...and we all know how I feel about that...

The Bible says in Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Many people told me this as a kid when I told them the big plans I had for my life. But what they didn't tell me was that it was coupled with Psalm 37:3 "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness." 

While my intentions may have been good in all my reasons to be an astronaut, God wasn't at the center of what I desired. I loved God, and I wanted Him to make me an astronaut. I was viewing God as a cosmic blessing on my plans and my dreams instead of trusting in the Lord and doing good, even when disappointment and chaos reigned in my life. If I had not been faithful with what God was calling me to do, I wouldn't have met my deepest desire...to inspire and help other people to be better versions of themselves. Had I gone down the space path, at least up to this point in my lifetime, my dreams would have been crushed. Meanwhile, God has formed me and shaped me into ministry where I get to work with - and hopefully help people - become better versions of themselves every day with God being the power behind my work. In a way, I am getting to do my original #1 reason I wanted to be an astronaut...I'm doing what most people consider impossible.

While I know it's a limited view right now, it's enough to step back and say, "Wow God, you really had my back on that one." I'm sure it will become more and more evident as time goes on why I'm on this road, but it's enough to look to the sky and say even "if we are faithless, [God] remains faithful - for he cannot deny himself." (2 Timothy 2:13b)

So for now my exploration of space will be limited to the new Star Wars in December and watching the new TV series of "Astronaut Wives." I'll pull the start chart out every once in a while while we are camping and dream other planets from the back of our truck. But on the bright side, God still hasn't closed the door on me learning how to fly a plane. Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

The Millennial Disconnect

So I'm in that awkward stage of generations where I'm not quite an '80s baby, but I wasn't a '90s child either. I remember not having cell phones and I love being "off the grid." Yet I embrace new technology with anticipation and excitement. Growing up, I've always gotten along with those older than me and had very few friends younger than me. What makes me laugh is that "scientists" or "modern anthropologists" have tried to give my generation so many names. Yet none of them seem to really define any of us, do they? So whether we are generation XY or Millennials or whatever the names may be this day, I do see a common thread among all of us...a disconnect from reality.

There are many blog posts out there and talk show figures that lament over the bloggers and social media posters that sit in their underwear and type their opinions onto a computer screen and post them to see the world. What always makes me laugh is if they are complaining about people wearing underwear, those talk heads have bigger issues. :) I personally like wearing underwear while writing thank you very much.

All kidding aside, I understand their concerns. Many of the opinions on the web lack the "reality" that is needed to have common sense behind some of these opinions. I never thought I would become that older, cynical girl who wonders if a youngster has what it takes to work in the "real world." Yet I became that women as I sat at the Dallas Aggie Muster Ceremony and I heard all the accolades of the recipients of the scholarship recipients. I once had an outstanding resume in high school like many of these kids. It didn't mean squat once I reached college and failed my physics classes. It REALLY didn't mean anything when I had to go find a real job and work hard with a team of highly varied personalities. I sat through that ceremony and wondered, "Would I hire them for any of my internships?" Sadly, just based on what I heard, the answer was no.

It is easy to get cynical, especially in the ministry I am involved in, when most people think being involved with human trafficking means drawing a red X on your hand and posting it to social media. I used to walk around campus without shoes to support the work of TOMS. But what difference was I actually making besides picking up all the dirt around College Station? I frequently tell students it's not about a hashtag or wearing a specific bracelet. I want to know what work are you actually doing that makes a direct difference in the lives you wish to impact? Are you going and presenting to churches? Are they coming back with resources? Are you going into brothels and ministering to the women where you are? Are you raising money? Are you going on a mission trip? Does it come up in normal conversation with others because it is actually something so close to your heart?

I don't want to criticize anyone for not doing any of these things because I know that God hasn't called everyone to it. Some of you are supposed to be mothers and fathers. Some of you are supposed to focus on school, or your current job or any other social issue that God has placed on your heart. But what I think we all need to learn is that once God has placed something in your heart and called you to reach out to those he wants to reach, it is up to you to actually put in the effort.

The millennial effect is to say, "Sure God" but only put forth the effort that doesn't dramatically affect your current everyday schedule. The disconnect is to think that if you post it on social media or put together a "movement day" that you are having a direct impact on the people God is calling you to reach. It's the equivalent of the rich man who wanted to follow Jesus. But when Jesus told him he would have to sell all his possessions, he ended up not following him as a disciple. Many of us love our comfort more than we love our Christ and we allow that to keep us from doing the work he has called us to do.

So if you're being called to human trafficking, I got a spot for you haha. If you are being called to another aspect of ministry, go to it with all haste. But don't get sucked into the idea of the Millennial Disconnect. Don't allow the idea that you are entitled to comfort while serving your God to keep you from the impact he actually wants to make on the world through you.

New Adventures!

Jared and I have some exciting news to announce. No, it is not a baby (Courtney! Haha.) but we are embarking on a journey of faith to minister to those enslaved in human trafficking! We have been called by God to work with Redeemed Ministries full time.

Redeemed started in 2005 just simply reaching out to women who were trapped in sex trafficking and showing them the unconditional love Jesus shows us. Many times, these women come from very broken homes. 90% of girls trapped in sex trafficking have been abused sexually as children. They never learn that behavior is not normal. Pimps then exploit that past to take advantage of these girls and the cycle is brutal and often fatal. While these women are forced to serve up to 30 men in a day, they often turn to drugs to cope and/or also get beat by their pimps to make sure they obey whatever the pimp tells them to do. 

While many ministries go out to the brothels with the intent on “extracting” girls from their situation, we simply go in to offer the love of Jesus to them. Many times these girls are in denial that they are in a dangerous place and until they realize that, even if we “extracted” them from their situation, no change would take place. When they would leave our care, they would go right back to what they were doing. We believe by going in and just ministering and sharing love with them allows God seeds to be planted in their life to realize they are loved, but not by their pimps. This process of change allows them to be an active participant in their life change. Then, if they want to leave the life, we can help provide them a safe place, in the form of a safe house, to get away from their pimp AND increase their chance of not going back. Jesus is the one working on the inside to heal and change their hearts. We are simply servants to help provide the environment for that change and the voice of reasoning when the tough times come. 

That brings me to one of the most exciting parts of Redeemed, our aftercare program! We have a safe house out in the country where we can house girls for a year long program. We have partnered with Rutgers University to develop a program that specifically helps heal trauma associated with trafficking and we have seen God use that tremendously! Just in the last year we have seen two women baptized and graduated. One is even entering the missionary field and ministering to others. It’s the most amazing thing to watch God completely transform the lives of these women who were so broken and now they flourish in the love God has for us! We are working to build a new, larger safe house so that we can minister to even more women. 

I first heard about human trafficking in my car (go figure!). I was working at a winery as a part of my research project in college and the drive was an hour one way. I listened to podcasts by Christine Caine while I drove. She runs a global anti-human trafficking organization called A21 and hearing about it tugged at my heartstrings like nothing had ever done before. The thing I most identified with was the fact that the fear these women have for their pimps paralyzes them from trying to find any other alternative to their situation. This fear allows them to be abused over and over again. I have battled with similar fear in my life and sitting there in the car, I wanted to reach through my stereo to the women and tell them they didn’t have to be governed by fear anymore. However, I was in College Station, TX…not Athens, Greece. Nor did I ever see God sending me to where A21 was going. 

Fast forward to me getting married and moving to Houston. My husband and I were looking for a church. We visited one down the road one Sunday and the topic was human trafficking in Houston with the featured ministry being Redeemed. I found out that between Dallas, Austin and Houston, 25% of girls trafficked found themselves in Texas at some point. I instantly knew I was supposed to be involved. I have since volunteered with them over the last three years and have never looked back!

I’ve had the opportunity to mentor girls, work on the social media team, help market the ministry and teach others about trafficking. Honestly, it has been the biggest and most fulfilling thing in my life. I learned so much about myself and about trafficking and I was given the opportunity to bring it with me when my husband and I moved to Dallas. As I look at 2015 and really start to build the ground work for what we are doing, I am so excited for what I believe God will do in Dallas. 

One thing that has been a bittersweet point in this transition is that my position has been a volunteer position for so long. But the ministry is growing to the point where I cannot hold my current position as a Children’s Pastor and do Redeemed at the level of excellence both ministries deserve. I’m truly sad to leave the amazing community God has allowed me to be a part of. Yet, God has already been faithful by providing not only a new community, but financial funding through monthly donations.

This is where you can get involved! While I will receive a small stipend from Redeemed it is not enough to cover expenses Jared and I have, even with his job. If you heard my story and my heart for this ministry and would be willing to support me monthly, please take a few minutes to sign up and pledge to fund this ministry Jared and I will be building. This is a direct way you can help...by giving me the financial funding for me to work towards helping these women full time! It will have a huge impact for us, and for allowing us to advance the kingdom of God!

Ultimately, we see ourselves as an extension of the church; where we are bringing the gospel to some of the deepest and darkest of places and hopefully, seeing God transform the lives of those we meet. Jesus said he didn’t come for the well, but for the sick. From the women that are enslaved, to the pimps that do the enslaving and the men who buy, the people are plenty for God to reach and the gospel is so desperately needed on all fronts of this situation.

Thank you all for supporting us, whether that be through prayer or by financially supporting us. We are so grateful for all of our community. Here's to what God has in store!

Goodbye 2014

Hello all my fellow readers!

So today is the day in the blogging world where we go back and reminisce on all that has happened in the last year. I will not be a trail blazer on this one. In fact, I talk about what has happened this year just like everyone else.

Last time I wrote, I was in what I like to call "survival mode." In a time where I was learning new things and adjusting to my new position at our church, I basically had no time and no will to blog. I kinda wanted to...but had no energy and frankly, nothing to say. Last time I talked about watering with salt water and how it may not make sense to us, but ultimately, God is the one who brings the harvest. Usually, he brings it around in a way that makes no sense to us as well.

Well, currently, I haven't seen a ton of harvesting yet. In a time where I talked about focusing on the most important things was getting hard, I lost focus a ton, at least in my opinion. I've allowed to-do lists and deadlines to come before people in many cases and it's not ok. I had a great quiet time a few days ago when I got some rest and realized that I have become quick to judge and quick to frustrate instead of extending grace where I could.  I have always known intellectually that grace and forgiveness costs more to the person giving it instead of the one receiving it. But only now am I truly experiencing it in my heart for the first time. Every time I extend grace I have to let go of the side of me that wants justice. Which, if you know me, justice is the thing I strive for A TON. I have a black and white view of the world and grace messes with that.

But, thankfully, my heart is learning just as much as my brain is. Yesterday, I had a meeting with two very special friends and right when I try to leave work to go meet them, two different men came up to the church asking for help. One was lost and needed directions. The other was looking for money to buy cough syrup for his family who had the flu. Working in downtown Dallas, you get use to the con-artists that come asking for money. But in light of the conversations I've had with God, I knew that this was Him asking me if I was going to blow these men off and not help because I had a meeting to go to, or if I would going to take the time to help and be late to my meeting. Judgemental side of me would have said, "If you weren't prepared, you deserve the consequences and your emergency shouldn't make me late to what I have to do. I'm...after all...a church worker and I have important things to attend to!" But, thankfully, I stopped and realized the situation and took the time to help.

Now I don't say all this as a virtual pat on the back to say "Great job me!" I tell these stories because, in review of 2014, I've had a great year. I ran my first marathon...the culmination of me overcoming a ton of mental and physical struggles I had in 2013. After my marathon, I learned how to deal with my depression that comes as a result of my PTSD. I got the opportunity to work part time at one of the greatest churches in one of the greatest departments. I ran coast to coast with my family in what have become some of my fondest memories. Jared and I were blessed with a house. It's been a phenomenal year. But yet, here at the end, I find myself yearning for more.

I got to have a great conversation with my mother-in-law who is also in ministry and she said something great about New Years Resolutions. Instead of making them about varying bars of success, make them about love. I've been all about varying bars of success recently (aka...how many things on my to do list can I knock off!), but this year I think God is calling me to make it even more about showing love to others. So looking forward, I am hoping to have more encounters like yesterday, with people who need help, and less about my crazy long to do lists. People are what God cares about the most. So I'm going to try to align my heart with his even more.

Happy 2015 everyone. I hope God blesses you and your family beyond your wildest imagination!

Giving Plants Salt

Last month I talked about keeping focus on the important vision of your dream instead of everything that is impeding it. This month, I've been having to focus hard! While some great blessings have happened at church, the biggest thing that has been my obstacle is fear.

I actually thought I had gotten past this. My first few months of marriage I dedicated myself to trying things that I was fearful of to show myself there is nothing to be afraid of...ironically including gardening. However, I am discovering that I am a person driven by fear when push comes to shove and it takes a ton of mental focus for me to overcome my instinctual paralysis. The fears vary. I don't like disappointing people. I don't like disappointing myself. I don't like failing at something I have tried. I don't like not being able to help people. But if you look at the majority of my fears, they are self centered. It's me feeling bad that I'm trying to avoid. That fear can keep me from reaching out to others who are desperately wanting to know what hope there is in world.

What I am specifically struggling with now is I feel like I am getting advice and listening to people much wiser than me tell me how to most effectively run my ministries. I want and yearn for their guidance. Yet as I desperately try to follow these guidelines I get frustrated when they don't seem to be working. I get so passionate about my ministries, that I want to see instant results!

Yet God doesn't work that way. In fact, God doesn't work in any predictable manner whatsoever.

I LOVE listening to podcasts. I remember growing up I would listen to Adventure in Odyssey all day long for years on end whenever I was in my room, changing out the tapes every thirty minutes. I'd clean my room. Work on crafts. Do homework. There was just something I loved about listening to something while I worked, especially something encouraging or informational. I've recently stumbled across a podcast on survival. It's not your typical survival podcast, like, how to survive in the middle of nowhere while camping or hiking. It's also got things on how to make your home self-sufficient. While I might try a few of the things in the future, one topic of podcast actually caught my attention as it talked about aquaphonics. It's where your fish tank system helps grow your plants. The nitrogen produced by the fish gets dissolved in the water. You then take that water and water your garden with it, providing much needed nutrients to your plants. The plants then filter the water through the ground and root system, making the water purified for your fish. I had actually studied a bit of it in school and it's an ingenious system, especially if you are farming fish. However, one important note: you can't use saltwater fish because the salt will kill your plants.

Couple that with the passage I read this morning:

The men of the city said to Elisha, “Look, the city has a good location, as our master can see. But the water is bad and the land doesn’t produce crops.” Elisha said, “Get me a new jar and put some salt in it.” So they got it. He went out to the spring and threw the salt in. Then he said, “This is what the Lord says, ‘I have purified  this water. It will no longer cause death or fail to produce crops.” The water has been pure to this very day, just as Elisha prophesied. ~ 2 Kings 2 19-22

Can you imagine if you were a farmer and you saw Elisha put salt in the water and proclaim it purified how perplexed you would be? No flashy magic-y sparkles flew out of it. No parting of the heavens with a hallelujah chorus. No indication that it wasn't just salt water. And he put it in the spring so the whole thing was contaminated! If I were a farmer, I'd be angry that he just put salt in the water that I'm supposed to try to grow my crops with!

There's no textual part that explains what happened after Elisha put salt in the water. But I can imagine he left and the farmers surrounded the spring and said to each other, "Well, it was bad water in the first place. It was worth a shot." Some might have said, "What the heck are we supposed to do with salt water?" But can you imagine that first farmer that decided to use the water on faith? Watering their fields wondering if the water would work or not, knowing they wouldn't eat if it didn't?

Sometimes in ministry it seems like we are watering our fields with salt water, wondering what the heck we are doing and thinking it will never work. But imagine the farmer's surprise when the crops started growing and growing abundantly because it was water purified by God. In ministry, we are told the harvest is plenty, but the workers are few. I wonder if this is because many don't believe that God can take whatever is salt water in our lives and use it make plants grow. Those salt water moments cause us to fear and paralyze us to tell others the Good News about Christ.

I know I have plenty of salt water moments in my life where I wonder how in the world God is going to use me for ministry. But if I let my fear hold me back, I will never get to see God work in the lives of those around me. I have no control in what happens in my ministry except my obedience to the authority of God and those he has placed over me. So, until I see my crops grow, that's what I'm going with. I'll get back to you when I start seeing buds!

New Directions

Gorgeous sunshine at the park!

Hi everyone! Last post I was pretty down. Struggling with post marathon blues and the eternal winter going on. But recently, the sun has come out! The air is warmer and as I've been getting my usual doses of Vitamin D now, my mood has warmed up considerably as well! There is nothing like the hope of spring and great weather to lift anyone's spirits!

What has also helped, is that I am also realizing where and what I am supposed to be doing next. The last two years have been marked by my steady pursuit of my first marathon. From not being able to run for more than 30 seconds, I conquered health problems and mental blocks to overcome my fear of pain from running. In the meantime, I overcame many other fears, literally anything from guns to gardening. So as I am sitting here post marathon, I don't think I'm done overcoming fears yet. However, a new idea has been forming in my head, and let's just say I have a ton of growing up to do.

Ever since I can remember, I haven't given a whole ton of thought to other people's perception of me. All I knew, was I wanted to be different from everyone else. I recognized a culture deficit going on and I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I liked doing my own thing, regardless of what people thought of me.

Now that I'm older and I have great people speaking into my life, I'm recognizing that sometimes, this desire to be different comes off different than I intend. People have said to me that sometimes I seem stand-off-ish, and until they got to know me, they thought I didn't like them. While I brushed off these comments a few years ago, they are coming back up in my head.

I've always said that I'm basically 8 years old at heart (Jared is 5 haha). I say that because I remember that age where everything seemed wonderful and enjoyable and new, and I want that spirit to be with me as an adult. But I recently heard someone say that you need to be 2/3 adult and 1/3 kid, and you have to be careful not to flip it around. So I'm realizing, that my 8 year old self that just wants to be different and satisfy my craving to explore the world is getting in the way of my authentic relationships. And while I won't get to know everyone that I meet "deeply," I never want them to look at me and say, "She doesn't like me." The old me would say, "Well, they should just stick around and find out the truth." But the newer, questioning me says, "But why would they if someone else seems so much more inviting?"

So to sum up what I've been learning, is that maturity is knowing the fine line of being aware of how people perceive you, without letting everyone's opinions determine your personality. If I look at someone and judge whether or not I want to try to be friends with them, I would be naive to think that they don't do the same to me. The truth is, I love making new friends. But the other truth is, I tend to not show that on the outside. The truth is, I want people to know Jesus. But how can they get to know that if I seem selfish or self absorbed?

So I'm going to work on maturing myself, making sure the way people perceive me matches what is actually going on inside. I have no idea how to do this yet, but thank goodness I have a ton of training miles to sort it all out!

Moses and Me

So I have had several awesome things happen over the last couple of days that I really wanted to share with you all! I mentioned in my last post that I was dealing with a ton of doubt. Doubt about myself, Redeemed, church, EVERYTHING it seemed. I was in a funk and having a hard time shaking it.

Well, I've had some great conversations with people. God's been connecting a ton of dots. It would take a long time to explain everything that has happened but God is opening small doors and providing hopeful avenues even when it seems there is no way.

The last few days I've been focusing on waiting and prayer. These are probably some of the hardest things for me to do! I'm a goal oriented, step by step process kind of girl! To not work and just wait for God and to talk to what I sometimes feel is thin air are two things that do not come to mind with someone like me who feels she needs to be doing something in order to feel like she's going somewhere. But, I've been learning a ton about prayer and hoping to get closet to God and on the same page. Not only am I asking him to change me into a person where I can listen better and trust better, but I'm praying that he make the paths for Redeemed straight and the barriers to be removed.

But it's been SLOW!

At the women's conference Monday where Redeemed was blessed with a table, I was able to sit in on the sessions. There, the speaker talked about waiting and she quoted 2 Peter 3:9

"The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance."

I was like, "Ok, God. I feel like I am easy to lose hope in you. I easily try to do things myself because I don't feel you working. Help me in my unbelief. Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I have doubt."

Today rolls around and I went for my run this morning. I listened to Breakaway Ministries where Ben Stewart talked about Moses and talking to the Pharaoh about letting the Israelites free. I realized that God had the power to defeat the Egyptians in one fell swoop. He could have done more supernatural plagues. Why would he tell Pharaoh that the judgement was coming? Why did he remove the plagues when Pharaoh asked? Why didn't he just skip to number 10 if that was what was going to set his people free?

I realized that God uses this pattern with the Israelites too in the prophets of the Bible. He constantly declared judgement and then deferred it when the people turned back to him. It wasn't until they had utterly renounced God that he gave them over to the Babylonians. If you look at God then, he was trying to be merciful to his people. He was trying to get them to repent of their ways and extend them grace. But notice that he never gave up on them. He rescued them from their bondage again and ultimately sent Jesus to save them forever.

If you look at the Pharaoh in that light, I believe that God was also attempting to show mercy to the Egyptians. Ben Stewart talked about how he knew that the "goings on" in Egypt were spread to the entire countryside and he wanted to make his name known. Not in an egotistical way, but because he knew he was what they needed.

God dragged out the process, which I know what frustrating for Moses and the Israelites. But the Bible says that a multitude went with the Israelites out of Egypt and I'm 90% certain that many Egyptians believed in God due to the plagues and went with the Israelites out of Egypt. God's name went out so far that even a prostitute named Rahab had heard of the God of the Israelites before they even arrived at the city walls. God's name went out so far, that centuries later, many who aren't even Christian know this story and can watch it in cartoon form in the "Prince of Egypt."

As I look at this and try to free people in my own culture, some obvious parallels occur. I feel like God is giving me the worst pep talk of the century. He's like, "I've put it on your heart to free these people, but you are going to encounter all these issues along the way." I'm starting to imagine what Moses felt like when God said, "Go tell Pharaoh to let my people go, but I'm going to harden his heart."

However, I believe that if God wanted to, he could free all the men, women and children being trafficked in the world this very instant. He has the power to do that. However, just like he has done for centuries, God likes to use people. It's his favorite medium to work with. God begins with relationships and even though I feel like he's dragging out the process and time is of the essence so no one has to be trafficked ever again, I believe God has a purpose. I believe he has a plan. I believe his name is going to be glorified because of the abolition of trafficking and I pray, that many see this work and accept his graceful love.

Am I frustrated? Yes. Am I patient? Not really. But do I trust?

Absolutely. Because he is faithful, even in my doubt.

When God and Passion Collide

So this morning I got a rare opportunity. I got to combine my love for running with outreach for my church.

It created itself out of a random conversation with my boss. He planned an outreach event for Saturday morning. I plan my long runs on Saturday morning. I told him about it, he said run while you are at the event. So I did!

I took a handful of flyers. After everything was set up at the park for the kids, I started down the road towards White Rock Lake.

People were sparse on the first two miles. I guess they were all watching Saturday morning cartoons. But as I came up on the road to the lake, there were TONS of people. I'm always scared to start up a seemingly random conversation. Plus, I didn't think about the fact that runners were going to have to stick my invitation somewhere or carry it in their hand. Some rejected my invite on the excuse they didn't want to carry it, but hey...once the first rejection was over and I didn't die, I got more confident and bold. I talked to a couple of guys running ahead of me, several couples and moms walking their babies in their ginormous strollers. The conversations were short, but powerful. So here's my short yet powerful takeaway.

We go through life and we seem busy. So much to do and so little time! But if we take a second and look around at the amount of people running along side us in the same neighborhoods, we have an amazing opportunity to just take a chance and invite them to experience the only institution Jesus established on Earth: the church. Jesus had the audacity to look up when he was busy in the middle of a crowd and see Zacchaeus. Jesus invited himself over for crying out loud (culture shock!) and life change happened.

Some people at my church are good at preaching the Word of God. Some are good at music. There are others that are good at lights, welcoming people, inviting people, taking care of kids, organizing things, making food. These are all good things, but the aggregate component of our parts as a church don't make life change happen. We can have the best people for all these things and not have a single person come to Christ. But if we put God in the equation, then the aggregate parts come together as a whole and supernaturally cause people to come to Christ and eternities are changed forever.

I'm good at running and getting better at screwing up the courage to talk to random people. I had way more rejections than people accepting the invites. Jesus warned that would happen though! (Mark 4) However, I have complete faith that Jesus will take those tiny conversations I had and turn them into life change, some way or another.

My question is, what has God called you to do at your church and are you doing it to the best of your ability? You can have faith with your gift too and I dare you to use it and watch God make it bigger and better than you could have dreamed.

Personal, Controversial Jesus Conversation About My Control Issues.

Me and Duchess being goofy together!

I feel like there is a pattern coming around. I feel like starting every blog with:

"WEEEEEEEEEEELL, I've been busy working...."

And it's true. I haven't just been working. I've spent time with my amazing husband, hanging out with Redeemed people...and working. But it's been a decent balance recently of work and rest. I've slowly been unpacking the apartment, have successfully found the post office box (seriously, it was a three day adventure) and I know where the nearest Starbucks is. Win!

I've been feeling in a slump in my running. It's been hot. It's been hard to go and find good running spots too because I've been by myself and don't know where to go that is safe yet. So I've made good use of my treadmill, but my spirit (and my dog) miss being out in nature on a long run through pretty trees. I can't wait for fall.

I also feel a bit at a slump in life. It doesn't help I've been in transition as well. I don't really have a "schedule" yet (whatever that means for someone in ministry who schedules their life around when their husband is home). It's a constant evaluation for me every day to know what my day looks like.

One thing that doesn't change for me is the fact that I have Jesus in my life, particularly in the mornings. I love having my oatmeal in my favorite chair with my coffee and my blanket. Sometimes, Duchess likes to squeeze in with me and we have morning time together. I've been pondering what to read in my Bible next. I've read all of it now a couple times. So as I pondered and prayed this morning, something struck me that I wanted to share.

I've been listening to C. S. Lewis on tape. Specifically, Mere Christianity. I got to a point where he talks about people's perception of Jesus. I recently had a conversation with a teenager at church where he was struggling with the idea of Jesus being the Son of God. I think many people struggle with that. They like the idea of him being a good teacher because then they can pick and choose what makes them feel better and leave out the parts they don't like or that challenge their way of living. Jesus didn't leave room for people to accept him as just a good teacher. What he said was extremely counter-cultural. It upset the people in power. In John chapter 14, He said, "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." So you either have to accept that he is who he says he is, or he's a lunatic. I don't know about you, but if someone came up to me and said he was the Son of God, I'd be weirded-out.

Brant Hansen said it this way recently; what if Jesus was a short, Iranian man who talked about things that were extremely counter-cultural (like...don't use Facebook or dress modest!) and only answered your questions with vague stories that left you asking more questions than you had in the first place? What if his entire family (except him of course) were criminals? Would you believe he was the Son of God? Would he look or seem like someone who you would give your life for, based on faith that this counter cultural man says that he loves you?

Then I thought about this as I ate my oatmeal this morning. What if I had lunch with Jesus? What if we got some Gluten Free stuff at P. F. Changs today and got to sit at the table together, face to face. What would I want to ask?

My gut response was, "How do I get people to care?" It's been something that has bothered me for a while now. I don't know how people see things that go on around them and not help. Why do people say they love Jesus, and then don't help the people who need to see his love the most? It's hard for me to realize other people haven't had the same experience as me when it comes to realizing Jesus loves them and wants us to love others the same. They are in a different part of the journey and that's ok.

But as I went through my day today, I pondered a ton more on why I would ask that question. Long story short, I think I would ask that question because I struggle with grace.

I have grown up thinking if I do A, B and C then God will reward me with D. If I tithe, read my Bible, go to church, help those that he places in my life, then he will help me through the rough times and make the big things happen perfectly. I realized in college this doesn't stand up to anything God has in mind for my life. But I still struggle with the idea that if something isn't going the way I think it should, maybe I'm not doing something right. Maybe my relationship with God is off or I'm not in His will. This is of course, ludicrous. God never says that it will work like that but I struggle with my perception of Christianity looking like karma. If I do good things, good thing will happen to me.

Right now, things aren't going like I want. Jared is home a whopping 11 days next month. He won't get to run my half marathon with me. We won't get to watch any Aggie games together. I struggle with the fact that he's not flying. The picture that others painted for us of what life for us would look like in his job schedule is nothing like our reality. I'm struggling with the future of my job with our new campus opening up. I don't know what I'm going to be asked (or worse...not asked) to do! I'm struggling with Redeemed as I tell people about what happens in their city and they don't step up to help in the cause.

But, if you notice, what I'm struggling with are things that are completely out of my control! I have no way to influence how Jared's job goes. I have no influence on what our new campus will look like. I have no influence on who comes and goes with Redeemed. There is literally nothing I can do to change the outcome to what I want it to look like. Everything is in God's hands. Meanwhile, I sit here by myself and look into a very foggy future. I don't know what my next week will look like, much less the next month. That's a hard thing for a major planner like me.

So, I'm sitting here crying. However, also thankful that even though I don't have control of every situation going on in my life, I know who does. He's already shown me in the past he has everything taken care of even if I don't realize it at first. I can look at that and place my faith on what he's already done.

Thankfully, I can also look at the world around me that he created and I know that he is creating something in my life just as beautiful. He's creating something just as wondrous as the trees I run under, just as magnificent as my big Texas sunsets that I see planes flying through and just as magical as the bright starry skies with the moon lighting up the night. I've given my life to him and love him with all my heart.

If I were to sit across the table from Jesus, I would ask something different than my original question now that I have thought about it. I would ask, "Can you just reassure me that you love me, and give me the power to trust you more?" I hope, and would like to think, that he wouldn't give me some vague story or leave me with an answer that causes me to go, "Wha...????"

He would look at me, smile, and simply say "Always."