Say something, I'm giving up.

It's after midnight and I can't fall asleep. I didn't even have hot chocolate or anything with caffeine in it. Instead, I have a song stuck in my head. And after an hour of learning it on the guitar trying to get it all out, it's still eating at me. GT English critical reading essays have ruined me for life I think. So you all get a treat of my insomniac critical essay on the song stuck in my head.

But I think you will like it.

The song in question is called "Say Something," by A Great Big World. It's a beautiful yet slightly haunting melody that I just can't get enough of.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.Immediately, I see two people, not unlike Jared and myself, who are at the end of a particularly frustrating argument. If it's me singing it, it's probably because I've done all the talking and I'm just yearning for him to engage. I'll be his girl, if he wants it. I will follow him anywhere, just like I have in the past. But I need that connection. I need him to talk with me.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Here we see expectations meeting reality. The enormity of the anger, frustration, sadness and loneliness in the relationship is causing me to feel so incapable of solving it. I had expectations of love, but I obviously was naive to think that it would be like what I expected.

But hey. I realize I'm going to mess up. This is my first (and hopefully only) marriage. I'm going to mess up. Just like a toddler, I have to learn to walk before I can run.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

When I feel like I'm getting no response, my corresponding reaction is that I can't communicate with you. My feelings are not getting heard, just causing more pain, more grief, more doubt that I could ever help make this work. So instead of getting hurt more, I'm just going to say goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

And yet, even after all the hurt, all the anguish, I repeat myself just one last time. I still hold out hope that I can somehow, someway, get a positive response...

While I relate to this song on a level in my marriage primarily, I've been thinking that this is much like my friendships sometimes. I'd venture to say, this pops up in almost any relationship of any sort. People we love sometimes don't realize how much we crave their interaction, their affection or their support in our lives and we just cry out in angst for someone to say something, anything, where we don't feel alone. It can be heightened by social media, where we can have so many "friends" yet feel so alone at home.

But as Christmas rolls around and it heightens our sensitivity to our social relationships, I think this song touches a much deeper level of need that people are seeking. In reality, we are looking for unconditional love. Yet, we are seeking it from humans whom are incapable of it.

Now we have all heard that God loves us. But it's a ton easier to believe that God exists rather than believe that an all powerful being cares about me and my going-ons personally. It's hard to believe that he cares about my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, my fears. It's hard to believe that he's as interested in hearing about my day at work as he is about orphans in Africa.

But that's the truth. And yet, sometimes it's so hard to feel that love. It's so hard to feel it and believe it, especially in the hardest and most painful circumstances. It's at that point that we yell out, "Say something!" to God, hoping that we get a burning bush or a parting of the sea to show us his power. We doubt. We say I would have followed you. Yet because I cannot feel you or see any inkling of your interaction with me, I'm giving up on you.

Maybe you have had this kind of interaction with God. Now, Christmas is just a reminder of that struggle with God and the feelings of being alone. But what you have to realize is that during a storm, all you can see are the clouds and the thunder and lightning. It gets really dark and dangerous as the storm builds and starts dumping water everywhere.

When I went running the other day, it was raining at the beginning. But after an hour or so of running through the rain and the cold, the rain stopped, the clouds moved and the sun came out. That got me thinking. Just because it's storming doesn't mean the sun isn't there. It's just hidden. Get in a plane (if it's safe) and pop up through the clouds and it's there. Shining as ever, giving a warm glow. In a life storm, all you may see are the dark and rainy parts. The lighting may frighten you and the thunder may be loud, but God's still there, behind the storm. He will never leave you. The song we may sing in our anguish is, thankfully, not his song.

His song can be found in 2 Timothy chapter 2:
"If we died with him, we will also live with him.
If we endure, we will also reign with him.
If we deny him, he will also deny us.
If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, since he cannot deny himself."

God will always remain faithful, even if we say goodbye to him due to our unbelief. He is love. He is grace. He came to Earth on Christmas to bring you hope that you are not alone in the storm. You are not alone in your struggle or your anguish. You do not have the bear the burdens of your destructive behavior you have now. God came to give himself as a gift to the world. It's like a present under the tree. It's been paid for and wrapped, all you have to do is accept it for your own.

If Jesus were to rewrite some of this song, I think he would say
Say something, I'm coming to you.
I love you and I give my life for you.
Anywhere, I'm always with you.
Say something, yet I'm not giving up on you.

Things I've Learned From My Dog

She's cuddly. She's furry. She begs for all of my food. She's my loveable, adorable dog.

But the story of what I've learned from Duchess, goes way further back. Back to before I even was thinking where I'd go to college or who I'd marry.

My mom got me involved in dance. I think the incessant dancing naked around the house with my towel as my cape after baths (while listening to Disney songs) tipped her off about my love for dance. That love for dance turned into dance class almost every day of the week, for about two or three hours each day. Even though I constantly looked at the clock during class to see when it was time to go, I think this exercise routine really prepped my body for doing high intensity workouts for long periods of time.

After I had to quit dance due to my over-commitment to extra curricular activities, I still exercised. While band required me to spend two hours every day in the sun, I began to get involved in running. I had always wanted to be a runner. But when I'd go try to reenact my Pocahontas "Colors of the Wind" routine, I'd always be winded just by running a few steps. Back then, 10 minutes of running/walking around the small pond was, in my opinion, a difficult workout. I'd do Pilates, kickboxing with mom, walking and weight lifting, but running was always my secret ambition.

College brought along sporadic running with my roommates, but nothing to really be consistent about. And with busy schedules during the summer of my junior and senior year, exercise had really fallen off the radar. It was an occasional blip on the horizon.

So when we got Duchess, we knew that she would be a big ball of energy. I mean, just look at her when she was a puppy!

She's 10 weeks old in this picture!

It was love at first sight!

Jared and Duchess playing!

But I was excited about her being a giant fluffy energy ball. I knew that it was going to force me to take her on walks and be active. I wanted to get back to being active and moving! But when we took her on these walks, we quickly realized this husky/lab pup liked walks. But what she really loved, was running.

So as she got older, Jared and I started an exercise routine with her. We would go run in the neighborhood, working on just being able to run a mile without walking. Duchess would be so happy on runs. Even today, she gets so excited she just pulls us along. We just have to move our feet to go forward. She thinks she's a sled dog. She loves it when we run "in formation" with her in front and dead center of Jared and I. When it's just Duchess and I, she loves running right beside me.

I'm often chasing these two on our runs!

But as my dream for running a marathon grew, she became a part of that training process. When I wanted to just sit on the couch, she would be so disappointed if we didn't get out there and run.

Mom? Are we going running today?

She's so excited to go running!

She trained right along side me. We started out with those 30 second intervals a year and a half ago, and now she's doing up to 10 miles with me in the blistering 32 degree winter wind (5 if it's hot!). We come home from those long runs, and she wants to play as if we didn't just cover some serious milage!

She's post-run cooling in front of the fan...

...five minutes later, she wants to play!

Tug of war is her favorite!

What I've learned from her is that running is supposed to be fun. When we first start to run, she looks back at me with that little happy trot and it's like she's telling me this is the best thing ever! She's become the best running buddy ever. She loves to run so much, it makes me smile and makes those long, solo runs more enjoyable.

Post run shenanigans in the car!

Second thing I've learned from her, is to see the world with wonder. We almost always see a bobcat or armadillo on our runs (sometimes raccoons!) and she thinks these animals are new found friends. She gets to excited to try to meet them. Poor dog doesn't realize that's not a good idea, but that's not the point. Even if it's a person on rollerblades, she thinks every new thing is a fantastic, new experience and she gets so excited to meet new people and do new things.

That leads me into the next thing I've learned from Duchess. She loves people. She's learned to "defend the fortress" when we are home, but she loves meeting all the people we pass in the parks and loves kids! We often stop and let kids pet her and she gets so many compliments from people passing by on how pretty she is. I wish I could love people as unconditionally as her.

Turkey Trot this year, she's wondering when we can start running and meeting new dogs!

So as we are in the final preparations of our marathon training and in the peak week with our 20 mile run (that she won't get to join us on) I have to say I love this dog. She's an amazing friend and companion through all the crazies of life. She has taught me so much about running and loving people. She's become the catalyst to help me dream and stick to my marathon training when I wanted to quit. I wish I could give her a medal or something for all the miles she's put in with me. But let's be honest. She's a dog. And I think she would rather just have me take her out on a bonus run as a reward. :)

Back from the Silent...something...trying to sound cool...

Hello everyone! It's been a while since I've posted. I've been busy getting things for work done, attending different events for Redeemed, decorating for Christmas, spending time with family, etc. Then #iceapocalypse hit Dallas Thursday and it has forced me to slooooowwwww dooooowwwwwnn. Hence, now I have plenty of time to blog!

My favorite picture from our adventure out yesterday.

Jared and I are getting a little stir crazy in our 720 sq ft apartment (and that includes our deck and laundry room/outdoor storage area). We have made Christmas presents, cooked. I attempted to paint my nails and they didn't turn out as bad as usual. We have done laundry, cleaned, discovered Undercover Boss on Netflix and probably spent more time on Facebook and Pinterest than ever before! Problem is, we are running out of things to do!

Jared and I took a walk yesterday and slid around for a bit. Jared attempted to go to work this morning but there were tons of people stranded at the little gas station next to our apartment and police officers were advising everyone to stay home. I have to say, it's not the fact that I have spent three days at home that's really bugging me. It's the fact that I have no other option but to stay home. I don't like it when I can't go out and do things I want on my unexpected time off and that's what is really wearing down on me.

I think about what I would be doing right now if I hadn't been iced in. First, I would have worked a ton more. We would have done a big outreach at the Children's parade, a fun party for foster kids, I would have friends over right now and we would be eating a big pasta dinner in preparation for our marathon relay tomorrow. It may seem overdramatic, but it's almost like I'm grieving over it. These fun things to do with people I love no longer are happening and I'm pretty sad.

I've prayed a ton over the last few days. I've asked God what the deal is and where he is going with this. After all, with the marathon relay, I felt that was something he asked me to do. I am sad we didn't get to invite the people at the Children's parade to church. I'm sad for the kids that were supposed to come to our church this weekend.

But Jared and I in all of our Netflix-ing watched the Polar Express last night. My favorite part of this movie is when the kid had seen the effects of Santa Claus. With the Polar Express and elves (which honestly are a little creepy in that movie) and a giant mound of presents and the reindeer, he still had to choose to believe even if he couldn't see Santa. He had to act on faith. The conductor even said, "Seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can't see."

God obviously doesn't come down in visual form of his glory and power. We would all wig out! But we see the effect of God. We see the changed lives, the peace, the miracles. We feel the effects of God in our emotions and our lives when we do life the way he designed it. It never seems to make sense, like reindeer flying with a sled full of presents for the entire world, but somehow it always works out.

So I'll continue to keep myself busy until we finally see the ice melt. I'm so not looking forward to my workout on the dreadmill tomorrow. Jared's vacuuming right now, and he HARDLY EVER VACUUMS. And even after the ice melts and we go on with our lives, I will continually act on faith, even when the doubt creeps in. God doesn't necessarily make sense, but I believe he knows what he's doing!

Moses and Me

So I have had several awesome things happen over the last couple of days that I really wanted to share with you all! I mentioned in my last post that I was dealing with a ton of doubt. Doubt about myself, Redeemed, church, EVERYTHING it seemed. I was in a funk and having a hard time shaking it.

Well, I've had some great conversations with people. God's been connecting a ton of dots. It would take a long time to explain everything that has happened but God is opening small doors and providing hopeful avenues even when it seems there is no way.

The last few days I've been focusing on waiting and prayer. These are probably some of the hardest things for me to do! I'm a goal oriented, step by step process kind of girl! To not work and just wait for God and to talk to what I sometimes feel is thin air are two things that do not come to mind with someone like me who feels she needs to be doing something in order to feel like she's going somewhere. But, I've been learning a ton about prayer and hoping to get closet to God and on the same page. Not only am I asking him to change me into a person where I can listen better and trust better, but I'm praying that he make the paths for Redeemed straight and the barriers to be removed.

But it's been SLOW!

At the women's conference Monday where Redeemed was blessed with a table, I was able to sit in on the sessions. There, the speaker talked about waiting and she quoted 2 Peter 3:9

"The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance."

I was like, "Ok, God. I feel like I am easy to lose hope in you. I easily try to do things myself because I don't feel you working. Help me in my unbelief. Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I have doubt."

Today rolls around and I went for my run this morning. I listened to Breakaway Ministries where Ben Stewart talked about Moses and talking to the Pharaoh about letting the Israelites free. I realized that God had the power to defeat the Egyptians in one fell swoop. He could have done more supernatural plagues. Why would he tell Pharaoh that the judgement was coming? Why did he remove the plagues when Pharaoh asked? Why didn't he just skip to number 10 if that was what was going to set his people free?

I realized that God uses this pattern with the Israelites too in the prophets of the Bible. He constantly declared judgement and then deferred it when the people turned back to him. It wasn't until they had utterly renounced God that he gave them over to the Babylonians. If you look at God then, he was trying to be merciful to his people. He was trying to get them to repent of their ways and extend them grace. But notice that he never gave up on them. He rescued them from their bondage again and ultimately sent Jesus to save them forever.

If you look at the Pharaoh in that light, I believe that God was also attempting to show mercy to the Egyptians. Ben Stewart talked about how he knew that the "goings on" in Egypt were spread to the entire countryside and he wanted to make his name known. Not in an egotistical way, but because he knew he was what they needed.

God dragged out the process, which I know what frustrating for Moses and the Israelites. But the Bible says that a multitude went with the Israelites out of Egypt and I'm 90% certain that many Egyptians believed in God due to the plagues and went with the Israelites out of Egypt. God's name went out so far that even a prostitute named Rahab had heard of the God of the Israelites before they even arrived at the city walls. God's name went out so far, that centuries later, many who aren't even Christian know this story and can watch it in cartoon form in the "Prince of Egypt."

As I look at this and try to free people in my own culture, some obvious parallels occur. I feel like God is giving me the worst pep talk of the century. He's like, "I've put it on your heart to free these people, but you are going to encounter all these issues along the way." I'm starting to imagine what Moses felt like when God said, "Go tell Pharaoh to let my people go, but I'm going to harden his heart."

However, I believe that if God wanted to, he could free all the men, women and children being trafficked in the world this very instant. He has the power to do that. However, just like he has done for centuries, God likes to use people. It's his favorite medium to work with. God begins with relationships and even though I feel like he's dragging out the process and time is of the essence so no one has to be trafficked ever again, I believe God has a purpose. I believe he has a plan. I believe his name is going to be glorified because of the abolition of trafficking and I pray, that many see this work and accept his graceful love.

Am I frustrated? Yes. Am I patient? Not really. But do I trust?

Absolutely. Because he is faithful, even in my doubt.

When Doubt Creeps In

It's been a rough couple of weeks.

Nothing drastically bad has happened. I just have had small things happen over the last few weeks. But we all know that these small things can build up and become big monsters in no time.

First small things that have happened have been with Redeemed. In this case it's things not happening. Churches backing out on us coming to talk to them, people flaking out on things they committed to, etc. I was really excited about some of these things happening and the fact that they didn't' work out really bummed me out.

Second thing that has been happening is kinda good. Jared and I started going through Financial Peace together. We are not in financial crisis by any standard. However, we have learned a whole bunch. Yet, when we talk about things that need to get paid for or things that we want to do and we can't afford them, it's another small let down. Can I survive without participating in the Turkey Trot this year? Sure I can. Can we survive without eating out? Absolutely. And we probably will be better off without it. But when it seems all my husband worries about when we go out is the bottom line of "how much is this going to cost us," it really makes time together a bummer. We've since discussed this and make an agreement on how to change it (which is why I'm ok with telling whoever reads this about this conflict in my marriage). What's bumming me out though is that Jared and I have had several talks recently. Really deep ones. We've talked out so many things recently and I think we have reached a new level of understanding each other. I just sometimes feel like I am a bad wife.

This leads into the third thing that happened. Jared turned 25! I was so pumped for him. He was getting new shirts, boots for work, tons of birthday cards and tons of money (yay!) that I hoped made him feel special. However, I wasn't able to really do anything this year. This is a big deal for me because I usually am scheming a month out on surprises and fun things to do. But this year, I didn't want to spend that much money and I didn't have the time to devote to it like I have in the past. Add in Jared had to work on his birthday and all I could really do was tell him happy birthday and smile, and hopefully go to a restaurant he liked (which didn't happen either). To see the disappointment on his face made me feel like the worst person ever.

As a personality that bases most of my value on results, I feel pretty let down. I have many doubts right now that have been playing in the back of my head. I'm a terrible wife. I am not qualified enough to lead an anti-human trafficking organization. I'm not a good friend to those I love. I'm terrible with money. All my insecurities have come creeping up and causing me to doubt everything.

So the question is, what do I do with the doubt? What do I do with the insecurity and the heartache and the anxiety? As passionate as a person I am, my highs are really high yet my lows can be all-consuming.

So today, I broke out my first love, music. I pulled out the guitar my parents lovingly bought me for Christmas a few years ago and I found myself having my own mini-worship time. It's been forever since I played and I was surprised at how much my fingers remembered where to go and how steady I was able to keep my strumming. I love my guitar and the tone matches my voice amazingly. After revisiting some of my old favorites I used to play when I led worship, I decided to teach myself a new song. The first song that came to mind was "Oceans" by Hillsong.

The first time I heard this song, I was at church alone. Jared was out at work and we had just had a disagreement. It's crazy how you can be in a crowd of people and feel so isolated. I felt so alone. When they played this song I cried my eyes out. The words in the bridge just pierced my heart.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

I have asked God to use me and call me to places that people have never been to yet. I've asked for him to teach me how to love him more and rely on him for everything. As I was teaching myself how to play this song today I realized I'm in that place right now. I'm stretching and growing. God is the only one who is going to take my ministry, my marriage and my relationships and make them into the beauty God designed them to be.

As a results oriented person, I realized that what I have to do is just rest in God. Do my part and then rest it in his hands. And when doubt creeps in, all I can do is sing this chorus to him.

"I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine"

I find that so comforting to know that if everything goes south, if everything crumbles, if everything just falls apart, God still loves me, still has a plan for me. I'm not just a pawn that is thrown out when I'm used, I'm cherished and I am loved. God loves me just the same has he loves everyone. He loves me the same way he loves everyone all the way back to Adam and Eve.

So I don't know what else to say but I hope that in my vulnerability, in my openness and at my low points, God can speak to you and let you know that the same goes for you. When doubt creeps in and you have those questions, know that you are loved no matter the outcome.



Hillsong United - Oceans (Live) from Hillsong Church on Vimeo.

You are a Treasure

Hello everyone! I hope you all are having as beautiful fall weather as we have been.

We just recently got the opportunity to go camping. It was amazing! We went to Lake Mineral Wells and it reminded me of my childhood a bit, camping with my dad and other Indian Princesses with the YMCA. While it was a bit on the chilly side, we enjoyed our time hiking and spending time together. Some of the views of the lake we had were breathtaking and the sunsets were some of the prettiest colors. I love waking up in the middle of the night and seeing stars shining through the ceiling of the tent. Not to mention the amazing food you get to eat on camping trips (hello s'mores!).

While we were out there, we took the time to assess what's going on in our lives. We ask each other what we are learning, what we like and dislike, how can we make things better. The whole time we were out there, I was constantly asking God what was he trying to teach me? What was new that I needed to hear?

Thing is, there wasn't anything new. But what kept coming to my head was the amazing love that God has for us. I've recently wondered about the people that robbed our house. If I had a son, would I be willing to let him die to save the murderers that came into our house and stole our security? Honestly, I wouldn't be able to. Momma bear would come out and protect my son at all costs. But that's what God sees when he looks at us. He sees a bunch of murderers, adulterers, liars, thieves and worriers. But he was willing to give up what was most precious to him in order to save us.

I recently discovered that I had been taught a parable wrong. For the longest time, I heard the parables of what the kingdom of heaven is like:

Matthew 13:44-46

“The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure, hidden in a field, that a person found and hid. Then because of joy he went and sold all that he had and bought that field.

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant searching for fine pearls. When he found a pearl of great value, he went out and sold everything he had and bought it." 

For the longest time, I read these out of context and didn't associate it with the surrounding text. I had been taught that this is how we should treat God. God is like a treasure or a pearl hidden in a field. Once we find him, we should give up everything for him. 

This is of course, really hard for humans to do. We love our TV, our food, our friendships, our jobs, our houses and to give up everything for Him is something not easily attained. Even if it is attained, I feel like a little bit of resentment sets in, especially when hard times hit. 

But the beauty of this passage is that it doesn't talk about our relationship towards God. This passage talks about God's relationship to us.

Add in the last parable:

Matthew 13:47-50

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a net that was cast into the sea that caught all kinds of fish. When it was full, they pulled it ashore, sat down, and put the good fish into containers and threw the bad away. It will be this way at the end of the age. Angels will come and separate the evil from the righteous and throw them into the fiery furnace, ⁶²  where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

When we add this parable in, we see that God is the one doing the acting. God is the one finding the treasures and the pearls and selling everything for them. God is the one that is catching the fish and bringing ones who have accepted his gift of eternal life into heaven. These passages tell us that God finds us as valuable as treasure. As beautiful as pearls. He gave everything up for us. He didn't do it because he had to. He did it because he loves us. Add in, God isn't the one hidden! God is right there, pursuing us. Wanting a relationship with us!

How wonderful is it to realize that God isn't demanding everything of us in order to follow him? He wants to meet us where we are and treats us like gold, no matter where in life we are. From personal experience, I have found the more I walk with him the more I grow to love him and allow him to change every bit of me. I talked about dreams in my previous blog. God took my small dreams and exchanged them for big, abundant dreams. I know that he will never give me a dream that he won't work out in due time. 

You may not feel like gold. You may feel dirty because you know God wouldn't approve of things in your life. But he doesn't hold those against you like some tally sheet. He values you way more than he values your shortcomings. When God chooses people in the Bible, he doesn't choose good people who happen to mess up later. He chooses messed up people in the first place and they happen to keep continuing to mess up, just because they are human! But God uses them and we still talk about the amazing things they did today!

My encouragement to you today is to hold on to the fact that God loves you. He values you more than you believe. He knew you couldn't overcome the debt that you have for your sins and so he sent the only person that could pay your debt. It's the unwavering theme of laying one's life down for love that we find in life and it's nothing new. But it is still as profound today as the first time we hear it!

Tangled Dreams

So in anticipation of our Disney run coming up (wohoo WDW Marathon!) Jared and I have been getting into the mood by watching some of our favorite Disney movies...including some ones that we are a little bit behind on, and hadn't watched yet.

One of those was Tangled. Let me say, it's my new favorite!

First off, this girl has as many hobbies as I do!

She reads more than I do!

Her mom lets her paint on the wall too!

She knits! Needless to say, I never had a chameleon sitting in my knitting...

So within 10 minutes of the movie, I'm already in love with this girl. I've been described by others as ...mmmmmm.... passionate. I have so many emotions. When they come up though, they are super extreme.

First thrill of leaving the tower!

Then, she starts feeling guilty about lying.

But then she's elated and running around! I love Flynn's expression in this picture!

Then she is at a low point again, feeling like the worst daughter ever.

Next moment she's swinging from the tree singing, "BEST DAY EVER!!!!"

Then she's face down feeling like a despicable human being...

I feel like this explains Jared and I's relationship pretty well. I go all extreme, and he just bears with me! Talk about true love!

But despite the love story, the happily ever after, the witty points of the creators in the movie, the dramatic death with the extra-dramatic bringing back to life moment... I feel there is one moment in this movie where it is the most tender, the most simple and the most profound.

Right before she is about to see the lanterns, Rapunzel is worried. When Flynn asks what's wrong, she says she's terrified. What if her dream isn't everything she hoped for? Or worse...what if it is? What then?

As a dreamer, I've often had this moment. I've been dreaming about running the Disney marathon. I often have the fear that I go through all this training, put in the hours and the miles (and my mom's money since it's my birthday, Christmas, and birthday gift all combined) and it's not everything I dreamed of. What if something goes wrong? What if I get injured or sick and can't race? What if I can't finish?

I had this line of thinking with my wedding day. After the waiting and the planning and the anticipation, what if it wasn't everything I dreamed of? I've had this moment in ministry. Planning events and hoping for people to come. What if they don't? What happens if nobody comes or cares?

Flynn tells Rapunzel that this moment with them in the boat watching the lanterns will be everything that she dreams of. And I think this is important. If we focus on the negative points, we will never enjoy the moment that we have been waiting for. We will never be free to just enjoy it. Then, he says something very profound. Once you've lived your dream, you get to go find a new one!

Marathoners often experience Post-Marathon-Syndrome. They've worked so hard towards this marathon that in the aftermath, they start looking around and go, "Ok. Did that. What now?" Newlyweds often have Post-Wedding-Syndrome, where now that the hype of the wedding is over, they look at each other and go, "Now what?" New moms can have Post-Baby-Depression (there's a clinical term for that which I'm blanking on right now) where they have anticipated this baby and now that it's here, they go, "What do I do with this thing???"

But here's the deal. If our dreams and desires are in line with God's heart and His plan, our moments where dreams are realized are going to be way more amazing than we could have ever dreamed. Earlier I wrote a blog about the garage sale I did for my kids. All that work and stress and God blessed it three times over what I was hoping and dreaming for. Then, God gave me new dreams and gave me the directions on where to take them. This past week has been one that I have been really doubting the dreams. I've been doubting if they would come true at all. If they did, would they will be everything I hoped for?

But the truth is, I've seen God work in my life. I've seen him bring dream after dream to life and he has never failed to give me a dream that he wouldn't work out in it's due time.

So today I want to encourage you, never stop dreaming! Ask God to give you dreams and desires that fall into his heart. Give up ok, self made dreams for great, God given ones. Don't give up hope on your God given dreams, and when doubt comes, trust in Him to bring you through.

And then when it happens, we will all look like this, entering the Kingdom of God!

At this point in the movie, Jared looks over and says, "You didn't tell me they filmed you going into Disney World!!"

Have a great rest of your day!! Love you all!

Authentic Contentment

Hello everyone! It's been an amazing week and weekend so far!

Last weekend I got to run another race with my parents..the Rhar and Sons Oktoberfest 5K! While I couldn't drink the beer due to my food allergy, I still had tons of fun with my parents and set a PR for my 5K!

Mom and I before the race!

Right before the start!

Post Race Festivities!

I finally (officially!) PR'ed my 5K at 29:54.6!

Now, one thing I want to make sure gets across, is that it's easy to look at someone who's achieved a ton of their goals (especially all at once) and say, "Wow. It's great you can do that. You are superwomen! I can't do what you do."

And if that's what you have to say, then I have failed as the goal of my blog. This blog isn't to show off to the world about my running. I'm not that good in the first place! But what I hope you see is someone who was challenged, set goals, and worked step by step to meet them. I had two major milestones this past week that had me on cloud nine. But they have been milestones months in the making. A year and a month if you want to be exact! I am a normal, messed up human being with sin and trials and, thankfully, a Savior. I couldn't run 30 seconds at the beginning of this journey. I hope you see my writing as an authentic representation of what God is teaching me, and I hope He is using it to encourage and challenge you to be in His presence, in His love. Without him none of this is possible.

Something along the same lines that I have learned from it all, is that while I set goals and strive to achieve them, I have actually learned how to live in the moment. I have learned to enjoy the journey. I don't run and pine or worry over the ability to run a marathon. I simply say, "This is what I can do today, and it's the next step to get me where I need to be tomorrow." I've been able to spend some quality time with God on my long runs. I've learned to worship him even if my legs are screaming and some of my most treasured moments with him have been while I'm alone running through his creation. I've learned that God has me right where I need to be no matter what the circumstances and I am content in that!

So with that said, here's to another round of training. This one leads to my BIG goal, the one I've been working toward for 13 months. The Walt Disney World Marathon!

Here we go!

Plano Balloon Festival Half Marathon

Hello everyone! Yesterday I had the most amazing time racing with my parents at the Plano Balloon Festival! You can relive my race with me in the video below!



Plano Half Marathon from Madelyn on Vimeo.

It was a great race. Several things factored into making it my best race ever:

1) We had our first cold front move in through Texas! The morning was just cold enough without too much rise in the heat at the end of the race. My hard training this summer in the heat really helped me be able to push hard in the ladder miles so that I was hitting negative splits. My last mile was my fastest!

2) I was racing with my family! Dad and I passed each other a ton and ran the middle of the race together. He was staying steady while I was having my middle-of-the-race slump and he kept pushing me to keep my pace up!

3) I worked on my speed. This training cycle, I spent one run a week working specifically on speed. I worked on pushing my lactate threshold back as well as learning to run on tired legs. I think working on my fast finish training runs really gave me the "umph" I needed at the end!

4) I learned from my last race to not drink as much water! All the sloshing around in my stomach was causing me cramps. Also, I remembered to fuel early and often. I didn't hit the wall in this race because I found Cliff Shot Blocks (which I love so much) to fuel my race!

5) I have the best family and friends! The constant cheering from my Nike +, the love I knew I had during training and the promise of getting to Skype with Jared at the end really contributed to the race day magic. Thank you so much for your support and love for me as I have gone through this journey!

6) The last, yet probably most important, was the special time with God I have gotten during my training. I have had moments where I have just been able to worship him during my runs and unplug long enough to spend quality time with him. You might think I'm weird, but it's true. God has shown me through running I am more capable than I thought and can do more than I could have ever imagined. He doesn't put limits on how he can use me, I do.

Put this all together and I was able to run the entire 13.1 miles without walking, a feat I have never accomplished before. Even on my previous long runs, I take numerous walk breaks to drink Gatorade or eat. Not this time! I ran and ate and everything! I felt so good, so prepped, that when I slowed to drink a tiny sip of water at mile 12, my legs were like, "What's this walking thing you speak of? We don't like it!" I hit my pace goal of being in the vicinity of two and a half hours with a final time of 2:33. I think I could have gotten a  faster time if I would have really been serious about running the tangents.

But you know, that's learning for the next race. :)

Next stop: Disney!

The Marriage Gift

 

I had the privilege to attend one of the most beautiful weddings last night.

For obvious reasons, my favorite wedding was my own. I was able to marry the most amazing man on Earth and so other weddings simply do not compare. So for fairness' sake, I'll just take my wedding out of the competition.

But last night's wedding was definitely a top pick, if not the top pick, of weddings I have had the privilege of attending. I love weddings. I think there should be more of them. I think they are super important and special to God's heart. Marriage is a reflection of the love God has for us. Just as a man loves a women and the women loves the man back, Jesus loves the church just as the church loves Jesus back. In a culture where increasingly more and more people co-habitate and don't get married, I treasure the times I get to witness two people committing their lives to one other with no take backs in front of their communities.

What struck me the most about this wedding is the back story of Uncle Ray and his new wife, Patty. I remember sitting in the hospital, close to Thanksgiving right before Jared and I got married. Jared's Aunt Linda was in her hospital bed, breathing slowly. She didn't talk and while the family had to leave the room to discuss things with a nurse, I had the honor of holding her hand and just getting to talk to her. I told her how beautiful her family was. How privileged I was to get to marry into it. I told her how wonderful her kids were and how I was so lucky to get to be with them and get to know them. In her pain, she managed a smile. It was the most beautiful smile I ever saw.

I watched Uncle Ray at the funeral and the days after. I saw how much he loved Linda. From a distance and through the grapevine I watched the family grow together. And then last Easter, I got to meet Patty. She was so gracious. So kind. I learned that she also had lost a spouse and in talking with her, I saw how much love she had for people.

Watching them say their vows yesterday was breathtaking. Here were two people who had loved fiercely and lost those loved ones. They both had been tested with their vows. They had lived  through sickness and health, for richer and poorer, and until death parted them. And here they were. They believed in the power of marriage and commitment to each other so strongly with their first marriages, they were willing to walk through it again with each other. Despite how heartbreaking it was to go through what they have gone through, God has gifted them a new love to walk through the rest of life together with.

And that's when it struck me. Words to explain what I have felt in the first 18 months of marriage with Jared. Marriage is a gift. When I was single I never felt I had the capacity to love someone the way I felt I should in marriage. But thankfully, God has given me the love I need to inexplicably walk through life with Jared unconditionally. We support each other in the hard times and giggle like kids with each other in the great times.

So Patty and Ray, you are probably going to get a thank you letter in the mail from me...fair warning! Thank you so much for inviting me to this wedding. Thank you for the love you have for another, the example you have set for me and for the amazing party and celebration last night! Jared and I love you both and pray for your marriage to grow in love abundantly in the future!