Say something, I'm giving up.

It's after midnight and I can't fall asleep. I didn't even have hot chocolate or anything with caffeine in it. Instead, I have a song stuck in my head. And after an hour of learning it on the guitar trying to get it all out, it's still eating at me. GT English critical reading essays have ruined me for life I think. So you all get a treat of my insomniac critical essay on the song stuck in my head.

But I think you will like it.

The song in question is called "Say Something," by A Great Big World. It's a beautiful yet slightly haunting melody that I just can't get enough of.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.Immediately, I see two people, not unlike Jared and myself, who are at the end of a particularly frustrating argument. If it's me singing it, it's probably because I've done all the talking and I'm just yearning for him to engage. I'll be his girl, if he wants it. I will follow him anywhere, just like I have in the past. But I need that connection. I need him to talk with me.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Here we see expectations meeting reality. The enormity of the anger, frustration, sadness and loneliness in the relationship is causing me to feel so incapable of solving it. I had expectations of love, but I obviously was naive to think that it would be like what I expected.

But hey. I realize I'm going to mess up. This is my first (and hopefully only) marriage. I'm going to mess up. Just like a toddler, I have to learn to walk before I can run.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

When I feel like I'm getting no response, my corresponding reaction is that I can't communicate with you. My feelings are not getting heard, just causing more pain, more grief, more doubt that I could ever help make this work. So instead of getting hurt more, I'm just going to say goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

And yet, even after all the hurt, all the anguish, I repeat myself just one last time. I still hold out hope that I can somehow, someway, get a positive response...

While I relate to this song on a level in my marriage primarily, I've been thinking that this is much like my friendships sometimes. I'd venture to say, this pops up in almost any relationship of any sort. People we love sometimes don't realize how much we crave their interaction, their affection or their support in our lives and we just cry out in angst for someone to say something, anything, where we don't feel alone. It can be heightened by social media, where we can have so many "friends" yet feel so alone at home.

But as Christmas rolls around and it heightens our sensitivity to our social relationships, I think this song touches a much deeper level of need that people are seeking. In reality, we are looking for unconditional love. Yet, we are seeking it from humans whom are incapable of it.

Now we have all heard that God loves us. But it's a ton easier to believe that God exists rather than believe that an all powerful being cares about me and my going-ons personally. It's hard to believe that he cares about my thoughts, my hopes, my dreams, my fears. It's hard to believe that he's as interested in hearing about my day at work as he is about orphans in Africa.

But that's the truth. And yet, sometimes it's so hard to feel that love. It's so hard to feel it and believe it, especially in the hardest and most painful circumstances. It's at that point that we yell out, "Say something!" to God, hoping that we get a burning bush or a parting of the sea to show us his power. We doubt. We say I would have followed you. Yet because I cannot feel you or see any inkling of your interaction with me, I'm giving up on you.

Maybe you have had this kind of interaction with God. Now, Christmas is just a reminder of that struggle with God and the feelings of being alone. But what you have to realize is that during a storm, all you can see are the clouds and the thunder and lightning. It gets really dark and dangerous as the storm builds and starts dumping water everywhere.

When I went running the other day, it was raining at the beginning. But after an hour or so of running through the rain and the cold, the rain stopped, the clouds moved and the sun came out. That got me thinking. Just because it's storming doesn't mean the sun isn't there. It's just hidden. Get in a plane (if it's safe) and pop up through the clouds and it's there. Shining as ever, giving a warm glow. In a life storm, all you may see are the dark and rainy parts. The lighting may frighten you and the thunder may be loud, but God's still there, behind the storm. He will never leave you. The song we may sing in our anguish is, thankfully, not his song.

His song can be found in 2 Timothy chapter 2:
"If we died with him, we will also live with him.
If we endure, we will also reign with him.
If we deny him, he will also deny us.
If we are unfaithful, he remains faithful, since he cannot deny himself."

God will always remain faithful, even if we say goodbye to him due to our unbelief. He is love. He is grace. He came to Earth on Christmas to bring you hope that you are not alone in the storm. You are not alone in your struggle or your anguish. You do not have the bear the burdens of your destructive behavior you have now. God came to give himself as a gift to the world. It's like a present under the tree. It's been paid for and wrapped, all you have to do is accept it for your own.

If Jesus were to rewrite some of this song, I think he would say
Say something, I'm coming to you.
I love you and I give my life for you.
Anywhere, I'm always with you.
Say something, yet I'm not giving up on you.

Moses and Me

So I have had several awesome things happen over the last couple of days that I really wanted to share with you all! I mentioned in my last post that I was dealing with a ton of doubt. Doubt about myself, Redeemed, church, EVERYTHING it seemed. I was in a funk and having a hard time shaking it.

Well, I've had some great conversations with people. God's been connecting a ton of dots. It would take a long time to explain everything that has happened but God is opening small doors and providing hopeful avenues even when it seems there is no way.

The last few days I've been focusing on waiting and prayer. These are probably some of the hardest things for me to do! I'm a goal oriented, step by step process kind of girl! To not work and just wait for God and to talk to what I sometimes feel is thin air are two things that do not come to mind with someone like me who feels she needs to be doing something in order to feel like she's going somewhere. But, I've been learning a ton about prayer and hoping to get closet to God and on the same page. Not only am I asking him to change me into a person where I can listen better and trust better, but I'm praying that he make the paths for Redeemed straight and the barriers to be removed.

But it's been SLOW!

At the women's conference Monday where Redeemed was blessed with a table, I was able to sit in on the sessions. There, the speaker talked about waiting and she quoted 2 Peter 3:9

"The Lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance."

I was like, "Ok, God. I feel like I am easy to lose hope in you. I easily try to do things myself because I don't feel you working. Help me in my unbelief. Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I have doubt."

Today rolls around and I went for my run this morning. I listened to Breakaway Ministries where Ben Stewart talked about Moses and talking to the Pharaoh about letting the Israelites free. I realized that God had the power to defeat the Egyptians in one fell swoop. He could have done more supernatural plagues. Why would he tell Pharaoh that the judgement was coming? Why did he remove the plagues when Pharaoh asked? Why didn't he just skip to number 10 if that was what was going to set his people free?

I realized that God uses this pattern with the Israelites too in the prophets of the Bible. He constantly declared judgement and then deferred it when the people turned back to him. It wasn't until they had utterly renounced God that he gave them over to the Babylonians. If you look at God then, he was trying to be merciful to his people. He was trying to get them to repent of their ways and extend them grace. But notice that he never gave up on them. He rescued them from their bondage again and ultimately sent Jesus to save them forever.

If you look at the Pharaoh in that light, I believe that God was also attempting to show mercy to the Egyptians. Ben Stewart talked about how he knew that the "goings on" in Egypt were spread to the entire countryside and he wanted to make his name known. Not in an egotistical way, but because he knew he was what they needed.

God dragged out the process, which I know what frustrating for Moses and the Israelites. But the Bible says that a multitude went with the Israelites out of Egypt and I'm 90% certain that many Egyptians believed in God due to the plagues and went with the Israelites out of Egypt. God's name went out so far that even a prostitute named Rahab had heard of the God of the Israelites before they even arrived at the city walls. God's name went out so far, that centuries later, many who aren't even Christian know this story and can watch it in cartoon form in the "Prince of Egypt."

As I look at this and try to free people in my own culture, some obvious parallels occur. I feel like God is giving me the worst pep talk of the century. He's like, "I've put it on your heart to free these people, but you are going to encounter all these issues along the way." I'm starting to imagine what Moses felt like when God said, "Go tell Pharaoh to let my people go, but I'm going to harden his heart."

However, I believe that if God wanted to, he could free all the men, women and children being trafficked in the world this very instant. He has the power to do that. However, just like he has done for centuries, God likes to use people. It's his favorite medium to work with. God begins with relationships and even though I feel like he's dragging out the process and time is of the essence so no one has to be trafficked ever again, I believe God has a purpose. I believe he has a plan. I believe his name is going to be glorified because of the abolition of trafficking and I pray, that many see this work and accept his graceful love.

Am I frustrated? Yes. Am I patient? Not really. But do I trust?

Absolutely. Because he is faithful, even in my doubt.

Love Wins

I have had the most draining, excruciating, gut-wrenching couple of weeks. If you have ever looked at your life and wondered why it seems like it’s always one thing after another, you understand how I feel.

I was all excited to go to College Station with Jared on Monday, when I got a call from Jared’s dad that one of his uncles died unexpectedly the night before. It was an uncle Jared was close to; one he grew up with, a fellow pilot and runner in the family. With that news my week saw me very anxious about telling Jared at the right time along with coordinating schedules, hotels and flights. I was so excited to see that side of the family, but got anxious about planning, making sure I had food I could eat, and making sure we planned for every possible scenario that could happen with Jared’s schedule.

But then, our worst scenario became reality. Jared got called in straight for New York. We had to leave the family early. I had to leave Jared early, without a ton of time to actually just be with him. I had to deal with my expectations for this week being so different than reality. I had to navigate the grief I feel for my family, the stresses of my work, the demands and drama of those I volunteer with/for and the sadness of Jared being gone and NOT getting to fly.

I wrote a blog a couple of days ago. It was very angry. I wrote about how I was upset that I had been at so many funerals and not many weddings. I was trying to figure out why that was. I saved it thinking I’d post it the following morning. But when I woke up, it didn’t sit right with me to post it.

I was blaming others for what was going on in my life. I was blaming my circumstances, my jobs and my perceived lack of support system. I was blaming others and how their choices were affecting me.

But to be honest, awful stuff happens. We live in a world, soaked in sin. People’s choices affect those around them all day every day, including my actions.

But, as Jared and I work together through his work schedule, things seem to get better and better. As I talk with my parents and friends and they pray for me and my work, I get the strength to do what needs to get done. And as I stood up to exit at the end of the funeral Saturday, and looked back at the hundreds of people who had showed up because they loved Jared’s uncle, I was awed.

Jared and I love each other enough to be committed, even when we have doubts about our marriage, our career choices and our future. My friends and family love me enough to listen to me vent and pray for me through the times I need it the most. And Uncle Cliff’s love for those around him brought hundreds to celebrate his life to show that God’s love through Uncle Cliff touched more lives than we knew.

I know life gets hard for all of us. We have seasons where things seem dark and dry. We don’t feel God close to us. We feel isolated from those around us as we think, “Who could possibly understand what we are going through?” We are tempted to give up, because we wonder who cares about our seemingly wasted efforts to bring life and love into such a broken world.

But we must remember that just because we can’t feel God close doesn’t mean he’s not there. Just because things are dark doesn’t mean they will be dark forever. You are not alone! God is with you and has placed people around you to go through this season with you. Our efforts are not wasted. They are seeds to bring glory to God in the perfect moment. Hold onto that as you go through whatever you have going on right now. You are loved by the one who created love.

And I read the end of the book. Love wins!

Life it What You Make It

Hi everyone. I'm sorry it's been a few days but I've thankfully been busy learning about psychology (go figure) for trauma and then I made a super quick, morale boosting trip to Dallas. It was perfect. I got to spend some quality time with my brother, mom and of course, Jared and it really gave me the spark I needed to keep going this week with a ton of motivation!

Which brings me to my title of this blog, "Life is What You Make It." Hopefully you know me well enough by now to know that this has nothing to do with us being in control of our life. God is the one who places our footsteps down the right path and shows us where to go. He knows best. But what we can choose is to go willingly, or fight him every step of the way. I look back on my time since high school and how I made choices based on prayer and faith and God has worked miracles in my life. They say hindsight is 20/20 and my hindsight shows me that God is in control and He has better plans that I could have ever dreamed of. We can either enjoy the journey and lean on him, or we can moan and complain and fight with him the whole way. Whichever way it works out, we will eventually know that He is God.

"Outside The Lines" by Hawk Nelson

Oh oh oh, oh oh oh,
oh oh oh, oh oh oh
I had two left feet and dreams to spare,
And I knew I talked too much.
But my dad said, "You'll go anywhere,
If you just tell the truth with a song."
Well, I wasn't sure how this could turn out right, oh
But he looked straight into my eyes and said,
"Don't worry, you'll do just fine.
Our God is working all of the time.
And when the sun comes up,
You'll see He paints outside the lines.
He paints outside the lines."
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh
I guess somehow, somewhere, I grew up,
But I'm still that kid at heart.
Oh, my girl laughs when I'm serious
Don't got much money, but baby, we've got trust
I'm not alway sure if this will turn out right, oh
But she looks straight into my eyes and says,
"Don't worry, we'll be just fine.
Our God is working all of the time.
And when the sun comes up,
You'll see He paints outside the lines.
He paints outside the lines."
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh
Someday, we'll walk our kids down to the street, oh
We'll send them off with all our hopes and dreams, oh
When they're not sure how this could turn out right, oh
I'll look straight into their eyes and say,
"Don't worry, you'll do just fine.
Our God is working all of the time.
And when the sun comes up,
You'll see He paints outside the lines.
He paints outside the lines."
I'll say, "Don't worry, we'll be just fine.
Our God is working all of the time.
And when the sun comes up,
we'll see He paints outside the lines.
He paints outside the lines."
Oh oh oh, oh oh oh,
oh oh oh, oh oh oh

I'm Struggling

Hi. My name is Madelyn and I'm struggling.

I know most of you are there probably are too. I deal with a ton of stuff at different times but here's what I've got going on now.

Jared is at training. I am super excited for him. I've watched him work for five years to get to this point in his life where he can finally put on a uniform and fly the planes I have seen him watch with longing as they fly over head. He has a ton of work ahead of him, but I have the confidence that he will do great.

Me on the other hand, am still stuck back home. Alone. I need to finish out a few things before we move. Problem is, until tomorrow, I haven't had anything planned. So I was put in a situation where I basically sit at home finishing a few projects and errands around the house before I go back and go to work.

Thursday was great. I had a ton of errands to run and things planned to do. I was motivated and kept myself busy and was able to be productive. Friday was a struggle but I managed to clean the apartment and get some packing done. Today, it's becoming unbearable. I have very little motivation to do anything and I am on the verge of crying for no reason while sitting in front of the TV.

Now don't get me wrong. I didn't just sit on my bottom all morning. I went and ran for two hours. I covered nine miles. It was tough. However, it was the mental strain more than the physical one that is really setting me back. I actually think it is running that is putting me into such a funk. It's such a flip flop from the usual endorphin kick I get from running.

Thursdays are usually a great running day for me. I have PR'ed my 5K for two weeks in a row on Thursdays. Last Thursday however, I walked a ton more because I realized I was lonely. Running started as a thing I was doing for myself. It turned into a journey I was taking along with my husband. Running on his favorite trail alone really crushed my spirit. It's taking a lot for me to admit that.

So today. I first of all, woke up early, which is a miracle for me. Secondly, I made it to the park and started. Miracle number two. I acknowledge that I did something amazing. I went further than I had ever run before and I ran longer than I had ever run before. Yet I am still disappointed in myself because I allowed myself to walk almost the entire 8th mile. I almost never walk when I train. I realized that when I feel tired or want to walk, I keep going because I feel like I'm chasing Jared. He is so much faster and stronger than me when it comes to running and I don't want to let him get too far ahead of me. Call me competitive but running is something we do together and it has brought us closer together. He inspires me to keep going when my body tells me, "quit." Today I didn't have that and when I felt tired or fatigued I didn't push myself. I feel like I let myself down because I know I'm capable of much more.

Parallel that to life and I feel like I'm letting myself down today because I spent two hours in front of the TV being absolutely unproductive. I have no motivation to do anything. Being alone and having nothing to work towards has really got me depressed. All I really do is want to sleep.

But you know what? If I allowed myself to just sit here and cry and mope, would I get any better? Heck no. Before Jared left he made me a blanket. Yes ladies and gentlemen. He learned how to use a sewing machine and made me the most simple yet amazing blanket to snuggle with when he is gone. And I thank the Lord for this because he gave me some of my own medicine for times just like this. He wrote verses on it for me that he knows are my favorite. One happens to be the verse that got me really on track with God in the first place back in my sophomore year of college.

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of sound mind."
~ 2 Timothy 1:7

I've struggled with fear a ton, but right now I feel like I'm struggling with the sound mind part! I have this self destructive pattern of depression when I spend too much time by myself. I allow things to just get dirty and cluttered around me, I don't eat right, I spend way too much time watching TV and I never actually make a difference for the kingdom of God. What I am lacking, is a vision.

When people talk about visions, in my living sphere, they are talking about a vision of a church, or a ministry. But honestly, our lives themselves are a ministry and we need to have a vision for our lives too. People might confuse visions with goals, but visions are more than a goal. A vision never changes in the course of your life. Goals are written and achieved but a vision is an overarching reason to why we do what we do no matter what part of your life you are talking about. Jared and I have a vision for our marriage. We wrote it on our first wedding anniversary.

"To love God, love one another, and lead by example, showing Christ's love to those around us, in words, actions and character, so that others may find Him in us and through us."

I read that and it gives me so much peace to know that God gave me a man that leads me with that vision in mind! But before you go, "I could never come up with something like that to write" as much as I love our vision, it's really not that original. You can have a vision too. Let me explain.

The idea of having a personal vision is something I've heard as a theme in the teachings that I have been listening and reading for the past week now. I've heard people talk about Proverbs 29:18a, "When there is no prophetic vision the people cast off restraint," and when I think about the Old Testament, this is true! The Israeli nation would remember God's word and hold to it and things would be great. Then when they turned away they fell into captivity. But when Jesus came He came to fulfill the law, not condemn us by it. He came so that we would be able to have a relationship with Him and because of our relationship, we could understand and practice the foundational teachings the law gives us and therefore, live a life the way God designed it. What I think people don't realize is that Jesus gave us a vision to us when we left the Earth. A vision that we can personally apply to our lives that will never change no matter what stage in life you are living.

"Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And remember,  I am with you  always, to the end of the age.”

~ Matthew 28:19-20 

And now many of you are going, "Maddie, really? The great commission? Isn't that a little old fashioned, VBS, kumbayah around the church campfire idealistic? How can we all travel to the ends of the earth being missionaries who don't make any money and expect to reach everyone?" And I'd say, yea. Sure. You are right in one sense, but wrong in another. However, if we think about it correctly, I think it can be very powerful.

I don't care if you travel all the way to Africa from Odessa, TX or never leave your condo in Miami. We are placed in a city, in a job, in a group of friends, in a gym class, in a bar, in wherever to show the love of Christ to those whom God is seeking (read: EVERYONE). Honestly, I think it's harder to witness in a corporate meeting in America than it is to go on a mission trip. Just saying. 

I started this blog to be an example of how God challenged me to see that I am more capable that I think I am. That I can handle all He has called me to be. I don't need to worry about the how. I don't need to go travel all over the world (although I want to haha). I just need to be obedient and faithful and have my vision at the forefront of my mind at all times. When I run past some bikers, or fellow runners or just someone having a picnic, I can say "Good morning!" If this is true and my God is who I say He is, that simple gesture can have a big impact! Even if I'm struggling now, I can always hold on to the hope and the love that my Savior has for me and show that to the world. And see? Now that I'm writing about it I'm already feeling better!

To end. As I've grown older one of my favorite passages in the Bible has been from Isaiah 40. It is the root of my inspiration to run and my vision for my life. I serve an awesome God and I hope that as I continue to run through the difficult times, you can see how much I love Him because of how much He loves us. 

The Lord Returns to Jerusalem

40:1 “Comfort, comfort my people,”

says your¹ God.

40:2 “Speak kindly to² Jerusalem,³ and tell her

that her time of warfare is over,⁴

that her punishment is completed.⁵

For the Lord has made her pay double⁶ for all her sins.”

40:3 A voice cries out,

“In the wilderness clear a way for the Lord;

construct in the desert a road for our God.

40:4 Every valley must be elevated,

and every mountain and hill leveled.

The rough terrain will become a level plain,

the rugged landscape a wide valley.

40:5 The splendor⁷ of the Lord will be revealed,

and all people⁸ will see it at the same time.

For⁹ the Lord has decreed it.”¹⁰

40:6 A voice says, “Cry out!”

Another asks,¹¹ “What should I cry out?”

The first voice responds:¹² “All people are like grass,¹³

and all their promises¹⁴ are like the flowers in the field.

40:7 The grass dries up,

the flowers wither,

when the wind sent by the Lord¹⁵ blows on them.

Surely humanity¹⁶ is like grass.

40:8 The grass dries up,

the flowers wither,

but the decree of our God is forever reliable.”¹⁷

40:9 Go up on a high mountain, O herald Zion!

Shout out loudly, O herald Jerusalem!¹⁸

Shout, don’t be afraid!

Say to the towns of Judah,

“Here is your God!”

40:10 Look, the sovereign Lord comes as a victorious warrior;¹⁹

his military power establishes his rule.²⁰

Look, his reward is with him;

his prize goes before him.²¹

40:11 Like a shepherd he tends his flock;

he gathers up the lambs with his arm;

he carries them close to his heart;²²

he leads the ewes along.

The Lord is Incomparable

40:12 Who has measured out the waters²³ in the hollow of his hand,

or carefully²⁴ measured the sky,²⁵

or carefully weighed²⁶ the soil of the earth,

or weighed the mountains in a balance,

or the hills on scales?²⁷

40:13 Who comprehends²⁸ the mind²⁹ of the Lord,

or gives him instruction as his counselor?³⁰

40:14 From whom does he receive directions?³¹

Who³² teaches him the correct way to do things,³³

or imparts knowledge to him,

or instructs him in skillful design?³⁴

40:15 Look, the nations are like a drop in a bucket;

they are regarded as dust on the scales.

He lifts³⁵ the coastlands³⁶ as if they were dust.

40:16 Not even Lebanon could supply enough firewood for a sacrifice;³⁷

its wild animals would not provide enough burnt offerings.³⁸

40:17 All the nations are insignificant before him;

they are regarded as absolutely nothing.³⁹

40:18 To whom can you compare God?

To what image can you liken him?

40:19 A craftsman casts⁴⁰ an idol;

a metalsmith overlays it with gold

and forges silver chains for it.

40:20 To make a contribution one selects wood that will not rot;⁴¹

he then seeks a skilled craftsman

to make⁴² an idol that will not fall over.

40:21 Do you not know?

Do you not hear?

Has it not been told to you since the very beginning?

Have you not understood from the time the earth’s foundations were made?

40:22 He is the one who sits on the earth’s horizon;⁴³

its inhabitants are like grasshoppers before him.⁴⁴

He is the one who stretches out the sky like a thin curtain,⁴⁵

and spreads it out⁴⁶ like a pitched tent.⁴⁷

40:23 He is the one who reduces rulers to nothing;

he makes the earth’s leaders insignificant.

40:24 Indeed, they are barely planted;

yes, they are barely sown;

yes, they barely take root in the earth,

and then he blows on them, causing them to dry up,

and the wind carries them away like straw.

40:25 “To whom can you compare me? Whom do I resemble?”

says the Holy One.⁴⁸

40:26 Look up at the sky!⁴⁹

Who created all these heavenly lights?⁵⁰

He is the one who leads out their ranks;⁵¹

he calls them all by name.

Because of his absolute power and awesome strength,

not one of them is missing.

40:27 Why do you say, Jacob,

Why do you say, Israel,

“The Lord is not aware of what is happening to me,⁵²

My God is not concerned with my vindication”?⁵³

40:28 Do you not know?

Have you not heard?

The Lord is an eternal God,

the creator of the whole earth.⁵⁴

He does not get tired or weary;

there is no limit to his wisdom.⁵⁵

40:29 He gives strength to those who are tired;

to the ones who lack power, he gives renewed energy.

40:30 Even youths get tired and weary;

even strong young men clumsily stumble.⁵⁶

40:31 But those who wait for the Lord’s help⁵⁷ find renewed strength;

they rise up as if they had eagles’ wings,⁵⁸

they run without growing weary,

they walk without getting tired.

Security

Howdy everyone! How's your Thursday morning going?

Mine's been a little tough. I just had to drop the hubby off at the airport for a few weeks of intense training on his part. I don't know exactly when I will get to see him again although I know I will at some point. It's always tough for me (or anyone for that matter) to drop someone I love off at the airport. First off, I'm going to miss them. Second, I'm jealous because I want to travel too! I hate saying goodbye no matter how long it will be before I see someone again.

This time however, was a bit different. Today was something that's been looming in front of me for a few weeks now and I would always get sad when I thought about it. Same for Jared. But yesterday we sat down and talked about how were feeling and how we would deal with everything going on. What we discussed coincided with something that we heard this weekend and it really helped. I thought I'd share for you in case you need to hear it.

This weekend we went to Fellowship Church Dallas, our future home church, so that we could see what it was like. Pace Hartfield gave the message. He's someone that I've always looked up to since my high school years since he was the youth pastor when I was attending the Mix. I still look up to him and what he had to say really spoke to my heart.

He talked about how we all need a reminder sometimes. That's why we have things like Memorial Day. In the Christian's case however, we also need a reminder that God loves us, no matter what. So many times, we get caught up in what we do and let that define us. We let circumstances define our identity and what the world says about us define our self worth. It's an outside-in flow of information and unfortunately, it's not the way to live.

I do this all the time though. I mean, if I go look at my Facebook, it's got all sorts of stuff on it that defines me to the world. I'm a Children's Pastor. I volunteer on a weekly basis. I like to craft as evidenced by my Pinterest posts and I am constantly running as exercise. Even my exercise has become a means for me to help others thanks to the Charity Miles app. I like to watch crime solving TV shows and I like to read. I'm married to the most amazing man ever and if you look at my pictures, I'm usually acting slightly goofy. So if we were to define me just by my Facebook page, I'd be pastor, runner, crafter, wife and volunteer.

But you know what runs in my head often? Questions like, "What happens if I can't run anymore?" "What happens if I don't volunteer?" "What happens if my husband is gone?" "What do I become if I ever leave the ministry?"

You see, if I define myself by what I do, those things can change and I experience identity crisis. I've experienced it once before, right after I got married! I mean, when you change your name and move to a different city, it's really easy to feel like you are a totally different person. But what I learned after I got married, and was reminded of after attending church this weekend, was that I am not defined by what I do, but who's I am. This blog is titled "The King's Daughter." That's not by mistake. I am the daughter of the one true High King. God is my heavenly Father and someday I get to spend eternity with him. He loved me so much that even before I was born or learned about Him, He died for me without any guarantee that I would love Him back.

So I feel like I would miss the point if I never shared with my audience, if I even have one, the reason why I do everything I do. I love God with all my heart, more than anything. From that love I begin to love the things that God loves, which includes teaching children about him, helping others in need, taking care of the body he gave me, and enjoying life to the fullest.

As I go into this next phase of my life, changing cities once again and changing churches and learning a new lifestyle as my husband starts his next part of his career, I am choosing to remember the fact that no matter what, I am the Lord's. Instead of the world and what I do defining me from the outside-in, I'm allowing my identity in Christ influence my world from the inside-out. And honestly, it looks a ton more exciting!

Musings

Hello everyone. Happy Monday (and yes, that is a legitimate thing to say. You CAN be happy on a Monday)!

I am lacking in any one big thing to share so I instead, am going to expound on a couple of small things I've had rolling around in my head. I hope they help you. :)

1. Life is always going to be crazy. What changes is the type of crazy and how much. What we can do however, is learn to keep it at a minimum or embrace it for it's fullest potential. Take Bilbo Baggins for example. He was offered a choice to sit on his behind in Bag End or to go on a journey. No matter what choice he made, we find out what kind of hobbit he was. But with the latter, we get an inspiring story of perseverance, loyalty and courage that has inspired generations. Imagine the Hobbit if he would have stayed. We would have had a short book and none of the Lord of the Rings.

2. Stop picking at scabs. We go through life and because of the chaos, we get hurt. We get some scabs. For example, I got scratched by a cat at my in law's house and I have a small cut on my arm now. It's been there for a week and now starts to itch. However, if I keep picking at it like I have, it will take even longer to heal much less bleed all over the place. If I do that with my mental or spiritual scars, I keep picking at them, bringing up the raw feelings again by thinking about them a lot, they will take longer to heal and will leave a more lasting scar.

3. What you put in is what you get out. What I eat is going to directly affect my performance while running. What I think about is like food and is going to directly affect my actions. When I feel something, I need to stop and think, "Why am I feeling this." Then pray. Then meditate on God's answer. The most important step is action. Why would I learn something from God and then not put it into action?

4. Don't undervalue hard work. Many people in my generation try to find the easy way to things. What they don't realize is that you often never get to the best things in life by trying to find short cuts. Some of the best places to see in the world require hours spent uncomfortably traveling. Fitness is never achieved through sitting on a couch. Without the hard work, you will never appreciate the end result or learn what you learn along the journey.

5. Don't wait for tomorrow. I just finished teaching my 5th graders who are about to become 6th graders. I had them write down their dreams and aspirations for their lives. Thing is, when you look at what they wrote down (learning a new language, helping people, learning how to take care of animals, becoming a better student, athlete, etc) I was showing them that they don't have to wait until they are "older" to do any of these. God gave them life now and they can make a difference now, no matter their age. Same goes with us. We shouldn't wait for the "opportune moments." It will never come and you will have wasted all that time that you were given.

Then I was looking through my Pinterest and I was reminded about some things that I really loved.

I think this is so true in my marriage. I hope I show Jared that I love him every day.



This is me with my friends. :)


Stop trying to be someone else. God made you, you. No one else! You never know who wants to be you!


Yes!

Our God is amazing. I hope to do this someday! Like...Alaska!

Last day booster...read Romans 5. It's my favorite!

God gave you today so let's make it amazing!

Marathons and bombs do not go together!

So I woke up this morning to my dog greeting me. It's such a wonderful thing to wake up to a dog AND a husband! In the past this doesn't usually happen!

As I got ready for the day I realized that the Boston Marathon was on this morning! Jared and I had spent a good deal of time last night talking about Boston as we were thinking of taking one last quick trip before our lives went into overdrive busy. We were looking at the map, picking out things to see, where to stay, things to do...normal touristy planing stuff. Naturally the Boston Marathon came up in conversation as we are training for our first marathon.

It was awe inspiring this morning to watch these athletes run faster than I've ever sprinted for miles and miles and miles! Even though you were looking at the same camera angle for minutes at a time, just watching the people run and jockey for position, thinking through the tactical and psychological parts of the race were thrilling! I was rooting for the American girls and I am really excited for their 4th and 6th place finishes!

Jared and I then went on with our day. We worked out, took care of our dog who's got an upset stomach, etc and then find out that minutes before I looked at my iPad's news, there was a bomb at the same race we were watching just hours ago. I was on the verge of tears watching runners who were running such a great feat either not be able to finish or be injured before they got across the finish line. I thought about my own upcoming marathon. Would the same thing happen at mine? It's always a possibility. Would I go even if that was a possibility? Will people run the Boston Marathon or any other race next year?

And before I go on, I know nothing I say will probably make any difference. I don't expect people to listen to me. There isn't anything I can say that will ease the pain of those who lost loved ones. They are going to have a long road through greif along side those who were injured and have a long road through recovery. The mental and psychological trauma will take time and patience to get through and it will be hard.

Unfortunately, as a society, we are not a stranger to terrorism. Nothing I say will make a difference, change what happened, or help with what road lies before those people involved. But for me and those that are mentally sorting through the unnecessary violence that happens in our culture, this is my response. Terrorism is meant to make us fearful. Fear will make us do life different. That different life will not be the full life God has planned for us. We will constantly live negative, paranoid, looking for someone to blame as we life in our unforgiveness and fear.

As the victim of a violent crime, I've had to deal with those thoughts and process through them in my own way. But as I've become a runner, I've learned that runners are the types of people that push through pain. They hear their bodies say, "Stop!" and allow their minds to push the body further. They accomplish feats that inspire us! They defy limits and say, "I can do the impossible." That's why we love sports. That's why comebacks in competitive games are some of the best moments in sports history. What looks impossible becomes possible and gives us hope for the rest of our lives.

So the answer to my questions? Will people run the race next year? My immediate response was yes. Because we are not a people who quit at the point of pain but run through it. We don't disregard it, but we fight through it. We run in remembrance of pain but also in the remembrance of the victory over pain.

God has victory over death and He is the one who will give us the strength to run through the pain.

Everlasting God

One of my favorite songs is "Everlasting God" written by none other than my church back home, Fellowship. It is one of those songs I love to belt out in the car and no matter where I land on the mood spectrum, that song always makes it go up!

I was reminded on many of my runs recently that God is really everlasting. Recall if you will, your history classes. Remember Abraham Lincoln or James Bowie or [insert favorite historical character]. We could even go back further and talk about people in the Bible. Moses, David, Adam, Abraham, Rahab...you name it! I know surely I am speaking for myself (wink, wink), but I tend to almost raise these people to an elevated platform. I remember only the good things these people have done so I think of them as these heroes that  did amazing things.

Let's take George Washington for example.


This is what Wikipedia has to say:

1st President of the United States
In office April 30, 1789[nb] – March 4, 1797
Vice President	John Adams
Preceded by	Position established
Succeeded by	John Adams
Senior Officer of the Army
In office July 13, 1798 – December 14, 1799
Appointed by	John Adams
Preceded by	James Wilkinson
Succeeded by	Alexander Hamilton
Commander-in-Chief of the Continental Army
In office June 15, 1775 – December 23, 1783
Appointed by	Continental Congress
Preceded by	Position established
Succeeded by	Henry Knox (Senior Officer of the Army)
Delegate to the Second Continental Congress from Virginia
In office May 10, 1775 – June 15, 1775
Preceded by	Position established
Succeeded by	Thomas Jefferson
Delegate to the First Continental Congress from Virginia
In office September 5, 1774 – October 26, 1774
Preceded by	Position established
Succeeded by	Position abolished
Personal details
Born	February 22, 1732 Westmoreland, Virginia, British America
Died	December 14, 1799 (aged 67) Mount Vernon, Virginia, U.S.
Resting place	Washington Family Tomb Mount Vernon, Virginia
Political party	Independent
Spouse(s)	Martha Dandridge Custis
Religion	Deism[1] Episcopal[2]
Signature
Military service
Allegiance	Great Britain United States
Service/branch	Virginia provincial militia Continental Army United States Army
Years of service	Militia: 1752–1758 Continental Army: 1775–1783 U.S. Army: 1798–1799
Rank	Lieutenant general General of the Armies (posthumous: 1976)
Commands	Virginia Colony's regiment Continental Army United States Army
Battles/wars	French and Indian War  • Battle of Jumonville Glen  • Battle of Fort Necessity  • Braddock Expedition  • Battle of the Monongahela  • Forbes Expedition American Revolutionary War  • Boston campaign  • New York and New Jersey campaign  • Philadelphia campaign  • Yorktown campaign
Awards	Congressional Gold Medal Thanks of Congress

Talk about a resume! So with all this experience and prestige he had behind him (hello...first President of the United States) I thought that this would have given him the confidence to deal with anything in life. 

However, someone made a new billboard. I run by it now all the time. I have no idea who made it, but I like it. It has a picture of George Washington kneeling in the sand saying, "Lord, I trust in you. Guide my in your ways." The quote is from his journal that he kept the winter he was stationed at Valley Forge.

God was there for George Washington when he needed to ask God for guidance. George Washington had difficulties. He had pit days. He was faced with history altering situations that I am sure caused a great deal of stress. And who did he go to for help? Jesus Christ.

Jesus has been comforting and leading people all through history. He is timeless. He is EVERLASTING. People in history (including your favorite historical figure) have experienced many of the same feelings you are now and God helped them when they asked. 

I have been recently been listening to Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis (talk about MY favorite historical figure). He talks about how when it comes to moral standards, we typically hold everyone else to high standards but relax them when it comes to ourselves because we give ourselves excuses on why we don't apply to the moral standards.  We have an inside scoop on us. We're tired, hungry, busy, have more important things to do, whatever and so we don't have to extend the same courtesies that are expected from everyone else.

This thinking happens in our view of God too. We see God helping people and changing their lives, past or present. But because we know our inward sin and understand the full extent of our depravity we say that God cannot do the same in our lives as He does in others. This is a lie. 

The problem we have with everyone else is that we don't see the behind the scenes. When it comes to dealing with others, we don't see that someone is tired or dealing with stressful situations and so we get mad when they don't say hi or cut us off on the highway. When it comes to historical figures, we don't get the stories of internal struggles in our schools. We hear and get tested just on the results of those inward struggles. When it comes to God working in the lives of those around us, we don't fully understand their deepest darkest secrets and so we say, "God can't help me. I've gone too far in my sin. My life is too much of a mess."

My question is why CAN'T God do the same for you? When we find out that a stranger is dealing with cancer we treat them differently and give grace to them when they snap at us after a chemo treatment. When we find out that George Washington himself bowed a knee to God in his most difficult situations it changes our view of him from an elevated platform to a position that looks much more like our own. When someone opens up and shares about the full extent of their past, it allows us to understand they aren't much different then ourselves and there might be a chance that God can use and change us too.

The truth is, God can do anything. God is everlasting. The almighty. He was the beginning and He will be the end. God used the broken and "too far gone" people all throughout history. I found this pin on Pinterest and I wanted to share:

Talk about the unlikely being used by God! However, God wants to use you BECAUSE you have your problems. He wants to take them and transform them in a way only God can. God wants to show the world Himself through your deepest fears, insecurities and failures. Don't discount them. Give them to God. Then, watch what amazing stuff He does next!

Joy in the Unlikely Places

Hi friends. It's been a while since I've posted anything. I wanted to write after our Biggest Loser 10K and tell you all about it. But I waited a week to get the pictures. That week ended up being extremely busy. So hence I'm coming to you now, story in hand, two weeks later haha.

Jared and I just celebrated one year of wedded awesomeness. Honestly, we look at each other and go, "Wow. This is amazing. We are best friends, a great team and I never get sick of being with you!" So to celebrate God's blessings we went out to Austin and what do we do? We run a 10K! Only us crazy people!

But seriously, we got to the end of the trip and asked, "What was our favorite part?" Our answer was...the Biggest Loser run. It wasn't the most organized event we have ever attended, but it was just FUN. Pictures below:

He's such a stud!

Sprinting to the end!

I make myself smile because I remember how excited I was!

Us being...us.

Biggest Loser Scale!

When we got home we instantly got into craziness. Jared had an interview in Dallas, so we had the mad dash up there and we were so busy. Then the next week came up and it seemed as busy as the last one. I took a week off running to recoup from a running strain then started into a strength training regimen. So I didn't really run for two weeks.

Let me tell you, it was the grumpiest two weeks I think I've ever been. I thought it was just because I was stressed out. After all, everything seemed to be like paddling upstream. Besides work and volunteering, I don't know what is coming in the future for Jared's job and I was frustrated that I wasn't seeing him much.

But today, I realized my lack of running and decided I should probably go if I wanted to keep up my endurance. As I started to get ready, I started to get excited. I was HAPPY to go running, even in the rain! Duchess was especially excited to go running (if only I caught her tearing around the apartment on video)! We got out there and I was saying, "I missed this!" I only went two miles, but those were some of the best two miles EVER.

So what does this say? I think that I have actually found something that makes me unashamedly joyful. It is totally unglamorous wearing no makeup and getting sopping wet as you run in the rain. But honestly, I loved every bit of it. I was shocked to see how happy I was in those pictures from our race. But I have found that running can completely change my mood for the better and can actually help me process though things in a healthy God-given manner.

What makes laugh even more is how scared I was to train at the beginning. I was terrified of trying to run two minutes straight! I have been faithful and now have an activity that makes me feel truly alive.

There are always things in our lives that we get scared of doing. Opening up to people, being honest, having that hard conversation, or trying something new. God constantly asks us to do things out of our comfort zone so that we learn to rely on Him rather than our own strength. That freaks me out! But I am taking a page out of the Biggest Loser. Instead of looking at the issue from a standpoint of, "What if I can't do what God wants me to do?" we need to understand that we are right! We can't! But if God has asked us to do something, nothing is impossible to God! We can then ask ourselves, "What can God do through this because He can?"

The answer to that my friends is 1 Corinthians 2:9:

'But, as it is written, "What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him."'

Still running Across America. Didn't make much progress the last few weeks but here I am today:

Over 200 miles down!

Dicipline

This week has been a blessing and a challenge all at once. Jared and I have finally gotten some time to actually sit and enjoy talking together without too much chaos (when Duchess is around, there is always chaos). But just as that small moment passed, it was gone again with the whirlwind of work and things to do.

It's also been difficult to find the motivation to go running. I'm sorry, but 45 minutes is a long time! Sunday we were exhausted from the weekend. But we still went running...through the Christmas lights! We went through the neighborhood and saw all the pretty houses all decorated. Tuesday was the same. We went a little bit on a different route, which ended up going right through sprinkelers, but we had fun and ran the entire way.

Yesterday was difficult. I woke up not feeling well (and we all know how little it takes for me to not feel well) but I needed to get some work done and still be on time for my commitment for Redeemed. So my run got pushed back to after work...9:30 pm. UGGGGGG. It's too late to go running outside so that left me doomed to the treadmill.

I seriously considered not going. After all, I was tired, hungry and hurt from the day before. But I knew that if I didn't do this run, my run on Friday was going to be that much harder. Plus, I was stressed out about work, so a run was what I needed to get all that negative energy out.

So 45 minutes later on the treadmill I finally ended my run. Not going to lie, it was a different experience. I ran the ENTIRE WAY. I out ran people that started after me. There was a person who came, ran beside me for 10 minutes, got off, came back and ran again. When they left, I was still running. My biggest obsticle while running wasn't my body (for the first time)...it was my mind. I was SO BORED. But I found distraction between all 10 TV's in front of me and jammed out to my music until the very end. When I was done, I felt better than when I started. I felt like I had accomplished something. Plus, I realized that I had become "that person" from my days in high school. I would go to the YMCA, see people jogging for a long time on the treadmill and I could barely do two minutes. I would get so jealous of them. Now I had become what I had previously envied. All it took was some hard work and dicipline.

Many times in our spiritual walk with Christ, we tend to judge our walk to everyone elses. I used to envy people who were "more spiritual" on the outside than me. I still sometimes envy people who lead large ministries and have more resources than I have. But what we have to realize is that we all have access to the same Savior. He wants us to all expeirence His grace, His love and His amazing plan He has for us on Earth. But instead of working so hard to make whatever we want to happen on our own, we should be working hard to get to know Him on a personal level. We should acknowledge that He knows the inner depths of our beings, no matter how hard we try to hide our deepest secrets. We should try to get to know as much as we can the depth and breath of His love. Because even a little glimpse of that can change our lives.

Why do we memorize scripture, read our Bibles or go to church? They aren't a checklist to say "I'm spiritual." They are obedience tools, or a "training plan" that God gives us so that we can grow to be more like Him. That's what we are training for right? Our whole exsistance is to glorify His love to the world around us that so desparately needs it. Plus, we feel so much better after a mini talk with God, kind of like we feel after we have a good workout.

So the next time you are tempted to not go to church, read your Bible or spend time with Him, remember that it's not a "have to." Rather, it's a "get to." We get to "train" our brains to know Him better and live out His love in our lives. The more you obediently follow the training program He's given us, the more He is going to reveal Himself in your life.

Then fasten your seat belts kids. Once that happens, it's going to be a wild ride.