The Thrill of Adventure

So it's finally summer! I think we will break into the 90s every day now here in North Texas and the sun has finally come out! I am so excited about all that summer brings and the adventures Jared and I have planned.

Speaking of which, some of those adventures include our newest endeavor...backpacking! Jared and I have always been interested in camping. We go all the time. But now, we are finally thinking about putting those fancy backpacks to good use and hitting the trails in the literal middle-of-nowhere.

Physically, this means I will have some different workouts going on. I still plan on running twice a week with my long run being five miles. Then I have a goal of riding my bike at least once a week. The rest of the workouts will focus more on strength in my back and arms so that I don't have to rely on my legs for all the work while hiking with my backpack on.

The biggest thing for me I think is going to be mental. As much as I say I love adventure, I get so anxious before traveling! I get nervous sweats at the airport waiting for planes. I get so anxious trying to plan for the "unknown."

So when thinking about backpacking, there is a ton of fear going on inside my head. When are we going to go? What trails are we going to take? How are we going to fit everything in our bags? What if we can't find a good campsite? What if we get lost? What if we see a bear????

I have been doing some research on fear this week for work. It's very interesting the studies that neuroscientists are conducting these days. One study is actually finding that we are wired as human beings to be optimistic by nature...assume the best about someone or something until proof of the worst. They also talk about how fear bypasses the logical part of the brain and goes straight to the emotional. But logic is how you quiet fear. No one fears a stampede of hippopotami followed by their car getting eaten by a T-rex when they drive on the highway because logic eliminates that possibility. When we see someone that's upset because of fear, we automatically try to help them calm down by using logic. And if we are having a really hard time, we can implement what scientists call "productive paranoia" where we plan for the worst case scenario while hoping for the best.

And that's kind of where I am right now. With my upcoming adventures, I am doing boatloads of research trying to arm myself with the knowledge needed in worst case scenarios (how to deal with a bear), as well as the skills to keep me from getting into worst case scenarios (buy a bear canister and use it appropriately). What's awesome is while I still get nervous about it, I am growing as a person because I am gaining new skills and learning new things about myself and what I am capable of doing.

I think God wants us to use fear, not be controlled by it. He wants us to develop courage, not limit ourselves because of anxiety. He wants us to continue to grow and learn and explore the world he created. So that's why I continue to travel, see new things and meet new people. Ultimately, I know that the best truth I can use against fear is the knowledge that God is in control and he has the ultimate power in any situation.

I recently re-watched an episode of Dr. Who where they search for the alien that might be the reason we as children fear the monster under the bed. But I love what Clara tells the child doctor at the end about fear:

"I know you’re afraid, but being afraid is alright. Because didn’t anybody ever tell you? Fear is a superpower. Fear can make you faster and cleverer and stronger. And one day you’re gonna come back to this barn and on that day you’re going to be very afraid indeed. But that’s okay, because if you’re very wise and very strong fear doesn’t have to make you cruel or cowardly. Fear can make you kind. It doesn’t matter if there’s nothing under the bed or in the dark so long as you know it’s okay to be afraid of it. So listen. If you listen to anything else, listen to this. You’re always gonna be afraid even if you learn to hide it. Fear is like a companion, a constant companion, always there. But that’s okay because fear can bring us together. Fear can bring you home. I’m gonna leave you something just so you’ll always remember. Fear makes companions of us all."

Clara explaining courage to a young boy during the "Listen" episode using a small army figure.

Anticipation

How many more days until Disney??????

Happy Halloween! I hope you and your family have fun tonight Trick or Treating together!

I get a little cynical about Halloween because of two things.

1) We avoid death at all costs and then make light of it one month out of the year. I think Halloween is fun to a certain extent. I like dressing up in a costume and carving pumpkins and having parties. But when you have the whole Halloween store on your front yard and bloody handprints on the windows, I think that's a bit too far.

2) The minute the clock chimes midnight and it's November, everyone instantly goes into Christmas mode. Never mind Thanksgiving. We just want to go straight to the holiday where we ask for things to be given of us. This isn't going to be a post ranting about the importance of Thanksgiving (I'll do that post later) but rather, a pontification about why we anticipate Christmas so much. In fact, why do we anticipate things in the first place?

I am definitely in a state of anticipation right now as I count down the days until we get to go to Disney. I'm listening to Disney music, Disney podcasts, watching old Disney videos from past trips (mine as well as others on youtube), making costumes, and my suitcase has been open with all the things I need for the trip resting nicely inside. One minute I'm on a Disney cloud. Next minute, I'm sad because the trip seems so far away still. The push and the pull of emotions brought on by anticipation seems to be killing me, as the saying goes.

So what is it about Disney that gets me all excited and anxious about going? It's the fact that it's a vacation in a place I find joy and I get to share it with some favorite people of mine. It's a guarantee that no matter what we end up enjoying our time together and make memories for a lifetime.

I think this is what the draw is for Christmas too. Although Christmas brings some baggage with family dynamics and those who have experienced loss, it's a time where society seems to be at least trying to be better. We smile at each other. We give gifts. We sing songs about hope and joy. We think about how terrible Mr. Scrooge was and thank goodness those ghosts taught him a lesson! We have random flash mobs in the mall singing Christmas music and bringing magic to normal everyday life. We eat good food and spend time with those we love most.

Let's zoom out even further. What are other things we anticipate besides Disney trips and Christmas? I know for our family, we anticipate when Jared's job will allow him to gain seniority. We anticipate our small business growing. Some might anticipate a certain team winning the Super Bowl (*cough...Cowboys*). Others might anticipate that special someone coming into their lives. Some might be anticipating the new life coming into their family. I know some are anticipating loved ones coming back home.

Anticipation allows us to see what we desire. What is that thing that we are most eagerly awaiting to happen? Point to that, and that is what your heart is chasing after. It's not bad. But if you are not careful, it can lead to bad things. If you allow your emotions then to go like mine waiting for my Disney trip, then your going to be swinging back and forth between cloud nine and hopelessness, wondering if it will ever happen.

Now, the church answer to what we should actually be anticipating is "We should be eagerly awaiting when Jesus is coming back." And yes, while that sounds nice, many of us would go, "Well, sure. But people keep guessing the date wrong and in the meantime..."

So the question is, why is it so hard to get excited about Jesus coming back?

I don't have the answer to that.

I have theories. They range from the fact that I don't have a date for Jesus' return. I'm also pretty sure I will die before that happens. But, again, I don't know that for sure. I also think that part of me is like, "I talk to God every day. It's not like he's in another country and I'm waiting for him to come home." Life doesn't seem so bad that I want him to come and take me away from it. So what's the rush?

This the line of thinking that makes it hard to anticipate Jesus returning like I anticipate Disney. So I'm going to let this question marinate in my own brain. While I already have a passionate love for God and wanting to bring him glory, why is it hard for me to find the emotions to get excited about God coming back? I know it's possible. I've experienced it before. And when I do, how do I integrate my life with that passion for his return?

Universal Encouragement

One of the many "fun" administrative jobs of mine is to send out our newsletter for our ministry every month. I always begin by dreading it. By the end I get excited by all I get to share about what's going on with our team!

I wrote this as an encouragement to our volunteers, but thought some of you could use it and apply it in our daily lives. Community is being slowly replaced by technology and it is crucial to God working in our lives!

"October is such a fun month. We have cooler temperatures, pumpkins are coming out. Everyone
seems to be on board with October being super fantastic.

What is also super fantastic is the teams we are building within Redeemed in Dallas. We have some
incredible people stepping up and answering the call God has put on their hearts to serve the women
who are being exploited within our city.

With all the awesome activity, the thing that has been on my heart has been the word "sustainability."
These women are used to people coming in and out of their life, never sticking around long term for
them. The question most people ask of them is "what can I get out of you?" We are working to have
them ask the question, "What does God think about you?"

We all know the answer to that is God hold us in high value. We are his most prized creation. He
knows our thoughts. He knows our hurts. He knows our dreams. He loves us unconditionally, which is a concept that is hard for us to wrap our heads around. But once these women know God is for them and not against them, we know it can turn their whole situation around.

So the question I ask of myself and our teams is how are we going to sustain these efforts to reach
these women? When burn out comes, when we experience fear, when life seems too complicated to
continue, how are we going to continue reaching out to these women who are desperately looking for
God's love? The answer is two fold: 1) continuing our personal walk with Christ, asking for him to
stretch time and energy so that we can obey the call and 2) reaching out to those we work with for
support and help with the things Satan is throwing at us to try to stop us.

Redeemed is unique in that we are not just a non-profit that you check in and out of in order to get
service hours or experience. Rather, we are a community of believers from all over the metroplex
gathering together in Christ to reach out to those in the darkest of situations and offer them a light of
hope. On top of that, God isn't just using us to change the lives of the women we minister to, but he's
using our community and those we volunteer with to change us to become more like Christ as well.

So I encourage you to not just check in and out and add this work to the list of things you do to be a
"good Christian." Rather I encourage you to really plug in and build community with the people doing this work alongside you. I know the people that have stepped up and volunteered for a while have already changed my life. I pray that God does the same in your life."

Fireworks

I honestly sit here inspired tonight. It's been the culmination of a million pondering moments and a million questions all converging at once.

I had the honor tonight to attend a concert in the Botanical Gardens with one of my dearest friends Ashley and her family. Honestly, when I found out I was going to get to hang out with them tonight I was so excited. I love their family and how funny, genuine and hospitable they are. It takes a special kind of people to invite me over to a dinner and cater to my gluten free needs and they did so with flying colors. Literally. Mr. Mark's shirt looked exactly like the American flag when you held up our patriotic napkins to his shirt!

But I guess I should start explaining things a little bit, first starting a few months ago when I attended a training for work. We talked about trauma and how it affects the brain. We like to talk in symbolism to get our points across, naturally. We discussed how trauma affects the brain and how the brain achieved healing. The metaphor that the speaker used was that trauma was not a linear model where we travel in a straight line and get to point B from point A. Rather, it's a spiral model where we start at the bottom. Some times we move forward and other times we move back. But regardless where we are in the spiral, we are always moving up.

This is an important thing to keep in mind when we consider all that has been happening recently.

Personally, I've been under a ton of stress. Between my work with the women I mentor and my personal life, there is a ton going on. I can't elaborate. But let's say the new essential oils I received are definitely helping along side some very long prayer times for my anxiety.

Meanwhile, I couldn't even look at Facebook for a while. I feel like a recent post I saw from Glen Beck summed it up exactly:

Personally, I believe my first citizenship is to God. I am a daughter of the King. He says homosexuality was not a part of his design. So therefore, I believe that if you are living a homosexual lifestyle, you are not living in the will of God. However, God gave us the freedom to make our own choices. That's what makes His love so spectacular; He doesn't force us to love him. So in accordance to my second citizenship to the United States of America, you have the ability to do whatever you chose to do, as long as it doesn't cause me to deviate from my freedom to follow my beliefs in God.

What I do have a problem with is how this, among other decisions, was passed down through our court system. We have a constitution which is the most unique piece of governmental procedure in the world. No one came up with something like this before America. I feel like if we are to really protect freedom to live the way we want to (whether you choose to follow God or not) that monumental document needs to be followed so that everyone has the freedom to live the life they chose.

So meanwhile, I see the hate and the divisiveness that is coming across in social media and I feel like I've been stabbed in the heart. I wonder how such a court decision could have happened. Then on top of that, how can we have become a society where if you have a differing opinion than I do, it makes you an enemy that I can never talk to again?

So this Fourth of July, I am very reflective and prayerful as I consider what we are actually celebrating this year. While I'm very disappointed in what has happened in our country recently, I still can't help think about the spiral model of healing. Sometimes we will go forward. Sometimes we will go backward. Yet we will always be going up.

As I watched the fireworks tonight above my hometown, I couldn't help but judge which fireworks I thought were the prettiest. I'm pretty consistent. Ever since I was little I've loved the ones that sparkle and have lots of twinkling lights that linger even after the initial explosion. As I watched (and maybe had to wipe the ash from my face) I thought, "What is it about those fireworks that makes the sparkle ones so exceptional?" In my reflective mood, I thought about how there are thousands of tiny pieces of the fireworks that catch the energy from the initial explosion and then ignite to create the light and the sparkle. Consequentially, that causes those fireworks to last so much longer than the other ones.

I can't help but draw a parallel from those fireworks to our society. Right now we have a ton of fireworks that draw our attention. From Obamacare to church shootings to confederate flags to homosexuality...there are so many things looking to draw our attention and create a divide amongst our country right now. But the fireworks that last and actually make a difference in our lives are the ones that see the goodness and the kindness in our society. While they may not make the front page or the top of the news, they are the stories that actually pierce our hearts and cause us to aspire to be better versions of ourselves.

So amongst all those that have expressed despair for the future of our country, I actually have hope in our America. I believe that God is bringing up a generation of people my age that have caught the initial spark of the gospel and are propelled to make a change where God has planted them. That obedience, grace and love causes them to spark and make a difference in the lives of those around them, who therefore also catch the spark. God is creating a huge firework, the kind that lingers long after the others, and spreads the good news of love and redemption.

We may be in a backwards trend of the spiral right now. Trust me, I know it's NOT pretty. But I have hope. I refuse to give in to the idea that we are beyond repair. America was built on hope and it will only fail when hope in something better is lost by the people that live here. It's a hard road to travel. These days the road seems pretty tough. But if we do not give up, we will be that shining light on a hill the Bible talks about.

We will be a huge firework signaling freedom to everyone in the world looking for it.

So my question is, what spark is God calling you to be?

Let's start an actual important conversation...

When I worked with Fellowship Church, you always had that awkward moment where when someone asks what you do and I say, "I'm a Children's Pastor." They kinda look at you weird and go "Oh!" or "Cool!" and that's the end of the conversation because now you have broken an important rule of building relationships: Don't bring up religion. I never thought it could get worse.

I was wrong.

I was in a long line at Starbucks waiting to order and a neighboring customer said hi and struck up a conversation. Naturally we get to careers and saying I was the director of a faith based non-profit that fights human trafficking was like the sum epitome of relational rule breaking. I now have now brought up religion, politics and sex. Don't you love talking to me already? I think the only thing that could be a worse conversation starter was Starbuck's #RaceTogether campaign. Those poor baristas...

But if you want to start a conversation with me you are going to hear how much I love God. You will hear how much I believe he has called me to this work. And you are going to hear about how much God is changing me just as much as he is changing the women we build relationships with.

Just last weekend we had a training with a fantastic women named Bonnie Martin. She has counseled thousands of clients and specifically works with human trafficking victims and those suffering from complex trauma. She introduced us to neuroscience that showed us images of the brain post-trauma and how it structurally redesigns the brain. It was incredible to learn how this restructuring leads to certain behavioral changes and why these women we work with think the way they do. Of course, without fail, God taught me a little bit more about myself as I struggle with my PTSD. I was able to understand how my brain works even more and what I can do to balance my life with the symptoms that occasionally interject themselves into my life.

But the most important piece to the puzzle was when she discussed shame. It will be very hard for me to sum up what I heard over two days from such an eloquent woman, but I will do my best because I feel it is so important.

Shame bring three things: secrecy, isolation and insecurity. Think about when you steal a cookie at age 5. You do it in secrecy. You isolate yourself to eat it. Then you are insecure the whole day on whether your mom or dad is going to find out. Right? Well, what Ms. Martin's point to her speech was that we don't just have a sin problem, but we also have a shame problem. In Genesis, it says that Adam and Eve, freshly created, were naked in the garden and not ashamed. But once they disobeyed God, they felt immense shame and hid from God. Sin is what keeps us from God. Shame is what keeps us from living past it. She then gave us three examples of people with shame from the Bible.

Moses was a traumatized baby. He survived white-water rafting down the Nile river and was adopted into an Egyptian family where he had identity issues and developed and anger management problem. He then killed a man in his anger, hid the body (secrecy) then ran away from home (isolation). He was so ashamed of what he did he could barely overcome his insecurity when God started talking to him from the burning bush. Thankfully, he learned to overcome his shame and lead the people out of Egypt.

Saul's story wasn't so happy. He had inherited shame socially as the youngest brother of the lowest family of the lowest tribe. When Samuel anointed him and held a banquet for him he didn't tell his family (secrecy) and hid on the day it was supposed to be announced that he was the first king of Israel (isolation). He was always insecure about his leadership role as shown by him not waiting for Samuel to come sacrifice before going into battle and by how he perceived David as a threat to his throne. He never overcame his shame.

Rahab had imposed shame. Historically, I learned that she was probably a prostitute as much as a girl being trafficked today was (aka forced to do it). Her story might be similar to many of the girls that come into our program where she was probably first trafficked at age 12 or 13. However, it was a way to survive in a culture hostile to women. She probably had so much shame from how society viewed her and she had to deal with that her whole life. However, as a survivor, she had heard of the God of the Israelites that wiped their enemies out. When she came across the Israeli spies, she saw an opportunity to save herself and her family. Yet, when the Israeli spies told her to put the scarlet cord in the window, she had a tough decision. Scarlet was the color associated with sexually immorality (Scarlet Letter anyone?) and so so save herself, she had to broadcast her occupation to the community. Thankfully she didn't let her shame from her occupation stop her and she became part of the lineage of Jesus.

See how it wasn't just the sins of the individual people that caused them to hesitate when God called them? It was the shame of their sins that they had to overcome. Those in the Bible that were able to understand that God knew every secret about them and yet still loved them allowed them to overcome their shame and move on to do the great God had called them to do.

I'm sure as I'm writing this some of the shame that you still keep secret in your heart might be coming to mind. When I was thinking about it, I had some things that I was ashamed of come to mind instantly. And yet, as we celebrate Easter, it is so good to know that our Savior knew we were going to face shame. With this knowledge he underwent severe beatings and mocking, taking the shame that he didn't deserve with him as he was paraded down the street to his death. With his resurrection, we see that he overcame the sin that keeps us from God, but he also overcame the shame that allows us to experience true liberty from our shame in His glory.

Do you really want to start a conversation? Let's talk about how the sin and the shame that we deal with as a human beings causes many of the problems that we see today, including human trafficking. People in pain inflict pain on others. Let's talk openly about how the answer to the sin and shame problem is getting squashed in our schools and our politics. Let's talk about how it's taboo to bring God up in conversation. Let's talk about the messes in life that the directives of God can help us heal and avoid in the future. Let's talk about how we can still be reflections of Christ without having to be perfect ourselves.

My hope is that if we can start having this real, actually important conversation, we can see real hope and change occur in our society. Isn't that a beautiful thing to imagine?

Happy Easter everyone. Remember that God loves you and you don't have to live in shame any more.

Creating is Messy

So the last few posts have been about some crafty things I have been making. After I finished the bulk of the work, that fun part starts...the clean up! While I'm cleaning, I realize just how big of a mess crafting is, and why my OCD husband insisted on a craft room for me in our new house (aka...to contain my mess!). 

This got me thinking. God is the ultimate creator. We all know the story from Genesis where he makes Earth and everything in it. But what my ADD brain thought of next was actually about how he made it. I thought about grade school science where I had to give a presentation about ecosystems. God didn't just create things on Earth, but he created them with cycles and balances. The death of one thing in an ecosystem actually gets reinvested in the environment to create something new. While it can be complicated to explain in a large ecosystem like a forest, I can see this simply in my backyard. Fall brings colder temperatures which tell the trees to start going dormat for the winter. This is why we get beautiful colors of leaves in the fall. These leaves eventually fall off into my yard. Then I can take these now dead leaves and compost them until spring when I can use them now as soil to plant new seedlings. We have taken something dead and used it to make something new. It's messy, and it's hard work...but it cretes something beautiful...like my garden. 

This sparked an idea for me that I understood to a certain extent, but highlighted and expanded the importance of it in my head. If God made this reinvesting cycle into the very fabric of the Earth, this would probably be a good foundation to use in ministry too. We should design our ministry structures to not just extract what we can from what we have between people and money, but reinvest it into the very fabric of the ministry, especially in the people that come and serve. We should be thinking about how the work they do is not only investing in the people they serve, but in themselves as well. The work they do can reinvested into community and relationship building, flexing their spiritual muscles to step out of their comfort zones, or teaching them a skill they didn't know. We can find lots of different ways to invest in the people that come to work and volunteer in ministry that helps them outside the walls of the church as well. 

It will probably be messy, and it might make me pull my hair out sometimes figuring it all out. But if we do it and God works in it, we as a church can create something beautiful. 

Talk to y'all soon!

Maddie

Goodbye 2014

Hello all my fellow readers!

So today is the day in the blogging world where we go back and reminisce on all that has happened in the last year. I will not be a trail blazer on this one. In fact, I talk about what has happened this year just like everyone else.

Last time I wrote, I was in what I like to call "survival mode." In a time where I was learning new things and adjusting to my new position at our church, I basically had no time and no will to blog. I kinda wanted to...but had no energy and frankly, nothing to say. Last time I talked about watering with salt water and how it may not make sense to us, but ultimately, God is the one who brings the harvest. Usually, he brings it around in a way that makes no sense to us as well.

Well, currently, I haven't seen a ton of harvesting yet. In a time where I talked about focusing on the most important things was getting hard, I lost focus a ton, at least in my opinion. I've allowed to-do lists and deadlines to come before people in many cases and it's not ok. I had a great quiet time a few days ago when I got some rest and realized that I have become quick to judge and quick to frustrate instead of extending grace where I could.  I have always known intellectually that grace and forgiveness costs more to the person giving it instead of the one receiving it. But only now am I truly experiencing it in my heart for the first time. Every time I extend grace I have to let go of the side of me that wants justice. Which, if you know me, justice is the thing I strive for A TON. I have a black and white view of the world and grace messes with that.

But, thankfully, my heart is learning just as much as my brain is. Yesterday, I had a meeting with two very special friends and right when I try to leave work to go meet them, two different men came up to the church asking for help. One was lost and needed directions. The other was looking for money to buy cough syrup for his family who had the flu. Working in downtown Dallas, you get use to the con-artists that come asking for money. But in light of the conversations I've had with God, I knew that this was Him asking me if I was going to blow these men off and not help because I had a meeting to go to, or if I would going to take the time to help and be late to my meeting. Judgemental side of me would have said, "If you weren't prepared, you deserve the consequences and your emergency shouldn't make me late to what I have to do. I'm...after all...a church worker and I have important things to attend to!" But, thankfully, I stopped and realized the situation and took the time to help.

Now I don't say all this as a virtual pat on the back to say "Great job me!" I tell these stories because, in review of 2014, I've had a great year. I ran my first marathon...the culmination of me overcoming a ton of mental and physical struggles I had in 2013. After my marathon, I learned how to deal with my depression that comes as a result of my PTSD. I got the opportunity to work part time at one of the greatest churches in one of the greatest departments. I ran coast to coast with my family in what have become some of my fondest memories. Jared and I were blessed with a house. It's been a phenomenal year. But yet, here at the end, I find myself yearning for more.

I got to have a great conversation with my mother-in-law who is also in ministry and she said something great about New Years Resolutions. Instead of making them about varying bars of success, make them about love. I've been all about varying bars of success recently (aka...how many things on my to do list can I knock off!), but this year I think God is calling me to make it even more about showing love to others. So looking forward, I am hoping to have more encounters like yesterday, with people who need help, and less about my crazy long to do lists. People are what God cares about the most. So I'm going to try to align my heart with his even more.

Happy 2015 everyone. I hope God blesses you and your family beyond your wildest imagination!

Giving Plants Salt

Last month I talked about keeping focus on the important vision of your dream instead of everything that is impeding it. This month, I've been having to focus hard! While some great blessings have happened at church, the biggest thing that has been my obstacle is fear.

I actually thought I had gotten past this. My first few months of marriage I dedicated myself to trying things that I was fearful of to show myself there is nothing to be afraid of...ironically including gardening. However, I am discovering that I am a person driven by fear when push comes to shove and it takes a ton of mental focus for me to overcome my instinctual paralysis. The fears vary. I don't like disappointing people. I don't like disappointing myself. I don't like failing at something I have tried. I don't like not being able to help people. But if you look at the majority of my fears, they are self centered. It's me feeling bad that I'm trying to avoid. That fear can keep me from reaching out to others who are desperately wanting to know what hope there is in world.

What I am specifically struggling with now is I feel like I am getting advice and listening to people much wiser than me tell me how to most effectively run my ministries. I want and yearn for their guidance. Yet as I desperately try to follow these guidelines I get frustrated when they don't seem to be working. I get so passionate about my ministries, that I want to see instant results!

Yet God doesn't work that way. In fact, God doesn't work in any predictable manner whatsoever.

I LOVE listening to podcasts. I remember growing up I would listen to Adventure in Odyssey all day long for years on end whenever I was in my room, changing out the tapes every thirty minutes. I'd clean my room. Work on crafts. Do homework. There was just something I loved about listening to something while I worked, especially something encouraging or informational. I've recently stumbled across a podcast on survival. It's not your typical survival podcast, like, how to survive in the middle of nowhere while camping or hiking. It's also got things on how to make your home self-sufficient. While I might try a few of the things in the future, one topic of podcast actually caught my attention as it talked about aquaphonics. It's where your fish tank system helps grow your plants. The nitrogen produced by the fish gets dissolved in the water. You then take that water and water your garden with it, providing much needed nutrients to your plants. The plants then filter the water through the ground and root system, making the water purified for your fish. I had actually studied a bit of it in school and it's an ingenious system, especially if you are farming fish. However, one important note: you can't use saltwater fish because the salt will kill your plants.

Couple that with the passage I read this morning:

The men of the city said to Elisha, “Look, the city has a good location, as our master can see. But the water is bad and the land doesn’t produce crops.” Elisha said, “Get me a new jar and put some salt in it.” So they got it. He went out to the spring and threw the salt in. Then he said, “This is what the Lord says, ‘I have purified  this water. It will no longer cause death or fail to produce crops.” The water has been pure to this very day, just as Elisha prophesied. ~ 2 Kings 2 19-22

Can you imagine if you were a farmer and you saw Elisha put salt in the water and proclaim it purified how perplexed you would be? No flashy magic-y sparkles flew out of it. No parting of the heavens with a hallelujah chorus. No indication that it wasn't just salt water. And he put it in the spring so the whole thing was contaminated! If I were a farmer, I'd be angry that he just put salt in the water that I'm supposed to try to grow my crops with!

There's no textual part that explains what happened after Elisha put salt in the water. But I can imagine he left and the farmers surrounded the spring and said to each other, "Well, it was bad water in the first place. It was worth a shot." Some might have said, "What the heck are we supposed to do with salt water?" But can you imagine that first farmer that decided to use the water on faith? Watering their fields wondering if the water would work or not, knowing they wouldn't eat if it didn't?

Sometimes in ministry it seems like we are watering our fields with salt water, wondering what the heck we are doing and thinking it will never work. But imagine the farmer's surprise when the crops started growing and growing abundantly because it was water purified by God. In ministry, we are told the harvest is plenty, but the workers are few. I wonder if this is because many don't believe that God can take whatever is salt water in our lives and use it make plants grow. Those salt water moments cause us to fear and paralyze us to tell others the Good News about Christ.

I know I have plenty of salt water moments in my life where I wonder how in the world God is going to use me for ministry. But if I let my fear hold me back, I will never get to see God work in the lives of those around me. I have no control in what happens in my ministry except my obedience to the authority of God and those he has placed over me. So, until I see my crops grow, that's what I'm going with. I'll get back to you when I start seeing buds!

We Get Permission to Fail!

I had the most interesting experience yesterday. We had a run scheduled (Tempo Intervals: 2000m with a 400m recovery three times in case anyone was really wondering). I laced up my kicks and grabbed my dog and my husband and I hit the pavement. But as we made it to the park, we found it incredibly crowded! Families of all sizes were out with their shiny new bikes and scooters. Puppies were being walked. Kids were playing in the trails. Soccer games were being played. It was beautiful. I didn't mind that I had to run on the grass often. I was just glad to see everyone out enjoying a beautiful day instead of watching TV on their couches.

We even saw one of my best friends Ashely! You may have heard how awesome she is in an earlier blog post. She was out running too and I was so glad to give her a big sweaty hug! We briefly talked (we're on our runs right?) and as we left, she announced, "Professional runners! Coming through!"

We laughed and I assured her, she's a professional too. But I started looking around and realizing many people out here are starting their "New Years Fitness Plan." They are going to ride their bike, run or walk x amount of days in a week and lose x amount of pounds. My beat up kicks were looking pretty worn out compared to some of the white new sneakers some people were wearing. What started whirring in my head is the question.

"If this is what people's new year resolutions are, how long will it last?"

I have felt different come this new years. I am not starting a new fitness plan, but cumulating a year and a half of training for a marathon. I'm on my third pair of sneakers and the new ones are already not new. And I didn't start this goal at the new year of 2012. I started it in August. Which makes no sense if you know about the heat in Texas in August.

But I stuck with it. So what was it that kept me working a year and a half later to get me to this point? As I mulled it over, I felt like it might help someone out there.

1. I felt that this journey was a calling from Jesus. You may think I'm crazy for saying that. But if you have read my past blog posts, you will realize that I've held this belief from the beginning. I believe that after thinking so negatively for so long, God challenged me to try. He gave me all the equipment I need...I just needed to trust him and go do it.

For once in my life I had goals. It gave me purpose and direction. That purpose and direction in my physical life overflowed into every other aspect of my life. It's a strange, supernatural phenomena. But because I listened to God in my fitness, I was able to hear him more clearly in the rest of my life. What I found is that Jesus gave us a purpose to live, no matter what area of life we are talking about. Jesus said trust Him and and love people. As I ran and wondered what I was doing, I decided to trust God and pray for people that I passed. I found that to be key to keeping me running and key to me making progress in every other goal I've made in day to day life.

2. It's ok not to be perfect. In the past I've made new years resolutions and when I fail on doing it perfectly, I give up all together. When people create art, do you think they do it perfectly from beginning to end? Of course not. That's why we have erasers for pencils and the ability to paint over things! But if an artist gave up the moment they made a mistake on their art pieces, they would never finish some of the beautiful artwork that inspires us today. In fact, some of the mistakes become inspirations to take the art to a totally higher level than they were expecting.

When I train, I don't do all my workouts! I miss some because life happens. I have found it key to forgive myself for missing a workout and getting right back on the workout wagon whenever I can to making sure I stick with my training plan and complete my goals.

What's even better, is that the Bible tells us that we have hope that God will forgive our sins. If you truly trust in Jesus, we can have full confidence that when we fail fighting sin and bad patterns in our lives (that we try to correct with new years resolutions), it will be forgiven and we can start again! The freedom to fail gives us the hope to fight against the sinful parts of our lives!

3. Christ will help us in our fight...if we ask him. I remember some of the early runs and I'm dying at the end. My legs are spent and I can't breathe. I used to repeat over and over in my head "I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me."And you know, I made it through the run. Ironically, I do the same thing whether it's a three mile run or a twenty mile run. I hold the same conviction that Jesus is the source of my hope and my faith and He supernaturally helps in one way or another.

When we come across times where we can't seem to break cycles or the running gets tough or a relationship seems eternally broken, we can ask for help. If we trust God and love people and truly believe that as sons and daughters of Christ that our sins are forgiven, the supernatural will occur in our lives and we will see Christ come through in the fight.

So as you make your resolutions (and I think you should) I hope that you think about the fact that you are launching into something that hopefully, you can sustain longer than just a year. Hopefully, you can trust God to guide you and to build upon your faithfulness.

And remember, 2 Timothy says that even if we are unfaithful, God remains faithful because he cannot deny himself!

Happy New Year everyone.

Back from the Silent...something...trying to sound cool...

Hello everyone! It's been a while since I've posted. I've been busy getting things for work done, attending different events for Redeemed, decorating for Christmas, spending time with family, etc. Then #iceapocalypse hit Dallas Thursday and it has forced me to slooooowwwww dooooowwwwwnn. Hence, now I have plenty of time to blog!

My favorite picture from our adventure out yesterday.

Jared and I are getting a little stir crazy in our 720 sq ft apartment (and that includes our deck and laundry room/outdoor storage area). We have made Christmas presents, cooked. I attempted to paint my nails and they didn't turn out as bad as usual. We have done laundry, cleaned, discovered Undercover Boss on Netflix and probably spent more time on Facebook and Pinterest than ever before! Problem is, we are running out of things to do!

Jared and I took a walk yesterday and slid around for a bit. Jared attempted to go to work this morning but there were tons of people stranded at the little gas station next to our apartment and police officers were advising everyone to stay home. I have to say, it's not the fact that I have spent three days at home that's really bugging me. It's the fact that I have no other option but to stay home. I don't like it when I can't go out and do things I want on my unexpected time off and that's what is really wearing down on me.

I think about what I would be doing right now if I hadn't been iced in. First, I would have worked a ton more. We would have done a big outreach at the Children's parade, a fun party for foster kids, I would have friends over right now and we would be eating a big pasta dinner in preparation for our marathon relay tomorrow. It may seem overdramatic, but it's almost like I'm grieving over it. These fun things to do with people I love no longer are happening and I'm pretty sad.

I've prayed a ton over the last few days. I've asked God what the deal is and where he is going with this. After all, with the marathon relay, I felt that was something he asked me to do. I am sad we didn't get to invite the people at the Children's parade to church. I'm sad for the kids that were supposed to come to our church this weekend.

But Jared and I in all of our Netflix-ing watched the Polar Express last night. My favorite part of this movie is when the kid had seen the effects of Santa Claus. With the Polar Express and elves (which honestly are a little creepy in that movie) and a giant mound of presents and the reindeer, he still had to choose to believe even if he couldn't see Santa. He had to act on faith. The conductor even said, "Seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can't see."

God obviously doesn't come down in visual form of his glory and power. We would all wig out! But we see the effect of God. We see the changed lives, the peace, the miracles. We feel the effects of God in our emotions and our lives when we do life the way he designed it. It never seems to make sense, like reindeer flying with a sled full of presents for the entire world, but somehow it always works out.

So I'll continue to keep myself busy until we finally see the ice melt. I'm so not looking forward to my workout on the dreadmill tomorrow. Jared's vacuuming right now, and he HARDLY EVER VACUUMS. And even after the ice melts and we go on with our lives, I will continually act on faith, even when the doubt creeps in. God doesn't necessarily make sense, but I believe he knows what he's doing!

When Doubt Creeps In

It's been a rough couple of weeks.

Nothing drastically bad has happened. I just have had small things happen over the last few weeks. But we all know that these small things can build up and become big monsters in no time.

First small things that have happened have been with Redeemed. In this case it's things not happening. Churches backing out on us coming to talk to them, people flaking out on things they committed to, etc. I was really excited about some of these things happening and the fact that they didn't' work out really bummed me out.

Second thing that has been happening is kinda good. Jared and I started going through Financial Peace together. We are not in financial crisis by any standard. However, we have learned a whole bunch. Yet, when we talk about things that need to get paid for or things that we want to do and we can't afford them, it's another small let down. Can I survive without participating in the Turkey Trot this year? Sure I can. Can we survive without eating out? Absolutely. And we probably will be better off without it. But when it seems all my husband worries about when we go out is the bottom line of "how much is this going to cost us," it really makes time together a bummer. We've since discussed this and make an agreement on how to change it (which is why I'm ok with telling whoever reads this about this conflict in my marriage). What's bumming me out though is that Jared and I have had several talks recently. Really deep ones. We've talked out so many things recently and I think we have reached a new level of understanding each other. I just sometimes feel like I am a bad wife.

This leads into the third thing that happened. Jared turned 25! I was so pumped for him. He was getting new shirts, boots for work, tons of birthday cards and tons of money (yay!) that I hoped made him feel special. However, I wasn't able to really do anything this year. This is a big deal for me because I usually am scheming a month out on surprises and fun things to do. But this year, I didn't want to spend that much money and I didn't have the time to devote to it like I have in the past. Add in Jared had to work on his birthday and all I could really do was tell him happy birthday and smile, and hopefully go to a restaurant he liked (which didn't happen either). To see the disappointment on his face made me feel like the worst person ever.

As a personality that bases most of my value on results, I feel pretty let down. I have many doubts right now that have been playing in the back of my head. I'm a terrible wife. I am not qualified enough to lead an anti-human trafficking organization. I'm not a good friend to those I love. I'm terrible with money. All my insecurities have come creeping up and causing me to doubt everything.

So the question is, what do I do with the doubt? What do I do with the insecurity and the heartache and the anxiety? As passionate as a person I am, my highs are really high yet my lows can be all-consuming.

So today, I broke out my first love, music. I pulled out the guitar my parents lovingly bought me for Christmas a few years ago and I found myself having my own mini-worship time. It's been forever since I played and I was surprised at how much my fingers remembered where to go and how steady I was able to keep my strumming. I love my guitar and the tone matches my voice amazingly. After revisiting some of my old favorites I used to play when I led worship, I decided to teach myself a new song. The first song that came to mind was "Oceans" by Hillsong.

The first time I heard this song, I was at church alone. Jared was out at work and we had just had a disagreement. It's crazy how you can be in a crowd of people and feel so isolated. I felt so alone. When they played this song I cried my eyes out. The words in the bridge just pierced my heart.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

I have asked God to use me and call me to places that people have never been to yet. I've asked for him to teach me how to love him more and rely on him for everything. As I was teaching myself how to play this song today I realized I'm in that place right now. I'm stretching and growing. God is the only one who is going to take my ministry, my marriage and my relationships and make them into the beauty God designed them to be.

As a results oriented person, I realized that what I have to do is just rest in God. Do my part and then rest it in his hands. And when doubt creeps in, all I can do is sing this chorus to him.

"I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine"

I find that so comforting to know that if everything goes south, if everything crumbles, if everything just falls apart, God still loves me, still has a plan for me. I'm not just a pawn that is thrown out when I'm used, I'm cherished and I am loved. God loves me just the same has he loves everyone. He loves me the same way he loves everyone all the way back to Adam and Eve.

So I don't know what else to say but I hope that in my vulnerability, in my openness and at my low points, God can speak to you and let you know that the same goes for you. When doubt creeps in and you have those questions, know that you are loved no matter the outcome.



Hillsong United - Oceans (Live) from Hillsong Church on Vimeo.

You are a Treasure

Hello everyone! I hope you all are having as beautiful fall weather as we have been.

We just recently got the opportunity to go camping. It was amazing! We went to Lake Mineral Wells and it reminded me of my childhood a bit, camping with my dad and other Indian Princesses with the YMCA. While it was a bit on the chilly side, we enjoyed our time hiking and spending time together. Some of the views of the lake we had were breathtaking and the sunsets were some of the prettiest colors. I love waking up in the middle of the night and seeing stars shining through the ceiling of the tent. Not to mention the amazing food you get to eat on camping trips (hello s'mores!).

While we were out there, we took the time to assess what's going on in our lives. We ask each other what we are learning, what we like and dislike, how can we make things better. The whole time we were out there, I was constantly asking God what was he trying to teach me? What was new that I needed to hear?

Thing is, there wasn't anything new. But what kept coming to my head was the amazing love that God has for us. I've recently wondered about the people that robbed our house. If I had a son, would I be willing to let him die to save the murderers that came into our house and stole our security? Honestly, I wouldn't be able to. Momma bear would come out and protect my son at all costs. But that's what God sees when he looks at us. He sees a bunch of murderers, adulterers, liars, thieves and worriers. But he was willing to give up what was most precious to him in order to save us.

I recently discovered that I had been taught a parable wrong. For the longest time, I heard the parables of what the kingdom of heaven is like:

Matthew 13:44-46

“The kingdom of heaven is like a treasure, hidden in a field, that a person found and hid. Then because of joy he went and sold all that he had and bought that field.

Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant searching for fine pearls. When he found a pearl of great value, he went out and sold everything he had and bought it." 

For the longest time, I read these out of context and didn't associate it with the surrounding text. I had been taught that this is how we should treat God. God is like a treasure or a pearl hidden in a field. Once we find him, we should give up everything for him. 

This is of course, really hard for humans to do. We love our TV, our food, our friendships, our jobs, our houses and to give up everything for Him is something not easily attained. Even if it is attained, I feel like a little bit of resentment sets in, especially when hard times hit. 

But the beauty of this passage is that it doesn't talk about our relationship towards God. This passage talks about God's relationship to us.

Add in the last parable:

Matthew 13:47-50

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a net that was cast into the sea that caught all kinds of fish. When it was full, they pulled it ashore, sat down, and put the good fish into containers and threw the bad away. It will be this way at the end of the age. Angels will come and separate the evil from the righteous and throw them into the fiery furnace, ⁶²  where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth."

When we add this parable in, we see that God is the one doing the acting. God is the one finding the treasures and the pearls and selling everything for them. God is the one that is catching the fish and bringing ones who have accepted his gift of eternal life into heaven. These passages tell us that God finds us as valuable as treasure. As beautiful as pearls. He gave everything up for us. He didn't do it because he had to. He did it because he loves us. Add in, God isn't the one hidden! God is right there, pursuing us. Wanting a relationship with us!

How wonderful is it to realize that God isn't demanding everything of us in order to follow him? He wants to meet us where we are and treats us like gold, no matter where in life we are. From personal experience, I have found the more I walk with him the more I grow to love him and allow him to change every bit of me. I talked about dreams in my previous blog. God took my small dreams and exchanged them for big, abundant dreams. I know that he will never give me a dream that he won't work out in due time. 

You may not feel like gold. You may feel dirty because you know God wouldn't approve of things in your life. But he doesn't hold those against you like some tally sheet. He values you way more than he values your shortcomings. When God chooses people in the Bible, he doesn't choose good people who happen to mess up later. He chooses messed up people in the first place and they happen to keep continuing to mess up, just because they are human! But God uses them and we still talk about the amazing things they did today!

My encouragement to you today is to hold on to the fact that God loves you. He values you more than you believe. He knew you couldn't overcome the debt that you have for your sins and so he sent the only person that could pay your debt. It's the unwavering theme of laying one's life down for love that we find in life and it's nothing new. But it is still as profound today as the first time we hear it!

Authentic Contentment

Hello everyone! It's been an amazing week and weekend so far!

Last weekend I got to run another race with my parents..the Rhar and Sons Oktoberfest 5K! While I couldn't drink the beer due to my food allergy, I still had tons of fun with my parents and set a PR for my 5K!

Mom and I before the race!

Right before the start!

Post Race Festivities!

I finally (officially!) PR'ed my 5K at 29:54.6!

Now, one thing I want to make sure gets across, is that it's easy to look at someone who's achieved a ton of their goals (especially all at once) and say, "Wow. It's great you can do that. You are superwomen! I can't do what you do."

And if that's what you have to say, then I have failed as the goal of my blog. This blog isn't to show off to the world about my running. I'm not that good in the first place! But what I hope you see is someone who was challenged, set goals, and worked step by step to meet them. I had two major milestones this past week that had me on cloud nine. But they have been milestones months in the making. A year and a month if you want to be exact! I am a normal, messed up human being with sin and trials and, thankfully, a Savior. I couldn't run 30 seconds at the beginning of this journey. I hope you see my writing as an authentic representation of what God is teaching me, and I hope He is using it to encourage and challenge you to be in His presence, in His love. Without him none of this is possible.

Something along the same lines that I have learned from it all, is that while I set goals and strive to achieve them, I have actually learned how to live in the moment. I have learned to enjoy the journey. I don't run and pine or worry over the ability to run a marathon. I simply say, "This is what I can do today, and it's the next step to get me where I need to be tomorrow." I've been able to spend some quality time with God on my long runs. I've learned to worship him even if my legs are screaming and some of my most treasured moments with him have been while I'm alone running through his creation. I've learned that God has me right where I need to be no matter what the circumstances and I am content in that!

So with that said, here's to another round of training. This one leads to my BIG goal, the one I've been working toward for 13 months. The Walt Disney World Marathon!

Here we go!

Plano Balloon Festival Half Marathon

Hello everyone! Yesterday I had the most amazing time racing with my parents at the Plano Balloon Festival! You can relive my race with me in the video below!



Plano Half Marathon from Madelyn on Vimeo.

It was a great race. Several things factored into making it my best race ever:

1) We had our first cold front move in through Texas! The morning was just cold enough without too much rise in the heat at the end of the race. My hard training this summer in the heat really helped me be able to push hard in the ladder miles so that I was hitting negative splits. My last mile was my fastest!

2) I was racing with my family! Dad and I passed each other a ton and ran the middle of the race together. He was staying steady while I was having my middle-of-the-race slump and he kept pushing me to keep my pace up!

3) I worked on my speed. This training cycle, I spent one run a week working specifically on speed. I worked on pushing my lactate threshold back as well as learning to run on tired legs. I think working on my fast finish training runs really gave me the "umph" I needed at the end!

4) I learned from my last race to not drink as much water! All the sloshing around in my stomach was causing me cramps. Also, I remembered to fuel early and often. I didn't hit the wall in this race because I found Cliff Shot Blocks (which I love so much) to fuel my race!

5) I have the best family and friends! The constant cheering from my Nike +, the love I knew I had during training and the promise of getting to Skype with Jared at the end really contributed to the race day magic. Thank you so much for your support and love for me as I have gone through this journey!

6) The last, yet probably most important, was the special time with God I have gotten during my training. I have had moments where I have just been able to worship him during my runs and unplug long enough to spend quality time with him. You might think I'm weird, but it's true. God has shown me through running I am more capable than I thought and can do more than I could have ever imagined. He doesn't put limits on how he can use me, I do.

Put this all together and I was able to run the entire 13.1 miles without walking, a feat I have never accomplished before. Even on my previous long runs, I take numerous walk breaks to drink Gatorade or eat. Not this time! I ran and ate and everything! I felt so good, so prepped, that when I slowed to drink a tiny sip of water at mile 12, my legs were like, "What's this walking thing you speak of? We don't like it!" I hit my pace goal of being in the vicinity of two and a half hours with a final time of 2:33. I think I could have gotten a  faster time if I would have really been serious about running the tangents.

But you know, that's learning for the next race. :)

Next stop: Disney!

When God and Passion Collide

So this morning I got a rare opportunity. I got to combine my love for running with outreach for my church.

It created itself out of a random conversation with my boss. He planned an outreach event for Saturday morning. I plan my long runs on Saturday morning. I told him about it, he said run while you are at the event. So I did!

I took a handful of flyers. After everything was set up at the park for the kids, I started down the road towards White Rock Lake.

People were sparse on the first two miles. I guess they were all watching Saturday morning cartoons. But as I came up on the road to the lake, there were TONS of people. I'm always scared to start up a seemingly random conversation. Plus, I didn't think about the fact that runners were going to have to stick my invitation somewhere or carry it in their hand. Some rejected my invite on the excuse they didn't want to carry it, but hey...once the first rejection was over and I didn't die, I got more confident and bold. I talked to a couple of guys running ahead of me, several couples and moms walking their babies in their ginormous strollers. The conversations were short, but powerful. So here's my short yet powerful takeaway.

We go through life and we seem busy. So much to do and so little time! But if we take a second and look around at the amount of people running along side us in the same neighborhoods, we have an amazing opportunity to just take a chance and invite them to experience the only institution Jesus established on Earth: the church. Jesus had the audacity to look up when he was busy in the middle of a crowd and see Zacchaeus. Jesus invited himself over for crying out loud (culture shock!) and life change happened.

Some people at my church are good at preaching the Word of God. Some are good at music. There are others that are good at lights, welcoming people, inviting people, taking care of kids, organizing things, making food. These are all good things, but the aggregate component of our parts as a church don't make life change happen. We can have the best people for all these things and not have a single person come to Christ. But if we put God in the equation, then the aggregate parts come together as a whole and supernaturally cause people to come to Christ and eternities are changed forever.

I'm good at running and getting better at screwing up the courage to talk to random people. I had way more rejections than people accepting the invites. Jesus warned that would happen though! (Mark 4) However, I have complete faith that Jesus will take those tiny conversations I had and turn them into life change, some way or another.

My question is, what has God called you to do at your church and are you doing it to the best of your ability? You can have faith with your gift too and I dare you to use it and watch God make it bigger and better than you could have dreamed.

Personal, Controversial Jesus Conversation About My Control Issues.

Me and Duchess being goofy together!

I feel like there is a pattern coming around. I feel like starting every blog with:

"WEEEEEEEEEEELL, I've been busy working...."

And it's true. I haven't just been working. I've spent time with my amazing husband, hanging out with Redeemed people...and working. But it's been a decent balance recently of work and rest. I've slowly been unpacking the apartment, have successfully found the post office box (seriously, it was a three day adventure) and I know where the nearest Starbucks is. Win!

I've been feeling in a slump in my running. It's been hot. It's been hard to go and find good running spots too because I've been by myself and don't know where to go that is safe yet. So I've made good use of my treadmill, but my spirit (and my dog) miss being out in nature on a long run through pretty trees. I can't wait for fall.

I also feel a bit at a slump in life. It doesn't help I've been in transition as well. I don't really have a "schedule" yet (whatever that means for someone in ministry who schedules their life around when their husband is home). It's a constant evaluation for me every day to know what my day looks like.

One thing that doesn't change for me is the fact that I have Jesus in my life, particularly in the mornings. I love having my oatmeal in my favorite chair with my coffee and my blanket. Sometimes, Duchess likes to squeeze in with me and we have morning time together. I've been pondering what to read in my Bible next. I've read all of it now a couple times. So as I pondered and prayed this morning, something struck me that I wanted to share.

I've been listening to C. S. Lewis on tape. Specifically, Mere Christianity. I got to a point where he talks about people's perception of Jesus. I recently had a conversation with a teenager at church where he was struggling with the idea of Jesus being the Son of God. I think many people struggle with that. They like the idea of him being a good teacher because then they can pick and choose what makes them feel better and leave out the parts they don't like or that challenge their way of living. Jesus didn't leave room for people to accept him as just a good teacher. What he said was extremely counter-cultural. It upset the people in power. In John chapter 14, He said, "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." So you either have to accept that he is who he says he is, or he's a lunatic. I don't know about you, but if someone came up to me and said he was the Son of God, I'd be weirded-out.

Brant Hansen said it this way recently; what if Jesus was a short, Iranian man who talked about things that were extremely counter-cultural (like...don't use Facebook or dress modest!) and only answered your questions with vague stories that left you asking more questions than you had in the first place? What if his entire family (except him of course) were criminals? Would you believe he was the Son of God? Would he look or seem like someone who you would give your life for, based on faith that this counter cultural man says that he loves you?

Then I thought about this as I ate my oatmeal this morning. What if I had lunch with Jesus? What if we got some Gluten Free stuff at P. F. Changs today and got to sit at the table together, face to face. What would I want to ask?

My gut response was, "How do I get people to care?" It's been something that has bothered me for a while now. I don't know how people see things that go on around them and not help. Why do people say they love Jesus, and then don't help the people who need to see his love the most? It's hard for me to realize other people haven't had the same experience as me when it comes to realizing Jesus loves them and wants us to love others the same. They are in a different part of the journey and that's ok.

But as I went through my day today, I pondered a ton more on why I would ask that question. Long story short, I think I would ask that question because I struggle with grace.

I have grown up thinking if I do A, B and C then God will reward me with D. If I tithe, read my Bible, go to church, help those that he places in my life, then he will help me through the rough times and make the big things happen perfectly. I realized in college this doesn't stand up to anything God has in mind for my life. But I still struggle with the idea that if something isn't going the way I think it should, maybe I'm not doing something right. Maybe my relationship with God is off or I'm not in His will. This is of course, ludicrous. God never says that it will work like that but I struggle with my perception of Christianity looking like karma. If I do good things, good thing will happen to me.

Right now, things aren't going like I want. Jared is home a whopping 11 days next month. He won't get to run my half marathon with me. We won't get to watch any Aggie games together. I struggle with the fact that he's not flying. The picture that others painted for us of what life for us would look like in his job schedule is nothing like our reality. I'm struggling with the future of my job with our new campus opening up. I don't know what I'm going to be asked (or worse...not asked) to do! I'm struggling with Redeemed as I tell people about what happens in their city and they don't step up to help in the cause.

But, if you notice, what I'm struggling with are things that are completely out of my control! I have no way to influence how Jared's job goes. I have no influence on what our new campus will look like. I have no influence on who comes and goes with Redeemed. There is literally nothing I can do to change the outcome to what I want it to look like. Everything is in God's hands. Meanwhile, I sit here by myself and look into a very foggy future. I don't know what my next week will look like, much less the next month. That's a hard thing for a major planner like me.

So, I'm sitting here crying. However, also thankful that even though I don't have control of every situation going on in my life, I know who does. He's already shown me in the past he has everything taken care of even if I don't realize it at first. I can look at that and place my faith on what he's already done.

Thankfully, I can also look at the world around me that he created and I know that he is creating something in my life just as beautiful. He's creating something just as wondrous as the trees I run under, just as magnificent as my big Texas sunsets that I see planes flying through and just as magical as the bright starry skies with the moon lighting up the night. I've given my life to him and love him with all my heart.

If I were to sit across the table from Jesus, I would ask something different than my original question now that I have thought about it. I would ask, "Can you just reassure me that you love me, and give me the power to trust you more?" I hope, and would like to think, that he wouldn't give me some vague story or leave me with an answer that causes me to go, "Wha...????"

He would look at me, smile, and simply say "Always."