Personal, Controversial Jesus Conversation About My Control Issues.

Me and Duchess being goofy together!

I feel like there is a pattern coming around. I feel like starting every blog with:

"WEEEEEEEEEEELL, I've been busy working...."

And it's true. I haven't just been working. I've spent time with my amazing husband, hanging out with Redeemed people...and working. But it's been a decent balance recently of work and rest. I've slowly been unpacking the apartment, have successfully found the post office box (seriously, it was a three day adventure) and I know where the nearest Starbucks is. Win!

I've been feeling in a slump in my running. It's been hot. It's been hard to go and find good running spots too because I've been by myself and don't know where to go that is safe yet. So I've made good use of my treadmill, but my spirit (and my dog) miss being out in nature on a long run through pretty trees. I can't wait for fall.

I also feel a bit at a slump in life. It doesn't help I've been in transition as well. I don't really have a "schedule" yet (whatever that means for someone in ministry who schedules their life around when their husband is home). It's a constant evaluation for me every day to know what my day looks like.

One thing that doesn't change for me is the fact that I have Jesus in my life, particularly in the mornings. I love having my oatmeal in my favorite chair with my coffee and my blanket. Sometimes, Duchess likes to squeeze in with me and we have morning time together. I've been pondering what to read in my Bible next. I've read all of it now a couple times. So as I pondered and prayed this morning, something struck me that I wanted to share.

I've been listening to C. S. Lewis on tape. Specifically, Mere Christianity. I got to a point where he talks about people's perception of Jesus. I recently had a conversation with a teenager at church where he was struggling with the idea of Jesus being the Son of God. I think many people struggle with that. They like the idea of him being a good teacher because then they can pick and choose what makes them feel better and leave out the parts they don't like or that challenge their way of living. Jesus didn't leave room for people to accept him as just a good teacher. What he said was extremely counter-cultural. It upset the people in power. In John chapter 14, He said, "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." So you either have to accept that he is who he says he is, or he's a lunatic. I don't know about you, but if someone came up to me and said he was the Son of God, I'd be weirded-out.

Brant Hansen said it this way recently; what if Jesus was a short, Iranian man who talked about things that were extremely counter-cultural (like...don't use Facebook or dress modest!) and only answered your questions with vague stories that left you asking more questions than you had in the first place? What if his entire family (except him of course) were criminals? Would you believe he was the Son of God? Would he look or seem like someone who you would give your life for, based on faith that this counter cultural man says that he loves you?

Then I thought about this as I ate my oatmeal this morning. What if I had lunch with Jesus? What if we got some Gluten Free stuff at P. F. Changs today and got to sit at the table together, face to face. What would I want to ask?

My gut response was, "How do I get people to care?" It's been something that has bothered me for a while now. I don't know how people see things that go on around them and not help. Why do people say they love Jesus, and then don't help the people who need to see his love the most? It's hard for me to realize other people haven't had the same experience as me when it comes to realizing Jesus loves them and wants us to love others the same. They are in a different part of the journey and that's ok.

But as I went through my day today, I pondered a ton more on why I would ask that question. Long story short, I think I would ask that question because I struggle with grace.

I have grown up thinking if I do A, B and C then God will reward me with D. If I tithe, read my Bible, go to church, help those that he places in my life, then he will help me through the rough times and make the big things happen perfectly. I realized in college this doesn't stand up to anything God has in mind for my life. But I still struggle with the idea that if something isn't going the way I think it should, maybe I'm not doing something right. Maybe my relationship with God is off or I'm not in His will. This is of course, ludicrous. God never says that it will work like that but I struggle with my perception of Christianity looking like karma. If I do good things, good thing will happen to me.

Right now, things aren't going like I want. Jared is home a whopping 11 days next month. He won't get to run my half marathon with me. We won't get to watch any Aggie games together. I struggle with the fact that he's not flying. The picture that others painted for us of what life for us would look like in his job schedule is nothing like our reality. I'm struggling with the future of my job with our new campus opening up. I don't know what I'm going to be asked (or worse...not asked) to do! I'm struggling with Redeemed as I tell people about what happens in their city and they don't step up to help in the cause.

But, if you notice, what I'm struggling with are things that are completely out of my control! I have no way to influence how Jared's job goes. I have no influence on what our new campus will look like. I have no influence on who comes and goes with Redeemed. There is literally nothing I can do to change the outcome to what I want it to look like. Everything is in God's hands. Meanwhile, I sit here by myself and look into a very foggy future. I don't know what my next week will look like, much less the next month. That's a hard thing for a major planner like me.

So, I'm sitting here crying. However, also thankful that even though I don't have control of every situation going on in my life, I know who does. He's already shown me in the past he has everything taken care of even if I don't realize it at first. I can look at that and place my faith on what he's already done.

Thankfully, I can also look at the world around me that he created and I know that he is creating something in my life just as beautiful. He's creating something just as wondrous as the trees I run under, just as magnificent as my big Texas sunsets that I see planes flying through and just as magical as the bright starry skies with the moon lighting up the night. I've given my life to him and love him with all my heart.

If I were to sit across the table from Jesus, I would ask something different than my original question now that I have thought about it. I would ask, "Can you just reassure me that you love me, and give me the power to trust you more?" I hope, and would like to think, that he wouldn't give me some vague story or leave me with an answer that causes me to go, "Wha...????"

He would look at me, smile, and simply say "Always."