When Doubt Creeps In

It's been a rough couple of weeks.

Nothing drastically bad has happened. I just have had small things happen over the last few weeks. But we all know that these small things can build up and become big monsters in no time.

First small things that have happened have been with Redeemed. In this case it's things not happening. Churches backing out on us coming to talk to them, people flaking out on things they committed to, etc. I was really excited about some of these things happening and the fact that they didn't' work out really bummed me out.

Second thing that has been happening is kinda good. Jared and I started going through Financial Peace together. We are not in financial crisis by any standard. However, we have learned a whole bunch. Yet, when we talk about things that need to get paid for or things that we want to do and we can't afford them, it's another small let down. Can I survive without participating in the Turkey Trot this year? Sure I can. Can we survive without eating out? Absolutely. And we probably will be better off without it. But when it seems all my husband worries about when we go out is the bottom line of "how much is this going to cost us," it really makes time together a bummer. We've since discussed this and make an agreement on how to change it (which is why I'm ok with telling whoever reads this about this conflict in my marriage). What's bumming me out though is that Jared and I have had several talks recently. Really deep ones. We've talked out so many things recently and I think we have reached a new level of understanding each other. I just sometimes feel like I am a bad wife.

This leads into the third thing that happened. Jared turned 25! I was so pumped for him. He was getting new shirts, boots for work, tons of birthday cards and tons of money (yay!) that I hoped made him feel special. However, I wasn't able to really do anything this year. This is a big deal for me because I usually am scheming a month out on surprises and fun things to do. But this year, I didn't want to spend that much money and I didn't have the time to devote to it like I have in the past. Add in Jared had to work on his birthday and all I could really do was tell him happy birthday and smile, and hopefully go to a restaurant he liked (which didn't happen either). To see the disappointment on his face made me feel like the worst person ever.

As a personality that bases most of my value on results, I feel pretty let down. I have many doubts right now that have been playing in the back of my head. I'm a terrible wife. I am not qualified enough to lead an anti-human trafficking organization. I'm not a good friend to those I love. I'm terrible with money. All my insecurities have come creeping up and causing me to doubt everything.

So the question is, what do I do with the doubt? What do I do with the insecurity and the heartache and the anxiety? As passionate as a person I am, my highs are really high yet my lows can be all-consuming.

So today, I broke out my first love, music. I pulled out the guitar my parents lovingly bought me for Christmas a few years ago and I found myself having my own mini-worship time. It's been forever since I played and I was surprised at how much my fingers remembered where to go and how steady I was able to keep my strumming. I love my guitar and the tone matches my voice amazingly. After revisiting some of my old favorites I used to play when I led worship, I decided to teach myself a new song. The first song that came to mind was "Oceans" by Hillsong.

The first time I heard this song, I was at church alone. Jared was out at work and we had just had a disagreement. It's crazy how you can be in a crowd of people and feel so isolated. I felt so alone. When they played this song I cried my eyes out. The words in the bridge just pierced my heart.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior"

I have asked God to use me and call me to places that people have never been to yet. I've asked for him to teach me how to love him more and rely on him for everything. As I was teaching myself how to play this song today I realized I'm in that place right now. I'm stretching and growing. God is the only one who is going to take my ministry, my marriage and my relationships and make them into the beauty God designed them to be.

As a results oriented person, I realized that what I have to do is just rest in God. Do my part and then rest it in his hands. And when doubt creeps in, all I can do is sing this chorus to him.

"I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine"

I find that so comforting to know that if everything goes south, if everything crumbles, if everything just falls apart, God still loves me, still has a plan for me. I'm not just a pawn that is thrown out when I'm used, I'm cherished and I am loved. God loves me just the same has he loves everyone. He loves me the same way he loves everyone all the way back to Adam and Eve.

So I don't know what else to say but I hope that in my vulnerability, in my openness and at my low points, God can speak to you and let you know that the same goes for you. When doubt creeps in and you have those questions, know that you are loved no matter the outcome.



Hillsong United - Oceans (Live) from Hillsong Church on Vimeo.