When God Says No

Growing up I always wanted to be an astronaut. My copy of "Flying to the Moon" by Michael Collins has a lot of wear and tear over the years from reading it constantly, only interrupted by homework and dance lessons. I did my research papers on astronauts. My drawings were of space. I remember looking through the telescope with my dad at planets and waking up at 3 AM to watch meteor showers from my backyard. We went to NASA in both Houston and Florida. My living statue assignment was on the Challenger teacher Christa McAuliffe...proof that someone "ordinary" could become an astronaut had the space shuttle actually worked. I watched Star Wars, wondering if I would someday find other planets to live on. I dreamed of becoming the first person on Mars.

But even after all of this, I distinctly remember struggling in math my junior year of high school and praying to God, "Is being an astronaut what you want me to do?" While I never heard a voice, I remember my heart going numb, knowing that wasn't going to be where He was leading me. I was distraught. I didn't know what else I would do.

And then life took it's turns. I didn't get the grades. I struggled with physics. I had my own mental issues to deal with much less think of solving how to get to Mars. My interest in space turned into music, art, biochemistry...more, Earthly things. I still however, catch myself staring up, looking for stars and wondering if someone or something else is looking at our star and dreaming of other planets as well.

When I still catch myself looking up at the stars I keep wondering what was the reasoning God designed my life this way. Honestly, I don't think I will every get the answer to it until I get to heaven. But let's speculate, based on what we know, shall we?

Reasons why I wanted to be an astronaut:
1. I wanted to do what was considered impossible.
2. I wanted to explore new worlds.
3. I wanted to fly a plane.
4. I wanted to be famous and inspire other people.

Do we notice a pattern with all my reasons? They all start with "I." Also, think about this...NASA has been shut down due to budget cuts. There are no missions to space in the exact time frames I would have been looking for a job as an astronaut. Currently they are being used to produce facts about climate change...and we all know how I feel about that...

The Bible says in Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart." Many people told me this as a kid when I told them the big plans I had for my life. But what they didn't tell me was that it was coupled with Psalm 37:3 "Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness." 

While my intentions may have been good in all my reasons to be an astronaut, God wasn't at the center of what I desired. I loved God, and I wanted Him to make me an astronaut. I was viewing God as a cosmic blessing on my plans and my dreams instead of trusting in the Lord and doing good, even when disappointment and chaos reigned in my life. If I had not been faithful with what God was calling me to do, I wouldn't have met my deepest desire...to inspire and help other people to be better versions of themselves. Had I gone down the space path, at least up to this point in my lifetime, my dreams would have been crushed. Meanwhile, God has formed me and shaped me into ministry where I get to work with - and hopefully help people - become better versions of themselves every day with God being the power behind my work. In a way, I am getting to do my original #1 reason I wanted to be an astronaut...I'm doing what most people consider impossible.

While I know it's a limited view right now, it's enough to step back and say, "Wow God, you really had my back on that one." I'm sure it will become more and more evident as time goes on why I'm on this road, but it's enough to look to the sky and say even "if we are faithless, [God] remains faithful - for he cannot deny himself." (2 Timothy 2:13b)

So for now my exploration of space will be limited to the new Star Wars in December and watching the new TV series of "Astronaut Wives." I'll pull the start chart out every once in a while while we are camping and dream other planets from the back of our truck. But on the bright side, God still hasn't closed the door on me learning how to fly a plane. Winner, winner, chicken dinner!